Savage Love

Old Times

Comments

108

@90. Philophile. You raise one crucial question--does BLAB think that her new-ish partner can grant her 'primacy' over his long-term close friend Susan? This isn't necessarily a question that can be decided just in reference to his foolish revelation of the suck-off. And it's only a question for her. Many women would feel no threat at all from their new bf having a longterm female friend; and some would only worry if this friendship seemed cloaked to them in some kind of special exclusive atmosphere (say, of lies, sex or unshakably earlier loyalty). After all, a friend is one thing, and a lover and life-partner another. But we don't know BLAB-and-the-guys' situation, and one slightly off-color anecdote about (possibly) misspeaking isn't going to give us more of an inside read.

109

Jon @106, thank you.

Jon @107, going on the premise that it is ethical to disclose a past sexual relationship with someone who is still in your life, but that Mr BLAB just went about it the wrong way, what would have been the right way? My suggestion would have been that first he informs her that Susan is his best friend, then he introduces the two of them, then he tells BLAB that they had a one-off sexual encounter 25 years ago. My reasoning for this is, if he tells her prior to her meeting Susan, that blowjob is going to be all BLAB can think about. Which is not great for the prospect of their being friends in future. Whereas if he waits a long time, or doesn't mention it at all and then it slips out, a la ITALIANE, he could be accused of dishonesty or withholding information. That should solve the "damned if he tells, damned if he doesn't" conundrum. If the new partner freaks about either the friendship or the hookup, that could be a sign that the new partner should become the ex in short order.

110

Yes Joh @107, good point. I think he knew exactly what he was doing, and he was testing BLAB, see if she’s a tight arsed/ twat jealous bitch, and so far she’s proving to be one. Not that I think he was consciously doing that, experience would have taught him some lovers don’t like his friendship with Susan, and those he has had little need for, because Susan is obviously already an important part of his life, and any new lovers better accept this, or you know where the door is.
BLAB says she hasn’t had a relationship for a while, maybe her controlling behaviour might need looking into. His friendships are important to him, I’d imagine, especially one held together over decades.

111

These people are not teenagers. Relax BLAB, though if you’ve been stressing over this for months, it might be too late. This man might already be jack of you. I sure would be. Nobody tells me who I can and can’t have intimacies with.

112

BiDanFan @109: BLAB already felt "humiliated", never having met Susan. Imagine if she'd been hanging out with Susan before learning the dreadful news of The Blow Job!

The question of ethics is a difficult one. I personally wouldn't want to disclose a past tryst without at least the tacit consent of everyone concerned. That someone dated someone else is usually a matter of public record, and BJs are implied. That someone delivered a NSA BJ at a truck stop is not (unless you're George Michael). BLAB being told to keep it to herself was sketchy.

113

Fubar @112, I did imagine it. The news is broken in stages, don't you think that would be better? First he tells her he has a female best friend and sees how she reacts to that. Then they all meet. If all is OK so far, she doesn't seem threatened, then make the disclosure. Then, she already has an impression of Susan as a fully rounded human being, not just a long-ago tryst at a rest stop.

I agree that ethically, he should let Susan know he's going to disclose this to his partners. It's half her story to tell; if she wouldn't want it told, he should let that sleeping dog lie. He handled this badly from both their perspectives. Personally, I'm with BLAB, I wouldn't care, and it might seem more weird to be told this information than to have it withheld. I agree that disclosing a relationship is more important than disclosing a one-off dalliance.

114

I like Ens.Pulver’s avatar. Reminds me of a picture I have if my two youngest as boys, foam fighting in the back yard. It’s joyful.. and I agree with him, Miss Treat, why feel humiliated?
Questioning feelings doesn’t invalidate them. We feel first, acknowledge such feelings to ourselves then bring the mind to bear on how to proceed. Is the feeling coming from now, or was a trigger set off from the past. etc.
As far as intuition goes, all humans develop this. It comes from focused behaviour in specific areas. Women may develop it more strongly in the area of interpersonal relationships with men, because patriarchy and we have to stay one step ahead of the boys/ that’s a catholic nun joke. Grain of salt.
I don’t think you’re a troll, Miss Treat. I sense you are a young feminist, and getting a little lost like one of our recent letter writers was. Feminism isn’t about women always being right, heaven forbid such a lie, it’s about seeing things clearly, pragmatically.. at the same time living with others, accepting that yes all of us are reared with similar ideology, however, our western countries allow for fluidity, for change. You won’t effect much by storming in abusing people. As you’ve found out.
Yes, feelings are important, and need to be acknowledged. We don’t follow every one though, do we? Or some certain person might be dead millions times over by now.

