Cocky @201, that is absolutely fine for the time being. And the time being gets to be as long as you need. Give yourself whatever self care you need. Ice cream and a stupid movie are good choices for me. x

@206: Hey, CBU, only you knows what's best for you in any given moment. I am still always around should you want to talk.

Thinking of you, cockyballsup. I hear you on not wanting to throw people away, while still recognizing them as flawed people who have limited ability to be there when we turn to them.

I hope you remember that you also get to say no sometimes, when you aren't feeling up to dealing with them -- and that doesn't mean you would be throwing them away or cutting them out of your life.

∞

Late to the conversation here. Thanks again to DRUGS for the repeated checkins. And thanks to the whole commentariat for a really good discussion.

My only comment is in response to fubar: fubar seems really adamant about letting DRUGS know that DRUGS has to take more responsibility for / ownership of the affair four years ago. I pretty much agree with fubar fundamentally: this'll all go better if DRUGS can just say "this is something I did" rather than "this is something that happened."

It'll "go better" because it'll help DRUGS's gf trust him more, but also because it'll help himself trust himself more, which seems to be difficult for him (and for some other guys I've known who have been in situations like this). A person can't get better (at anything) when they've internalized the message "I have no control over myself! I might do anything! I need to be kept in line by someone else! It's the best I deserve!" etc.

However, the whole "man up and admit that YOU CAUSED THE SEX" vibe of fubar's comments feels off to me. Men should take responsibility, yeah, but they also shouldn't accept the (puritan / sex-negative) characterization of themselves as nonstop sex-seeking missiles. People make mistakes. Sex is sometimes a mistake, and people can make it for all sorts of reasons: for example, because they're lonely, drunk, sad, or under the influence of another person who's controlling. DRUGS has a history of controlling relationships, so it's not hard to imagine a scenario where DRUGS cheated because someone else really really wanted him to. (I'm not going to speculate any more about this because I don't want to drag DRUGS's past-cheating-partner through any mud. I'm just saying it would be weird for us, after we've all seen that DRUGS has a pattern of trouble setting boundaries in sexual relationships, to imagine that this affair was the one time DRUGS was totally in control.)

And DRUGS, if you're still reading, I'm not saying that you should now explain to us, or to your girlfriend, ever, WHY you had that affair. I'm not offering you excuses (nor do I think you're looking for them), and I'm not asking you to provide them. I'm saying, I don't really agree with fubar's implied suggestion that there's still some responsibility for this affair that you're refusing to take. I think you've taken responsibility, apologized, done penance, etc. If you want to find some sentence structures to speak with (like "I did this" rather than "I succumbed to this") that better reflect the fact that you've taken all those steps, go for it, it might indeed help. But I certainly don't think the problem here is that you've somehow failed so far to beat yourself up enough up the affair, and I don't think the solution is for you to find some new, as-yet-untried way to beat yourself up more.