Great advice from Dan to LW2. I gave the almost exact same advice as Dan to an acquaintance and once he got over the "paying for it diminishes the sincerity of the relationship" stigma (WTF?), AND the sex worker told him there was no chance in hell it could ever develop into something more it appears after a few years of "therapy" there is a chance in hell and they are an item (WTF x 2!)...

My acquaintance was a 45 year old former evangelical who was going to "save it" for marriage. Having been in the evangelical world I could understand, but got out in my early twenties fairly unscathed..

VR porn is great but it really isn't THAT different from regular porn. So.. you know.. just try that first.

Froth!

She's retired now, but I have a friend who used to be a sex worker and who specialized in older men, men with erectile difficulties, and men with insecurities. She advertised "the girlfriend experience," but I think she was more like Clara Barton who fucked (though she wasn't a sexual surrogate). It made her very happy to be able to help men who otherwise would have had a difficult time reach sexual satisfaction. She never got into a romantic relationship with any of her clients, but she had regular steady clients she saw for years; one guy twice a week, one guy about once a week, one older man once or twice a month, and the rest more intermittently.

I have no idea how one would go about finding a sex worker like that now that sites like My Red Book have been shut down, but I would not write off engaging a professional sex worker so quickly as someone who didn't want to be there.

@1 & @2 TurbosDad: WA-HOOOOOOOO!!!! Big congrats on scoring the highly sought after FIRDT Award, along with the close SECNOD honors! Well done, and bask in the glory of leading this week's Savage Love comment thread. :)
@3 WA-HOOOOOOO!!! Congrats, jack chandelier, on scoring this week's THIRDT Award honors. See---it really IS fun, isn't it? :)

Griz Update: Auntie Griz is well on the mend. No orthopedic surgery needed on my right shoulder cuff, just physical therapy. More good news from my primary MD and naturopath from the blood tests and recent visits. But I'll still have to take things easy after my hysterectomy. No more progesterone. Oh the joys of approaching 56----wheee! Griz--with help from Sissy Spacek (Carrie, from 1976), is wasting the prom and you're all cordially invited to cheer us on! :)

Okay---back to Unplugged.......

@4 nocutename: WA-HOOOOOOO!!!! Big congrats on scoring FROTH honors! Well done! :)

@6: I'd bask in SITH glory, but George Lucas and his lawyers would probably come after Griz legally......sigh.

For LW1: too much shower play time could be an issue, but there is another potential issue Dan failed to mention: you are 50 years old. Things often start working differently around that age.

Masturbation frequency is a tricky, possibly under-discussed issue for older guys in relationships. Too much can certainly cause trouble with the partner. On the other hand, too little can cause some problems too— sometimes you just want to be able to focus fully on work for the day or whatever. And if sex is happening irregularly, you have to make a guess how likely it is that your partner will be interested that night.

Maybe viagra can fix these issues? Would be interested to hear perspectives of others.

firth of fifth (x2)

Nr Savage seems more or less on target for the first letter, but I am happy to defer to Mx Wanna.

I'd say very good official advice in all cases this week. Some additional personal observations:
SUBHUB- I hope you will follow through on Dan’s advice as I assume you promised your wife you will. As pointed out, your wife is indeed your first priority here.
joeburner2 @ 9 remarks re turning 50 may bring a need to budget your ejaculations. That said, twice a week with the wife seems quite reasonable to me, still allowing you some alone time as well.

VIRGIN
As someone who talked to few sex providers, both as a client as well as a casual converser, I second nocute @ 5.
Do your research, present your case ahead of time, communicate during and after. If an encounter doesn’t work for you don’t let it be the end of it, give it another try with someone else.

VRPORN
I’m reminded of that famous Playboy magazine interview with Jimmy Carter back in 1976. When asked if he ever cheated on his wife, future prez said he never did, though went on to admitting that the idea did cross his mind few times.
I never had any goggles on nor watched porn in any other format during sex, though I did fantasize on others and had some scenarios going on in my head while doing the hokey pokey with real humans. I suspect everyone does.
I’m glad you and your wife are enjoying the technological advantages that Jimmy, and myself, could only dream of, let alone incorporate the act with a loving partner.

@10 WA-HOOOOOOOOO!!!! Congrats, CMDwannabe, on scoring TENDTH honors! Very clever use of firth of fifth (x 2). Bask in the Double Fiver. :)

It wasn't clear whether SUBHUB can't come in his wife or won't come in his wife. If it's the latter, the solution is obvious. Dude, she doesn't necessarily want to be pumped all night with no conclusion. What's the point of continuing when she's ready to be finished? As Dan says, if she's truly in charge, she gets to tell you when and how to come and you don't get to withhold that. If it's the former, try replicating the conditions under which you used to be able to come during PIV with her. If you agree the toys are, or might be, causing a distraction, ditch the toys once in a while. Or perhaps it's the other way round and a vibrating butt plug during sex could get you the result she wants. If you try going easy on the toys and this is still a problem, talk to your doctor. At your age this could be a sign of prostate trouble.

The phrase "don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good" came to mind when I was reading VIRGIN's letter. He doesn't want a sex worker because he wants a fully realised relationship. I would venture that most of the people who see sex workers want fully realised relationships. But at the moment, they don't have them. If women are holding his lack of experience against him, experience with sex workers can't really make things worse, can it? Go pay a Ms Right Now or a few to give you that experience you feel will boost your confidence, while simultaneously joining a site like EHarmony where you can put your full self forward.

(I wonder if Dan's answer to VIRGIN, which did not include warnings about Covid, means the lockdown is well and truly over? Hmm.)

Thanks to the commenters who've reminded us that sex workers are human beings, capable of being kind to their customers in a way that VIRGIN has not yet experienced.

Great image, Joe. Thanks for the smile. Hard come by at the moment.
LW1, Dan is spot on with his answer. Your wife shouldn’t have had to ask twice, and here we are with Dan brought into it.
Hearing a man come inside is a very satisfying experience.. so now, go give it to her.

Nocute and CMD are on fire with the numbers this week.

I also suspected, along with Bi @14, that SUBHUB might be anorgasmic. Dan (whose advice was bang-on, however) made the presumption that he came with the dildos up his ass--which isn't something he says in his letter. The sense in which he's in a FLM relationship, moreover, isn't clear to me. (It seems a label that suits his convenience much more than--when we're talking about sex--his wife's). She isn't leading the relationship, or he isn't letting her, when it comes to sex. If she asks him to come inside her, he should. If she hints he should ditch the probes, then he should, as well--if he's in a FLR. It should be gratifying to him to do so. And his wife doesn't even seem to be present when he sticks his toys up his ass.

Why not try to negotiate e.g. one session of your wife inserting the toys for four sessions of your coming to ejaculation?

I don't dissent from the view that VIRGIN should find a sex worker.

He should also practise self-loving confidence, in dating (as far as he can) as well as in presenting himself more generally.

