Savage Love

Switched On



Let's the double-hunsky suspense begin. When will @200 finally show up?


Opalescsent @198,

Your advice that FINDAMN veto his relationship with this particular findomme is good advice for couples considering a segue from cheating to polyamory. “Now that I’ve discovered that you’ve been cheating on me for three years, you want us to have a polyamorous relationship? Fine, we can talk about that, but your current lover is vetoed going forward.” Absolutely. “We have a polyamorous marriage but my spouse doesn’t know” is not a thing and you do not want to encourage the lying jerk to think it is. The current lover is clearly also cool with lying. Not on.

I’m not sure the situations are analogous.

For you and your sub they would be. You both know he is a sub. Your relationship is F/m. He also participates in a transactional F/m relationship. If he’d been lying to you about that relationship then it would make sense not to trust any part of that and to veto it.

But FINDAMN and Mr FINDAMN do not have an F/m relationship. The relationship with the findomme is completely outside the marital relationship. It would be a little more like... Mr FINDAMN discovers that his wife gets orgasms from listening to the sounds of her hair being snipped and she tips the hairdresser extra to use the special snippy scissors and to play Ariana Grande. Like... what? That’s a thing? And why didn’t I know about her aural fetishes before?

Yes they need to talk, but I wouldn’t assume that Mr FINDAMN could only relax if she got a different hairdresser to wield those special snippy scissors and play Ariana Grande for her. I wouldn’t assume her professional relationship with her hairdresser posed any threat to the marriage at all. I’m with BiDanFan on this one: ain’t broke, don’t fix.

I mean, if she wants to incorporate findomme into their marriage and keep it monogamous then yes, the pro has to go. But if she doesn’t? Or he doesn’t? Why would this particular provider be more of a threat than a new one?


I think it's more like she has been going to get some personal handwritten erotica and some snippy snippy. Yeah the service people are just trying to make a few bucks and there's no inappropriate touching, but still they know they are sometimes doing sex work with married people. Is it reasonable of them to expect loyalty? Or if the spouse is very attached to a particular professional, is that a good reason to continue after the secret came out? He may feel like he needs a sort of outside attachment to feel happily married, and resentful about having to find a new findomme. I think whatever she wants or whatever they decide is fine as long as they are just calmly and honestly explaining what they want or what they can accept in the long term.


Who won the Double Hunsky?


@200 fubar: WA-HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Major congrats to fubar, whose magic touch scores this week's Double Hunsky! Savor your double prizes and bask in the envied glory, found only here in Savage Love Land. :)


@Alison 201 -- I feel like what Opal is saying is that this particular findomme could represent/ be a reminder of the whole deceitful aspect of the situation, so to be able to be accepting with the situation, it should have to be with someone who doesn't conjure up feelings of betrayal and pain -- if so, I get that.


@205 "accepting of" (obviously.) It might be easier to accept some sort of outside findomme relationship if it is not linked to the whole lies and deceit thing that has been going on -- this is what I was trying to say. I am tired and a little drunk.


Opal @198: "However, FINDAMN doesn't know this FinDomme."
She sort of does. She's read three years' worth of messages between her and her husband. She knows her as well as he does.

"They have never interacted."
They could. She has her contact details. The Domme may be happy to exchange a few messages with the wife in order to keep the husband as a client.

"She might be able to trust her not to meet her husband in person. She probably can't trust her husband with [her]."
If she can't trust her husband not to want to meet this FinDomme, she can't trust him not to want to meet any FinDomme. And I think she can trust him to not want to meet. She's read three years' worth of messages; did he ask her to meet? If not, he's proven he doesn't want to. (If so, this is a completely different negotiation they may have to have, which may result in a DTMFA.)

"I would ask him to take at least 2 or 3 months off of interacting with other people sexually or on a D/s basis." That sounds reasonable. He should definitely shelve this until they've worked out the issues surrounding his deception and until she's comfortable with the idea of his having submissive desires and outsourcing them. But that's the goal they should be working towards, IMO, not shutting down this side of him.

