Griz!

Herpes ex boyfriend - tell him by text and then block him.

"I'm a bi guy, living alone."
Ok, got it.
"new guy moved into the house where I live in—we share communal areas but have private rooms"
Ok, yeah, so you don't live alone, you have at least one roommate, or flatmate if you want to sound European, or housemate if you want to sound like you're living in college housing while making it clear that your bedroom is yours alone.

Oh, and my advice is to try some light flirting first and see if he responds in kind before escalating any further. It's not ok to say "hey want to have sex" without any reason to think they want to, especially when they're stuck being around you for the forseeable future due to a pandemic.

LW1: Dan's 100% right. Change your locks and get some therapy to figure out why you put up with this fuckery for so long.

LW2: Again, Yup. Once someone removes the nice options, the not-nice options are all that's left. He's a jerk, stay no-contact.

LW3: Eeeh... no. Maybe do some VERY mild flirting, but hitting on your housemate when you're all trapped together is creepy and Not Cool. Back off.

LW4: If it's a need, help your bf learn to tie people up better and stop being such a whiny princess. https://www.oglaf.com/submission/

LW5: Start slow and ask if she wants to make out some time.

LW2/HERP- a tough call, yet considering the circumstances I’d avoid disclosure as Dan suggested. That said, if ex is so bad why does LW keep contact with them, assuming they are still on speaking/social terms as her fears may indicate.

3/HELP
While a bit of a slacker is a bit vague it seems like you already have your reservations.
As opposed to Dan I think shit rules should still apply. Copulation under cohabitation may provide some comfort in the short run, a shit bag explosion is likely to be extra stinky under the current circumstances. And assuming you are the one subletting the room to the holy shit some fairly hot legal issues may follow if and when. Hopefully not but you never know.
Keep masturbating to the fantasy- or fantasies- you have re this guy and follow up with an honest assessment afterwards. Is it worth pursuing it? What could possibly go wrong?
Also, the letter does not indicate slacker’s orientation, which is another thing you should consider.

5/GIRL
I would follow Dan’s advice, but wait until you can have the conversation in person. Not sure re your current level of engagement with your friend. Are you keeping in touch daily? Do you know what is happening in her life right now?
Such loaded phone conversation, if out the blue, may come across as odd, possibly negative, and not a very sexy one.

Re: herp Depending where she lives she may not have to do anything. The sexually transmitted diseases shall be reported to the local health officer within 72 hours on a Sexually Transmitted Diseases Laboratory and Morbidity Epidemiologic Case Report, F-44243 (Word fillable) or by entering the data into the WEDSS or by other means within 72 hours of the identification of a case or suspected case.

Assuming that he gave it to her and that he has fucked/infected more than one person (male/female) then he will never know that she was source of the complaint. The health department will contact him and trace ALL sexual contacts he has had. It is a crime not to report an STI. If he refuses or provides false information he can be charged with a misdemeanor or felony.

Then again there is always social media shaming (of the scumbag)

BTW If he knew he had herpes when he gave it to her(and since he didn't tell her) then she can sue him for negligence or personal injury, and if he loses, he may have to pay monetary damages to her and any one else he knowingly gave it to for their costs (therapy, medical treatment, loss of time at work, etc.) and injuries.

skep @ 7,8
It's good to know the law is likely to be on her side, yet everything indicates she would very much rather not having to deal with him in the first place. If a courteous disclosure can cause nasty stuff who knows what pursuing legal matters may lead to.

TIED! I know it can be frustrating to have a partner who's trying to satisfy you but isn't good at it — but hey! We've all got nothing but time now! Put the hours into teaching your partner to tie you up (the web tutorial from your FWBs is a great idea too! Maybe even let them watch!), and this will be an investment of time you'll be so glad you made!

Don't be expecting it to be hot and heavy at first. It's gonna be clumsy and goofy, maybe even tedious, and you probably won't get off. But (THIS IS IMPORTANT) don't allow your brain to believe that clumsy/goofy/tedious/non-getting-off is the way it's always going to be. Keep your eyes on the prize: an expertly trained tie-you-up boyfriend who knows what he's doing so much that it drives you wild. And while your eyes are on that prize, don't lose sight of the prize you've got now: a boyfriend who really wants to make you happy, who's willing to look like a total doofus in order to learn about something whose entire purpose is to make you happy. And on top of that, you live with him! You're a lucky guy, TIED. Let your boyfriend know you know how lucky you are to have him. And keep letting him know that, no matter how clumsy/goofy/maybe-tedious this training period gets.

@1 WA-HOOOO!!! Why thank you, jack, for awarding me the FIRDT honors! I accept. ;)
@3 & @4: Welcome back. Anklosaurus!

Agony @2, that's what I came here to say. Or send him an old-fashioned letter.

Ankyl @3, if he's the only one whose name is on his lease, he lives alone. Would you say that nobody living in a highrise "lives alone" because they have to share the elevator? I disagree with Dan and agree with HELP's friends. It sounds like he lives in a boarding house and it's possible that everyone in it has been able to observe social distancing -- staying 2 meters apart, disinfecting surfaces, etc -- up until now. So he risks not only Covid but making a living situation he can't escape awkward. If he absolutely must take the wrong head's advice, he should take your tack and flirt lightly. Perhaps ask him to watch a (non-porn!) movie in his room with queer themes and see how the guy reacts. Or mention offhand how horny he's getting in lockdown and how he misses sucking dick. Millions of people have no outlet besides masturbation right now and they are all surviving.

Great advice for TIED. Would it kill him to let his boyfriend tie him up badly? This could be an opportunity for him to learn to get better at it. He's willing and eager, so let him do it! Also, what about bondage options other than rope that aren't escapable no matter who applies them, like cuffs and spreaders? Be creative!

Oh, GIRL! The amount of sapphic sex that never happens because young women are insecure. So what if your friend is hotter than you are? That doesn't mean she doesn't fancy you. One, I bet you're hotter than you think; two, looks are not the only thing that make a person attractive; three, if one is insecure oneself (and all teenage girls and young women are), it feels safer to approach someone a bit less attractive because your chances might be better. If you don't know any or many other queer girls, it's extremely likely your friend is flirting with an "I was just joking" get-out clause. I would advise against using outdated technology, flirt back, and when she has an in-person opportunity, make a pass at the friend. Confidence is attractive, GIRL, and I see no reason why your friend wouldn't want to have sex with you. Good luck!

Traffic @5 re GIRL, yes. Dan advised both HELP and GIRL to just come out and ask "do you want to have sex," but in the real world that's jarring. GIRL should start lower key; "may I kiss you?" would work better here. And probably for HELP, too.

CMD @6, agree 100% with all of your points. Another point re HERP is that she says he's asymptomatic. How does she know? How long were they together? Herpes can stay dormant for a long time, and the symptoms can be different; he may have had a sore hidden beneath his pubes that she never noticed. It's entirely possible he's asshole enough to know full well he had it and not have told her. She also says he'll "keep going and going," which indicates to me that she suspects he knows he had it when he slept with her. If she tells him, he won't have the plausible deniability with his future partners, and at least her conscience will be clear if any of them catch it.