His past gf ('offended' by his 'inexperience'), as he portrays her, is an asshole. He has no sexual experience, but another way of looking at it (for both him and any potential partner) is that he's had no bad experience. Rather than looking at things in terms of his being desperate to lose his cherry and get laid, maybe he could see them as his being ready to do all he can to please a woman. Confidence comes from confidence. Right now he can't say, 'I find you very attractive right now' or 'I'd really like to kiss you'. But he has women who 'think the world of him', which he didn't before; and I'd feel he really has to get in the headspace of making that kind of enthusiastic (but no-big-deal) overture to someone with whom he's developed a decent friendship.

Harriet @17: "His past gf ('offended' by his 'inexperience'), as he portrays her, is an asshole." Yes, this. She is also not indicative of women as a group. Some women may be uneasy with a man who lacks experience, but a decent person will either do their best to accept it and work with it or decide it is a dealbreaker and move on. VIRGIN should not use this bad experience to hide his true self from future partners, whether paid or unpaid. Also, I agree that confidence does not come from experience. He should de-link these two things in his mind. VIRGIN, as Harriet says, do you respect women? Are you ready to let her lead you, are you ready to treat her well? Do you have a great personality, are you a good cook, do you have fun hobbies? Then you have plenty to offer. Bearing that in mind will give you confidence.

Also, the women who "think the world of him but aren't in a position to help him"? You mean they aren't in a position to have sex with you, but that doesn't mean they're not in a position to help. Do they have friends they could introduce you to? Could they help you craft an online profile? Could they even roleplay dates with you? Ask them!

One other tip for VIRGIN: If he goes the sex worker route, he may want to keep that to himself in discussions with future potential partners, at least early in the relationship. He could say he has had some casual partners but no romantic relationships. Many women, even those who support sex work as a concept, take a dim view of men who patronise sex workers. I'd file this under none of her business, at least until such time as he feels he finds a "keeper" who won't judge.

I'm 54, and I hardly ever come from topping. I need the right angle, the right level of tightness, etc. It didn't use to be like that, but my dick developed its own set of preferences as I aged. It has nothing to do with me wanting or not to come. This is a widespread phenomenon among my sex partners, and I'm rather surprised Dan didn't even broach this possibility.

Happy @20: "Your partner is going to chafe at the lack of attention to her needs as a human being while you fumble around and focus on learning your body and your own needs."

So he shouldn't make the mistake of paying attention to his needs instead of hers. Obvious, right? I've had a few inexperienced partners and you know what, they weren't terrible. VIRGIN may be holding back because he fears he'll be bad at sex, but experience isn't the key to being good at sex. Enthusiasm and being willing to ask your partner what they like, and do that, are what make someone good at sex, and experience is not necessary for this. As Harriet says, he has no experience in doing it wrong, which he could choose to see as an advantage. He's not a self-centered 20-year-old so there's no need for him to approach sex as if he were one. Make her the priority, then they can focus on his needs.

l-dub 1, you didn't make it clear if you were coming in the shower or not. what does 'continuing' mean? does it mean that you an continue to have sex with your wife? or does it mean that you can continue to get off on your own? i'm not sure that i agree w/ dan's conclusion jump, but you are being evasive, and that doesn't generate trust.

ultimately, the question you asked is one that only you can answer. are you saving your orgasms/ejaculations for the shower w/ your dildos and butt plugs? your wife thinks you are. and wouldn't you know? how the fuck can you not know if you are saving your orgasms for the shower? or are you even orgasming/ejaculating at all? wtf, l-dub?

I haven't commented in a while but figured I'd chime in since I have experience with a few of the topics here.

VR Porn: I have kind of a mid-range vr headset. It works really well but is limited by the screen resolution of my phone and the crappy streaming resolution. I've watched a fair amount of VR porn well FREE VR Porn and the quality is pretty low. I don't know if there are paid for services that are better but I assume they might be. It is a pretty interesting experience since it is far more engaging that regular 2d porn. That ability to put you into a scene is pretty cool especially if your preferences run to the more unusual. However a vast majority of the content is pretty vanilla hetero male oriented stuff. Content creators just haven't worked their way into the more niche markets I guess.

Over 50 orgasm capacity (SUBHUB): I know it wasn't really the point of the letter but PIV twice a week really doesn't seem like it should be straining his abilities to keep up and Dan's assessment seems right on (waiting to wank in the shower). What I wanted to add is this; I found that the addition of viagra ( as a more recreational drug ) really helped me have greater orgasmic capacity. It took some time to build up the ability, but being able to get and stay hard after the first round made that possible. I know it is just anecdotal, but a few years ago I was a once a day guy, not always but mostly. Then I started dating the gal I'm with now and she has a MUCH higher sex drive than anyone I've known. She is perfectly happy to stay in bed all day. Faced with this new reality/opportunity I figured I should do a little "training" to keep up. Viagra was a big part of that. I now have a much greater capacity for orgasms, after a few rounds there isn't much semen left but the orgasms still happen. Also cock rings are a pretty great inexpensive tool for getting and staying hard.

Harriet @17: 'offended' by his 'inexperience' could also mean 'exasperated' by his 'ineptitude'. I don't think there's enough written about the past gf to draw a conclusion. Either way, Dan's advice is right on.

Referring to a sex worker as a 'prostitute' seems odd. I'd caution VIRGIN to check his attitude before approaching a sex worker.

BiDanFan @14, I think the only way the letter makes sense is if he can’t, not won’t. His wife thinks the shower playtime is “distracting” him. That is plausible, if by “distracting” we understand “depleting”. If she is really worried he is to distracted, then I think she is taking it too personally. The reason he can’t come is not because he is thinking about his toys instead of her.

As you suggest, it wouldn’t hurt to see a doctor. As Ricardo points out though, fickleness is to be expected at his age.

I am 47, and... changing. Sigh. Everything works fine, but not as reliably, and orgasms are a bit of a crap shoot. My wife, like LW’s, suspects I am “distracted” by something, but I am 90% sure it’s mechanical. Just saw a doctor, and may be about to enter brave new pharmaceutical world.

Thanks for sharing, Coolie. Gives me some hope!

Whenever someone claims they can't find anyone, either for casual play or an actual relationship, given all the different dating apps now I immediately wonder if they're aiming for people who are out of their league. To be blunt, the vast majority of experienced, confident, and conventionally attractive women won't be interested in someone who lacks those things. I'd suggest the last LW look for women are also less experienced, lack some confidence themselves, etc. People who share some of his issues are going to be more open to giving him a chance, imo.

I like happyhedonist's take @20. Rather than viewing engaging the services of a sex worker as settling for someone who doesn't care about him to have sex with (at least initially), VIRGIN might want to consider hiring a professional as a way to do some learning and catching up with the sexual, mechanical, physical side of things, and then he can enter the world of dating with greater confidence, which is attractive. He has honed his interpersonal skills, (he's "gotten much better over the years and the women who know me think the world of" him); now he can work on developing some sexual skills.