115

@114 Glad you like the avatar. The person in that picture is indeed very joyful.

116

@75 BiDanFan: What comment did I make with Philophile about a blowjob being a selfish act?
By the way, congrats on your new kitty!

@84 fubar: Many thanks! I will email soon. We can at least exchange cyber hugs, positrons, and VW beeps! :)

@100 cockyballsup: WA-HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Major congrats on scoring this week's Big Hunsky honors--and I second that!! Bask in the coveted glory. Biden / Harris 2020!! : )

117

Apologies Griz, my turn to read things that weren't there.

Lava, you crack me up sometimes, two birds with one stone indeed. Loved your post @114 too.

118

Congratulations, America!!!!

119

God what day is it? Yes. First Woman, first Black Woman as Vice President of the USA.
The West maybe fucked up in so many ways, personally I’d not want to live outside it. We make noises. We argue. We change. We evolve.
Congratulation USA, god damn but I don’t know how you all cope. Intense country.
I guess those extra seven million votes for trump were the racist votes.
/ Thanks Fan, glad I crack you up. Laughter being one of the best medicines along with the vodka and smoko the funny stuff and DVDs/ Netflix and music and good books and someone to cuddle. How you doing? It’s hard to find a book to get lost in. So many misses. So many books, still! Who are all these people churning away writing books.
There’s one just coming out next week on Masculinity, I saw a review in Saturday’s/ yesterday, paper. Might check it out.

120

Racist and Sexist vote(r)s. All those incell boys.
Guess the Trumps and Stephen Miller won’t be having such a fun Xmas.
Correction to a prior comment. Being developed minds, I hope none of us wish others dead. Rather that they be banished to the farthest spot somewhere.
No longer able to cause pain and hardship to millions of people. Antartica sounds exciting!

121

Creativity, one’s own, Fan. Left that out. That’s because I’m a lazy bitch and my creativity has dropped off. Just now picking up my knitting to finish a beany I started years ago.
A journal, Fan? A London Lockdown Journal.
I’d read it.

122

BIDEN / HARRIS 2020!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Griz can finally BREATHE freely again!

@117 BiDanFan: No worries. I, too, have a tendency to read into things that aren't there, too. :)

@120 LavaGirl: I imagine the New York State Police will be triumphantly coming after Trumpty Dumpty now, ready with a nuclear orange jumpsuit size double-wide Goodyear Blimp, dragging Putin's pool boy off, kicking and screaming like Ethel Merman. :)

123

Griz is totally shitfaced and LOVING IT.
Take THAT, MAGAs!

Look, Mom----red, red wine and no typos.

124

Lava @120, mixed in with the elation was the dismaying news that Trump actually -increased- his share of the vote among white women. What are they smoking?? Definitely too many racists and sexists in the world, and people who don't understand the concept of socialism, believing that (a) it's a bad thing and (b) it applies to anyone to the left of Reagan. But common sense eked out a victory and I'm savoring that for now. Funny that my mother also said to send Trump to Antarctica. I'd settle for jail -- the IRS got Al Capone put away, go on tax men, do your best!

125

@124. Indeed. Roxane Gay had a really good piece on this problem recently
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/11/05/opinion/trump-supporters-election-2020.html

126

For the 80yo horn dog, maybe consider using a gay non recipro cocksucker for some relief. You can ask them to remain clothed if you aren't comfortable with another naked man and you can watch porn as they do it.

For the foot guy, Dan has just effectively cock blocked other gay foot fetishists, um, thanks?

127

Ms Fan - Fear of socialism does seem to have a lot to do with the polling's being so off in Florida.

The outlook is bleak, as was inevitable either way. Everyone seems to be preparing to shift hard right.

128

BiDanFan @124: Equally dismaying is the realization, no matter how predictable, that President Eject Trump is planning a scorched earth campaign, with the intent of delegitimizing the election outcome to give his cronies cover to overturn or ignore the results. It's not over until the President Elect Biden has the keys to the White House.

129

BDF, thank you for explaining your thoughts and feelings a little more. I'll try to explain my thought process more.. I'm a little frustrated that my meaning didn't come across, I'd like us to understand each other better, but cest la vie, all I can do is try..

