Savage Love

Open and Shut

Comments

1

Firdt?

2

MND's husband said “There’s nothing wrong with having a snack.” MND asked Dan, "What did he mean by that?"

Oh, if there were only a way to find out! IF ONLY!!!

MND: stand in front of a mirror, and practise this magical incantation: "What did you mean by that?". Repeat until you have it memorized. Also practise saying "I'm not getting off when we have sex." Once you have the words down, say them to your husband. Think about trying the same routine with "I'm not having sex anymore until I begin to enjoy it."

Opening the relationship sounds like an attempt to avoid the problem. If you're unwilling to communicate with your partner(s), and to advocate for yourself, you're not going to have much luck with 3rds. Open relationships require more communication, not less.

3

@1 fubar: WA-HOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Congratulations, fubar, for scoring the highly sought after FIRDT Award! Bask in the glory of leading the comment thread here in this week's edition of Savage Love. :)

4

Dan the Man: Excellent call to MND about her husband and their sex life. I agree--if oral is important to her and she was bummed for five years of not having any (because he's not into pussy eating), I would have said the same thing: DTMFA. They're married now. If she misses being eaten out that much she needs to be up front to her spouse: "Look, I know you're not into oral--especially pussy eating, but after five years of not getting any, I really miss it..." and go from there.

5

"feeling him during sex"

Oh geez I guess the response is correct that she means he is too small. I assumed that not "feeling him" was the modern euphemism for her feeling emotionally disconnected from him. (Man, MND, this isn't network TV, go ahead and use specific sexual language when writing to a sex advice columnist!)

MND, if you're interested in opening your relationship do yourself a favor and read that book by Taormino. It'll save you a huge number of inevitable missteps.

6

Based on the letter I think NMD and husband are having differing views on their sex life and intimacy. She seems to want more while he may feel fine where they are right now. If she wants to open the relationship she may better introduce and gauge his position by offering him an opportunity to comment on other women, assuring him she is fine with it. This will show him that it's not only about her coworker, and that there's something for him as well once distancination is over.
My take on their relationship makes me think that by “snacking” he meant ok to look, though probably not beyond.

7

@6 CMD
I dunno, I don't think "having a snack" is looking, I think it's actually consuming. If he meant 'looking' he could say something like (the very common phrase) "it's ok to look a the menu". My take is he probably already had a snack himself, and wants some official non-monogamy.

8

cure- I did a short search before posting my previous post. In the world of relationships "snacking" may mean anything from all out sex to flirting or looking. I would assume that if Mr. NMD had an agenda he would have further clarify it and encourage the Mrs.

I may be wrong and she should definitely ask him, maybe point to a woman she noticing he’s gazing at while in public, asking him if he finds her a “snack” in a fun way and see where he takes it.

9

“ yes, dear sweet husband, snacking is just what I’m after. Pity you don’t like snacking on me...”

10

CMDwannabe @6: Nah, I don't think opening will help for anything but getting her foot out the door - although that might not be a bad thing. See, the problem isn't that he doesn't want sex and she does. They both want sex. The problem is that he doesn't satisfy her when they have sex. So if she starts getting good dick elsewhere that's just going to make her husband's inadequacies even clearer. Also, let's face it, unless they're already firmly established in the poly community, guys have a much harder time finding secondaries and ONSs than girls, and add to that the fact that no woman's gonna want his bad-lay twice?

He's gonna be at home with his dick in his hand while she goes out and gets railed, then comes home and is like "meh, i'm not really in the mood for unsatisfying sex with hubby." I don't see that being a recipe for the marriage staying intact.

11

Short: if you can’t love the one you want, love the one you’re with.
Advice as good today as it was yesterday!

12

Congrats on the firdt, Fubar!

Curious, another one for the "why did they get married" files. If you enjoy oral sex, and someone does not give you oral sex, DON'T MARRY THEM!

Good, thorough advice from Dan. I will say that polyamory doesn't need to be cancelled during coronavirus -- it just needs to go virtual. Take it literally and no, you're not going to be having sex with more than one person (or even one, depending on your circumstances). But if Mr MND really thinks there's nothing wrong with having a snack, this is the perfect time to dip one's toe into the water of poly dating. Circumstances will require MND and those in her position to go slowly with new potential partners. She can make an OKCupid profile and vet a few potential FWBs. Hell, I have a couple of OKCupid Skype dates scheduled. Not quite the same thing, but better than putting one's love life on indefinite hold. If this really isn't OK with Mr MND, they can pull the plug before any fluids are exchanged or feelings hurt.

13

Fubar @2, good point that she obviously needs to ask her husband what he meant by that, but I can see why she's wary of unearthing what might be irreconcilable differences now. I agree with you, she doesn't seem to have -that- much to lose by asking what he means by that, whether he would be okay "in theory" (since that's all that's possible now anyway) with an open relationship. She should make the point that if he was giving her oral sex, she wouldn't be thinking about it. (Has she asked him to?)

Curious @5, sorry, but I understood exactly what she meant by not being able to feel him.