Working the a professional sex worker, he can get to know better his own responses to different positions, and to receiving blow jobs. Some sex workers may include cunnilingus on the list of offerings, and if so, he would get a chance to practice developing oral skills, as well.
I recommend he view this as taking a class. But I also think he should find a sex worker that he can develop a rapport with and see her regularly for a few months if he can afford it. This gives him a chance to learn to relax more about sex.

Griz, can you give it a rest? Your obsession with the first few comments is getting more and more tedious. Just comment on the letter like a normal person.

@29 Traffic
One:
People like it.
Two:
Why don't you just skip reading it?

@griz
Why not use that avatar I made you so we'll all know which are your comments so we can all enjoy them. I'll be happy to make any regular an avatar, and to coach them on where to enable it.

LW1says, about him not coming in his wife, “ I like it this way, so I can continue,” doesn’t sound like he has an organic issue.
Traffic @29, I do hope all realise that ribbons only get sent out for the first three comments. Normal left a while ago, haven’t you noticed?

I sense resentment in LW1’s letter; his wife is conventional. Sounds like she’s not into his toy play and not coming in her is his way of showing he’s really not sexually happy, despite the two times weekly PIV. And tacked in there is the mention of children.
LW1, hard one when you’ve given your power over, or you’ve pretended to. If you unhappy with your restricted sex life with your wife, ask if she could try to overcome her resistance and play with you and your sex toys.

Aha, “ I love my wife but I also love my dildos and butt plugs.” I remember a grammar comment of yours nocute, years back, about the use of ‘but.’ That the second phrase deletes the first one. That’s how I took it to mean, and I’ve been careful with my buts every since.
Issues here, and both in the marriage need to address them.

I spent some time trawling the FLR world a few (10 or 12) years ago. The subculture is replete with men who desire to be dominated (because it titillates them) but have no interest in the nuts and bolts of what a D/s relationship actually looks like and how one works in real life. LW1 is consistent with the majority in my experience) of the participants and players. It becomes very much a topping-from-the-bottom thing and these horndog guys basically foist this new lifestyle on their poor, GGG wives, "no, its all for you honey! i shaved my pubic hair so i could gain a visual inch....for you! Now excuse me while I go jerk off in the shower but eh, yeah i'm your slave or whatever"

Lava @31, I agree. It may be a bit of column A and a bit of column B. As he ages, he finds he doesn't always come during PIV, and thinks, hey great, this means I can masturbate later. Agree that we don't know whether "continue" means "keep having PIV for a long time" or "tire my wife out then go have fun in the shower with my butt toys." Either way, he needs a bitch slap. In a FLR, your wife's desires matter, yours don't -- even if her desires are for vanilla sex. Stop saving yourself for your toys, who don't care whether you come or not, or incorporate them into the PIV so that everybody's happy.

Confidence comes with experience? Not necessarily. You can become confident in a subject by studying (as opposed to practicing). You can fake it 'till you make it, i.e. act confident for a while until you become a little more confident. You can acknowledge that no one is truly confident in a new sexual relationship. Everyone is a bit shaky at first-- and some of remain doubtful long into a relationship. That's part of the charm. This getting naked and is scary stuff. It's okay to feel vulnerable.

Yes to hiring a sensitive sex worker. Other things you might try. Get a professional non-sexual massage. A good sex worker might start here too, just with rubbing and getting you used to be touched in a non-sexual way. I am NOT suggesting that you hire a massage therapist and then try to turn that therapist into a sex worker. That is a bad thing to do. I am suggesting that if you're feeling as much anxiety as you describe, massage is a good way to get practice in being naked and touched. Baby steps. When learning a new skill, give yourself credit for baby steps.

Also, have you considered explaining your situation in a personal ad? You could say that you're not outgoing, that you're a 50 year old virgin, and that you've been dealing with depression and anxiety. Say that you're seeking a lady who's similarly inexperienced for lots of missteps and embarrassing moments while you get to know each other.

M? Donist should be a motivational speaker. "The first dozen" relationships? I'll take the under on that one, but it was most convincingly framed.
xxx
Mr Ricardo - I retired from all that sort of carry-on before running into it myself. Well pointed out.

@33 (LavaGirl): Thanks, LavaGirl, I'm glad something I said stuck and made sense . Indeed SUBHUB prefers his dildos and butt plugs and solo shower time to actually making his wife happy. Not only does the "but" in that sentence suggest that, but everything else in the letter suggests that SUBHUB is extremely selfish.

@34 (aftetheafter): This sounds like a good assessment of the situation. The phrase, "topping from the bottom" occurred to me, too, but your analysis is even more compelling.

So SUBHUB says that they have PIV sex twice a week. He's 50. I assume he's good for at least 3 orgasms per week (I had a boyfriend, who at 55 was still masturbating to orgasm at least twice every day and had sex with me to completion more than once per day on the days (approx. 3 per week) we saw each other; I had another boyfriend who had a harder time reaching orgasm, but was good for several over a 24-hour period at age 54), if not more. Why don't he and his wife (who's supposedly in charge of his sexuality, as well as other aspects of their relationship) agree on his coming in her (he can have a toy in his ass during PIV, too) the two times a week they have PIV sex, and he is free to help himself to all the dildo-in-the-shower orgasms he wants in addition to those two?

This seems like an easy solution.

The fact that he doesn't even seem to consider it suggests he doesn't care at all about what his wife likes or wants. This is reinforced by the fact that he says, "A few years ago I introduced the idea of a FLR—female led relationship—to my wife and she accepted it." "She accepted it," doesn't sound like this relationship model is something the wife wanted--rather odd, considering it's supposed to be female-led.

curious2 @30 - 1.) When you say "people like it," you mean "the half-dozen people that still want to comment like it." Others have previously asked her to stop, and for good reason.
Shit like this turns an interesting online community into a circle-jerk of annoying in-jokes that no one else wants to participate in, other than the tiny in-group.

2.) It's not like I have the option to block all her posts, is it? I mean, if I could, I would, but I can't so...

I think SUBHUB should be more invested in this relationship, as others have also pointed out. He needs to earn his play alone time as opposed to not following through on what seems like a very reasonable request/demand from the wife. Sending us the question is another indication, though it could still be a learning experience if Dan’s and others’ advice are taken seriously and implemented.

His attitude adjustment should a go beyond the bedroom. As all good relationships go there should a fair share of household and childcare done by all. In this dynamic SUBHUB should go way beyond the call of duty and not ask/nag for anything in return. He should be always on his toes, responsive, showing the wife time after time how he adores her and at her service, be it doing the dishes after almost every dinner, interact with the kids before bedtime, offering tea refill while she’s watching tv, and cleaning the toilet on weekends.

Bedroom wise, I think that by telling us she’s vanilla was his way to justify his need to play with butt toys, in a way saying, “she won’t peg me.” Again, this is something he needs to earn and maybe she will in the future.

My sense is that for this relationship to move on as FLR, especially as a married couple, the environment should be stricter and better defined, at least at this point. Whether any one of them is willing to go that way is a different question they should figure out.