"I don't know how FINDAMN feels." Nope, nor do I, and if she feels the way you do then of course she should take the approach you're suggesting. I just think that if she does feel the way you do, she's probably not going to be comfortable with his seeing a different FinDomme either. So for his and the Domme's sake, I hope she can come to feel the way I do! :)

"Let's say it was the other way around. Mr. FINDAMN came across three years worth of erotica she had written about her hairdresser and/or her personal trainer." I don't think that's the same thing for the same reason FINDAMN doesn't think they're the same thing. The hairdresser or trainer did not sign on to be her wank fodder, and they would probably be squicked by her crossing, even in her own mind, this professional boundary. Whereas a FinDom relationship is explicitly sexual. He IS supposed to be wanking over this woman; she's aware of this, and charging him accordingly.

It seems like I'm thinking about three people here, and you're only thinking about one.

Alison @201, exactly, thank you.

Phi @202: "He may feel like he needs a sort of outside attachment to feel happily married, and resentful about having to find a new findomme."
Exactly. Either she forgives him or she doesn't, and if she does, but adds a string to it, then it's not really forgiveness. I agree with Alison that this is not analogous to an affair. The partner in an affair knew they were participating in something unethical, that's why they should go. The Domme has not done anything unethical so why should she get the boot?

As for whether the Domme should expect loyalty from any customer, sure, I guess any regular customer could leave at any time for any reason -- spouse found out, financial situation changed, they just got bored and wanted novelty so they moved on. If this is an every-other-month thing, he's probably not the only thing keeping her from homelessness. If he did ditch her, she'd probably be fine. So the only issue is Mr FINDAMN's probable resentment getting in the way of a full resolution to this problem.

Snowflake @205, okay, I get that. This wasn't an affair; she didn't do anything wrong; but FINDAMN may feel emotions rather than logic and think that it feels like an affair and she can't accept the continuing presence of this woman in his sex life. If so, do you suggest she vets future FinDoms? Because it could be out of the frying pan and into the fire if he has to find a new one. I'd be happy proposing this as a condition of forgiveness. That would make it analogous to the cheating-morphing-into-polyamory situation Alison describes.


@192. Erica. If the husband has made clear what his budget is for payments and then passed over the lead to his Domme to charge within those parameters, then that is not topping from the bottom--yes. I was considering whether he had misled her on what he could sanely afford.

If there's no element of being uncomfortably put out of pocket by the sex work, nothing would seem to distinguish paying a sex worker and getting Findommed--wouldn't you say?

@199. Opalescent. I don't think FINDAMN and her husband had (before her discovery) an explicit conversation about boundaries. At most, I would guess that the parameters for this kind of conversation were his being Dominant and her subby--the discussion may have touched on things like 'will you wear blindfold?'. (That is, he hasn't introduced that there's a whole other side to his sexual character). Right now she might be reeling and perhaps have a sense of herself being without power--but almost certainly one of the things that will ensue is a conversation where they draw up mutually acceptable boundaries for how he will get his subbing, humiliation or paypig needs met. Will she have a role in meeting them or will they be separate from the couple's sex life?

We maybe don't have a sense at this stage of how this conversation will go, but I would think it would be reasonable for her to insist on his getting humiliated on a whole new basis (including my someone else). A risk could be perhaps escalating a behavior of his that proves hard to manage--i.e. before he wasn't a paypig, there was just something he did with this one person (in his mind); then, after she ruptures that connection, it becomes a confirmed proclivity that he has to do....

@197. venn. We would be back to our difference of views whether 'the G' is a solidary body in and of itself, or whether it's internally differentiated by e.g. age and race to the degree it's the Q anyway. Or would be the Q without any consideration of allyship with lesbians, e.g., or of the nature of the effeminate or femme men and transwomen / proto-transwomen, who have always been part of gay male scenes.


@201. Alison. It's desirable that the lw avoids getting gaslit into being told that her husband's transactional relationship is not emotionally invested (if this is not true), and that his motivation for not telling her was not to bother her (and to keep their good thing sexually going). And that the reason he isn't paying his Findomme that much that he has his fetish under control, and that he was preserving the health of the marital finances. She should not get into a state of mind where she's disposed to accept any of these things if they are not true. Or even if she suspects, she feels intuitively, that they are not true.