Traffic @10, you're making a lot of assumptions. Sure, things could shake out exactly the way you say. I agree that if they open their relationship, she will find it much easier to find guys to date than he will find women. But I disagree that "if she starts getting good dick elsewhere that's just going to make her husband's inadequacies even clearer." What if, for instance, she goes out and finds good dick and it's attached to someone who's a terrible conversationalist, or has no goals or hobbies, or all they do is argue? In other words, someone who's good at the thing her husband is bad at but terrible at the things he's good at? Having a good lover and a good partner may make her appreciate the strengths both bring to the table. Also, having great sex with a different man might put her off her husband, or it might increase her desire for him. She may find herself hornier when getting good sex on a regular basis, or that sex with hubby is better when overlaid with the memories of great sex with her lover. She may fall an extra layer in love with him for being so giving as to let her go get her needs met. And/or he may meet a secondary partner who isn't into oral sex. I don't see the status quo as being a recipe for the marriage staying intact, or at least for it lasting beyond her cheating and him catching her. Surely it's worth a "so what did you mean by 'snack'" conversation.

14

A mechanical suggestion:

Get a buttplug. Insert it. Try having PIV sex with it in. He likely won't find it 'threatening' because it's probably smaller than he is and it's going in a hole he's not using. Its very presence will take up some space down there and mean you'll feel him more in your vagina. Also, it will shift a bit during sex and give you additional sensation.

15

And if opening up the relationship is the death toll, better for that to happen now than after they've made the kids mistake.

16

Gamebird @14, seconded.

17

I don't understand the end game for COVID-19. I get and support the short term shortening the curve business. That's pretty clear and a laudable goal. But there's no vaccine for a year. There's no way we can afford to have everything shut down for a year. The economic devastation that would cause (which would largely hit the poor/immigrants/young/old) at some point outweighs the danger of COVID-19. So we're all going to get this at some point.

I really think we should be considering purposefully infecting low-risk populations (unattached singles, childless married couples, college kids) and just having them avoid contact with others for a few weeks. We need a population with (temporary) immunity so that we can have a controlled exposure to the virus

As for this letter writer, I think she'd be able to invite her crush over for a bone sesh if he also lived alone and was social distancing from others, especially the old and those with compromised immune systems. The fact that he has multiple roommates probably swings it the other way (unless she wants to go crash at his place and take the risk and keep herself socially distant?) The "avoid all others" people are just unrealistic about the actual risk and the actual ability of people to remain holed up waiting for a vaccine.

18

@17 "...I really think we should be considering purposefully infecting low-risk populations..."

Some of those people will die. Some will need intensive care in a hospital already without resources. Some may not subsequently sustain immunity. Not saying you're wrong, just that there are complicating factors.

19

Ordinarily I would enthusiastically endorse Gamebird’s advice @14 to get a buttplug, as we both love it when GF uses (a vibrating) one, but LW states, “...he doesn’t last as long as I would like him to...” so tightening things up may help her feel more but may also have the undesired effect of making him come even faster as well. This guy sounds like a lousy lay who doesn’t really care about his partner’s satisfaction (I mean, how hard is it to eat pussy and satisfy your gal, ESPECIALLY if you don’t last longer than it takes to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your COVID-infested hands?) in fact, the “doesn’t last” thing sounds more like a result of his “don’t give a shit” attitude towards her enjoyment, so it’s just, “I’m gonna come as fast as I can and get MY rocks off because fucking this woman is just too much like work”. If you’re gonna stay with this lousy lay, for sure look for outside satisfaction, but think hard about the benefits of DTMFA. I stuck it out too long with a woman who was unenthusiastic and indifferent to sex because other aspects of the relationship were goo. Wasn’t worth it, wished I would have ended it sooner and got back to partners who loved sex and wanted to make it good for both of us.

20

No Regrets~ This isn’t the Apocalypse. You’ve gone years without buttering the biscuit with this guy, you don’t have to quick fuck him before the asteroid hits. Stick to sexting and build the anticipation.

21

Ms Fan @12 - Maybe WDYGM is widespread enough to have passed into shorthand territory. LW should have taken a page from Lady Mary Crawley and insisted on determining he was up to standard well before the wedding.

22

@8 CMD
Wow, I am so out of step with language, thank you for that!

I am just not satisfied enough by looking to consider it a snack. For example I imagine I'd find a strip club nothing but frustrating. I don't consider looking to be eating at all. Are voyeurs really enough of the population to have established (in language) looking as a snack?

23

Donny @19, you're correct, the butt plug will help her feel more but is indeed likely to exacerbate the premature ejaculation situation.
Of course, if he were going down on her, not lasting long enough during PIV might not be so much of an issue.

24

I disagree that it is safer to covid bond with someone in your household, I don't understand the reasoning behind this assertion. I think it only matters how many physical affection partners you have, and how many your partners have. 0/0 would be ideal to stop transmission, 1/0 is imo better for mental health but still considered safe, and many people are choosing to place much looser limits on their physical affection, even the 2/1 of a committed triad seems riskier. There is no reasonable way to eliminate transmission risk completely, we need food and mail/deliveries at least and a lot of people still need to travel to work. Dan's advice seems to imply that married couples who live in separate residences should stop having sex. Because it's too hard to avoid touching the gas pump and keyboard? Public transportation is a bigger concern though.