A possible good start to may stem from the question at hand. Subby hubby should do in bed as wife says. No excuses.
I’m not sure if a chastity device will work for both under the current circumstances, but if they agree and he admits his error for questioning her request for him to come inside her then it will be a D/s way to ensure he keeps his loads for her, and she is the one deciding whether he deserves alone play time or not.

One of these days SUBHUB, one of your kids will be snooping around and find those butt plugs and dildos, then what will you do?

raindrop- while details depending on the child's age, I'd respond by telling them something along the line that these sex toys that give me pleasure.
Your constant attempts to shame others due to your own hang ups look quite pathetic, especially here on SL threads.

@41 Dadddy
"The idea behind these efforts is that a woman can't consent to sex if she's offered money. Apparently, most of the US agrees."

Wait; the US Congress opposes a great many things US citizens don't.

"52 percent of American adults support decriminalizing prostitution, with replies equally split between "strongly support" and "somewhat support." Just 35 percent were opposed, with 13 percent unsure."
https://reason.com/2020/02/06/what-americans-think-about-prostitution-laws/

@43: No shaming, it's a practical and realistic question - after all, you provided your opinion on what you'd do.

Unlike porn, sex toys don't have the convenience and security of being digital.

@29 & @39 Traffic Spiral: Can you please take a chill? While other commenters--even jack chandelier--- have sarcastically joked about going so far as to honor the second and third comments, I thought --at least this week, anyway----that THIRDT, FROTH, SITH, etc., added some spice. As for FIRDT, @1 was originated long ago by a commenter apparently SO excited about making the first comment that he / she posted ecstatically FIRDT! The typo became satirized, and has since become part of the numbers game.
Again with heartfelt feeling, Traffic Spiral: if you don't want to participate in the numbers game you, Dan, and everyone else commenting DON'T HAVE TO PLAY.
Simply skip over numbers @1, @2, @3, @4, @69, 100, and from there any number ending in 69 or 00. Go outside, get some sunshine, take some deep breaths, and enjoy your favorite chilled beverage, already.
@30 curious2: Thank you for your comment and suggestions. What avatar are you talking about? Was there a link?

That said, who's game for the Lucky @69? Tick...tick...tick...

@29 & @39 Traffic Spiral: By the way, whatever gave you the impression that I was a normal person?

Raindrop @ 45
It doesn’t look that way, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and an opportunity to save face.
In any case I’d very much rather my child/grandchild finding sex toys, which I own, as opposed to a gun, which admittedly I don’t.

Griz, not being "normal" is one thing, but being "LOL, so random" annoying without any actual humor and just burning a wasn't-that-funny-to-begin-with joke into the goddamn ground is another thing. You're doing the latter. I get that you're having a tough time with your medical shit, but there has to be a better coping mechanism than this.

But I guess if you're determined to keep it up I can't stop you, and cutting out a website will only help my productivity, so I might as well leave you to it. Have fun, and maybe check out the anime fandoms - you can probably find somewhere that still likes that 'Kawaii Weeaboo' stuff. Is Gaia Online still up? You should join if they are.

@46 griz
"What avatar are you talking about? Was there a link?"

Yes, please see https://www.thestranger.com/savage-love/2019/11/05/41892410/savage-love/comments/145 where I presented you with the avatar you requested.

@49 traffic
"cutting out a website will only help my productivity"

So you need to leave entirely because you can't just skip comments by commenters when you wish you could (you@39) "block all her posts". (Thank goodness I can! Though whenever possible I refrain from announcing it to the commenter.) What's the deal, do you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder or something (which compels you to read every word)?

@49 Traffic Spiral: ....and yet you're still here ranting, aren't you? What do you enjoy doing? I love movies. Comics. Reading horoscopes.Games and puzzles. Game shows. SNL. I'm getting quite good at solving crosswords, lately. Music, VWs, cats, red wine, laughter, and the good people in my life are some of the best forms of medicine for me. I'm not really into anime or fandoms.
As for my comments--if you're so annoyed, ignore them. Do you have a mouse? Do you know how to scroll down? Are you 14 years old and mad that your mom won't let you leave the house?

Well, at least we're getting closer to hitting the Lucky @69 at any rate....

Team Griz. There is plenty of room here for frivolity. We are commenting on a sex advice column, not testifying at The Hague.

Venn @37, agree! I was using a very loose interpretation of the word "relationship" there. But yeah, a dozen is (apparently!) more partners than the average person has in their life, so even if this late bloomer includes the sex workers in his "number," he may not get to a dozen before he retires. That did give me a laugh.

Nocute @38, another thing that jumped out on me, which may or may not be phrasing, is that he said they have PIV sex twice a week. That seems strangely specific. Not "about twice a week," just "twice a week." Do they have established date nights on Wednesdays and Saturdays or something? Is this schedule the result of some compromise? Also, "we have PIV sex twice a week," not "we have sex twice a week." Most, but not all, hetero sex includes PIV; again, is there some sort of agreement that on exactly two occasions per week they will have sex that requires his dick in her vagina, rather than mixing it up with occasional non-PIV sex?

Traffic @39, multiple people like it, other people don't like it, people have complained about it but others willingly participate. Do you think this week's first four commenters are Grizelda's aliases? Some of the folks on this board think this is a fun game. Like you said, a few people have said they don't like it, yet it continues, so your only options would appear to be to grin and bear it or to go read some other comments section. Or spend your time doing something you enjoy, such as torturing someone who slept with your ex?

CMD @40, great post. Gold star! Hope SUBHUB is reading.

Griz @46-@47: BURN! Good on ya for standing up to the haters.

Raindrop @42/@45, you did come across as judgey and shaming, as usual. I'm sure most kinksters with children are capable of knowing they should lock their toy collections away so children cannot find them. Oh, and you don't use sex toys, you only use porn, which no child EVER has come across accidentally-on-purpose? Eye roll, dude. CMD's opinion was phrased in the form of advice, yours in the form of trolling, the only form you seem to be familiar with.

So Traffic's taking her ball and going home, then? What a shame. Happy Thursday everyone, nearly the weekend, whatever that means in the lockdown age.

@18. Bi. Yes to everything you say--about VIRGIN's asking his female friends to look out for him, to offer support, even if none of them are in a position to pity-fuck him. (And actually, if some of them care as much as he makes out, and he's been able to tell them about his sexual frustrations, one probably would pity-fuck him).

I think his problem has to be anxiety. He's wanted to have sex for about forty years, one would have to surmise, and he hasn't. He hasn't habitually been able to say--to a friend he's found attractive, e.g. 'I feel we've grown close', 'I find you very attractive'; and when he was in a relationship, it was with the wrong person, and it didn't lead to sex. I'd guess he feels he can't; that sex isn't for him. This kind of internalised sense of incapacity can be difficult to overcome--until someone overcomes it. VIRGIN has been able to write to Dan, and this may well be a major step. Perhaps the next is telling his close female friends he's a virgin, if he hasn't already.

