Savage Love

Friends In Deed

Comments

101

"Missed it by -that- much"

102

@99 &@100 curious2: WA-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Major congrats, curious2! I award you the highly coveted Big Hunsky glory as I already scored FIRDT honors two weeks in a row. I have landed on @100 by mistake---I meant to post "......IS......................!!!!!" as @99 for a lead-in.
Unless you, Dan, and everyone feel Griz worthy of double honors this week....I am going in for surgery on Tuesday and could certainly use the good fortune. Then you and I could call it a tied win on the Big Hunsky. :)

103

@102 griz
How about you share it with venn?
You're always deserving even when you're not having surgery (good luck), and I'd prefer the person I was debating with (venn) win it instead of me. A debate is all the reward this curious person could ask for at a given moment.

104

@103 curious2: Okay, it shall be granted.
@100 vennominon: WA-HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Congratulations! At curious2's request I bequeath to you a sharing of this week's Big Hunsky numerical honors with Griz this week in a tie. Savor the riches and bask in the glory. :)

My feelings about my pending hysterectomy are mixed. I go in first tomorrow for COVID-19 testing pre-op. I am aware that this is major---my gynecologist is yanking out all the bad girls making my internal system a living hell for 43 years---uterus, ovaries, and Fallopian tubes.
I guess most people would worry more about me if I wasn't at least a LITTLE scared. And I am, a bit. But mostly I think it will be a tremendous relief to finally have my "Carrie" years behind me at long last (jesus---I'm 56 already! One would think my body's reproductive system would know when to stop---particularly in the current Err of Trump / Pence).

105

Venn @ 96
Yes, I acknowledge there’s plenty trendiness involved in some current nuance-infused environments. I’d still very much rather have it this way as opposed to the ridiculing, ostracizing, potentially violent one.

“Concentrating efforts” will find their way no matter what, after all they managed to surface under the harshest restrictions, and there’s nothing wrong with allowing some room for fine tuning and relatively safe trial and error option/s for those interested.

The rollback of same-sexers rights is not an imminent thing and we should all work together against it. Your own experience and path are acknowledged and highly appreciated, don’t them obscure the big picture.

106

...don’t [let] them...

107

@37, 38 and Hunsky, happy birthday Griz! You’re not the only one celebrating the moment of your entry into the world, I also have a July bday and celebrate at 2:53 p.m. My mother used to tell me that I was born on the hottest day at the hottest time of day. (I’m sure it felt that way to her at the time.) This year I looked it up, the temp never went over 84 that month in that location. This year we had multiple days over 90. We are actually old enough to notice climate change in our lifetimes! No ice core evidence needed for us, woo hoo! No wonder we had such fun playing outside in those days. In another generation (or now lots of places) it won’t be safe for kids to play outside in the heat.

108

BDF, my point was that because of heteronormativity, it was easier for men to sleep with women. I was thinking of your story of a bi mixer that resulted in all DS pairings. I'm not sure if you agree with me that it seems easier for men to hook up with women, or if you still think it's easier for them to hook up with men anyway..

It would have seemed more natural for CMD to argue for nuance if he spoke of graciously handling male propositions while attempting to pass as a lesbian, rather than speaking for a lesbian that he hooked up with as a man..

I liked how Dan both illustrated that people fudge their self description, or sadly round away from bisexual, by choosing the first letter, while also reminding people that this is not a good reason to ignore one's self description.. it's still disrespectful for a man to hit on a self described gay woman or straight man. Or for a woman to hit on a self described gay man or straight woman.

Assuming someone might be secretly bi, hitting on them and then helping them keep it secret, seems to promote biphobia.

109

Ms Phile - Agreed, but you note that Mr Savage was careful to allow wiggle room for women who want to think it's only wrong when men do it or that all gays have an exception.

I suspect fewer people will round away from bisexual when terminology catches up and allows people under the B umbrella who want such a thing a selection of labels that can answer two or three questions at once.

110

Mx Wanna/Skr Curious - Nuance for the nuanced. That's largely why I wish rounders were more of a recognized category. We do seem at present to be at the point in the cycle at which the most highly nuanced seem to be steering the boat.