"I find myself sexually unfulfilled"
Passively stated. Did you feel unfulfilled before the wedding? No: what changed when you found this new feeling? Yes: why is feeling sexually fulfilled a bigger priority for you now? If you are in isolation together it may be worth trying to explore ways to pursue your own individual interests while holed up together, take it on as a mutual individual challenge, there is a big difference between shacking up together and being confined in a cage together, maybe the cage not the marriage is the problem.

25

"you should give this guy a call and tell him how you feel. He might feel the same way and want to be your quarantine buddy. But if he doesn’t feel the same way, at least you’ll know. Rejections we can get over, NR, but regrets are for life."
I didn't read far enough. Ok I agree.

26

Donny @19: I'm inclined to agree that the LW's husband has a “don’t give a shit” attitude, but LW sounds like a clam. Perhaps he's just completely in the dark?

27

He should be taking one for the team and start lapping up that pussy. Oral comes standard, as someone once said...

32

"I have a tough time feeling him during sex."

This statement is hard to wrap my head around. The idea of a woman maintaining a long-term sexual relationship with a man whose penis she cannot feel inside her vagina during sex is difficult to contemplate. Presumably, she has had lovers whose penis she could feel, so why would she continue having sex with someone whose presence in her body produced no discernible sensations?

When combined with the reality that "he doesn’t last as long as I would like him to," and "he also isn’t very willing/interested in going down on me," one wonders why would this woman would have continued this sexual relationship.

This is why you have to prioritize good sex when looking for a partner. Who wants to wake up one day and realize you're married to someone who penis you cannot feel during sex, and that unless something changes, this is all you're going to experience?

33

DBHouston @27, of course he should, but he's not the one who wrote in asking "should I go down on my wife?" She's married to someone who's never gone down on her, and that is partly her fault for (a) not asking him to go down on her, I mean sure one shouldn't have to ask but perhaps a previous partner of his didn't like it, and he's assuming that if she does she'll say so, and (b) saying yes when he asked her to marry him. As Fubar @2 said, she sounds terrible at communication. He may have no idea anything is wrong.

Dadddy @28, I'm going with your view of bad at sex, rather than intentionally and maliciously selfish. To further flip things, perhaps his previous partners were uninterested in sex, had hangups about oral sex, anorgasmic, etc. Also, I don't think we know enough to classify Mr MND as a premature ejaculator. He might be average but not giving her anywhere near enough warm-up to get to an orgasm before he does. We had the PE conversation a few weeks ago; "he doesn’t last as long as I would like him to" might mean that she considers anything less than 15 minutes not enough. Again, a problem that could be addressed by his getting her off before he sticks it in. Maybe while quarantined they could play one of those sexy couples' games and see if it improves their communication around the sex they'd like to be having.

Commie @30-@31, please go away.

35

@24 Philophile
That was a very well-articulated analysis of individual risk.

36

LW1, if you are sexually unfulfilled with this man, why did you marry him? Are you only now noticing this aspect of you marriage is missing.. because I don’t get it. Then you say you want children with him.. a life time commitment.
He must be really good at encouraging your entrepreneurial skills, because that seems more important to you than being physically satisfied.

37

Yes, a person can learn sexual skills.. but you can’t feel this man’s penis LW, no amount of training or toys can change that. After so many years together, I assume you’ve tried different positions.. and you can’t feel him in any of them. Or you haven’t tried?
It’s great you two get on so well, and maybe that’s going to be the trade off over the years. If you open it, wouldn’t be long, as Traffic Spiral @10 says, before you won’t be able to fuck your husband after being with a bigger and better lover.
My suggestion is to end the marriage, because I couldn’t have gone without satisfying sex in marriage and it’s especially welcome once kids are around.

38

@24 I'm with you on this. I don't understand the assertion of only f*cking people/a person you live with during this crisis. People, that live together will go to the grocery store, right? One or both of you may go for a walk. If both people are taking minimal risks (i.e. the same risks they would be taking if they lived with said person) there is no reason they can't see each other. Of course, this would require a certain amount of trust. Probably not ideal for starting to see a new person. But someone you have been dating that you don't live with, yet. Really it should be considered a minimal risk if you are both practicing social distancing.

And all this could be much less intense if we had wide-spread testing. Then people could know if they were infected but asymptomatic and quarantine. While those uninfected could practice social distancing but still see another uninfected partner. Also, we will soon need tests to see if a person has had it already.

While, I don't agree with all of what @17 says, I do wonder what is the endgame here. I'm in a place that just announced 12 more weeks of lockdown. The toll this is going to take on people's mental health is a huge concern. For those of us that live alone, that means no human touch for 12 more weeks. It means no being even in the same room with a friend. And aside from telling everyone to stay home and keep a distance, it doesn't seem like any country has a pro-active plan on how to tackle this. So yea, I think given all that if you can find someone who is also being safe in every other way and you are doing the same. You should be able to see them and only them. If only for your sanity.

39

@Hunter: I hope you're feeling better and have some support systems in place. Take care of yourself.