They may well be true ... but they are not evidently true to me. She very well might be the person with whom her husband can get away with things--the person he can give the runaround. She would be well-advised to go into any discussion with a blazing sense of indignation, 'you cheated on me! What are you going to do about it!?'. Dan's answer about zones of erotic autonomy and any presupposition he'll be holding onto his relationship with the Domme would seem to me to deny her this sense of righteousness.


The person whose views we don't know enough about to propose a solition, imv, is Mr FINDAMN--what was his reaction to getting caught? There's very little in the letter about this.... Is he guilty or remorseful? Is he saying he won't do it again (presumably not), is he brazening it out and saying the humiliation is his own business? In the lw's shoes, I would want him to acknowledge he cheated. Even before we need to know whether she's up for switching, we need to know the minimum he's prepared to accept by way of subbing.


Grizelda @195 thanks for the good wishes!

Snowflake @205, 206
Precisely! I thought I was clear about that, but perhaps I phrased it wrong?


Alison @201, BiDanFan @207

If you would want your partner to continue going to the same FinDomme in this situation, that's absolutely fine!

Accusing FINDAMN of being "petty" comes across to me as pressuring and shaming her, very unfairly.

"Either she forgives him or she doesn't, and if she does, but adds a string to it, then it's not really forgiveness."

This also comes across to me as saying she's unreasonable if she wants him to change to a different FinDomme. It's also claiming that you know better than she does whether or not she has forgiven him.

"Why would this particular provider be more of a threat than a new one?"

She isn't necessarily more of a threat, in terms of meeting Mr FINDAMN in person,or him divorcing FINDAMN to be with her.

He may be having an emotional affair with her, even if it is one-sided. FINDAMN can't read his mind to know how he actually feels. She can't trust him to tell her, because he's been hiding this from her for three years.

She is associated with all of the negative feelings FINDAMN has about this situation. Forgiving him and figuring out how to accommodate his submissive needs is tough enough, without three years of baggage.


Alison @201 Philophile @202 BiDanFan @207
If my submissive had also been paying a male dominant, would it have nothing to do with my relationship with him, because the other person is a man?

I would want him to find a different man to dominate him. One who wasn't associated with the deception and breach of trust. Likewise if he was paying a woman to submit to him.


Alison @201 Philophile @202 BiDanFan @207
If he's resentful about it, then that indicates he is inappropriately emotionally connected with this FinDomme. I don't see any distinction between this, and him continuing with a partner after an affair.

Alison said that the distinction is that the affair partner is cool with the lying. We don't know whether the FinDomme knows he's married and is keeping a secret. If so, she is just as implicted as being "cool with his lying".

If someone has an affair with someone who he didn't tell he was married, or claimed it was an open relationship, she wouldn't be party yo his deceit.
His wife would still be justified in vetoing her as a potential polyamorous partner, even though she's innocent of being involved in the deception.

If he needs to be emotionally attached to the FinDomme he patronizes, that does make it trickier. That falls more under the umbrella of polyamory.

I still think it's fine for FINDAMN to veto his continuing in this online D/s relationship, if that helps her heal.

BiDanFan yes, I am primarily focused on FINDAMN her feelings. a) she is the one who wrote in, b) her husband is in the wrong by being deceptive.

I do think his feelings and needs matter. I think FINDAMN will need to come to terms with his financial submission in order to save their relationship.

However, they need to approach it in a way that causes as little additional emotional harm to her as possible. He's the one who needs to prove she can trust him again.

I don't think the FinDomme's feelings are as important here. She's being paid, not interacting with him because she's in love with him. Service professionals, sex workers or not, have customers leave. It's part of being in business.


Alison @201, Philophile @202, BiDanFan @207
It's reasonable to want ones partner to get a different service professional if they have any sexual or D/s or other inappropriate emotional attachment.

Even if it's completely one-sided. Even if the professional doesn't know the person feels that way about them. They're not to blame, it isn't a punishment.

It's about avoiding temptation. Getting over the emotional involvement. Showing their partner they are the priority. Rebuilding trust.