He shouldn't think sex is something he will do, secure, attain, entirely by himself--rather than his being led by a willing partner, as you say--nor that having the confidence to be sexually attractive, to get jiggy, is unlike any other form of confidence that might be threatened by his anxiety (the confidence to move house, to ask for a raise at work, to address difficulties in a friendship, say). It would be good, too, if he could rid himself of any sense of shame around sex or sexlessness. Why hasn't he, sometime in his life, seen a sex worker? Presumably because it would be shameful, because it would connote failure. But there's nothing shameful in going to see a sex worker. A fair-minded and caring partner, e.g, one he met six months after he first went to a sex worker, on being told his story, would accept his reasons for visiting a sex worker.

CMD @40, very good catch that there is an underlying implication of "my wife refuses to peg me" in this letter, which means all his butt play is solo, which could well be why he's punishing her by withholding his orgasms so that she won't get what she wants out of sex either.

Harriet @55, I took "none are in a position to help" as including an implication that all are in relationships, therefore not available for a pity fuck even if they were so inclined. (Personally, I would not relish the idea of handing out pity fucks even to friends I thought were great people. Ick. Doesn't mean I don't care about them, just means I want to be attracted to everyone I have sex with, which I think is a view shared by most women. Also, they may fear an pity fuck will lead him to catch feelings they can't return, thereby ruining their friendship. I think you need to set aside this idea of pity fucks being something he can reasonably expect from his female friends.)

I agree he probably views seeing a sex worker as shameful, which is why he hasn't done it yet. I also think the majority of women in his potential dating pool will see it this way, and it's not as if he can afford to weed out anyone at this stage, is it? It's all well and good to say that a woman who wouldn't sympathise with his seeing a sex worker isn't worth dating anyway, but this guy's choices are narrow enough that he'd be better not narrowing them further by scaring off women who don't understand legitimate reasons to pay for sex.

@20. happyhedonist. I agree with your broad advice--see a sex worker. But why couldn't VIRGIN attend to his lover's human needs? He could just ask, 'am I doing it right?'. And you say that it will take a dozen relationships for him to work out what's satisfying for him having sex... Do you think he'll have a dozen relationships in his life? Starting at 53? Maybe--but there would have to be a sea-change in how he dates, and possibly on whether he's anxious and depressed. The kind of question he should be asking himself is more, 'would I be happier remaining a virgin for the rest of my life, or would I prefer seeing a sex worker once a month? Should I start budgeting for that?'. Perhaps he will change a lot, but perhaps those are his options.

@25. fubar. If his ex knew he was inexperienced, she would know he was technically unskilled and likely to be clumsy. There isn't really a question of ineptitude there, if 'ineptitude' implies studied or willful incompetence--just of not getting the right guidance.

Re the terms 'prostitute' and 'sex worker', I think this guy has no idea of how sex-positive people talk and think about sex. 'Sex workers are workers; sex workers are skilled professionals; within the confines of professional relationship, sex workers can have caring relationships with their clients, like therapists or bartenders; there is nothing shameful about seeing a sex worker; there is nothing shameful in mindful celibacy or virginity; asexuality is a sexual 'orientation'; partnered sex is something two people (at least) enter into with roughly equal enthusiasm'. These aren't his instinctive ways of thinking sex. But they can become so.

Further to @56, if he is dating someone and she asks if he has ever seen a sex worker, he is of course obligated to answer honestly. And yes, in an ideal world he'd find someone who wouldn't judge him. But the world is far from ideal and the truth is many would judge. He should use his own judgement on whether to reveal to an established partner that he has seen sex workers in the past. And of course he should not see them concurrently with having any sexual relationships with "civilians," and should follow the standard safer sex advice of using condoms and getting tested before embarking on a fluid-bonded monogamous relationship.

@56. Bi. Yes--he cannot 'reasonably expect' pity-fucks of his female friends. They might well feel the sex would warp the friendship. Then again, if it's written into the friendships that they're in relationships, or are sexually functioning adults, and that he's not, or rather that he's never had partnered sex--and it might be a pretty fundamental thing about anyone--they would already be assuming a position de haut en bas, as it were, towards him in respect of the friendships. They're in pity-friendships, even if pity-fucks are off the table.

I don't think he's likely to catch feelings off his first-time sex. He understands it as finding out what it's like. I thought nocute's suggestion @28 excellent. VIRGIN could think of taking a time-limited 'course' in mechanics of sex. As to whether he should be open about possible visits to a sex worker, I agree with you that he should be guided by contextually prudential considerations.

Yes to all of @59.

Incidentally, I have offered 'first-time ass', including for reasons of pity, on numerous occasions throughout my life. At nightclubs and bathhouses, I imagined I was the happy gateway to newcomers to the scene. (In retrospect, I'm sure that I was fucked by some old roues affecting ignorance of anal because they were publicly heterosexual, with wives, cars, children, etc.). Even more recently, I put out, in principle, to a guy from a scene (in a dungeon) who said he hadn't done it because he'd feared it was homosexual (and this was someone with the confidence to go with his wife to a dungeon with many people of non-normative sexualities, gender identities, relationship styles and styles of inhabiting their body...). He actually turned me down (as did many of the others). My motivations have spanned a wide range: pity; desire to help, even in the most impersonal way; a desire to destigmatise anal or homosexuality; a desire to show it's no big deal (not more so than sucking); exasperation with someone that they haven't done it already; being vaguely GGG; pride in having such a skilled butt, and the belief that I could make it an experience to repeat for the guy; boredom; my own desire for the specific person; curiosity; the willingness to fuck anyone, rather than go home unfucked. And others.

But I don't think this is the world of het dating, even hookups.

Harriet @60: "I don't think he's likely to catch feelings off his first-time sex."
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh my, that's even funnier than "his first dozen relationships." Show of hands, who here caught feelings big time for their first sexual partner? Raises hand.

And the hypothetical friend who would be offering this first-time sex is already a friend. I think any fear she would have that sex would round his friendship feelings up to the L-word, or at least the infatuation word, is very well founded.

Not sure what I make of your theory that a friendship with a sexually inexperienced person by definition involves pity. The friend may pity his inexperience, but I would not think they are only befriending him out of pity, as you imply. I think it's likelier that they do "think the world of him," as he reports, though they may feel sorry for him in this one aspect of his life, just as one might feel pity towards, say, a friend with a disability, or one going through a messy divorce.

And you're absolutely correct that pity sex like you describe @61 is not a thing in the hetero world; if it were, sex work would not be the thriving industry it is. When straight men want sex and don't have willing partners, they have to pay for it or go without.

@54: No, porn no longer floats my boat. I prefer Shakespeare sonnets and sipping Chamomile tea quiety out on the veranda.

Traffic @49: "cutting out a website will only help my productivity".

This is not an Amtrak station, and you're not a train. There's no need to announce your departure. Bye bye!

Griz @46: If you don't fancy a Peter Tork avatar, there's always Aunt Grizelda from Dr. Seuss.