Skeptic @7/@8, I wondered if this (the health department informing past partners) was a thing. Thank you. I disagree she should either shame him on social media or sue him. For one, CMD is right, she doesn't want to have to deal with him. The damage is done and for all she knows, she didn't catch it from him. Spreading rumours on social media is a shitty thing to do even if the rumours are true; besides, he'll deny them and say she's being vindictive. Inform him anonymously if possible, then let this sleeping dog lie.

HELP has made the remark about his new housemate being a slacker, I would think, to imply that in normal circumstances, non-COVID circumstances, he would have reservations about starting a relationship with him. But these aren't normal circumstances. If there was ever a time for people to suspend their standards, to be open to flings with hot but not necessarily well-matched people on other grounds, it's now.

But whether HELP makes a pass or not depends, as others have said, on whether they live in the same household or not. If he lives in a house comprising a number of self-contained living areas, the bed he's made for himself is jerking off and online connections. If he lives in a house with a shared kitchen and (say) three other housemates, one of whom is Hot Slacker, he could tentatively go for it. (I would actually think this, since otherwise how could he have evidence for the guy being a slacker?).

TIED should tell his bf to tie knots he cannot get out of. If his partner is psychologically unable to do this (something I might infer--otherwise why is there a letter at all?), he's justified in telling his bf to stick to their habitual loving but not kinky sex. If TIED just isn't in the headspace, though, where his bf--and not his FWBs--dominates him, then I would think this a good time to loosen those--purely mental--constraints and for the couple to broaden their sexual repertoire. It won't be the same as being topped by experienced people, and in some ways it might be inept, less satisfying, not as good ... but his bf's giving it a go has the potential to deepen their connection.

Harriet @13, HELP literally says "we share communal areas but have private rooms." I would imagine the communal areas are kitchen and bathroom. Is there also a communal living room where they are all welcome to hang out, or do they spend all time not eating, showering or crapping in their own rooms? It's not clear, though HELP's statement that he lives alone implies the latter, to me. I agree that if the space is shared enough that germs have already inevitably already been transferred, there is no health reason not to approach the housemate, though there is the don't shit where you eat reason. Ironically, the less the approach is a health risk, the more it's a drama risk. How he got the impression of Hot Housemate (HH) as a slacker is a good question; is it just his kitchen hygiene, his dress style, or does he sort of know the guy?

Harriet @14: "TIED should tell his bf to tie knots he cannot get out of." Oh, great idea, everyone knows instinctually how to do this. [Sarcasm klaxon.] This is a skill that needs to be learned, Harriet. TIED should TEACH his bf to tie knots he cannot get out of.

Not sure where HERP lives but in Australia there are anonymous services to let STI contacts know they need testing without them knowing the report came from you or when they were exposed. Letthemknow is one I've recommended to patients or your sexual health clinic/primary care doctor can contact them for you with a generic clinic message.

Harriet @14 and BDF@15: Yeah, some of us grew up with scout-style training and see securely tying people up to be about 1 degree more difficult than tying your own shoes. Others, not so much.

But it can be learned, so LW should work with his BF to practice.

Yes Anky @4; has this man indicated to HELP that he’s interested in any way, given it’s been a few months living together. Could be very awkward, then life at this time seems to be encouraging new moments.

GIRL: next time your friend jokes about wanting to have sex, say "Yes".

(As others said) this would be a good time for HERP to send a text then block him.

"Health authorities have advised us to shit where we eat for the time being."

Telling us not to shit elsewhere isn't exactly the same thing, because unlike going without shitting, going without partered sex is an option.

It's true that their COVID risk wouldn't go up much unless their current practice in "communal areas" is to wear very effective masks and take pretty extreme measures to avoid infection vectors. But all the good reasons not to shit where one eats apply exponentially more now than ever!

@12 BiDanFan
"staying 2 meters apart"

IJWTS that indoors without masks, since COVID-19 particles in air remain viable for hours, physical distancing would be smart but it might not help much. Ditto with masks if not properly used.

Curious @20, you're exactly right. Health authorities have absolutely NOT advised people to start banging their housemates, flatmates, shared-kitchen-mates. If you are not swapping spit with anyone, now is not a good time to start.

As for risk reduction strategies, I saw Carolyn Hax compare them to wearing seatbelts. Seatbelts will not 100% prevent injury if you are in an accident, but they will greatly reduce the risk and extent of the damage. Ditto with masks even if not "properly" used. Breathing the air in a room someone else was in half an hour ago is far less risky than putting that someone's tongue in your mouth. So yes, let's leave it at "physical distancing would be smart."

We've already had concerns over LW1's missing the obvious' now I'll just note that Change the Locks is the same number of words as the iconic You Can Move.

I'll defer to those with experience of social diseases on disclosure in general. It does seem a benefit if LW2 can disclose anonymously. I'll add the gentle hint, however, that, left unchecked, fear of being called something nasty will quickly encroach upon pleasant activities as well as unpleasant.

L3 has a binormative feel. As Mx Wanna points out, S3's orientation is not given, and there's no strong feel from the letter whether LW3 even knows that S3 is compatibly oriented. One could go round and round about the relative merits of assuming everyone to be compatibly oriented to oneself until contrary testimony is provided versus assuming everyone to be incompatibly oriented to oneself until seeing contrary proof. Assuming the household to be a binormative (or possibly homonormative) space in a way that would not detract from LW3's making the approach, the only reason against that comes to mind which hasn't already been mentioned would be if S3's being straight would spoil LW3's fantasies.

Unlucky for LW4 that there's no easy workaround. In some cases, a novice can accommodate an expert's passion - if LW4 were equally passionate about chess, he could offer BF4 enormous odds, for instance. On the other side, it sounds as if the standard could be a bit too high and LW4 is requiring more than what we could call maintenance bondage. I think M?? Harriet is closer to the mark than Mr Savage in that we at least want to know first whether BF4 really wants to get beyond maintenance bondage or whether LW4 really wants such an accommodation from BF4 (with all the implications of an equally large accommodation in return). As for tutelage from one or other of the FWBs should either/both be willing, that may depend on whether they're friends of the couple or specifically LW4's friends. As BF4 is generally happy with outsourcing, my guess is that LW4 is less than pleasant company when the need goes too long unmet.

I suppose it can be an SS drawback that, "I'm more attracted to X than X seems to be to me," can quickly devolve into Who's Hotter, not to mention unhelpful ideas about Leagues. I'll defer to Ms Fan pn her refinement of particulars. Mr Savage seems basically on target about Asking Direct Questions and Making Direct Statements.

@1 lol awesome
@2 anonymous text, else he can still retaliate. "I slept with you in the last year and just tested pos for herpes, sorry"

Dfa might get himself into therapy if he thinks of it as a way to get strong enough to help his bf see the value in therapy and rehab? Teletherapy is trendy now.

I can see why dfa might feel bad about cutting someone off, even one who's hurt him badly. It's a rough time to become homeless, and he probably still loves bf. A counselor is the perfect person to discuss ways he could protect himself while helping bf, as well as finding ways to meet his needs without bf. Exploring homeless resources might give new options..