It's very easy to take what usually in effect plays out as a push against heteronormativity as just that and not the push against mononormativity that one usually only sees in Alphabet circles. It's almost as if people saw The Opposite of Sex and took Ms Ricci's character's arguments seriously.

111

What a constrained authoritarian world the readers of Savage Love support. Bunch of little Trumps in here ready to tell everyone what they are and aren't allowed to do.

RIP the days of 'hey, faggot...' Dan! Retire! Free yourself from your miserable readers! It's all thought police in here now. Where have the deviants gone? I guess you did your job too well, Dan. What used to need defending is now the province of the 'you're doing it wrong' cabal. I guess the scolds always win. Sad times. Sad times, indeed.

112

Bit of a one trick pony, dropout.. ‘you’re all such moralists here, blah blah blah.”
Maybe it’s you who needs to retire, because we all know your line and it’s getting a little over used.
Living in the past is not good for you, so chin up and be here now.

113

Phi @111: I couldn't agree more. The Dolma contingent has taken over. I'm protected by my Safari Extension, with its block/mute features, names at top, and ability to add avatars to users that won't, but I feel badly for everyone else. I think I'm going to have to make it available to a wider audience!

114

Whoops. Sorry @Philophile. @113 was meant for @dropout.

115

I can count my OS encounters on one hand, with the last being over 25 years ago, so I'm definitely nowhere close to the "rounders" subcategory. I don't identify as bi, because getting inebriated while horny in my 20's doesn't trump almost 40 years of SS relationships spanning my adulthood.

I guess it's not surprising then, that I feel that assigning value to "gold star" status smacks more of misandry/misogyny than authenticity - or heaven forfend - legitimacy.

116

@102 good luck Griz on your surgery and post-op recovery. @83 griz - you're one of the good boomers!

117

Phi @ 108
“It would have seemed more natural for CMD to argue for nuance if he spoke of graciously handling male propositions while attempting to pass as a lesbian, rather than speaking for a lesbian that he hooked up with as a man.”

I brought up that experience because some commenters stated that women never hit on gay men.
What followed was full of nuances though- hi Venn- as I was first hit on for being an assumed gay man yet assumed the role of a woman once at my place while the other person a man. As the night progressed, we practiced acts and dynamics that could have rendered us as a lesbian/gay/straight couple at different times. Not that anyone cared.

118

@Fubar @113: stuffed grape leaves?
/confused/

119

@107 Squidgie: Many thanks, and Happy Belated Birthday!! Our parents timed us right, didn't they? Nothing like being able to celebrate birthdays in good outdoor weather. :)
@116 delta35: Many thanks, delta. For years I was left to feel like a dumb kid because my three siblings were born the previous decade. Leave it to the U.S. Census Bureau to lump a bunch of us together in the same age bracket (the Baby Boomer generation spans twenty years--1944-1964). Dan the Man and I are among the last of the Boomers. :)

120

@119 griz
"Dan the Man and I are among the last of the Boomers"

That alarmed me a bit. There are now 69.56 million of us left.
https://www.statista.com/statistics/797321/us-population-by-generation/

121

@120 curious2: There are only 69,560,000 of us Baby Boomers remaining worldwide, out of 8 billion +? Yoiks! Indeed, we are a vanishing breed. What I meant was that Dan Savage and I, both born in 1964, are among those who represent the youngest of the U.S. born Baby Boomer generation.

122

Fubar @113: and associates, I really don’t appreciate you using one of my other alias names. WTF.
There is no contingent, scared little boy, fubar. Unlike you, I make no outside contact except with my dear sista, Grizelda, and we talk music not gossip. So all these people you think are part of some contingent, is pure projection. People here speak for themselves.
Wow. Fucking Wow.
Whatever.
Grizelda darling, how you feeling? With you.. more hugs and love.

123

Grizelda, indulged again in a few CDs today. The virus going off in the state of Victoria, down here, I need more music in case we do too.. and I look for the bargain ones. Best find was a greatest hits from Credence/ Clearwater Revival.

