Here goes: Iâm a 32-year-old gay male and I have trouble staying out of my head during sex. I feel like there may be many issues. The one non-issue is everything works fine on my own. When Iâm single or âavailable,â I am OK. Letâs be honest: I'm a slut and I enjoy it. But when I invest in someone, when Iâm trying to have an actual relationship, the sex suffers. With a partner I care about I feel nervous. I feel small both mentally and physically. And I worry my dick is small. Iâve measured and photographed it, so I know better, but something in me is always asking... are you really enough?
I'm currently in an open relationship with a guy Iâve known for a decade. Heâs amazing. Often Iâm hard AF just sitting there relaxing with him. But the closer we get to actually having...
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Here goes: Iâm a 32-year-old gay male and I have trouble staying out of my head during sex. I feel like there may be many issues. The one non-issue is everything works fine on my own. When Iâm single or âavailable,â I am OK. Letâs be honest: I'm a slut and I enjoy it. But when I invest in someone, when Iâm trying to have an actual relationship, the sex suffers. With a partner I care about I feel nervous. I feel small both mentally and physically. And I worry my dick is small. Iâve measured and photographed it, so I know better, but something in me is always asking... are you really enough?
I'm currently in an open relationship with a guy Iâve known for a decade. Heâs amazing. Often Iâm hard AF just sitting there relaxing with him. But the closer we get to actually having sex, the more nervous I become. I even stop breathing consistently. It's almost like I feel ashamed to want someone so much. Or something? It's frustrating because I would love nothing more than to fuck like rabbits until we were both exhausted. I love him and I want to be able to please him sexually! Our intimacy, our conversation, our connectionâeverything else is so strong. But I feel like my problem will kill any future I might have with him. He hasn't really expressed a concern but I worry. I have considered the idea of therapy but the idea of talking to some stranger about my sex life face to face is just daunting. So what do I do? My other thought is to just blindfold him and say bottoms up.
Dazed In Love
So you donât wanna talk with a therapist about your issuesâwhich touch on more than just sexâbut youâre willing to talk to me and all of my readers about them. I realize itâs a little different, DIL, as you donât have to look me in the eye while we discuss your dick. But there are therapists who specialize in helping people work through their issues around sex and theyâre usually pretty good at setting nervous new clients at ease. They have to be. So I would encourage you to have a few sessions with a sex-positive queer shrink. Talking about your dick with a stranger will be awkward at first, of course, but just like eating ass, DIL, the more you do it, the less awkward it getsâand after a few sessions, your therapist wonât be a stranger anymore. (To find a sex-positive/poly-positive sex therapist, head over to the website of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists: aasect.org.)
In the meantime, DIL, go ahead and blindfold your boyfriendâif heâs game, of course, and I canât imagine he wouldn't be. You seem to have an irrational fear of being seen. If boyfriend were to get a good look at you naked, DIL, especially if he got a good look at your dick, youâre convinced he would suddenly concludeâeven though heâs known you for a decade and is obviously into youâthat youâre not âenoughâ for him. So donât let him get a good look. Blindfold that boy.
Donât lie to him about why you want to blindfold himâtell him you feel a little insecureâbut bringing in a blindfold makes working through your insecurities into a sexy game. Being able to have sex with the boyfriend without having to worry about him sizing up your cock will free you to enjoy sex and who knows? After a few hot sex sessions with your sensory-deprived boyfriend (or a few dozen hot sessions), your confidence may get the boost it needs and you wonât feel so insecure about your cock or anything else.
And even if your dick was smallâwhich it isnât, DIL, and youâve got the measurements and photos to prove itâyou could still have great sex with your boyfriend. Guys with dicks of all sizes, even guys without dicks, can have great sex. And if youâre still nervous after blindfolding the boyfriend and worried youâll go soft, DIL, you can take the pressure off by enjoying sex acts and play that donât require you to be hard. You can bottom for him, you can blow him, you can use toys on his ass, you can sit on his face while he jacks off, etc. Thereâs a lot you can do without your dick.
Zooming out, DIL, intimacy and hot sex are often negatively correlatedâmeaning, the more intimate a relationship becomes, the less hot the sex gets. Anyone whoâs watched more than one American sitcom has heard a million jokes about this sad fact. People in sexually exclusive relationships who still want hot sex to be a part of their lives have to work at solving this problem with their partners. But if youâre in open relationship and can get sex elsewhere, well, then you can have love and intimacy and pretty good sex with your partner and adventures and novelty and crazy hot sex with other people.
Ideally, of course, a person in an open relationship wantsâand it is possible for a person in an open relationship to haveâhot sex with their committed partner as well as their other partners. But some people canât make it work, DIL. However hard they try, some people canât have uninhibited or unselfconscious sex with a long-term partner. The more invested they are in someone, the higher the stakes are, the longer theyâre together, etc., the less arousing sex is for them. Most of the people with this problemâpeople who arenât capable of having great sex with a long-long-long-term partnerâare in monogamous relationships and, judging from the jokes on sitcoms, theyâre utterly (but hilariously) miserable. Youâre not in a monogamous relationship, DIL, so if it turns out youâre incapable of having great sex with a committed partnerâif you canât manage to integrate those thingsâyou donât have to go without great sex. You can have intimacy at home and great sex elsewhere.
But itâs a double-edged sword, DIL, because if you can get hot sex elsewhere, you may not be motivated to do the work requiredâto talk that shrink, to get that blindfold, to work through those issuesâthat would make it possible for you to have great sex with your partner and others.
I've been with my boyfriend for three years. I'm a 27-year-old woman and this was my first "real" relationship. Before I met my boyfriend, I would have considered myself a steady dick-jumper. I went flitting from guy to guy. On paper, our relationship seemed great. He tries to make sure I have what I need, whether itâs a meal, a TV show, a record to play. He is stable and affectionate; most of all, he wanted to be with me. But he's boring. When I talk to him, I want to be somewhere, anywhere else. The more I tried to engage with him, the more obvious our lack of any deep connection seemed. He is stoic and un-emotional whereas I cry during car commercials. Iâm desperately seeking an emotional equal. Every day I go back and forth between loving where we are and wanting to run the fuck away. I have a tendency to do the latterâwith guys, friends, jobsâso I don't know what I REALLY want. But I feel so incredibly unfulfilled. We have a lackluster sex life and I feel more like his roommate the past year than his girlfriend. I want to be inspired by my partner. My question is... actually, I'm not really sure I have a question.
First Relationship Fizzle
Since you didnât ask a question, FRF, I guess you donât require an answer. So Iâll make an observation instead: you repeatedly refer to this relationship in the past tense. (ââŚthis was my first ârealâ relationship,â ââŚour relationship seemed great,â ââŚthe more I tried.â) So you obviously know what you need to do. Your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend sounds like a good guy, FRF, and you donât want to hurt him, which makes dumping him harder. But if heâs not the right guy for you, FRF, youâre not the right woman for him. Go back to flittingâand who knows? Maybe one day youâll jump on a dick thatâs attached to a guy you who inspires you. Or maybe you donât want one guyâforever or for long. Some people are happier flitting than settling.
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