"I just didn't like your applying them to a situation that didn't involve you and concluding that because you wouldn't have enjoyed such an encounter, it must not have been enjoyable for Susan, and therefore there was something negative about it, which I don't feel there's any reason to conclude was the case. In fact, I think we can conclude otherwise, because they stayed friends for 25 more years and laugh about it now."
It seems like we might agree more often than you think.. I do think it could have been enjoyable for Susan. I also think that non reciprocal sex can be enjoyable (when no reciprocation is expected). But I also believe that the worst lovers are those who don't value their partner's sexual pleasure, and thus don't value reciprocation in bed: their lovers either find this selfishness exciting, or are disappointed at the lack of reciprocation and probably choose not to repeat the encounter. If BLAB is bothered by the sex, she might find it easier to focus on the story and Susan as the problem, rather than complaining about his lack of enthusiasm in bed, or wishing that he was more into her sexually, because it's hard to ask for better sex without offending a partner.. a lot of people would recommend switching partners instead, if he's not that into her it's unlikely to be very changeable... Even if he is very into her, it may be difficult for him to change his sexual habits after nearly half a century..

Maybe you don't think that BLAB could possibly be concerned about his sexual generosity because she's continued to have sex with him for a year and doesn't say anything negative about their sex together. But I think it's suspicious that she doesn't say anything positive about their sex together, just that he didn't stay overnight for 3 months, and he's a decent guy otherwise.. She says that she was single for awhile before they got together and implies that this is better than being single.. but she really doesn't seem very enthusiastic about him.

Her problem is that she feels "humiliated". Why would she feel "humiliated"? And why did he say that Susan would feel "humiliated" that he told others the story? As others have noted, he could have told her that he had hooked up with his friend, or that they had sex, or oral sex specifically, without going into detail about the one sided nature of the oral sex. And I think it is common to want to know which friends are exes, and common to be open about the form of relationships but not the details (I don't expect my lovers to hide the fact that we were intimate, I do appreciate discretion about the details). So I think the details felt "humiliating". That he chose to describe how Susan tried to please him yet offered no details about how he tried to please her seems either thoughtless.. or perhaps it was a warning about his proclivities..

I'm guessing that she feels humiliated that Susan stopped having sex with Mr Blab, but BLAB either likes that sort of sex, or feels that it's the best she can get and is afraid to complain or isn't confident that she can find a better lover. In the first case, if she likes the sex then I hope she accepts that even though others might not like that sort of sex, other women's feelings about her partner or the sex they have are practically unimportant. In the second case, if she's not satisfied by their sex life, I similarly hope that she prioritizes her desires above her fears and speaks about what she wants and tries to improve their sex life, or tries to find a man who wants the sort of sex that she wants, or that she is into enough to address any sexual conflicts..

130

Venn, "They didn't want children until their thirties, and so put off relationships with women until then."
I still don't get it. It sounds like they felt they would have to end their relationships with men before they could have kids, or they would have to start relationships with women in order to have kids. But I live in a very red state, and it only took 3 or 4 years for my friends to adopt 2 kids, even though they were both men. And it seems as though it would have been quicker if they had chosen to find a surrogate, if one were the bio dad.. although maybe a higher risk that the bio mom could have demanded more parental rights, I'm not too sure how that works legally and it probably varies by state..

It's not like hets act like we have to get married or even stay with our partner to raise kids, anymore. Divorce is very culturally accepted now, and there is not as much pressure to marry when expecting (although I think it still helps to secure equal parental rights, more likely to secure visitation for the dad and child support for the mom)..

131

BDF, I also think we are having a misunderstanding about the word "judgement". I believe that judgements are opinions. That everyone has their own judgements and it's unlikely that everyone is going to agree about judgements and that everyone's judgement is equally valid for themselves and that our judgements of others is our own personal choice etc. It's almost as if you think that I'm saying it's a fact that "bad lovers don't reciprocate" or "good lovers show concern about their partner's pleasure". But bad and good are opinions. Not everyone is even very ethical and agrees that "hurting others" is bad and "helping others or at least not hurting them" is good. I see a huge difference between opinions/judgements, and facts (remembered experiences or provable assertions). If I'm angry or frustrated about different opinions or judgements, I consider that to be a problem with my realism and acceptance of actual human variety. If I'm angry or frustrated by another's disagreement with my lived experience or reasonably provable assertions (if someone tells me how I feel or that people have never traveled to the moon), I consider it a problem with their realism and decide how much distance feels "safe". Because I've had poor luck trying to explain that they can't read my mind and my feelings and opinions are equally valid, that they should trust the sources I consider reliable like encyclopedias and peer reviewed publications, or that they have a duty to investigate their uncommon claims. So when you tell me that my judgement is wrong or unacceptable or that you don't like how I feel, it's hard to decide if the conversation is worth continuing or if we're just too different to understand each other.. But generally, I simply wish you peace and happiness..