@21 BiDanFan
"Ditto with masks even if not "properly" used."

Especially if someone with a high viral load coughs at or near one; for that 'direct projection' a very effective mask would provide most of the protection even not well-sealed (even a bandana would be a lot better than nothing). A half hour later it would be potential aerosolized particles, which a poor seal would be most problematic for.

/Break/
An elderly physician acquaintance became quite alarmed (so much so he retired) in February after a patient doing a lot of coughing coughed directly into his face a foot away. Neither wore masks. At the time we didn't know it was loose here in California, but then his biggest fear became that he'd given COVID to his wife. (His antibody test was negative but apparently those are too unreliable to trust.)

@23 Philophile
Good idea!
anonymoustext.com

This is an example of burying the lead if I ever saw one. HERP's letter has little to do with herpes. She says she's legitimately scared of a man with anger issues she broke up with a month ago who was cheating on her. Can we stay with that a second? You have got to get somewhere safe. Is all you're afraid of that he'll call you a slut? I doubt it. Being called a name is not that bad. Calling names is something weak gossipy people do when they've got nothing else. He acted like a slut when he cheated on you, and now he'll call you a slut as a preemptive strike. That bores me the way middle school dramas do, but if he's in a position to harm you, this is not a time for yawning. This awakens the protective feminist in me. Clang bells. Seek domestic abuse shelters. Don't tell him. Don't tell him anything. Walk away, have nothing more to do with him, block his numbers. Gather protective people around you. Tell them the truth even if there are parts of the truth that embarrass you. Like if he hit you, and you went back to him, get that on record. It's important. Why do you have anything to do with him anyway if you broke up? Stay safe, and talk to a doctor about that rash. There's treatment available.

@26 Fichu
I think you might be right.

I think the reason I didn't react that way, is that by telling us early in the letter that she "freaked out about a rash", it made one wonder whether her (now quoting Dan) "fears are legitimate".

Too bad this was (in) a quickies column. (Quickies exacerbate that most letters would benefit from some back-and-forth, and fuller replies; I'm not a big quickies fan.)

BDF @ 12 I wasn't advocating that she shame him. I agree that it wouldn't be a good idea in her case and she is unlikely to do it given her fear. However, I do know that that some people have done this. The bit of suing him was only for informational purposes.

From the way I read the letter, she knows, not just suspects he was the source. Her reaction to his cheating implies that he is the only person she could have gotten it from;

Point of order. If something is a verifiable fact it can not be a rumor, lie, slander or liable.

If she really doesn't want any contact with him she should just block him and be done with it.

cockyballsup @ 24 This is from 2013 and I haven't tried to update it

https://www.cdc.gov/std/program/final-std-statutesall-states-5june-2014.pdf

Herpes is not notifiable to CDC since it is not reportable in all 50 States

The issue with the slacker yet hot roommate is not to flat out offer sex. It's to BEFRIEND him and figure out his story. Even if he is gay or bi, it's entirely possible that his sexual desires may not be aligned.
1. Tell him you're bored and feel like the two of you should get a 12 pack and play cards / watch a movie / whatever
2. See what you discover from that chat and go down that road. There's a 95% chance he's straight because most people are. Just saying

For HELP, I'd recommend saying "let me know if you ever want to watch porn together, 'cause I'd be up for it."

Jerking off side-by-side is a time-honored way to test the waters for jerking each other off (or oral).

Tim @30: Well, I'd say more than 5% of men are some sort of MLM, but the chances of him being MLM, attracted to the LW, and interested in banging a housemate? 1%.

Of course it's a bad idea to have sex with your roommate. Everybody knows that. Dan too! But you don't come to Dan for good advice. You come to Dan for Dan's advice. And Dan's advice for the past 30ish years is to pounce on sexy opportunities as long as it's evenish money that it works out non-terribly.

Dan is an advocate before he is an advice columnist. When you ask him for advice, he's going to look to advocate for his personal preferences if possible, regardless of whether that's the safest and most ethical path.

Venn @22, yes, that bit was odd. Either he assumes HH is gay or bi, or he has some reason to believe HH is gay or bi, or he is counting on HH being horny enough in lockdown to accept a "bro job" no matter what his orientation is. That's why I made the uncharacteristic recommendation of dropping a hint rather than being direct.

Fichu @26, good point. I can't tell from the letter whether she's in actual danger, but I agree with Dan's advice that if she thinks she is, she should not contact him about this. Another issue, however, is the person he cheated with. Should HERP drop that person an anonymous note warning them to get tested? Might be an idea.

Skeptic @28, point of disorder. A rumour can be true. A rumour is unverified, which means it may or may not be true. It's Schrodinger's fact. Some rumours turn out to be true, do they not? If information heard through the grapevine turns out to be true, it's not retroactively not a rumour at the time you heard it. (And it's "libel," which, if you commit, you may be liable for damages.)

Traffic @33, I do think the odds of wanting, at least, a no-recip blowjob could be higher due to the lockdown situation. HH has no sexual outlet besides masturbation at the moment, either. I still think more investigation is needed. Perhaps he could take a page from GIRL's friend and make some "jokes" about wanting to have sex, and see how he responds.

ATTN: HERP

Never commented here, so I really hope she sees this, or Dan does and can pass it along.

You're concerned you passed herpes to your ex, but the FAR more likely scenario here is that he gave it to you. (And I'm so sorry, because that really sucks.)
While many people are asymptomatic carriers, women who contract herpes in adulthood will very commonly have an outbreak at or near the time of first contraction. Men don't have that first outbreak even remotely as often. You caught him cheating. Odds are, he was cheating long before you caught him. (Again, I'm sorry!) Ergo, the logic here is that he contracted it first and passed it to you. I want you to know this so that you can be angry at him, not feel bad for him. As someone mentioned above, there are anonymous services that can send him a message alerting him to get tested, so if you really feel like he needs to be informed, you can go that route without having to re-open communications with the scumbag.

Fichu @ 26
I think it’s already established that Dan missed sounding the alarm on HERP’s ex abusive behavior. How bad it is and whether there’s a violent history or potential we don’t know, though I think she should cut all contacts with him regardless.
Telling friends of what happened and/or might is a good idea, I’d still stay away from those who are also friends with ex for safety reasons.

EP @ 31
BDF @ 35
Before we give HELP any advice as how to better gauge if his housemate is interested in mating we need to clarify if such move, whether accepted or not, is actually worth it.
As I see it a rejection is likely to make it quite odd for two people locked together, and having sex with someone who pays you rent and you already sense is not your type despite their hotness is not a good idea either.

Phil @ 34
While I agree that Dan’s advice wasn’t the best in this case there were many other instances in which ethics and common sense trumped erections and other sensations.

There's a simple solution for herpes person. You want the guy to know so he doesn't unknowingly give it to anyone else but you don't want to deal with the ramifications. Create a brand new, one-time email address and send a short message that explains you were once his sexual partner and that you now have herpes and are telling people anonymously. Word it to make it seem like it was from an encounter three years ago to throw him off the scent. Then delete the email and you can live in bliss. He's not going to call up a bunch of exes asking if they sent him a herpes notification.