40

@38 msgalaxy
"all this could be much less intense if we had wide-spread testing"

All of this could be long over by now without anyone having to die if we had massive testing like South Korea and weren't ruled by imbecilic sociopaths.

Crises require immediate, massive action.

"For those of us that live alone, that means no human touch for 12 more weeks"

And if one is high risk, make that 12 to 18 effing months.

"any country has a pro-active plan on how to tackle this"

Google how South Korean nailed it.

41

Fuckwit @31: Normally I don't respond to fuckwits, but you're such a massive fuckwit, I'm making an exception. Everything you wrote is bullshit.

As for "almost none of them would have died" (which is false), one can only assume that nobody you loved ever died before their time.

43

This troll is going crazy on every thread the Stranger has going. Obviously isolation is doing their head in.

44

Dadddy@28~ “... Recasting their incompetence as selfishness just seems mean...”

Not going down on her once in over five years is not incompetence, it’s a decision.

45

Before reading Dan's answer, the first thing I thought of was to tell MND an hubby to try this:

https://www.adameve.com/adult-sex-toys/penis-enhancers/sp-adams-extension-89865.aspx

Hopefully it would add a little girth as well as length. If not, there must be similar products that do. Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with Adam & Eve and do not stand to gain if MND, or any of you for that matter, purchase this product.

46

@42: "We are always eager to learn something new". What are you, the Borg Collective? Fuck off, asshat.

47

Creating profiles to post stupid comments, and then deleting the profiles. That's fucked up.

48

Robin8 @45: That device looks scary, like a dick covered in warts.

49

@43 LavaGirl
"This troll is going crazy...Obviously isolation is doing their head in."

I haven't been willing to read their Comments, but I did read just a tiny bit and I want to crawl through the Internet and beat the shit out of that troll.

Anyway, the mortality rate for young people is not zero
https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/coronavirus-age-sex-demographics/
but if the troll wants to infect themself it's OK as long as they stay home until they're certified as safe for everyone else.

Dying for the economy is a false choice; the economy would from what I've read be just as hosed if everyone got it and millions died as Trump's inaction sought/seeks. Only a selfish moron thinks that there's a choice between martyring ourselves for the DOW Jones and experiencing a severe economic blow.

Personally, as an at-risk person, I do not appreciate assholes who feel fine about just consigning others to isolation and/or death for their own benefits of freedom and profit.

And, it's not like you die or it's a picnic. Almost dying would suuuuuuuuuck. You inhuman imbecile.

50

@41 fubar, @43 LavaGirl, and @49 curious2: That troll is obviously dying of MAGAvirus already, rotting away in his mother's dank, dark fruit cellar. The formaldehyde must have really messed him up.

51

Everyone stay healthy, safe, and sane.

52

Of course, one ironic lesson from the comment thread almost -- almost! -- makes the bottom half of the internet worth it in this case.

There is no vaccination against trolling. There is no such thing as herd immunity. Social distancing -- don't feed them -- is the only thing that works. And so the troll is right about trolling, but wrong about viruses, and letting him get your goat is like trying to self-inoculate by getting the disease.

I think that's kind of funny.

53

Dadddy @34, there's an expectation that EVERYONE should just instinctually know what they are doing during sex, not just men. The main difference in het sex is that a guy's orgasm mainly depends on what the guy does, while the woman's orgasm mainly depends on what the guy does. Younger women are not only too self-conscious (in general) to articulate what they want, they may not be experienced enough to -know- what they want. Educational porn should be much more of a thing than it is.

MsGalaxy @38, and it's easy for happily married Dan to say "only have sex with someone if you live with them." Indeed, a strict line on this is a celibacy sentence for a great many of us. I agree sanity is important, and the fact is that people need people. Cyber sex is no substitute for hugs.

Fubar @41, of course it's bullshit. Everything Commenter Commentatus writes is bullshit, he's the very definition of a troll. IGNORE.

Lava @43, Commie was crazy long before the isolation orders kicked in.

Donny @44, I agree it's a decision, but if even she has never asked him why he isn't doing it, we can't conclude the answer is selfishness. I don't have MUCH sympathy for anyone who doesn't even OFFER to go down on a partner, but MND is playing her part by not having asked him five years ago. He may be self-conscious about his skill. She can use her words to express that it's important to her and to help him learn.

Fubar @47, he's not deleting the profiles, he's being reported and kicked out and creating another profile. You'd think the technology would exist to permanently block his IP address. We can dream.

54

fubar@2

"I'm not having sex anymore until I begin to enjoy it"?

Wouldn't you need to have sex to begin to enjoy it? I think I understand what you were getting at there - I'm not going through the motions of same-old unsatisfying sex, while we both pretend that we don't have a problem - but I don't see how an ultimatum like that would even work in practice, let alone improve this couple's sex life. You get to more enjoyable sex by trying new and different things (not all of which would work), not by refusing to have sex altogether.

55

@49 p.s.
Plus did you not understand that if we do not flatten the curve, we end up with a completely overwhelmed healthcare system where (like Italy) masses of people die in hospital hallways because there aren't enough ventilators to keep them alive?