124

Second best was Hall&Oats. It’s comforting to go to the music of one’s youth and god damn but I was lucky.

125

Ho who jibes @90, if I am in lesbian/LGBT space, then no, at that point I am not open to advances from cis men. I could get those anywhere. Leave me alone when I'm presenting as a woman seeking women.
"I've had occasional one-off sex with men in the past, and the reason was always that I was horny, and anonymous sex is infinitely easier to get from men." Exactly as I described @59, yet somehow, I don't understand the lesbian mind...

Lava @93, it's a mess here, perhaps not quite so bad as the US but nearly so, with people protesting against masks and alleging covid is a hoax. Surprise surprise, cases have increased after restrictions were relaxed so a new and more confusing set of rules has come in.

Phi @108: "my point was that because of heteronormativity, it was easier for men to sleep with women." I disagree. Because of heteronormativity, women have been assigned the role of sexual gatekeeper and men have been assigned the role of sexual pursuer. When it comes to -casual sex-, two pursuers are going to have an easier time achieving their goals than a pursuer and a gatekeeper. Most difficult of all will be negotiating casual sex between two gatekeepers. Casual sex and relationships are two different things; the same heteronormativity that endorses the latter discourages the former. So yes, I disagree with you that if a man creates profiles on Tinder and on Grindr he will have more luck on Tinder. I believe it is the opposite. Any bi men want to chime in?

"It would have seemed more natural for CMD to argue for nuance if he spoke of graciously handling male propositions while attempting to pass as a lesbian, rather than speaking for a lesbian that he hooked up with as a man.." But perhaps this was not their experience. They can only speak to what actually happened in their life, not make things up for the purpose of argument.

Fubar @113, don't encourage him.

CMD @117, your story has made me smile as much as I'm sure the memories make you smile. :-D

Griz @121, that's comparing the US population with the world population. There are boomers in other countries too, believe it or not! ;)

126

Scrap that, Hall&Oats had maybe one or two songs I connected with, INXS.. because Michael and Bobby Dylan’s latest, this man keeps creating. That wasn’t in the mark downs.

127

Mx Wanna - If you enjoyed it, good for you. As I said, nuance to the nuanced. I am grateful that you recognized that your one-timer did offend (and just got lucky). Had she done that to me, I would have run out of lorgnettes (it's a shame Ms Cute is absent this week; she likes lorgnettes) before I'd finished bringing down the temperature to such an extent that it would take some time before anyone resumed speaking of global warming. You also inadvertently supported one of my points about vocabulary. Those who apply the G equally across genders may well have thought from the earlier post that your rounder believed she'd selected an appropriate target.

I can grant that there would be some appeal in a world where anyone could hit on anyone. That would, though, be binormative (or perhaps pannormative would be better) appeal, and would require the ability to thrive in such normative spaces. My mind actually went back to Austenian times and the language of leaving visiting cards. If there were a gesture similar to leaving a card with the appropriate corner(s) turned in whichever direction indicating, "I shan't ask you, but if you were to ask me in the next [whatever period of time] I'd accept," that or something similar might be doable. As things are, letting the likely-to-be-offended party make the first gesture of interest probably does the least harm.

128

Ms Jibe - I'm not in the absolutist camp. It is, though, a lesser evil than what I'll call the descriptivist camp, which has to let anyone speak for any label one claims. Where to draw the rounding line is a question that can only be referred to Humpty Dumpty, though I hope we'd agree that counting LW1 as a rounder does good on net.

As for gold star status, I think I may feel similarly to how Mx Wanna feels about ethnicity. It's largely a matter of good luck if the call is sufficiently immediate and clear (rather like a vocation; there's an excellent parallel in Ms Godden's novel about Benedictine nuns In This House of Brede), and there at least can be virtue in resisting social heteronormative pressure. The current pendulum swing, though, is rather derisive of it. As you have "only" been discriminating against men, you will be treated as a much lesser offender.

129

@125 BiDanFan
"here...people protesting against masks and alleging covid is a hoax. Surprise surprise, cases have increased after restrictions were relaxed"

I'm so sorry. Those are such oddly aberrant thought-virus', I wonder if y'all caught them from the deep well of thought-infection in the USA, or if they sprang up there independently.