I've used this before when I stumbled across nudes of a friend of a friend online. I didn't know them well enough to give them a heads up but wanted them to know they were out there so they could potentially get them taken down before it cost them a job or something. I felt like I'd done my part but didn't have to be in a totally weird situation (maybe they wanted them up there, maybe this would make them uncomfortable etc.).

@DFA; Agreed and seconded with Dan the Man: Yahtzee--you win! Change your locks, email addresses, contact info, cell phone number etc. That asshole is not worth a nano-second more of your time. Rejoice, and don't look back.

@23 Philophile: Hey, if jack (@1) is not interested in accepting the FIRDT (originated by Hunter, I believe, way back when the first commenter of a long ago Savage Love comment thread was apparently SO excited about being first to post that he/she signed in "FIRDT"!) honors, I'll gladly take them. Griz will therefore decline on landing on the Lucky @69 Award this week. :)

Remember, everyone--nobody posting in the Savage Love comment threads is required at all to play in Griz's Lucky Numbers game. For those of you who don't want to participate, scroll down or skip over all numbers starting with 1, 69, 100, and from there, ending in 69 or 00. :)

@37 CMDwannabe: I share your thoughts about @HELP. Being under quarantine is strange enough without being attracted to a hot housemate who isn't into you.

@GIRL: Good luck in your sexual exploring. Hopefully your girl friend is for real and not joking about having sex with you to be hurtful. If so, she needs to back off.

There's another possibility for GIRL, something in between Friend is joking because she wants sex and joking because she doesn't. I think it likely that the Friend is joking because she doesn't know herself and is testing the waters. I like my own metaphor so I'll continue with it for a moment. Asking Friend if she wants to dive in or sit on the beach isn't helpful. Friend wants to see if the temperature of the ocean feels good to her, put in a toe, and ankle, wade in a little, keep the option of getting out and sitting on the sand. So that's why I suggest GIRL offer her friend. Not sex, that's too scary. Instead, next time there's a joke and you're alone with her, joke about kissing her. No clothes off, no grinding, just a kiss with a little tongue. See how that goes. Be prepared to back away if it doesn't go well or if you hear a no. Does it go well? Good. Next time, kiss again, or if you're feeling brave, tell her she looks tense and offer a back rub. I'll leave the next moves in young lesbian sex to the experts, but I've made my point. She's doing ambiguous flirting so you do some ambiguous flirting in return-- only your's involves touching. The important thing is that she has to trust you not to push further than she wants to go. Get consent at every step. That way, if you run into a hard no, your friendship can be preserved. (And you won't be an asshole. Getting consent is always important if you don't want to be an asshole which means it's especially important when you're young and just starting out.) Remember that most teenage sexual/romantic relationships don't work out over the long haul, but they are worthwhile. Good luck.

Shared houses can turn into bed hopping ones, maybe HELP knows this man is a possibility because of dates he’s brought to the house.
If he’s going in cold, it’s no more presumptive than a man assuming a woman is heterosexual, and flirting with her.

Maybe a little more presumptive % wise, so HELP does flirts with care. Nothing ventured.

Fichu @ 41
Not only this is a good advice, it also exposes another issue that Dan, and admittedly also myself, likely missed this week. GIRL’s question was very specific about the timeline: “Once everything goes back to normal COVID-wise, what should I do?” Obviously a phone conversation is not needed.
As for young lesbians etiquette and expectations, this may vary depending on geography and micro environments like school and group of friends you hang out with.

GIRL - I had a friend back in the day that would announce that she was Bi with all the amount of casualty you’d normally reserve for things like “It’s Wednesday” or “I need a haircut,” Know what happened any time anyone showed any interest in her? “You don’t want to date me! Let me tell you about all the reasons why!” And they’d get treated to a list. And eventually she’d hit on the right/wrong one, and that person would bail. She’s being pretty socially awkward, refusing to stop talking like this, but she talks such a big talk, that if she really did intend to walk that walk, you guys would have had sex already. I’m not saying she’s not in to you at all, but she’s definitely not as into you as her words are.

DO NOT HIT ON PEOPLE WHO ARE STUCK WITH YOU!

Terrible call by Dan on this one.

Oh oh is Dan going troppo.
These are not ordinary times. If this housemate is hot then he’s probably been hit on by gay and bi men before. HELP has to use his intuition here, communicate his desire non verbally to start, ie be comfortable in his desire around this man. Then wait and see if he gets a non verbal clue back.
/ LW1, I avoided your letter on the day thread because it’s a heavy one. I feel for you and you’ve been very kind to this man, and now you have to be kind to yourself. He’s not in a good way and needs hospital care and medication. Untreated, he will go further into psychosis and might become violent. You did your best, you gave him love and care. Do what Dan says to do and hard as it might be to let such a tragic soul go, you’ve got to protect yourself. I used to work in a place supporting, trying to, psychotic people. Psychotropic medications these days are very advanced, not like the horrors of old. Good luck and take care of yourself.

CMD @37, I agree re HELP -- hence my suggestion to drop hints intended to find out his sexual orientation, etc. You'll see my initial comment was along the lines of "don't do it, but if you must do it, do some subtle investigation first." If this is a boarding house situation neither of them is paying the other one rent. (If I'm wrong, this is an abuse-of-power situation and he should definitely not suggest it.) He also never said he "senses he's not HH's type."

Again, on balance it's better he keep this as a fantasy, but if he must make a pass, I think there are possibly ways to do so where the likeliest outcome is HH takes it as a compliment and life goes on. Asking for sex, without even knowing his orientation, is not one of them. But then again, what do I know about horny young dudes in captivity. For HH this may be similar to a prison scenario and he might be open to release in any form available. If HELP can reasonably avoid HH if rejected, this indecent proposal might not be the worst thing Dan's ever advised. With another set of if's, it would be. We know very little, but HELP's friends know more, so he should heed their better informed advice.

Miclogger @45, laughing my ass off! Ima guessing you are neither queer nor female. Google "lesbian sheep syndrome." It's a wonder any women ever have sex with each other, no matter how attracted we are, since when it comes to the same sex 90% of us get shy and freeze up like GIRL's friend. Her behaviour is completely consistent with someone who wants sex but is (irrationally) afraid of being rejected. These girls are young. It took me until age 26 to have the balls to take the steps necessary to actually bang a chick. GIRL, don't listen to a straight male commenter who's had one friend who may or may not have been bi. Sure, your friend may not be serious, but it would be really mean of her to tease you like this. Is she a mean person? If not, take the plunge and ask if she'd like to fool around for real. Yes, she may say no -- but trust me, feeling a bit embarrassed is worth it when the worst outcome is she takes it as a compliment and you move on, and the best outcome is you get a girlfriend who was too shy to make the move herself.

@45 cont, the reason GIRL's friend is acting this way is probably because she's used to dealing with guys. If she were talking to a guy friend, any hint of wanting sex, no matter how jokey, would immediately lead to their jumping on her. She may well be taking the same approach with GIRL and wondering why GIRL is not taking the bait.