Herd immunity. Does it bug you that the rest of the herd has chosen to not follow you in leaping off the cliff? Is it frustrating to you that our sick president was forced by sane people to lower the volume of his Pied Piper tune?

57

https://truthout.org/articles/covids-cruelest-month-has-begun-and-trump-is-finally-concerned/

Concerned but still the problem.

58

Donny/Dadddy, I would use the word "lazy" more than "selfish" to describe someone who won't give oral sex. Absent, indeed, some other explanation like they are insecure and fear they'll do it wrong. Is a lazy lover a bad lover, I would say yes.

59

BDF @53: I assumed that if he was reported, his posts would have been deleted (which they are now, of course). Regarding IP blocking, unfortunately most broadband addresses are not static, and get reassigned from time to time.

Lost @54: Good catch on the Catch-22. But the gist of my advice is that LW should communicate and advocate for herself.

60

MND throws a whole lot at the wall and hopes that some of it will stick enough for Dan to sign off on her having extra-marital sex (I would say "cheating," but we can't tell if it would be cheating, because it sounds like the husband might not object to opening the relationship).

To me, the biggest problem is this couple's communication SNAFUs: when her husband responds to her admission of having a crush on someone with "there's nothing wrong with having a snack," and rather than ask him what he means by that, she writes to Dan to ask what he thinks her husband means by that, I don't see a lot of maturity. I mean, for fuck's sake, you can't ask your beloved spouse for some clarity when he makes a cryptic comment?

But it's not just that lack of oral sex: she lists the following obstacles to being sexually fulfilled:
1) she can't feel his penis during PIV
2) he won't go down on her
3) he doesn't last long enough for her
4) despite them being sexually "adventurous enough to try different things, i.e. toys and
different positions," she's still not satisfied
5) she's attracted to other men.

That's kind of a lot. They've been married 7 months.

Then she says that though she isn't opposed to opening up the marriage, she doesn't have any indication that that would be okay with her husband. For fuck's sake, she DELIBERATELY doesn't want to bring up the topic for a couple of cockamamie reasons: that wanting to open the marriage so she can achieve sexual satisfaction is "selfish" and that, perhaps because they've been married less than a year, it’s "too soon to try or even discuss it at any length." Why not?!

Personally, I'm not a believer in opening a relationship so that one or both parties can have minimally satisfying sex because they're not satisfied in the least with things as they currently are; I think that the only way that opening a relationship works is if there is still some kind of at least somewhat satisfying sex going on within the relationship.* In other words, I think an open relationship should ENHANCE the current sex, not replace it entirely. If, for instance, everything else about their sex life is working (she can feel her husband during PIV and he can last longer before orgasming), but her husband doesn't want to go down on her and she wants that, and they were to open the relationship, she could find a partner who enthusiastically gives oral sex, then I can see that as adding to the otherwise satisfying sex she's having with her husband. It would actually hit several of the targets: desire for oral, desire for novelty, desire for adventure.

I don't understand the desire to compartmentalize that much, that early on. If they have been together a long time, if there are young children, if there are financial considerations that mean it's almost impossible to split up, then yeah, get all your sexual needs met outside the companionate marriage. But at this early stage? Why set up for a shared lifetime of never getting your sexual needs met within your marriage?

And really, if you're not mature enough to ask your husband what he means by a cryptic statement, you're certainly not able to handle the emotional complexities of having an open marriage, in which talking about feelings and emotions and responses is even more critical than it might be for those in closed relationships.

*I'm referring to relationships between people who are of the appropriate sexual orientation to be presumed to be able to be attracted to their spouses, and people who are physically capable of having sex.

61

For now LW, like the rest of us, where you are is what you got. Use this time alone with your husband to talk this thru. If you ain’t feeling his cock, the reverse is he’s not feeling your vagina either. So both of you may be compromising big time sexually, because the rest of your lives together are so compatible.
Talk, be real and be honest. And let him do the same. You’ve got weeks to try out new toys, etc, if the talking allows the oxygen needed to address this problem.

62

Griz has a song parody to share (Randy Rainbow's and Weird Al Yankovic's are better, though).
This one is political and is based on the amount of unwanted junk mail and spam emails I get daily from solicitors, guilt trip organizations, and scam artists, to be sung to the Beatles' rock medley, You Never Give Me Your Money, from the Abbey Road album (1969). Think of this as a comedic song parody that could once be found in MAD Magazine. Here goes:

You never make a donation,
And now the world is coming to--an end!
And here we thought you were a loyal friend*.
What went wrong?

You never fill out our surveys.
How are we s'posed to measure dem-o-graphics?
Now the whole country is all stuck in traffic
All day long!

Four years ago, all full of hate
An evil man went to deregulate
And now the entire world is going broke.
His empire of corrupt white men
Is screwing its people again and again,
Treating the recent pandemic like a joke!
But where to run to---when it's all a "joke"?

Quar-an-tine.
Gotta stay inside for a while if you know what I mean.
At least the solicitation hounds
Are no longer out making the rounds.

Quar-an-tine
Hope it hits the White Trash House.
Hope it hits the White Trash House.

Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one,
Look at all those dumb MAGAs run!
Seven, six, five, four , three, two, one,
Look at all those dumb MAGAs run!