And I wonder if they spring up into outbreaks everywhere, or only places with leadership too backwards to foster rational thinking (and if necessary sequester dangerous behavior). I wonder if this shit happened in 1918 too.

130

Pish posh Venn. Have you never been intoxicated and horny? I probably should add the qualification "and a Lesbian" to that, because in my youth, I knew the location of "the" gay cruising park in every city I lived in and traveled to. And every city I've lived in and traveled to has had at least one. Good luck finding a half-way decent Lesbian-only bars in those very same cities...

That dearth of Lesbian bars (and complete absence of Lesbian cruising parks) is foundational to understanding that party-inclined gay women must sometimes "invade" your precious "properly gendered gay" spaces when they need a safe place to enjoy the party, as themselves.

Thankfully there are enough gay men who see Lesbians as fellow travelers (if not friends) that there are at least a few happily G, and L, welcoming spaces everywhere I go. And for your benefit Venn? For every one G and L space, there are always more proper-G-exclusive venues.*

*Expert Witness Qualfications available upon request.

131

BDF @125: "don't encourage him". Au contraire... It's time to push back against the Dolma element! Within the last couple of months, I and others have been scolded repeatedly, and been called a newbie and told to leave by someone who thinks their prolificacy means they own the damned place.

"There are boomers in other countries too, believe it or not!" Shhhhhh! We're trying to keep that secret so they won't try to pry open the border and visit.

132

Venn @ 127
My “very inappropriate manner” was an attempted Lubitsch touch, though for the record I still shied away from pulling a McEnroe when the response was “I’m quite flattered but not interested, thanks!” something I did managed to deliver peacefully while en homme as well as en femme. (Phi @ 108 revisited)

Disclaimer: I agree that growing up as a man is likely contributing to my sense of safety in such situations.
Going out as a woman made me keep much closer attention as to what’s going on around me.

133

Venn @127: "If there were a gesture similar to leaving a card",

Brilliant! I would vote for that.

134

How have I never heard the phrase "dickful thinking" before? It's a perfect turn of phrase.

135

At the risk of sounding like "that guy":

Acronyms are pronounced like they were words, like C.O.V.E.T. is "covet."

Initialisms are pronounced letter by letter, like F.B.I. is "Eff Bee Eye."

Most of the clever sign-offs are acronyms, but some are initialisms.

136

Sorry, should have put all these in one post. Long-time reader, first-time caller.

I noticed that Dan and most commentors did not ask COVET if there were any signs that her coworker was attracted to her. Sometimes, of course, you have to take a risk and ask, but I was surprised no one asked, "has he given any signs that he might be interested in being more than platonic friends?"

If the genders were reversed (mostly gay man attracted to female co-worker), I would have asked him if there were any signs that she has any interest in a sexual relationship with him. I would have urged extreme caution if he said there was no sign. Is it different in this case?

137

Ms Jibe - I've never been intoxicated. No drink, no drugs, and I can't say I'm at all the worse off for it.

When I was socially active, L and G managed to share spaces reasonably well, but what people missed was that they were homonormative spaces basically split into halves. People mistook that as an indication that the whole GRSM gang could all get along just fine.

I don't know where you live, but where I live I could walk to a lesbian bar in fifteen minutes and know of no MM-exclusive venue within (and I have a Scottish idea of what constitutes) walking distance. Indeed, the only homonormative spaces I know of within an hour's drive are all lesbian. All the old "gay bars" near me didn't just admit the L, which would not have been a bad thing as long as it weren't universal (every letter should have spaces where its constituents can be alone when they so desire), but they've let in everyone else as well and aren't homonormative spaces any longer. I find a difference between visiting binormative or omninormative spaces as an outsider when I'm in the mood for it and having no choice. Happily in practice I have long given up attending social gatherings. I'm delighted to join you in calling for more lesbian-only bars if you find the number insufficient. It has been unpleasant to hear (as an outsider) of a decline in FF spaces. There should be trans bars, and asexual bars, and agender bars, and anything else anyone wants, and let them all hate the G and/or any other letters as much as they desire.