BDF @12, you've misinterpreted what HERP meant by "he'll keep going and going." She meant that once he gets started berating her, he will not shut up, not that he will keep having unprotected sex even if he's informed he's been exposed to an STI. An easier problem to solve: block him before he has a chance to reply.

@15. Bi. I'm under the impression that some lodging houses and boardinghouses have self-contained living accommodation--rooms with kitchenettes--but, further, communal areas to lounge in for lodgers to watch tv. I know this is dated: younger people don't have televisions (and licenses in Britain) anymore but stream Netflix on laptops. As you say, it's kitchens, showers and bathrooms that are more typically communal. (The lw says 'the house where I live in', not 'the house where I live', suggesting he may be Italian, or from some other Romance-language-speaking country where SL is syndicated. This is a characteristic Italian usage).

His friends have told him 'not to shit where he eats', not e.g. to avoid putting a subletter in a position where he thinks he has to go along with sex in order to avoid being thrown out onto the street in a pandemic. Or e.g. into a position where it's unclear whether he's trading sex for rent or not. This would tip me towards thinking the lw and the hot slacker are roommates, not something like tenant/landlord.

Maybe the slacker is slack in often being slumped in front of the tv? In expressing apathy or acting listlessly during lockdown? Always reheating ready meals in the kitchen? But here, quite possibly, Slack Guy could be depressed? Whatever--the lw will find out more if he does make a move and start a sexual relationship.

Re TIED, I would think his bf will be playfully-deliberately be tying easy-to-bust-out-of knots. As a decided bottom, this is what I would do. I would like the fantasy of the guy Samson-like popping his bonds and going on to Dom me. But the bf here is vanilla, it seems, so ... erm ... there will be a measure of projection in that remark. Of course he should show his willing partner how to tie secure knots. Sure.

As a bottom, I know very well that it's too easy to think, plaintively, 'you'll / he'll do it wrong'. It's better to anticipate, rather, that you--and he--will do it differently. Relatedly, it's easy to underestimate how topping/bottoming is something a couple does together, rather than--as in the bottom's fantasy--something the top /may/ primarily do to the bottom. So, in effect, I am joining my voice to everyone else's and urging TIED to give his bf a chance.

@46. Not Omnipotent. I thought on balance it was a good call. A bit of embarrassment waiting for turns on the stove ... that's something gay and bi guys have been dealing with since the normalisation of gay hookups for about a generation.

@17. Traffic. I don't do BDSM and am deferring on how easy it is to know how to tie a knot someone can't get out of. I don't know e.g. enough about the properties of bondage rope. As ever with Bi, I'm standing (standing? reclining and artfully drooping?) corrected.

@22. venn. Well, if TIED's bf has just said e.g., 'well, I'll do it for you', thinking it's going to be like scratching a particular spot on his back, it's not going to be as easy as that.

BDF @ 35 I did qualify my observation. If something is a VERIFIABLE fact it can not be a rumor, lie, slander or liable.

@36 ohidontknow: It seems to be true that the average woman exposed to HSV experiences a first outbreak sooner than the average man does. But to the degree you suggest ("very commonly"; "[not] even remotely as often")? So much so that it's more-or-less dispositive in LW's case?

I'm persuadable, if you have a source.

@41. Fichu. I don't know what GIRL means by saying she and her friend are 'into girls and sex'. Does it mean that they both have sex with other young women? It could mean that... but my read was more that they are both professedly gay or bi, and neither is sex-negative. It's well within the bounds of possibility for me that GIRL's friend is propositioning her. GIRL finds this hard to believe because 1) the propositions are put in a comic manner; 2) GIRL thinks her friend is so much hotter than she is; 3) it's scary and a big deal--or, alternatively, too good to be true. Something like that.

Dan's advice is right. Further, it's a happy circumstance that not all things that seem too good to be true are too good to be true.

55, Harriet-- I've reread, and you're right. The letter does clearly say that they're BOTH into girls and sex. I still think that demanding a clear yes or a clear no at this point is unfair or at least unrealistic. I'm coming from a place of remembering my own teenage and early 20's days. I'm straight, but I think a lot of my experience applies. I was interested in a lot of boys. I joked about sex a lot, but if you'd asked me if I wanted sex with a particular boy, even one I had a huge crush on, I'd have said no. I imagined a lot of situations where sex with the boy was a possibility, one where there was a date, another date, flirtation, some making out, and then maybe PIV sex. I was not prepared to go from zero to one hundred with nothing in between.

My experience with boys that age was that they were ready to go from zero to one hundred. If you asked them if they wanted sex with a particular girl, their answer would be yes. They wouldn't have to think about it or give their answer with caveats. That's what I saw in Dan's answer. He was applying a man's thinking, a plain yes or no, to a teenage girl's equivocations.

Harriet @51: "Re TIED, I would think his bf will be playfully-deliberately be tying easy-to-bust-out-of knots. As a decided bottom, this is what I would do." Interesting perspective. I have been in an (unpleasant) situation where I was topped by a bottom who demanded, without prior negotiation (or mutual sobriety), that I tie them up, confusing me because I couldn't see anything on their mattress and boxspring combo to tie them to. I did my best GGG but of course with no skill they escaped quickly, then demanded I do a better job. (!!) So my projection is that BF is trying his best to comply with TIED's fantasies but doesn't know how to make the knots inescapable. If he's deliberately sabotaging the knots so that bondage will be fun for him but not for TIED, this bottom needs a stern talking to. It's TIED's turn to be the sub!

Skeptic @53, okay, but if it's on social media the third parties reading it will not have the opportunity to verify it, and from their perspective, it is therefore a rumour that should not have been publicised. (And it's still LIBEL, not liable! You missed that entirely.)

Fichu @41/Harriet @55, it's possible both of you are right. Fichu @41, I thought your comment was insightful. The friend has said she is "into girls and sex" but they are teenagers, and teenagers can be notoriously unsure of themselves. Have either of them had any actual experience with girls and/or sex? I know at that age, I both badly wanted to have sexual experiences (with any gender) and was terrified of the idea. Fichu @41 may have completely nailed it that Friend is testing the sapphic waters with someone she finds "safe." I still think GIRL should pursue the possibility, though -- there are no regrets like the regrets over missed opportunities. I'm imagining these two reuniting sometime in their 30s, Friend saying "I tried so hard to get into your pants, but you weren't into me" and GIRL saying "OMG you were serious!?" Carpe diem, GIRL.

CMD, "While I agree that Dan’s advice wasn’t the best in this case there were many other instances in which ethics and common sense trumped erections and other sensations."
I liked Dan's advice this week, I'm not sure what you mean.

Griz, I think that Jack meant to share the honor with you this week, but idk, I just liked to see you two playing.

I think TIED may also benefit from showing bf what he likes by topping bf. Tying hands in front of bf, talking about what he is doing with the rope and why. And showing and telling bf what he likes about being tied up. But I agree Dan's advice was best.

Also re DFA, if he is having trouble getting bf out of his head.. cheat? Bf has cheated a few times so it seems like fair game for this relationship or at least you're not lying to a sincere honest partner... I don't like cheating, but it seems better than continuing a hurtful relationship if he can't change the locks or separate enough with the help of a therapist. Again I think Dan's advice is best though.

