Iām a 29-year-old straight male. Iāve been with my 25-year-old partner for six years. I love her and think that we are perfect for each other. We have all the things that make existing with someone wonderful. But about two years into our relationship I had a two-week-long affair while I was out of the country. I fucked up. I came clean to my partner and weāve done our best to work through this over the last four years, but it has obviously caused some trust issues between us. Iāve never cheated it again and I try every day to work through these issues I caused in our relationship.
Thereās also been two recent instances of me breaking her trust. On a particularly stressful day I was caught sneaking a cigaretteāthe sneaking part is the issueāand on another occasion I did drugs in our communal back garden with...
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Iām a 29-year-old straight male. Iāve been with my 25-year-old partner for six years. I love her and think that we are perfect for each other. We have all the things that make existing with someone wonderful. But about two years into our relationship I had a two-week-long affair while I was out of the country. I fucked up. I came clean to my partner and weāve done our best to work through this over the last four years, but it has obviously caused some trust issues between us. Iāve never cheated it again and I try every day to work through these issues I caused in our relationship.
Thereās also been two recent instances of me breaking her trust. On a particularly stressful day I was caught sneaking a cigaretteāthe sneaking part is the issueāand on another occasion I did drugs in our communal back garden with a friend after she had gone to bed. I owned up to both straight away. I view both of these as being a symptom of the lockdown/pandemic prompting me to break with my ānormalā behavior. But partner is no longer comfortable allowing me to have the freedom to go out with my friends and partake in drugs without her express permission, which she already said sheās unlikely to grant me. The other element to this is, we want kids in three years. Weāve agreed that I will fully abstain from all drugs after we become parents.
My problem is that I trapped between a desire to meet the wants of my partner while also maintaining a degree of autonomy. When we discuss these mattersāwhich weāve been doing frequently latelyāher argument boils down to this: āYou did a bad thing, you need to make concessions so that I feel safe, you having to seek my permission makes me feel safe.ā Itās coming to loggerheads and I donāt know if Iām the unreasonable one here, especially since Iām arguing for the freedom to do an illegal drug. I would appreciate your external, outside, drug-positive perspective in this.
Donāt Really Understand Girlfriends Sentiment
I had some emergency dental work done this morning and Iām a little strung out onā¦ what are those things called again? Oh, right: drugs. Last night I selected the letters I wanted to respond to in this weekās column and I really didnāt expect to be on powerful painkillers when I sat down to write my responses today. In all honesty, I probably shouldnāt be operating advice machinery at the moment but deadlines are deadlines. You should take my advice with a grain silo or two of salt, DRUGS, and everyone else should just skip this weekās column entirely.
Okay! DRUGS! Here we go! My outside, external, drug-positive-but-with-caveats (see below) perspective on your dilemma boils down to this: Do not make babies with this woman. Donāt scramble your DNA together with hersānot unless it makes your dick hard to think about begging this woman for permission every time you wanna smoke a little pot with a friend or take a fucking shit for the next forty years. (And, trust me, youāre still going to want to smoke pot after the babies come.) If that kind of begging excites you, great. Have all the fucking babies. But if that doesnāt excite youā¦ dudeā¦ run the fuck away.
Yeah, yeah: you did a bad thing. You had an affair four years ago and you made the mistake of telling your girlfriend about it even though 1. she most likely was never going to find out about it and 2. you quickly came to regret it. Your regret wasnāt instantaneousālike you, DRUGS, your regret took a couple of weeks to comeābut the fact that you havenāt cheated on her since is a pretty good indication that your regret was sincere. And now here you are four years later, DRUGS, waking up every day and getting back to work on those trust issues. Because youāre still in trouble. Because you made the mistake of telling your girlfriend about an affair she would never have found out about if you had kept your mouth shut.
But you knowā¦ come to think of itā¦ maybe it was a good thing that you told your girlfriend about the affair, DRUGS. Not because honesty is always the best policy. The famed couples counselor and author and podcaster and Ted Talker Esther Perel urges people whoāve had affairs to consider the āburden of knowingā before they disclose. If you sincerely regret the affair and itās not going to happen again and your partner is not in any physical risk and is unlikely to hear about the affair from a third party, sparing them the burden of knowing is the second-most loving thing a person can do. (Not cheating at all would, of course, be the most loving thing a person can do.)
So to be clear, DRUGS, I donāt think telling your girlfriend was the right thing to do because all affairs must be disclosed. I think telling your particular girlfriend was the right thing to do because sheās telling on herself now. If she doesnāt feel like she can trust you ever againāand if sheās constantly on the lookout for new reasons why she canāt trust youāthen she needs to end this relationship. But she hasnāt ended the relationship, DRUGS, and you need to ask yourself why she hasnāt. I have a hunch: She hasnāt ended it because she likes it this way.
Someone who cheats and gets caught and discloses and wants to make it right can expect to spend some time, well, making it right. They should expect to spend some time in the doghouse and, to extend the metaphor, they should expect to spend some time on a short leash. But a person canāt spend the rest of their life in the doghouse. A cheater has to take responsibility and be considerate about insecurities the affair may have created or worsened. But if a cheater has done all that and years later the cheated wonāt let them out of the doghouseāor is constantly finding new reasons to keep the cheater in the doghouseāthen the doghouse is where the cheated wants the cheater. Forever. Which means instead of being angry you cheated on her, DRUGS, on some level your girlfriend is delighted you cheated on her. Because the wrong thing you did allows her to control you for the rest of your life.
But it shouldnāt. And if she insists it does or that it should, DRUGS, you should leave her.
About those caveats: You donāt specify the drug you used in the backyard with your friend but Iām gonna assume it was weedāwhich is legal where I live but not where you live. There is, of course, a big difference between stepping out to smoke a little pot after the girlfriend has gone to bed and sneaking out to smoke a lotta meth. And if youāre an addict and a little pot has led to a lot of harder drugs in the past, your girlfriendās zero tolerance policy might be justified. But if weāre not talking about hard drugs and you donāt have addiction issues, DRUGS, you shouldnāt have to beg your girlfriendās permission in advanceāwhich sheās denied in advanceāto smoke a little pot with a buddy.
Iāve been listening to old episodes of the Savage Lovecast while working from home. Yesterday I heard you explain to straight male listeners that their straight female partners would say āyesā to sex more often if āsexā didnāt always mean the woman getting fucked. That really resonated with me, a straight woman with a male partner. When my husband came onto me the next night and I didnāt feel like opening up to get basted, instead of saying ānoā I offered to jerk him off while he sucked my tits. It was greatāfor both of us! Total win! Thank you, Dan Savage!
Joyfully Enjoying Relevant Knowledge
Youāre welcome, JERK! Itās always nice to hear from folks whoāve taken my advice and didnāt regret it!
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