Maybe it is the term "judginess".. Like selfishness, it is generally a good thing to care for ourself, but bad if we get selfish enough that we neglect or hurt others in order to care for ourselves.. It's generally a good thing to have well thought out opinions and judgements, but bad if we get judgy and expect others to agree with our opinions or try to impose our standards and judgements on others by telling them what they should do or showing intolerance to their actions, rather than own or judgements as personal and subjective..

132

"Own our judgements as personal and subjective".. The written word is not my best way of communicating but I try..

133

@100 Another big shoutout to cockyballsup for your spot on 2020 election prophecy! Griz, along with many in this grateful nation, and the rest of the world thank you! :)

@124 BiDanFan: You'll be happy to know that I am a white 56 year old woman, among the last of the Boomers, registered Democrat since age eighteen, who wisely voted for Biden / Harris, and who is just as relieved that they WON. :)

134

Fan @124; many white women are hanging onto the past just as many white men are. A Black Woman being VP before a White Woman.. for many white bitches, that’s going too far.

135

It wasn’t enough though, all the racism sexism and inhumanity was told no and kindness prevailed.

136

Ms Phile - That's exactly what they did - date men or even just enjoy the scene as a single until about thirty, then just switch over and pursue women. You're applying too modern (and too assimilationist) a lens. It would usually be wrong to think of the MM relationships formed as being as serious as the later MF ones (perhaps similar to a relationship one might have while studying abroad, knowing that one's future will be back at home);. In places that didn't even have domestic partnerships yet, MM adoption had remarkably little support, not to mention that, while I cannot claim to "get" the parenting instinct, I can accept that some people find bonus points in conception. Also, the differences between SS and DS (OS at the time) relationships were much greater than they are now. The view that gay life ended at thirty was a lot stronger then (and had probably been even stronger back when the practice had begun if even worse times), and SS relationships lasted or were perceived to last maybe a fourth as long as DS. Most of the good fictional representation still lay ahead as well.

It's not quite like reading Pride and Prejudice and wondering why Charlotte Lucas didn't just become a vicar herself, but it's on a similar plane.

137

Venn - When I heard your story, I was under the impression that their MF relationships were a lot less genuine. If these men expected to settle down with women to have kids, they might have expected to hide pretty important parts of their romantic history, too. But perhaps they were happy in their OS relationships, anyway. Maybe they were open to casual sex by both genders, but not romance, so there was less to hide. If they shunned sex with women until they were ready to choose one to have their kids, I would feel very sad for both those men and the women who tried to start a family with them.. I'm just glad things have changed and there's little reason to feel forced to choose OS relationships to have kids, it seems a lot less hassle to adopt or work out an arrangement with a friend. My straight friend was trying in vitro with a woman he didn't want a romance with.. Idk if it took, we lost touch..

138

Ms Phile - That makes sense; personally it struck me as a sort of birth control. Some presented it as a case of "getting the best of both worlds". I didn't like it much (especially when one or two took to cutting their gay friends or overcompensating to divert suspicion), but it was clear at the time that corporate culture wasn't ready to go the Pride route. It's interesting how easy it can be to forget how heavily the dice were loaded - I was fired for being gay in 1983, which at the time reflected badly on me rather than the industry.

139

Coming in late to agree with BDF @17 that I don't think BLAB's issue is really the long-ago blow job.

Many people would feel weird about being excluded from hanging out with a romantic partner's best friend. Insisting they not see each other without you is extreme, but it seems reasonable to expect to be invited to join in the socializing some of the time. And she's feeling the opposite, that "there’s always some excuse for why it’s not possible."

If I were BLAB I'd focus on that, on asking to see Susan more often together so she and BLAB can try to become friends. Or asking Susan out for coffee or a walk one-on-one, every so often.

And if the excuses continued, I might take that as a sign he (and Susan) didn't picture us having much of a future.