Phi @59, DFAA can't cheat if he's single.

Skeptic, I believe BDF is saying that rumors and gossip can turn out to be verifiable facts, but that spreading negative verifiable facts about people for no reason is still a shitty thing to do. Sure people use shame but it's a shitty tool so why bring it up? And you can't tell which previous sex partner you got herpes from because you can have your first outbreak years after you get the virus.

I think it is very worth noting when one person is afraid of their partner or even ex partner. That's a dangerous dynamic and she doesn't seem clear about what she is afraid of.. blackmail.. harassment.. she should find plans to deal with her fears, talk to a friend or therapist about options if she's scared. She doesn't seem like she feels confident that she can set good boundaries, that's far more important than talking to her ex.

Dear BDF, yes, best advice is change the locks and be single, or work with a therapist to separate if that's tough, or cheat if the first two don't work I think. The guy sounds like he's in bad shape, not everyone leaves when you tell them to. But maybe he'll feel bad about cheating and leave, maybe he'll remember what it's like to feel hope and happy love and leave.

Phi @62, but the guy did leave. He walked out. He said he wanted no contact with DFA. DFA is free. He should accept this gift of singleness, not create more drama by reconciling then getting revenge by cheating. On someone this unbalanced? Hasn't he suffered enough? Even if Mr DFA wasn't currently DFA's ex, cheating would be terrible advice. This is a clear DTMFA if the MF hadn't already dumped himself.

Phi @61, on balance, this post is bang on. The only thing HERP knows for sure is that she has herpes. And that she has exposed her ex to it. So even if she, the horse's mouth, were to post "Ex has herpes" that would be an unverifiable fact, ie a rumour. What would be gained in telling all of social media that -she- has herpes? Skeptic, this is such a bad suggestion on all counts, as even you yourself say, that I'm not sure why we are still debating its merits or its semantics.

BDF@57: LOL!

Harriet@52: Yeah, especially if you don't want to cut off circulation or pinch any nerves, it's tricky to tie someone up in a way they can't escape - especially if they've practiced getting out or stuff. If you don't do rockclimbing, sailing, or some other recreational knot-tying activity, you're gonna need to learn.

Honestly LW should just buy some of that tape that's specifically for tying people up. It's way easier and gets the job done.

I second the advice to HELP that he NOT proposition his house mate. There are more subtle ways to proceed. For example, start a conversation about things to look forward to in the after times, and throw in "I can't wait to have sex again. It's killing me." If the (presumably also gay) house mate doesn't engage, then drop it.

I also agree with Traffic @17 and @65: light bondage is easy peasy, but has to be learned. If only someone would invent the Internet already! Hemp or jute rope is harder to get out of than the crappy overpriced stuff they sell at sex shops. Or use mechanical restraints.

Apropos of nothing, Google "Wizard of Oz" and click on the red slippers. Then click on the tornado.

M?? Harriet - I noticed "house where I live in" as well (which I suppose Ms Muse would defend if she were here), but overall grammar is so dreadful these days I didn't think it much more significant than not knowing the difference between lose and loose (which I have a vague idea comes from Greek but have never been able to confirm any more than I've ever been able to discover the provenance of pronouncing Irene with three syllables). That may be useful.

As for the bondage question, the three most likely explanations seem to be in no particular order that A) BF4 is genuinely a novice; B) LW4 is enough of an escape artist that C-grade bondage doesn't meet his need; c) BF4 is sabotaging. Case A is the easiest fix. BF4 is offering and presumably wants to provide maintenance bondage but lacks the requisite skill. Case B is the trickiest, at least from my perspective of having played bridge with people I was dating. If LW4 hasn't the right sort of temperament for being the expert with a moderate partner, that really isn't an easy fix. If Case C is closest, I'll guess that BF4 is feeling pressure to go farther than he wants. The only jarring thing about the letter for me was the sentence [We used to fight because I wanted him to tie me up and he didn’t want to do it and now we’re fighting because he wants to tie me up and I won’t let him do it.] The "tie me up" in the first half of the sentence doesn't mean the same thing as the "tie me up" in the second half. What seems likely to do the most good might be for LW4 to convince BF4 that he accepts the difference between his FWB standard and BF4's maintenance offer, in order to convey that he is not using the lockdown to try to turn BF4 into a real bondage top. I can see a number of reasons on either side why they might not be able to get past this.

Ms Fan - It feels quite Holmesian, like the non-barking dog. I just thought of the book version of Love, Simon in which Cal, some time after a level of physical connection had been established, came out as bi and invited the outed Simon to "hang out", an invitation declined with regret, as Simon was by then exclusively into his online BF.

Ms Fichu - A possibility certainly and any error should be on the safe side, but L2 read as if the act of writing it might have led LW2 farther than she generally genuinely feels. It seems that Mr Savage, who recently has been quite ready to Believe Women without caveats, was at least open to entertaining that read as well.

Ms Phile - Blackmail did seem to come from left field. It made me wonder if LW2 were the sort of person susceptible to blackmail.

Phi @ 59
My @ 37 was in reaction to Phil @ 34. I followed the short version of both your screen names as you suggested. If there’s still doubt in the future refer to the comment number.

Aunt Zelda- I'll take it this time. While still a remote possibility I'm plotting something for if and when and good luck may be handy, if not mouthy.

CMD So sorry! And thank you for the name!

Lovely BDF, I assume that Mr DFA is going to come back with his hand out again soon. He seems to reliably ditch DFA, only to come back with more problems, and DFA seems to take him back without setting boundaries. It would be nice if Dan's advice broke the pattern, but I wanted to throw out other alternatives in case it's too hard for him to turn Mr DFA away at this time. Changing the locks and refusing to answer may work, but Mr DFA could start screaming embarrassing things, and DFA might open the door and get sucked back in. Unfortunately Mr DFA seems to reliably act out in unpredictable ways. But yes I agree it would be great if Mr DFA never darkened DFA's doorstep again but I think it's unlikely. Thanks for the name lemme know if you like something better than BDF too!

People in a psychotic state do draw you in, because of their vulnerability, unless there is violence and then you call the police. If DFA changes the locks, he’s got a defence in place. He can, with care, call thru the door and say he won’t let his ill friend in, that he needs to seek medical help.
The US health system is not like ours. Here, get a court order after outlining behaviour, police arrive and take the person to the psyche hospital. All for free.
I find this letter heartbreaking, and it comes thru in this man’s words, the care and concern.
Changing the locks is DFA saying that he won’t be joining his friend in his world anymore. It means when DFA is out he won’t come home and find friend has returned.

I agree with Dan re HERP, because if this man reacts where she then experiences fear, what choice does she have but to minimise that happening. Is it violence he threatens, as well as words. Hard one, because if it’s words and he’s not a hitter she could tell him then stand up to his bullying.

CMD @70: Details, please.