138

Mr Idaho - LW1 reported a "feeling" that CW1 would be down for a pandemic fling, which I suspect many are taking as sufficient evidence that he'd accept. And I don't want to talk over the near-universal response of actual DS men who have reported being wildly flattered. Were the genders reversed, my guess would be that there would be more warning about the chance of her catching feelings for him.

139

Mx Wanna - I'll just hope you haven't had to pull a McEnroe to deflate any unwanted attentions, whoever the soirce.

140

Duncan @136: Welcome to the commentariat. Don't let the Dolma element put you off. You raise a good point. Generally, one knows when attraction is in the wind. When one is unsure, better to err on the side of shutting up and finding out.

141

Mr. Venn @136: Sadly, the proliferation of strongly typed bars will have to wait a few years. But hopefully we will get there eventually.

142

@136 Duncan
"did not ask COVET if there were any signs that her coworker was attracted to her"

While I usually want more info from letters, in that case I felt very confident that COVET wouldn't've failed to mention encouraging signs.

@137 venn
"I've never been intoxicated. No drink, no drugs, and I can't say I'm at all the worse off for it."

You might be no worse off for it, but you really can't know.

From my perspective, not drinking is no loss and possibly a huge gain.

But I'd definitely be vastly worse off had I never taken any drugs. They can be a doorway to growth, enlightenment, and expanded awareness on all levels of reality. Of course there are other many doorways to those things, and ones with fewer risks.

143

Fubar- I'm not sure that "Dolma element" is fair nor related to SL. Please reconsider.

144

CMD @143: Having recently been told in these pages that one of my several kinks (DD/lg) is "incest adjacent", and that as a newbie (reading and posting once 2010) I should fuck off, what exactly am I supposed to reconsider?

This should not be a hostile, kink-negative space. And Dolmas should not be tolerated here.

145

@ciods @118: Found it in my tattered old copy of The Urban Dictionary.

Dolma (Aussie slang): "Someone who likes to judge and scold others, but doesn’t realize they’re too stupid to understand what’s going on. Dolma usually becomes hostile when questioned or challenged."

Handy word.

146

Fubar @131, Phil's comment was unclear to me as to who he was referring to, while you seem to have just one person whom you dislike. If that's the case, you can easily just skip that person's posts, the way I skip Phil's. If you're talking about several of us, as he appeared to be with his snarky tone, mind naming the members of the "contingent" you're referring to? I know that Phil's includes me, which is my personal interest in not seeing you align yourself with his trollsomeness.

Venn @whichever, you act as if you, or SS monosexuals generally, are alone in facing the affrontery of advances from people one is not interested in. Pish posh indeed. Regardless of one's demographic, individuals one does not find attractive may at times approach one. "Thanks, but I'm not interested" should suffice to end these interactions with no offence caused to the approachee and minimal embarrassment to the approacher. (Do notice the word "should"; in practice, gender roles and baggage do complicate what should be a very simple exchange, but that is a tangent we can leave alone.)

Duncan @134, welcome! It is a great turn of phrase. Is COVET displaying dickful thinking? I think COVET herself covers both possibilities: "I have a feeling he'd be down for a casual pandemic thing… although it’s possible I could be projecting." So she recognises both that he may be interested and that he may not be. I don't know what asking "has he given any signs that he may be interested" would elicit, because if the answer is "no," the probable reason is "because she is a lesbian so there would be no point." In other words, a lack of "encouraging signs" is exactly what I would expect, whether he's attracted or not. She has a feeling he would be -- what is behind this feeling? Anything more than him being in the same boat as her, single and presumably horny? She doesn't say, and we certainly can't guess. So the only way for any of us to find out would be for her to out herself as sexually available to men, or at least to this man, and see if he feels the same, which is what Dan advised.

Venn @137, where do you live, so that I can plan a holiday there once those are a thing again?

In my city, not only are lesbian bars closing, but venues of all types are being shut in favour of redevelopment, with more and more socialising (even pre-pandemic) moving online. Who knows what will be left by the time venues are allowed to reopen.