140

Mr. Venn @138: I was at a Big Brothers intro in 1983, when they mentioned, as a postscript, that gay men need not volunteer, because no mother had ever requested a gay Big Brother for her son. I felt that reflected badly on Big Brothers, and felt rather angry for any gay men who might have been present.

141

Venn, I'm going to leave Friar Tuck @126 for you!

Phi @129, but I do understand you.
Most of us read one of two (or both) issues in BLAB's letter:
1. My boyfriend violated a female friend's privacy in disclosing a personal matter to a stranger (BLAB), and/or
2. I feel strange because my boyfriend is close to a woman with whom he has a sexual history.
These are the obvious issues so it surprised me to see you skip past those and claim that the real issue is that Mr BLAB is a selfish lover, which BLAB doesn't say.
I think you want me to tell you that yes, it is possible that the real issue is that Mr BLAB is a selfish lover, despite BLAB not saying this. People do in fact sometimes not say what they mean. Harriet, too, posited that the Susan issue could be a smokescreen for other things about her boyfriend that bother her. Sure, this is a possibility.
My counter point is that, if there is in fact a different issue than the one she described, we have no way of knowing what that issue is, so it's impossible to give her good advice. Sure, the issue might be that he's a selfish lover. The issue might be that he is inclined to speak in mildly sexist/objectifying terms about other women generally, not just Susan. The issue might be that his feet stink, that he doesn't adequately care for children from a previous relationship, that he never lets BLAB pick the movie, that he voted for Trump. Because she does not say what the issue is, trying to guess feels like a flight of fancy, and I am confused by commenters' desires to engage in flights of fancy when I can see an actual issue in the words of their letter itself. We can't advise BLAB what to do about a boyfriend with stinky feet, because we don't know whether he has stinky feet. We can't advise her what to do about a selfish lover, because we don't know whether he's a selfish lover. If receiving oral sex and not reciprocating on a minimum of one occasion makes one a selfish lover, we are all selfish lovers. I can't draw that conclusion on evidence so flimsy. If BLAB tells us her lover is selfish, then I'll speak about what I think she should do with a selfish lover. Until she gives us a bit more to go on, it's a flight of fancy to me.

My conclusion from the fact that she doesn't talk about their sex life is that there are no problems in their sex life. Any other interpretation is speculation/flight of fancy. We only have what the LWs write about, and this LW wrote about an awkward situation involving this friend. So the only thing I consider it appropriate to issue advice on is the situation involving this friend.

As for her feeling "humiliated," like I said way up thread, that jumped out at me too and seems disproportionate. The only logical explanation I have is that she was just trying to write a short letter, "humiliated" was Mr BLAB's word, it may have been hyperbole because he was embarrassed about his gaffe, and BLAB just said "that's how I feel" rather than picking her own word to save time/words. If we asked her, "How does this make you feel?", I expect she would say "embarrassed" or "awkward." If the word humiliated is accurate, she must have some reason for blowing (sorry) this gaffe out of proportion, but there is nowhere near enough information for me to speculate on what that might be. Nothing in my own experience would lead me to feel "humiliated" over this situation, so all I would be able to do is ask her to elaborate, which we can't do in this format.

If your theory is correct that this is a pattern of things Mr BLAB does that make her feel humiliated, I hope she DTMFAs.

Phi @131, you're correct that in most contexts I do tend to see the word "judgement" as negative. Sitting in judgement. Judge not lest ye be judged. I agree with the philosophy behind that. We may have opinions of things but if we use those opinions of things to judge people who engage in those things, that is a negative thing, I feel. I don't enjoy submission, that's my opinion, but I don't judge people who do. Make sense? "Judge" is indeed a loaded word and I don't respond positively when people say they judge others. Ha, I am judging the word judge. So yes, you're right that we do this all the time, but it does have a negative connotation. "Opinion" at least signals that one believes there is room for other opinions and that one respects them. Judgement implies a lack of respect for others' choices.

142

GERIATRIC

When my grandfather died, my grandmother fell into a depression for 4 years. She moved into an elderly community condo in Minnesota, she was 75 years old. She was an avid cross country skier, looked like she was 60, kind and funny.

There was a dance at her complex, and this 80 year old guy came up to her and said, “hey spring chicken, want to dance?”

8 years later my grandmother passed away. But in that time, this guy made her alive again. They had travelled the world together, went on road trips for months through the entire US.

She was avid about always writing in her diary every night. When we got the diary after her funeral, we all read it and learned a little something new about our nice Midwestern grandmother.