(repeat and fade)

I wonder if Randy Rainbow would make a video of this and it could very fittingly go viral?

sucker or easily fooled rube

63

@62: The "sucker or easily fooled rube" is the definition / explanation for the word "friend" in the above song lyrics.
There should have been another asterisk (*).

64

Is anyone game for this week's Lucky @69 Award? Tick...tick...tick...

65

@62: This classic rock song parody is entirely meant to serve as a satirical ice breaker, not to rile anyone politically, economically, environmentally, health-wise, or psychologically.

67

@49 curious2: I hope you and others don't take offense by my classic rock medley parody of the Beatles' You Never Give Me Your Money (from the Abbey Road album, 1969). The contents were meant to be humorous while calling the true criminals out on their wrongdoing.
Like others, I am working from my home. In addition I practice and play music. I sometimes come up with song lyrics. Every now and then I can come up with hilarious parodies of actual songs.

68

....and this week's Lucky @69 winner IS!...............

69

Me.
God knows, I need some luck right about now. Thank you.

70

@62: Nicely done, auntie grizelda!

71

Why did the mismatched couple get married? And why hasn't she spoken up in all those years before marriage?

Because women are STILL not expected to know what they want and how to go about getting it. She may have been otherwise inexperienced. And thought that not bringing up these issues was being kinder and more supportive to him, figuring that once they were married these things would just work out themselves. Like in Harlequin romances. Sigh.

I get the horrifying feeling that, when she says she can't feel him, she's not even 1% turned on. Her tissues aren't engorged, she's barely wet, she's really not feeling anything. And, as she's so passive with him, I can't see her finding a compatible lover when the things she says - to Dan but not her husband - only lead to a dead end..

72

@69 WA-HOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Major congratulations to nocutename for scoring this week's Lucky @69 Award! May ample good fortune smile upon you as you bask in the glory of envied SL decadence. :)
@70 nocutename: Many thanks. I keep hoping record and film companies will sign me up.

73

@70 nocutename: I have emailed Randy Rainbow about this song parody. I'd love it if he made it into a video!

74

@67 griz
It's always time for music!

75

@74 curious2: What did you think of the song parody lyrics? It's a little fun I take breaks for now and then when a sudden idea hits me. I have just finished a big music arrangement project before going on to my next big orchestration.

76

If any more hideous trolls threaten to sabotage the Savage Love column comment threads, I will start singing again. That should scare them off. Most MAGAs are unbelievably illiterate, while I can sing in pitch.

77

Fubar @59, perhaps he anticipated that he would be blocked and created several profiles pre-emptively?

Griz @62, thank you for those great parody lyrics! Perhaps you have a sideline to the serious composing! :) You could make it into a video yourself. Perhaps like Covid19, it will go viral. (Ba-dum tish!)

Congrats Nocute @69 on the magic number! Well deserved after such thorough analysis of MND's letter. Helenka @71, you may be right that someone immature enough to ask an agony uncle what her husband meant by "snack" instead of asking him herself is immature enough to believe that a wedding is a fairytale experience that will magically make her husband's dick bigger and inspire him to go down on her. This is why I have such a problem with "find a man to marry" as a goal in and of itself, rather than "find a partner who makes you happy in every way and THEN think about getting married to them."

78

LW1, you say you love this man with all your heart, then compromise. He has anal with you because then he’ll feel something, and he goes down on you and uses toys.
Did you mention anal.. not on your list, perhaps, like him going down on you is not on his list?
Talk, only wAy forward now. People caught in a house together, can’t lie, it flows thru the air. They also can’t be unkind and rude, because a peaceful space gives one a chance to be creative with how they live thru this time.

79

Ms Grizelda - I used to write a good many song parodies, but rarely to songs well known. I do remember eventually getting at least a chorus and second verse to go with an opening I had knocking around in mind for a couple of decades -

His name is Elroy
He was a call boy
But that was forty years ago
And what they called him I don't know...

80

Ms Cute's postscript - It served a useful purpose. As annoying as it may sometimes seem when one decides to show all the work rather than assume reasonable intelligence on the other end, your asterisk reminded me of poor Mr Geer and how the Communists pushed him into marrying. I am torn between wondering whether most of those who seem to think we should be jumping through hoops to become hard leftists are malicious or just ignorant, and hoping that real-life pairs of SS people who had to form DS couples found doing so as rewarding as Mr Geer and Ms Corby found in their portrayal of the senior Waltons.

81

@79:
. . . Now he's on Ebay
Sells prints by Man Ray
And though he used to be so cute
The meth-use rendered that point moot

At Nostalgia, Nostal-bonanza: sordid and dirty morphs to charming and flirty, at Nostalgia . . . don't fall in love . . .

82

@75 griz
Sorry I needed to play the song to appreciate your lyrics. I think they're wonderful! Honestly I think I like it more that the Beatles version. (In an unrivalled catalog, it isn't really criticism to say I don't think it's one of their best songs. Speaking of their catalog, as a Beatles fan, I adored the 2019 film 'Yesterday'.)