Phi @71: "He seems to reliably ditch DFA, only to come back with more problems." I didn't see that anywhere in the letter. I agree he should not take this guy back if he does return. Change the locks and be prepared to call the police, seek restraining orders, etc. But we don't know from past behaviour whether it's likely he will return. I don't agree that he should bring another innocent victim into this drama by immediately taking up with someone else, whose life the ex Mr DFA also has the power to make hell. The only new person DFA should start seeing is a shrink. (BDF is fine, makes for easy searching! I don't have much vested in the name, I just needed something quick to reply to an ancient biphobic Dan comment.)

You could be right Philo @71, that DFA might let him in. He sounds very torn in his letter. Then they talk and DFA could offer to help his friend get to see someone, if he’s willing. DFA can’t let him stay. This pattern is too destructive.

@56. Fichu. In terms of what I was concerned I might not understand in GIRL's letter, I was more exercised by the generational gap than by any supposed differences as these might pertain to gender. When I was growing up, gay crushes and feelings were things you only confessed to hesitantly, and in 'safe' contexts, with fellow gays (or people you suspected were gay or homocurious). The cities in which I had my formative gay experience with strangers or hookups were London and Los Angeles--fleshpots, you might think, but I spent hours walking back and forth in front of gay porn shops and cinemas frightened to go in. But I don't think this kind of hesitancy will inevitably obtain with young gay/bi/queer women, or teenage girls with gay inclinations, any more. It has to be the case that many girls proudly announce their SS attraction. And ... that some act on it with people outside their immediate friendship circle--but still find it uncomfortable to think they might make out, or progress to sex, with a friend or potential relationship-partner.

On balance it would seem more likely to me that GIRL hasn't had sex with a woman/girl than that she has (if this is wrong, I apologise; and it's because of the generational difference). I would think that her friend is making a joke of her propositions because she fears rejection. It's GIRL who thinks she's much less attractive; her friend doesn't necessarily think that. Dan's advice is right down the line: She should say she'd be interested in exploring a sexual interest, and then (if the comments are jokes--say, if her friend only wants to normalise the idea of SS attraction as something you can joke about) say that the joking makes her feel uncomfortable. We know that there are many gay teen soulmates who could never have sex with each other. And we also know that many lesbians start their sex lives off with happy experiences with a fellow teen.

Also very much want to echo Bi's 'Carpe Diem' @58. The worst that could happen to GIRL is that she takes seriously her friend's joke come-ons. Maybe embarrassing, but it wouldn't really be on her--and it's not so bad a 'worst', in my mind, as missing on some great sex or a wonderful relationship!

@68. venn. Christ, 'Irene' with three syllables. I don't know whether to call that ironic or accepting it irenic. Or eirenic. Kids, note the bleeding-edge reference to the current artist Morissette.

Through my work, I how how people of various nationalities, mostly European, speak English. Italians, Portuguese, Spanish and Greek people put an adverb into their object-expressions for place e.g. 'I don't have a place where to stay'. The not-shitting-where-you-eat proverb could well have originated in Italy--in its American English form?

Sweet BDF, I saw it in the way Mr DFA cheated and somehow DFA took him back and trusted him not to cheat again instead of opening the relationship for both.. every time.. In the way that Mr DFA says he'll come home if DFA admits to hearing voices and confesses to the curse.. Unreasonable conditions.. But with covid, it's harder to move on and date, people do a lot of dumb things for sex. I also brought up cheating because I recently read a story where cheating on the cheater made the person so embarrassed they successfully left the bad relationship. Maybe trying to be fair about a crappy relationship standard felt too bad? It can also be a band aid for low self esteem caused by a bad relationship, but working with a therapist would be better. Some people have trouble getting professional help about emotional problems though.

Yes Mr D @82, I’m surprised at all the wowsers on this thread, and if the housemate was a woman, she’d have probably picked up his intentions anyway.
/ Depends how HELP approaches the man. I find it strange the LW hasn’t picked up a signal, months into sharing a house. Where is HELP’s intuition here. He either doesn’t trust it or doesn’t want to accept what it’s telling him. A go to Dan phrase is ‘use your words’. Use them wisely, HELP.

@59 Philophile: I think it's great that jack decided to join us in the numbers game---at least in spirit. :)
@69: WA-HOOOO!!! Major congrats to CMDwannabe for scoring this week's Lucky @69 Award! savor the delicious glory---and, I am in agreement with fubar: more details, please! :)
Gentleman Gene Wilder, as world renowned candyman, Willy Wonka, in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971):
"The suspense is killing me. I hope it will last."

Did everyone in the PNW and Northern Hemisphere get a chance to soak in delightful springtime sun rays today? My beloved Love Beetle and I went to Larrabee State Park on Chuckanut Drive for the first picnic lunch of the warm season. Everyone keep on social distancing and stay healthy. But getting fresh air and communing with Nature is important, too.:)

@61 @64 If you got properly tested for herpes between each relationship/hookup, you can know what partner you got it from (assuming it's genital, i.e. not from sharing a water bottle, etc.).

Phi @81, yes, it is reasonable to think that the pattern that occurs when he cheats is that DFA dumps him, then he begs to be taken back and DFA agrees. But that's not necessarily the case. Someone as doormat-like as DFA may not dump a cheater who promises not to do it again. And at any rate, there's no evidence that he's ever "packed his bags and walked out" before. Maybe he has, maybe he hasn't, but either way, bringing some other poor schmuck into this situation can only make it worse, until he knows the ex Mr DFA is gone for good.

Fred @86, laughing again. No one gets "properly tested for herpes between each relationship/hookup." The standard battery of routine STI tests does not include herpes because it's so common; herpes tests are only administered if a person is high risk, for instance a sex worker, or shows symptoms or specifically requests a herpes test, which why would you if you had no symptoms? HERP has done nothing wrong here.

Hope you are ok, Dan. No Friday round up, and Thursday’s column closed to new responses.
Yes Grizelda, sun and nature help. I saw several bush turkeys lying in the sun at a local park, wings wide open to catch the sun on their bodies. I think while the humans were gone they got a bit brave as I’d never seen them do that before.

Well, Dan may have been right about health officials advising people to shit where they eat for the time being.
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/may/15/dutch-official-advice-to-single-people-find-a-sex-buddy-for-lockdown-coronavirus

@89 BiDanFan
I wish I lived in a country that wasn't too repressed for federal officials to say anything such thing. (If only I'd been able to leave when I wanted to.)

I'll note that that official Dutch advice extends to those not living in one's home (unlike Dan's un-nuanced stand on this).

/Break/
At this point in the USA we might as well do this or whatever WRT COVID, since efforts of those following public health (CDC) guidelines (which have mostly been hidden from the light of day) have occurred in the face of a nearly nonexistent epidemiologically-guided USA national response, resulting in an unmanaged (now quoting Obama) "absolute chaotic disaster" for which there is no end in sight.

A state (Wisconsin) supreme court has even struck down it's governor's public health orders, now officially giving a lie (in Wisconsin) to the important legal and political concept that https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Constitution_is_not_a_suicide_pact

@88 LG
"Thursday’s column closed to new responses."

I can't figure out what column you might mean is closed to new responses.

This week there was only a Tuesday column, and it's not closed to new responses. Neither are the Thursday columns of the previous 2 weeks. Or last week's Wednesday and Friday columns.