After that dance and for years afterwards, she described her sex-life with this 80 year old guy as “explosive” “spontaneous” “the best sex of my life”(sorry granddad).

So stay hopeful, you could be the person with explosive and often sex with someone your age, and maybe make that person’s life worth living.

143

Friar Tuck gave good pragmatic suggestions.
BLAB is coming at this all wrong and with only self interest. Her beau and Susan are very old friends, and early in BLAB’s relationship with this man, he gave her this info, along with his and Susan’s minor sexual history together.
Old friends are important parts of anyone’s life, and this is where BLAB is not showing much care for this man, only concerned with her own reactions. Then talking about the relationship as an investment, suggests to me BLAB doesn’t know how intimacies work, and he is obviously pulling back from her by not including her in gatherings. It’s only a year long relationship, and not sounding too healthy.

144

A lovely story, WhatIf @142; cheeky grandmothers, not what they seem.

145

BLAB’s story and many assumptions shown in the comments, are to me perfect examples of how much pressure we put on our lovers.
Why wouldn’t he casually mention he has a long term friend who is a woman, and yes, before you ask, sexual contact occurred a quarter of a century ago. Setting his boundaries re who his friends are early in the piece.
So quickly assumptions of ownership come into sexual hetero relationships, and it’s a killer. Relationships are about people offering to each other, not demanding that one owes this and that.
I know how it works, having fallen prey to such in my youth, and beyond. Now, it strikes me as rude and unloving in any real sense, behaviour.
If BLAB has any chance of keeping this connection, then all concerns re Susan must drop. Emotionally, mentally and verbally.
Let it all go, back off behind the line he gave early on as a boundary, and keep having fun with him and wait. He’ll pick up she has backed off, emotionally and verbally, and will relax a bit. Invite her along, and there Susan is a person to admire and thank. She has kept this man as her friend and vice versa since college days, and such good friends are hard to come by.

146

Actually, I told the story wrong. It was my grandmother who went up to him, he was known as a nice guy through the complex, helping everyone, a retired and widowed OBGYN. My grandmother actually made the first move, she came up to him and said, “so I hear you’re the famous Jim W? My name’s Mary”.

That’s when he said, “Hey spring chicken, want to dance?”

Yea, cheeky grandmothers, we forget that the elderly were not born old, they were just as horny as the rest of us and hopefully still are.

147

Being a grandmother myself, WhatIf, and still horny, I can agree with your observation. Good on her, and great they had fun. And she wrote it all down, and then her family could see how much she enjoyed her life. Cool chick.

148

Venn, I do remember when the movie Philadelphia was a sign of positive change. It might be why I feel so strongly that people should be allowed to do whatever they want unless they are harming others, that going against tradition is not nearly enough to condemn an action. I also hope that people don’t forget, and allow history to repeat itself. And I hope you at least were able to see the firing as a problem with our culture, and believe that loving others is good, that only their consent is important and not some weird cultural authority which disagrees with who you “should” love..

BDF, I wanted you to say that you also thought the details of the story might feel “humiliating” because they were a reminder of a personal discomfort.. or at least say that you understood my reasoning even if you judged my conclusion to be unlikely. Or even just agree that it was his mistake to tell details instead of just the fact that they had hooked up.. But I’ll have to accept that my best shot didn’t work and you’d rather dismiss the word “humiliating” as irrelevant or mistaken, and accept the seemingly irrelevant story details as important to disclose. We seem to agree that her primary fear is unclear, at least. I’m glad I did understand that you have a problem with the word “judgement” more than that I am voicing my opinions on this forum. I’d rather keep the word and argue that opinions and judgements are personal rather than authoritative (unless they are legal opinions and judgements), we’re just different..

Erica, I also thought that it might be the way he is continuing to make only exclusive plans with Susan that primarily upsets BLAB.. And the way that he told her about the details and then refused to discuss them beyond saying “it’s none of your business”.. But others have pointed these problems out.. and it would take me a long time to explain the way I’d respond, I wouldn’t simply dtmfa if I loved him.

149

The only letter that engaged me was from GERIATRIC. I was thinking all week of my own encounters with older men, including one who was on the cusp of being a senior when we began and did reach geriatric status over 16 years (and I definitely had no complaints), but - in the end - Whatif's lovely memory teaches us that, if we see someone we want, we shouldn't sit on our hands.

And any geriatrics out there should work on staying active, engaged, and not stray into creepy PUA territory. Genuine charm can't be faked.