Curious @142, I'm not sure any more encouraging signs are needed than his being single and straight and in his 30s, and comments like Donny @3, Rational @17, Happy @30 and, sadly, BEZ @33 being representative of the straight male perspective on such a situation. Unless she's really ugly, I think her odds are pretty good numerically. That's always been enough of an "encouraging sign" for me in whether I should approach a guy I fancy. Speaking from experience, the chances of a yes are high enough that a respectfully phrased approach is a good risk.

147

@Dadddy @145:
/blush/
I really should pick myself up a copy of that.

148

@146 BDF
Agreed. Plus thanks I completely forgot COVET said:
"I have a feeling he'd be down"

149

Mr Bar - It might be TTFW (Too Twee For Words for those who don't have the recall of Ms Ods), but I was thinking of something with flowers.
xxx
Ms Fan - Oh, no group is immune to unwanted advances. But you're being too modest. I could make the case that it's a point of Monosexual Privilege, as it were, to have access to the platinum standard rejection, the ultimate It's Not You, It's Entirely Me. (Trying to determine to what extent asexuals and demisexuals have something similar would take too long.) The rejected party knows that she/he/one wasn't even put through the valuator, and can walk away without feeling unnecessarily inadequate.

An absolutist can attempt the line that an unwanted advance is an unwanted advance, but it reminds me of Ms Winfrey's straightsplaining to lesbians and gays - and, it must be noted, in a time before marriage equality or even widespread rights for SS couples - that it's no worse to be dumped for someone not of one's own gender than for someone of one's own gender. I can most definitely report that unwanted advances from women and men were entirely different.

In a way, what I'll call innocent advances from women were easier. If I were in a binormative space and were approached by a stranger, one could manage, "Sorry, I'm gay," with about as little embarrassment as possible. (And for anyone among the assembled company who wonder why I put so much emphasis on the nature of spaces, I consider it part of the nonverbalized contract of attending a binormative space for any monosexual to commit to handling advances that will go unevaluated with at least civility if not grace.) Declining unwanted advances from men usually made me quite anxious, and I'll admit to accepting the odd advance without wanting to do so because declining seemed too impolite. Non-innocent advances from women, though, gave considerable offence.

150

Venn @149, this may not surprise you, but there is a sizeable contingent of straight men who take "sorry, I'm a lesbian" as encouragement to up the pressure on said woman in the belief that she'll not only be turned by the prospect of his magic penis, but have a rolodex of friends she can invite to join in. I expect this reaction is far less common among the women who unwittingly hit on gay men.

Being that binormative spaces are so rare, I'd expect to find you (or anyone) more often in heteronormative spaces, ie any space that is not designated specifically for queers. Surely women would be more confident in presuming a man straight in a heteronormative space than even a binormative one. I share your inclination to react differently to male than to female approaches. I too have accepted approaches from women I didn't actually find attractive, because I know how difficult it must have been for her to do so and didn't want to hurt her feelings. Not to mention the nagging voice in my head saying, "You're always complaining that women don't hit on you, well here's a woman hitting on you, are you both a beggar and a chooser now?"

151

I guess Mr D, @145.we need to find a word for people like you who come onto public threads to crack onto women? Has she come across yet.. ? This is not Fetlfe.
And fubar the sad prick, on he goes. Can’t have a woman stand up to him. This is a kink friendly space. Dan would delete any comments which weren’t.
It’s also a space where social constructs are looked at talked about and analysed.
You lot can chat away all you like in your little “ off line SL support groups” , this is the main game.
Here, only one in charge is Dan. Luckily he’s open to ideas, he’s open to different points of view.

152

I see the bullying going on here, towards others’ ideas is as fascist as any trump lovers’ bullying.
You think because there’s a few of you stamping your feet, saying, This Is Reality!! that it makes it so?

153

Mr D, fubar .. boys, they have come after me here from every angle known. You two are chicken feed.

154

Hey Grizelda, hope you going ok.