Thursday’s column, curious, about the mother asking if her three yr old was coming out to her, it was re posted as is from the first time posted in 2017, and those answers are up. Strange/r things goings on, hope Dan and family are ok.

@88 LavaGirl: The wildlife globally must be experiencing an odd feeling of jubilation that national parks and open spaces are closed and off-limits to people. I'll never forget the recent Stranger article with video footage of quietly grazing deer and an amazed coyote looking about at Yosemite National Park in California due to the sudden lack of people. Mount Rainier here in Washington is closed, too. Larrabee State Park near where I live is open except for its campground until further notice.

@91 LG
When I look at https://www.thestranger.com/archive/savage-love I see no "Thursday's column". Where do y'all see a Thursday column? (Have I been finding columns in the wrong place?)

@93 p.s.
If others see a Thursday column at https://www.thestranger.com/archive/savage-love I guess some glitch in the Internet is showing me an old version even when I reload. If so could someone please do me a favor and post the URL to the Thursday column so that I can be unable to Comment on it too?

OK I did find it (by scrolling https://www.thestranger.com/slog?page=2 ) at https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2017/12/01/25602604/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-did-her-three-year-old-just-come-out/comments
but /of/course/ it's Closed to Comments, the Comments are all dated 2017, it's been closed to Comments for years.

I’m on my iPhone, curious. No computer. On the SL page, down the bottom it says Blog, I click on that and it takes me to the daily threads.
Interesting question. I missed it first time round. Dan gave the LW a bit of a serve, deserved as I see it.
If I had bothered to learn how to move things around on my phone, curious, I’d get it up for you.

Yes curious, that’s what I said. It was posted as is, or as was. Being a person who focuses on human puzzles, I’m wondering what this means? No Friday roundup, Thursday a ghost thread, and other day no letter at all. Curiouser and Curiouser.
/ Back off, is what I’d advise that mother. The child is three ffs, and emotions at that age are big and expansive. Noisy too with the one I know.
I’d say, mother dear, chill. Trust she’ll sort it if you take all this “ how do I be a mother to a gay child” pressure off the story. She’ll be more likely to come to you if she needs help, support and love if she senses no judgement and no freak out.

Yes Grizelda, I’ve seen those videos too. Also the blue sky over China and LA. I can only take in so much about this horror story then I retreat to music, reading, sleeping, trees and sunshine. Cold winds around at the moment, means ocean dips are out, though one of my sons swims thru the winter and not always with a wet suit top. Then our temps here in winter are mild, being the sub tropics.

Fubar, aunt Zelda
I may have sounded too excited but really nothing to report as of yet and not likely in the near future, at least not on that front.
A person of interest renewed email contact and will be back in town in few months. I’m attempting to build up momentum.

Lava @ 83 has an interesting point. If the holy-shit-is-he-hot housemate is indeed so hot, then he must have been sensing it for years coming from both women and men and capable of identifying the vibe. That he didn’t react on it is probably a sign he is not interested or at the very least taking the you-don’t-shit approach seriously.

BDF @ 89
1. They’re Dutch.

The advice is for single people who live on their own to mate and take a calculated risk, one body at a time, with another who lives on their own (assuming the 3 people visitation limit mentioned in the article does not apply to sex.)
Live-in situations are not discussed; let alone the possible who-pays-rent-to-whom issue.

@97 LavaGirl
"I’m wondering what this means?"

It might just mean that whoever posted it this week knew how to put it where I think I found that you found it-- on Dan's author page at https://www.thestranger.com/slog/authors/259/dan-savage --but didn't know how to make it appear on the proper SL page archive link as a live thread.

Now fubar OTOH would I'm guessing think that it was done intentionally to make comments impossible. (Since fubar wrote at https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2020/05/08/43620076/accept-what-you-cannot-change-fake-british-accents-fluid-situations-reader-advice-roundup/comments/82 that in that in the previous week's last thread the "commentariat was an abusive shitshow (directed at" Dan.

However as I noted somewhere in the last week, Dan rarely feels the need to argue with people in the Comments, and since I can't imagine most of us doing that, I don't think Dan has a thin skin. (Quite the contrary, Dan's emotional strength in helping people get over being dumped is one of his qualities I admire most.)

And incidentally, while I didn't say so I didn't agree with fubar's "abusive" word choice. (Unless fubar was referring to the couple trolls whose ass Dan and the rest of us kicked very soundly.) I'm assuming "abusive" referred to the extensive discussion in the thread of the ethical principles of Dan's application of 'cheating' advice. It seems to me that nothing is more relevant for us to discuss, and this issue has been simmering for a long time. (Admittedly one theory of mine was that the more Dan's application of that advice has been questioned, the more he's doubled down on it, perhaps in response. Perhaps that does support fubar's theory.) My point here is that at any point he could have given an explanation; simply giving it would have kept the extensive discussion from ever occurring!

(Not because I expect I for one would have agreed with any explanation, but at least that there was one would have made all our speculations unnecessary. I would have simply given up questioning it long long ago had he engaged us on it.)

And I think Dan is absolutely realistic enough to realize that we could hardly participate here without being troubled by it. (Just for example, in my view the actual shitshow is advice that, for one example, would expose people's unknowing partners to STIs. What would it say of us if we were enabled that with our silence?)

In summary, I don't think Dan is thin-skinned, and I can't imagine he's bitter about us questioning very questionable things we wouldn't have had to question had he explained.

I'm guessing the poor guy is just taking a breather in a very stressful time, after giving us a ton of columns many many weeks in a row. And other stuff too: googling a bit during that particular column propted youtube to serve me a clip of Dan on Bill Maher's show. I recall being very impressed by how both articulate, intelligent, and quick on his feet Dan is in such a situation.

Curious @100: Congrats on the hunsky. May it bring you all good things, muchly deserved.

Yes, I was primarily referring to the trolls, who dominated the first chunk of the comments, with nasty and stupid stuff. As I've said, I'd just have said fuckit and taken a break. But I'm not Dan of course, and I don't think he's thin skinned. OTOH, he does spend a chunk of word count justifying and clarifying his previous advice in the roundup column, whereas I'd probably just say fuck off.

Dan on Bill Maher's show? I'm going to have to track that one down. Lately I've been seeing Bill Maher video clips wherein he tries to promote the "China Virus" nomenclature by telling a bunch of Trump-worthy lies. He's a twat.

@101 fubar
Oops, my bad for thinking it wasn't about the trolls, sorry!

Here's the recent Bill Maher clip I saw:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVfrQ0hBYPc
"Dan Savage: Love Under Lockdown"

@102 p.s.
I obviously confirmed my confession about feeling compelled to defend myself. And I myself had called the trolls abusive!

Good one, curious, on scoring @100.
Everyone is a little thin skinned except trump et all, and Dan does try to be fair in all directions. Maybe him not writing a Friday roundup, fubar, is Dan saying fuck off. Fuck off the lot of you. In Dan speak. Long as he and his are ok.

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. Let’s hope the guy isn’t prone to rages HELP and a closet bi/ homophobe.