Ms Cute @38 - I was considering earlier but wasn't sure about bringing up how LW1 made me think of Harriet Smith and Hedda Gabler. It will be interesting to see if anyone can get the connection before I finish. You seem rightly suspicious of LW1's internal definition of an FLR. While Mx Wanna, our resident expert witness on the subject, rightly notes that not everybody expressing interest in the model will want to go the whole hog, I was wondering whether LW1 might not just be applying the wrong label to something. I mentioned recently having a rather long argument elsewhere with someone who insisted that an exclusive preference for either a performing or a receiving position was inherently a sign of either a dominant or a submissive nature rather than just a plausible or even probable link. While we are far from having conclusive evidence here, I did think that LW1 might want to take a few Wanna Supplements, as it were, to bolster his submissiveness. I wondered whether he might be reading his sexual preferences as indicative of a character streak, or possibly holding an idea of FLRs that's really something a bit different.

This is where Harriet Smith comes in. Recall how one of the first things she mentions appreciating about Robert Martin is how he had gone three miles round for some walnuts one day because he had heard her mention how fond she was of them. We're not given details, only LW1's assertion that he's a submissive male, but his references to what his wife thinks did lead me to wonder, in a sideways version of the old audience Match Game chime-in, "How submissive is he?" and to think that he would score nowhere near so highly on a Submissive Scale as Miss Smith. I selected Harriet Smith rather than Submissive Supreme Fanny Price (who provides an excellent example of how to submit against one's better judgement in a way that reminds one of the saying about how easy it is to believe in free speech for those who agree with one) not as any comment as to whether Miss Smith or Miss Price should be at the top end of the scale but because Miss Smith struck me as an example of the sort of woman to thrive with a partner who happens to be a gynocentric patriarch. LW1's seeming to maintain almost as many firm opinions of his own as Miss Price without being half so ready and willing to abandon them did give me the idea that he might really want a partner who's an androcentric matriarch. Thinking of the downside of such sorts of partners led me to consider that one could end up married to Jurgen Tesman and living in a house that one only said one liked at a time when one happened to be desperately in search of any topic of conversation.

@66 fubar
"If you don't fancy a Peter Tork avatar"

Yes, griz, if you'd like a different avatar than you wanted last November just say the word and I'll provide you with it.

In my younger days, virgins were considered notorious for glomming onto whomever was their “first.” I usually managed to avoid it. Once I thought it would be an easy dismount because he was leaving to go off to law school within days. Nope, he wrote for years. Sweet, in retrospect.

@64 have you taken in Patrick Stewart’s recent daily sonnet readings? Lovely.

@ #s 60, 62, & 69 (Harriet, BiDanFan, and Squidgie): Yeah, I think it's entirely possible that a person would develop feelings for the first person they have sex with.

CMD@40: What an excellent comment. Too bad Dan hasn't been doing the Friday Wrap Up lately--I hope that SUBHUB reads your comments.

As far as the numbers game goes, I don't really get into it, but I see no harm in it, either. And considering the state of the world goes, why not let people have their harmless fun. Traffic Spiral, just skip posts you know you won't want to read. auntie grizelda, maybe you want to take curious2 up on his offer to make you an avatar.

@raindrop: Yes, you're being judgmental and doing a bit of pearl clutching. Children, parents, snoopy friends, housekeepers--all have the ability or opportunity to find our sex toys. Which is none of their business. Assuming you're not leaving them out on the kitchen or bathroom counter awaiting a wash or keeping them on top of the nightstand in full view (which is your right, as well), I'd chalk it up to "don't go looking unless you're prepared to see whatever it is you find." As for one's toys being discovered after one's death, well, you're dead. I don't think you care. It's impossible to have that awkward conversation or that uncomfortable silence.

@Mr. Ven (#67): I'm not sure if you're positioning Harriet Smith or Robert Martin as the submissive one. Fanny is more than submissive--she's a veritable doormat.

BDF @59 - "she asks if he has ever seen a sex worker, he is of course obligated to answer honestly"

One can say "I'm not going to discuss my past sexual experiences at this stage of getting to know each other." Or "none of your business."
Or "why do you ask?"

It's a bad idea to lie at the start of a relationship but one still has the right to privacy.

Congratulations on the soixante neuf, Squidgie @69.

I don't believe he's under any obligation to disclose that he had been with a sex worker. This is a desperate person, who obviously waited a very long time to deal with his desperate problem. He can have this secret. Even if it means lying when asked.

In fact, I hope he does lie if asked. Why should his desperate solution place him at risk of further rejection in the future? Are we writing a Greek tragedy? No, this dude is trying to figure out how to have sex and a relationship at 50 years old. Screw the internet moralists. They're the most ruthless unforgiving people on the planet.

Life is hard. And for this guy, life is harder. The world is not a purely ethical place. Compromises must be made. In this case l-dub, do what you need to to get by, and feel free to keep it to yourself. And good luck!

Thanks to the acknowledgements I got from some of you. While I appreciate to be offered the witness expert spot, I’m not sure I qualify. My journey to figure out the things I recommended SUBHUB was full of some of the related mistakes he’s guilty of, and the need to let go took some time to kick during trial and error with different people.

His situation is different than my current one, in terms of him being married and the need for 24/7 adjustments.
Looking back at my own marriage I now believe that our last years together were indeed some sort of FLR relationship, only in our case neither side liked their assigned positions, let alone had any desire to turn it into a mutually beneficial dynamic.

My advice to him is to really try and make it work if that’s what he wants. His wife understanding and agreeing, maybe even initiating, to what it takes on her side, if only on occasion, may take some time yet could be a huge reward to both and very likely a great boost to their marriage and intimacy.
It will be a mistake to hope he can easily find it elsewhere, and if he does end his marriage for that reason he's likely to look back and wonder how he let such an opportunity slip away.
Reach out to other couples in your situation and see what you can learn from them. Related literature can also be helpful in terms of getting ideas and suggestions as how to implement them.

VIRGIN, @53, yes of course. Go to a professional. Which is what a sex worker is. Or given our present times of Living in a world where a virus has reminded us of the tiny bits of life we really are, find a CamGirl. Be careful and look around for a caring one. It’s a start, and if you find the right woman, and pay on time, you’ll get a few beginners sex lessons in.
How to live with depression, that’s an issue many now are grappling with.
TaDa, the internet. Here you will find so many groups, educational info, scary news, columns like this.. people to talk with and learn from.
Listen to music, and find some proper rock songs where real instruments are used, and dance around your space. So that’s exercise done, right? You’ve got a mind and a body, lots of ways to keep them in shape. There’s now online therapy. Or come here, and you get it for free. Good sign you’ve written in.

phil @ 73
In order to further distinguish yourself from other judgmental, ruthless, unforgiving, Greek tragedy writers people on this planet and beyond you should incorporate the word "desperate" way more often in your future comments on this subject.

VIRGIN, rough and ready therapy here, so always take with a grain of something. Hugs to you sir, and good luck on your journey.

@75: LavaGirl, I don't see what VIRGIN is going to get out of a cam girl experience. Presumably, he already watches porn, and interacting with a cam performer still means simply masturbating, which there's no reason to assume that VIRGIN isn't doing and hasn't been doing for decades. What he needs is the touch of another person's body.