155

Lava- while some others here may do well to tone down their rhetoric and calling others names, you should seriously consider doing the same.
Your own ongoing bullying, shaming and name calling aren’t limited to “boys” vs YOU. You have a long history of getting into fights with just about everyone here, including women, then brushing it aside as nothing but “personal attacks.”

While your resilience is admirable it’s still possible to convey your messages in a slightly less absolutist, fiery manner, ask for clarifications on issues you may not be familiar with, and admitting you were wrong every now and then.

156

Interesting: I see two people who are insulting other commentors, philosophy school dropout @111, who calls unnamed commentors "Trumps" and thought police," and "miserable readers," and LavaGirl @112, 122, 151, and 153, in which she attacks both fubar and Dadddy, without provocation.

Indeed, LavaGirl seems to take fubar's use of "the Dolma contingent" @113 and "the Dolma element" @131 and 140 to be addressed to/about her, but fubar never said who he thinks is part of this contingent.

Like ciods, I wondered what stuffed grape leaves had to do with anything, and then when Dadddy quoted Urban Dictionary's definition, of "Dolma (Aussie slang): "Someone who likes to judge and scold others, but doesn’t realize they’re too stupid to understand what’s going on. Dolma usually becomes hostile when questioned or challenged," I laughed, because

(a) it's Aussie slang and LavaGirl is Australian,

(b) someone scolding and getting hostile but without even knowing she's being addressed would seem to be the very definition of "Dolma,"

and

(c) @122, Lava appears to take ownership of "Dolma," saying that it's an alias she uses (presumably because she is aware of the denotation/connotation ) when she trolls someone.

But if the dolma fits, I say wear it.

157

Oh, I see that @144, fubar refers to a time when Lava kink-shamed the hell out of him.

And I guess I was writing my comment @156, as CMD's very wise comment was appearing @155. Lava, I realize that by my saying this, you're going to lash out at me, but the truth is that you're a bully. I don't know why you get to screech at everyone else and have such a thin skin, yourself, as well as apparently lacking the ability to apologize. In fact, if I didn't know you were Australian, female, and older, I would swear you were my brother!

P.S. LavaGirl, I think you think Dan is more involved with the comment section than I suspect he is. It's the webmaster, not Dan, who removes posts or blocks posters, based on a violation of The Stranger's community standards. Lately, with only the weekly column appearing, I don't think he's reading the comment threads much at all.

158

So, Dolma@122, I guess you call yourself that when you're deliberately trolling people elsewhere on the Internet, but you get your knickers in a twist, when someone else calls you what you admit to being elsewhere.

Trolls gonna troll, I suppose.

159

@151: Dolma, would you like to join the Covid support group? You and anyone else here is welcome to--mostly we talk about how we're doing, or feeling during these strange times. There is no entrance requirement, and people can drop away as they find it's no longer useful. We've also talked about our own relationships. I found it heartening to discover that for some of us, Covid and enforced isolation has been beneficial.

I don't think the vast majority of the commentariat is interested in my Covid-inspired anxiety, so I try to limit my entries here to being at least tangentially related to the letter(s) being discussed or sometimes larger issues that are related or which a discussion of the letters inspires. It's true I sometimes give examples of my own life, but I try to keep any of my own ish germane to the conversation the larger group is having. That's why I used to talk literature with Mr. ven and ciods separately, and why the Covid support group exists--so I don't bore the general population with non-SL-related stuff*

*Exception for my tips to CMD regarding writing/publishing erotica a couple of weeks ago; I gave him an email address, but since he asked another question or clarified his initial query here, I answered him here. Apologies to all if that was inappropriate.

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Also, Dolma/Lava, I don't know that anyone else besides auntie grizelda* is in touch with you elsewhere, so how would any of us know that you use the alias "Dolma" when you're trolling other people on other sites. And rest assured, Griz hasn't ratted you out. I, for one, have no idea where you lurk on the interwebz or who you dolma.

*I recall an extended flirtation between you and Hunter that happened via email, and for all I know, you and sportlandia are e-canoodling @somewhere.com, but I, at least, have no contact with either of those two people. Maybe fubar does, but I doubt it.

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@Lava/Dolma: Maybe cut back on the weed--it seems to be making you paranoid.