Question though: is there a place now where we are "all stuck in traffic"? Here it's closer to a post-apocalyptic ghost town, with no traffic even at 'rush hour'. Traffic reports do occasionally report something, but that's only because as one would after the apocalypse, people are driving like they're the last person on Earth or at least as fast as they want. (I'd hesitate to do that for no other reason than the last thing I want right now is a lack of physical distance from a highway patrol officer or an ambulance driver. In fact it's probably good that I'm staying closer than usual to the speed limit, just because getting COVID and dying feels like an excessive penalty for driving faster than the speed limit.)

Personally I like Beatles later instead of earlier, and less instead of more produced, so I've loved collecting things like their sessions in early 1969.

83

@77 BiDanFan: I wish I had my own video equipment. I'd be at it now. I really would like my little song parodies going viral right now, globally. I'd LOVE it if the entire Trumpty Dumpty Evil Empire rightfully ends up in quarantine for their criminal ineptitude, dying isolated and alone for all their heinous crimes against humanity and the Earth for selfish personal gain. Then House Speaker Nancy Pelosi can take over as an actual President of the newly re-United States, appoint an effectively functional federal administration back to checks and balances, and....possibly we have life post-apocalyptic. Finally, a well qualified intelligent woman in charge after four years of grossly incompetent disaster.
How are you and everyone in the U.K. dealing with Boris Johnson as Prime Minister? He's a New York City, NY, USA-born Yank (and only six weeks older than I am)! How does that work?Does he ever get milkshaked?
@79 vennominon and @81 nocutename: I like your song parody lyrics!
@82 curious2: I have a little confession to make about my recent song parody.The phrase "stuck in traffic" was the only one i could find to effectively rhyme with "demographic". While you are indeed, correct that most freeways, interstate highways, roads, and streets through towns are now barren, I was also thinking of the current building boom going on here in the PNW--that doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon, despite the coronavirus pandemic. There are new apartments still being built near where I live, even at the risk of contractors' health and safety.
At least the number of homeless people in my community seems to have gone down.
Everyone stay healthy, safe, and sane. Avoid the ER!

84

@83 griz
Ah! IIRC you live in the middle of the state, I imagine that your population density has gone way up.
(As it has everywhere, there are SO many more people than when I was a kid!)

85

@77 BiDanFan: I've always believed that music and laughter are the best forms of medicine. If my song parodies do go global, and the Trump / Pence Evil Empire end up with CONVID-19, dying in isolation---their own self-induced prison death sentences---would that mean Griz saves the world?

86

@84 curious2: I'm actually in the northwestern region of Washington State, not the central part. But yes, despite the present coronavirus CONVID-19 pandemic, building construction is indeed showing no signs of slowing. I'd hate to think it's another blatant example of wealth and greed.

88

I like it Grizelda, well done. I’ve put the Beatles on in celebration of creativity. I can’t get anything happening creatively, I feel stunned.
And you sent it to Randy, good one. Stay safe dear Grizelda.

89

Ms Cute - Well done!

If you enjoy malaprops, I can recommend the Ladies of Letters series as read primarily by Patricia Routledge and Prunella Scales.

91

We can hope.

92

@90: I'm glad you're on the mend, Hunter.

93

@88 LavaGirl: Thanks, Lava, and bless you. I was grocery shopping today, and there was an older man wearing a MAGA cap. Nothing was said, other than my shaking my head in disgust, muttering the [he] ought to be ashamed of himself. He was just as clueless as ever. Such idiots have no shame.
I haven't heard from Randy Rainbow, yet, but would love to.
@90: I'm glad you're feeling better.

Everyone stay healthy, safe, and sane.

Big Hunsky, anyone? Tick..tick..tick...

96

Hunter @95, Corbyn was anti-EU as well.

97

BDF@96, my understanding is that Hunter is referring to Keir Starmer, Corbyn's replacement as Labour leader. Starmer was actively pushing for a second referendum on Brexit.

98

"letting him get your goat is like trying to self-inoculate by getting the disease"
Lol golden. I think of rage and nonsense as contagious diseases too.

"The main difference in het sex is that a guy's orgasm mainly depends on what the guy does, while the woman's orgasm mainly depends on what the guy does."
I learned how to come during sex many moons ago when a guy sat me on his dick, laid back and told me to figure out what felt good for me, in other words played the passive sex role that women are more encouraged to play. I figured out what felt good for me. It was great. I'm not sure if this supports or argues against your theory. It takes two, even though he was trying not to move. Imo it's equally valid to say that both peoples' intercourse orgasms depend on the woman, too. Or as Dan says, everyone is responsible for their own orgasm. I hope you and yours are doing well and finding creative outlets to connect.

Thank you Curious. I hope you have been finding ways to keep yourself calm and well regulated. Virtual hugs. Gravity blanket?

Hun, I hope you are staying hydrated, clean and relaxed. Do you generally marry or have sex for years with people you are not sexually interested in, then? You seem very confident that this submissive female role you've introduced has some universal meaning, but as a woman I disagree. It sounds like you are saying she will struggle to be less passive and more assertive, because it's hard to change and grow, that makes more sense, and applies to any gender, even if it's maybe currently a more common problem for women.