@BiDanFan, Harriet, EricaP, philosophy school dropout, et. al.: I can't imagine circumstances under which VIRGIN would be asked by a new girlfriend whether he has seen professional sex workers. He can volunteer (and probably should to offset some sexual and/or non-sexual issues that might arise) that he's had limited experience--he can say he came very late to dating, or he's only been with 2 women or whatever, but he doesn't need to say that those women were sex workers. And he can wait until he's well into a relationship and trust and mutual affection have been established to be more forthcoming or not. He never needs to tell anyone, but I would think that once in a serious relationship, his past dating history might come up occasionally. Even so, he can be honest about his relatively underwhelming dating history while still not mentioning that he acquired his sexual experience with a sex worker.

@77 Dadddy
"I've yet to see any groundswell of opposition to these laws."

It's too bad that the masses have so much on their plates, and that those that are directly involved fear repercussions from trying to legalize it.

@69: Patrick Stewart certainly is an excuistie orator. I'll check it out.

LW1 and his wife, who encouraged him to write in, will be both reading this. Yes, I agree, LW1 is acting out.
Though when you think of it, is she satisfied and
it is his sperm.
Why is he acting out, because yes Fan up there, he could easily alternate, and wouldn’t have had to get to writing about it.
My take is, he wants his wife to join him and it is a problem which both need to address. His resentment is shown by with holding his ejaculate, only sharing with his inner self, because his inner self has been shamed by her, perhaps? Butt Play is So Gay, after all. Ignored by her, definitely. Maybe he carries shame too.
Fifteen years tog, and there are children. This is a working team, and to me, more communication and experimentation around their sexual lives would be healthy.

SUBHUB- Personally, I think of coming in the shower as one of the more polite ways to meet my own needs when I have a poor sexual relationship with my partner at the time. So I think it's laid back of your wife to let this go on unaddressed until you stopped coming during PIV. If your wife wants you to come during sex (which seems like a good thing, I want a partner who wants me to come during sex), the standard advice is to stop coming your default way (sounds like it's in the shower?) until you start coming the desired way, during PIV. If you take pride in being able to last a long time, and you feel very submissive, maybe you can think of it as appealingly humiliating to abstain otherwise so you can come quickly.. But if you're not having orgasms at all anymore, that sounds like a health issue to discuss with your doctor..

If you have a butt plug in during sex but you prefer to come in the shower when your wife isn't there... ouch. Idk. Ouch. Otherwise tell her how happy it would make you if you both brought toys into bed together, if she has her own I can't see why she'd say no if that would help things along.. and would she even know or care if you had one inserted when you started hitting on her?

VIRGIN - I'm a het woman, I've slept with 4 virgins, and none of them told me that they were a virgin before we had sex. I found out right after, weeks after, months after, years after.. One lied about it, the others just kept their privacy until afterward.. One I thought was really good in bed, he came twice the first time and I didn't even notice him get out of it, that didn't just happen the first time.. he had a serious girlfriend for years before college, I was really surprised he was a virgin.. So don't bring it up. I'd evade lying about it though, that can backfire. Do be honest that you haven't dated much, and it's been awhile, but you've been trying to get out more. Do try to kiss on the first date and make sure it's not sloppy. Do explore and appreciate her body and try to use at least your hands to try to get her off before the date you try to have sex (bring condoms or have lube and condoms on hand). Do show her how you like to be touched and kissed too. Maybe try to find someone with unusual tastes and ask a lot about what she wants and tell her you've never done that particular thing before but you'd love to try to work out how to make it good for both of you... Or try to get her off before sex... Have some plan to deal with coming very quickly, or if you get out of it or anxiety to take a sexy break until you both seem to be in the mood again..

I don't like that guys hide their virginity, but I'd have liked to have known this was so common before my experiences...

Ms Cute - That's a good point. Which is really submissive to which is a question that could go round for a long time.

It's very easy to submit when one is being ordered to do exactly what one likes best. Some men may slap the FLR label onto that. I winder if their ideal may work out to being some sort of gender-flipped Lady Bertram, who about as much as anyone has everything just the way she likes, her greatest exertions being taking the ten mile drive to Sotherton and agreeing to Fanny's visit to Portsmouth.

If we knew that W1 wanted LW1 more submissive, I'd advise her to order him to read Mansfield Park and practise taking Fanny for a role model.

@50 & @68 curious2 and @66 fubar: Oh no--now I'm torn between Peter Tork's goofy Monkees song, Your Auntie Grizelda and Dr. Seuss's Auntie Grizelda. What to do in choosing an avatar?
Could either or both of you post an avatar image here in the comment thread?
Maybe we could put it to a vote? I'm open for suggestions. :)

@54 BiDanFan: Traffic Spiral (@49) flounced off in a pouty little mall-brat snit, all because (s)he couldn't fire back an acidically inflammatory-enough retort about my little numbers game? Is (s)he really 14 and mad about having a curfew? Hopefully Traffic went off to chill out with a favorite beverage.
Griz does say the damnedest things when her back is up. :)

@69 squidgie: WA-HOOOOOOOO!!!!! Major congratulations in scoring this week's Lucky @69 Award honors! Savor the highly coveted glory found only here in Savage Love Land. :)

We're getting closer to the Big Hunsky....tick....tick....tick....

Congrats, Squidgie @69! Patrick Stewart reading Shakepeare's sonnets sounds like a wonderful thing to put on the google list. Thanks for the tip.

Nocute @70, but it's other people who are claiming the lucky numbers, though somehow they escaped Traffic's ire. Griz having an avatar wouldn't help. People like Traffic just need to learn some tolerance.

EricaP @71, I wasn't necessarily talking about right at the start of the relationship. I agree that if someone asked on date one or two whether their partner had ever seen a sex worker, that would be a red flag, and with nothing vested in that relationship he'd be within his rights to not answer and to not see her again on grounds of excessive judgementalness/incompatible dealbreaker. I meant in the context of a relationship that is now established, he is obligated to not lie. But good point that the only two answers are not necessarily the truth versus a lie; he could indeed take the "why do you ask" route, although that would essentially still be answering yes.

CMD @74: "My journey to figure out the things I recommended SUBHUB was full of some of the related mistakes he’s guilty of." Which makes you MORE qualified to advise him, I would say. It's important to know both what to do and what not to do. I hope he can learn from your mistakes.

Sidebar: Mrs SUBHUB asked him to write to Dan, so presumably she read his answer, and may also be reading the comments. In the event that she is, I'll address her directly. Hi, Mrs SUBHUB! Speaking as a woman who enjoys the Dominant role, I have a few questions for you. Firstly, is CMD's theory that SUBHUB has asked you to peg him and you've refused accurate? If so, why did you refuse? This is clearly something your husband enjoys greatly, and I'm sure he would love it even more if you were involved. Sure, he's being a brat if he's punishing you for saying no, and I'm not endorsing that strategy. But it seems like there's something he wants, and there's something you want, so that seems a good opportunity for negotiation and compromise. Perhaps if you participated in butt play with him, he'd spend less time alone with his toys? (You could also forbid him from playing with his toys, only enjoying that with you, just saying.) Second question, are you aware that men's bodies change as they age, just as yours will? In the event SUBHUB is physically/medically unable to come inside you, how would that affect your relationship? Finally, I wish you luck in accomplishing the trick of actually making the FLR about you rather than about him. Do not be afraid to say no to his demands to be "dominated"; that is indeed topping from the bottom. You are in charge and if that means you don't feel like giving him the spanking he's "earned," you don't have to. There are ways to dominate him that require less effort from you, for instance having him be your footstool while you read a book, dress in lingerie or wear a butt plug while cleaning the house, wear lingerie to the office (once those are a thing again), give you a foot massage, or putting him in chastity. Good luck finding ways to make this fun for both of you!

*wear lingerie to the office under his work wear, I meant, in case that was unclear!

Grizelda, it’s amusing anyone comes to these threads thinking to find normal people.
I’m not clear that LW1 is serious about having a FLR. And he writes like he doesn’t enjoy PIV with his wife, he ticks boxes. Twice a week. Look to see the wife is satisfied, then goes off by himself for the real
action.

LW1 and MsLW1: the issues here seem more than not coming during PIV sex. As Fan @87 suggests, find ways to have fun with your dynamic and LW1, be honest with what you want too.

Nocute @79, in the age of Covid I agree camming may be of some usefulness. It will get him used to interacting with sex workers, for one thing. He can also engage in fantasy talk with them about how they would like to be touched, what he should do to them, what they might like him to say. Engaging with real women could provide a useful contrast with the porn he's seen, which is unlikely to have focussed on the woman's pleasure. In other words, engaging with a cam girl need not mean "simply masturbating."

// My Offer to Make Avatars for You //
First, I'd like to note that I'm not doing anything magic here.

First step, I https://images.google.com/ to find an image. Everyone is invited to do this themselves if they like.

Second step, I trim the image in an image editing program to optimize the part of the image one wants to appear in the little square box to the left of your Comments. Everyone is invited to suggest how I should make the decision involved (on what part of the photo to use).

Last step, I upload the photo so I can provide it to you as a URL.

@85 griz
"post an avatar image here in the comment thread?"

By image I hope you mean a URL for an image (because it's bloomin' impossible to actually post an image here in the comment thread).

As for the Peter Tork image I provided a link to last November (in the Comment I pasted the URL of @50; note that that comment also points to directions to enable your avatar) it's:

https://i.ibb.co/87Bp5v8/Peter-Tork.jpg

"Dr. Seuss's Auntie Grizelda"

First, I was reminded that Seuss' is Aunt Grizelda (not Auntie). Who is a villian. So of the various images I googled most had a scary look on their face; I thought you might like this one in which she is sorta smiling:

https://i.imgur.com/gtc8qsV.jpg

@92 p.s. re: @85 griz
"Oh no--now I'm torn between Peter Tork's goofy Monkees song, Your Auntie Grizelda and Dr. Seuss's Auntie Grizelda. What to do in choosing an avatar?...Maybe we could put it to a vote? I'm open for suggestions. :)"

Try one for a couple days. Try the other for a couple days. Then see what you/others think.

@BiDanFan@91: I see your point, and I admit I was writing as if we weren't living in the era of COVID. I suppose camming is more interactive than simply watching porn, but I think VIRGIN is curious about the mechanics of it all and camming won't help with that. It will get him started talking to an actual woman, but I think that cam girls will say what they think the client wants to hear, which also isn't much help. I'm not sure that VIRGIN is going to be able to learn too much about how to please a woman unless he hires someone who understands that he wants to LEARN, not to have his ego--as opposed to his penis--stroked.

Sexually, he's at the place a lot of young men are--not thinking about how to be an attentive lover so much as wanting to discover for himself what the fuss is all about, what it feels like to him to have sexual contact with another person's body. And I think that's okay. It's natural for someone to be thinking in terms of themself at first.

"My one girlfriend could not hide the fact that my inexperience offended her." I wonder if this was the OP's interpretation of a reaction that was more like Philophile's "I don't like that guys hide their virginity."

@95: Hey Ens. Pulver, I'm working on a monster email to you now. Check in an hour.

As a man of similar age to the letter writer, we should all probably be clear that as men age the ability to ejaculate often and hard diminishes. If your first ejaculation "duty" is to your wife, you need to make sure she gets the spunk... it's really possible to have orgasms and enjoy yourself immensely without cumming...

@62. Bi. I'd guess that when you first had sex, you were a smidge younger than 53.

This guy knows he's a special case. That when he first does it, he's starting to catch up; it won't only happen, if it happens at all, because he and his partner, against past experience, maybe against the odds, fell heads over heels for one another, or will be together for life. At least I hope he isn't working with these preconceptions. He would be placing too great a burden of expectation on both of them if he were.

It isn't exactly that a sexually experienced person is slumming it being friends with a virgin. This wouldn't be true of a friendship with an observant convinced Catholic priest, for instance. But if the virginity matters as much (negatively) as it does to the lw, he is either going to be placing his friendships on a false basis (e.g. 'going to so many sci-fi conventions, I really don't miss a partner'), or serving himself up, probably uncomfortably, to his friends' pity. Going to see a sex worker in a no-nonsense way would probably, imv, be the best way to extricate himself from the bad faith of either representing himself as having done it, or of caring less than he does.

To speak personally very briefly, I had an overwhelming crush on someone unattainable at the time of my first sexual experience; and the guy I had sex with was just one of the many who weren't my crush.

@67. venn. Surely Fanny Price tops from the bottom? Not with the Crawfords so much, but certainly with her adopted family. The phrase could have been invented for her.

@79. nocute. I agree that 'I came late to dating' would be a good line. I don't think, assuming he finds himself in the early stages of a relationship, that he'll be able to swerve all questions of his past experience.

@87. Bi. I don't believe they're at the stage of having the 'how about 'three for you, one for me?' ' discussion. It's more his fault than hers.

This one is for you, Traffic Spiral. May this good fortune bring smiles and virtual hugs to your life.

Nocute, if this man is in the US, then his options are limited, if he listens to science and not the morons.
A CamGirl will please him sure, as will a sex worker. That’s why one pays for the services. A CamGirl is a living woman, and It’s a start, a safe one.
Remember too, all, to wear glasses with a mask, when out, because the virus can also infect thru the eyes.

VIRGIN says he wants someone to care for him as he is. I'm not sure why Dan didn't suggest a personal ad that's specific to who he is and what he's looking for. Dan often suggests that for others in niche groups. The ad could say that he's a 53 year old virgin who has dealt with anxiety and depression, and who would like to be in a caring sexual relationship. The ad could go on to say that he's hoping there's a lady out there who's similarly inexperienced who might be interested.

Isn't that what we'd recommend for a 53 year old female virgin? I realize this situation isn't like so many others where you can reverse the sexes and see where your double standard is showing through, but I think a personal ad is the way to go if VIRGIN is too nervous for a sex worker.