I know Dan doubled down and argued against traveling even to maintain a physical connection with one other, but I very much disagree about his placement of responsibility. At-risk people are responsible for protecting themselves against possibly contagious public surfaces. Uninfected or asymptomatic people only have the responsibility to avoid transmissive activities unless the other requests or clearly consents to it. Example: when I use the gas station, I wipe down the keypad and pump with isopropyl, my presence there is not harmful to others, in fact may be helpful, and I would expect a responsible person to avoid touching these surfaces unprotected anyway, so it is not harmful to travel cautiously. What matters is how well you protect yourself from unwashed surfaces (careful avoidance of cross contamination), and other people through approved social distancing. I don't believe the cdc has recommended suspending non cohabitating sexual relationships, although I do think it's a time to encourage monogamy despite my personal preferences.

New cdc recommendation, face masks. It's time to fight this microscope but visible enemy together.

99

A passive, live and let live, this too shall pass, ability to chill out and accept reality even when it's disappointing, can be a strength. But an inability to be assertive or find motivation when it matters a lot is not just passive, it sounds like depression.

100

@98 Philophile
"Curious...Gravity blanket?"

When I melted down a couple months back, I tried one of those weighted blankets. But weirdly, without knowing the whole story of why I liked them so much, I've always had thick multiple layers of beddings which are so heavy by themselves, that with a weighted blanket too, there was much too much total weight. But I did learn that I've always done the weighted-blanket thing without realizing I was.

101

@100: WA-HOOOO!!!!! Big Congrats to curious2 for scoring this week's Big Hunsky! Savor the massive glory, and may good fortune shower abundant riches on you soon. :)

Hey, Dan and everybody, Griz has another song parody to share, and I SWEAR, this one is 10 times better than the first! Is anyone interested in the lyrics? Hopefully Mick Jagger and Keith Richards don't sue me.

102

Well, heck, Griz can't help herself.
Here it is:
It's Time to Remove Donald Trump
* sung to You Can't Always Get What You Want, c. 1969, by MIck Jagger and Keith Richards, from the Rolling Stones album, Let it Bleed:

I went down to buy some groceries.
Store shelves and streets were sitting bare.
There's a global virus wiping out our country,
And the White House officials don't even care.
I knew in 2016 to vote for Clinton.
Trump's filed bankruptcy four times.
Hillary would now face life in prison
If she'd committed one TENTH of his war crimes!

[refrain] It's time to remove Donald Trump.
It's time to remove Donald Trump.
It's time to remove Donald Trump.
Don't take his bribe
And unsubscribe--to his Twitter feed!

I read about some people in Alabama*
Who can't get an extention on Medicaid.
For some reason they keep voting Republican.
They believe in God, they're dying, and they're afraid.
Women's health issues are ignored there.
Maternal death rates are sky high.
Their governor was diagnosed and cured for cancer.
As for the poor, Trump said, "Just let them die."

[refrain]

To the people of this deeply divided nation,
I hope that you know what to do.
If we're still going to have an election,
Let's turn this country back into a healthy BLUE!

It's time to remove Donald Trump (Yes!)
It's time to remove Donald Trump.
It's time to remove Donald Trump.
Don't take his bribe
And unsubscribe to his Twitter feed!

(repeat and fade)

source: "A Deadly Principle", by Eyal Press, The New Yorker Magazine, April 6, 2020, pages 24-31.

103

@103 griz
Now that's a great song, and I loved the lyrics!

Honestly at this point removing him seems so inadequate, what he deserves now is the death penalty. (Which is weird to say because I'm not even in favor of the death penalty. And I won't be in favor of it for him either once he's out of office, once he's no longer in the process of committing a great crime against humanity, then life imprisonment will be what's right.)

When any murderer is safely in custody, then I think life imprisonment is sufficient. But when they're in the process of killing, then I believe the use of deadly force is justified if necessary to stop them.

104

@103 curious2: Many thanks. I dunno--lately song lyrics just pour out of me like a spring of sparkling fresh water. Here's hoping the end to MAGAvirus comes swiftly and soon.

105

“ Here's hoping the end to MAGAvirus comes swiftly and soon.”
Not Coronavirus, it is Trump-ona virus.

106

Send to everyone you know:
Trump’s lies:
https://youtu.be/ch7_t2Ri2Zg

107

@105: Isn't it past your bedtime?

108

This made me laugh:
https://thehardtimes.net/culture/polyamorous-woman-quarantined-with-least-favorite-boyfriend/

109

No further comments on my latest song parody (@102)?
I thought it was actually better than my first one (@62).

Everyone stay well, safe and sane.

110

@105 always.want.more: Many thanks. Please accept my humble apologies. It appears we are in agreement. I accidentally mistook you for a troll.

114

No, Dan and Tristan, my relationship is not "cancelled"! Non-nesting relationships - whether mono or poly, btw - currently cannot meet in person. That's very far from being cancelled, and the fact that you only applied that description to non-monogamous relationships makes me feel that perhaps you don't take them as seriously. (Also, does this mean that LDRs are always cancelled except for when the people involved are visiting each other?) Being alone during this pandemic is already scary and miserable enough, without you suggesting that my relationship doesn't count any more.