Harriet @208 - I don't have this findom fetish in my life, so I don't know the important criteria for most people who do. You claim it's important not to mislead the findom about one's finances; you claim it's important to feel "uncomfortably put out of pocket." I don't know if those are actually important, or just how an outsider might view the fetish.

nothing would seem to distinguish paying a sex worker and getting Findommed

We don't actually know that he has a findom fetish. He may have a degradation fetish, and finds this findom a convenient person to get his "degrading personalized videos" from, because she doesn't pressure him to meet in person. All we know is that he pays a woman to send him videos, and she calls herself a FinDom.


me @216 - that middle line "nothing would seem to distinguish paying a sex worker and getting Findommed" was a quote from Harriet.


Harriet @209, 210
After 3 years, I think it's a confirmed proclivity! I don't think he will stop wanting degradation if he no longer patronizes this FinDomme.

I think it would be counterproductive for FINDAMN to approach her husband with anger and righteous indignation. Right now, she mostly seems hurt and bewildered.

Ideally, they will discuss it as calmly and reasonably as possible. It's an emotionally charged situation, so I don't blame her if she yells or cries.

I think she should try to work through those emotions, maybe with help from a couples therapist. Then, approach negotiating with as clear a mind and as much calmness as she can muster.

BiDanFan @207
Yes, I think he should be ok with her vetting the new FinDomme, if she wants to. Or, setting parameters for him to search within (ie. not on the same continent). Maybe letting her read any messages, if that's what she needs to reestablish trust.


BiDanFan, if all I had read from you was your posts back and forth with Lava Girl, would you say I know you? 😉


I suppose the idea that FINDAMN would conclude that being findommed is OK but that he should drop this particular FinDomme smacks to me of the deplorable, but common, phenomenon whereby a woman catches her husband or partner cheating, forgives him, and blames/punishes the Other Woman. That's unfair and sexist. I understand the feeling behind it -- the cucked wife has positive feelings for her husband and negative feelings about the cheating, but no positive feelings toward the Other Woman to balance out the negative feelings about the cheating. She can hate the Other Woman with no cost to herself, while hating her husband has a huge emotional cost. She's angry and it's easier to direct that anger at the person she doesn't love, the person who means nothing to her. It's understandable, but irrational and illogical. I guess the question here is, should FINDAMN follow her emotions or her logic when it comes to this decision? Opal and Snowflake think she should follow her emotions, while Alison and I say her logic.


@216. Erica. I don't in fact know any Findom(me) clients. They wouldn't frequent my scene (most likely). So this is somewhere I'd be interested in a heads-up from a sub in this way.

Intuitively I think there's a difference between paying a sex worker the going rate i.e. a fair price and having a sexual investment in being exploited financially. It would seem one of those 'it has to hurt in some way to be hot' things I am more familiar with--it has to entail the sacrifice of e.g. going on holiday for one rather than two weeks, staying in a three-star rather than five-star hotel, e.g.; and lots in the paypig's life that isn't naturally sexual gets pleasurably, or pleasurably-painfully, eroticised. I can also sort-of identify with its being hot that a paypig cheating on his (here 'his') partner has her unknowingly cop some of the consequences of his financial sacrifices--like have her working out in a smelly public gym, rather than a private gym, or have to share her personal trainer with another woman or person. But he doesn't seem to have exercised power or his passivity and gotten himself off in this way.

You are right that we don't know whether he likes being financially dominated, or only says that he does, or even doesn't actually say he does. His thing may just be the humiliation.


@218 Opalescent. I didn't mean that she should act self-righteous and get up on a high horse. Of course she should be clear and calm. But she should go into the discussion sure of her ground and determined not to be gaslit. If her husband says the videos he paid for were nothing like cheating, for instance, she should be able to say that (with the deception) she feels cheated on.

I didn't think he would be likely to be able to give up the degradation either, but this waits on him.


@220. Bi. Sticking with this Findomme might not be logical or rational, though. It could send him the message he can get away with keeping her in the dark. FINDAMN has the future dynamics of her relationship to consider (which she can project better than we can).


Opal @212-@215, apologies, these comments did not appear when I wrote my @220.

@212, I didn't accuse FINDAMN of being petty, because FINDAMN didn't suggest allowing the findomming to continue but not with this Domme. (Before you jump on me again, I'm also not calling you petty; I'm saying -that suggestion- sounds petty.)

"It's also claiming that you know better than she does whether or not she has forgiven him." Nope, we don't know yet whether she's forgiven him. We also don't know whether she should, because we don't know what his response has been to this. (Also, "should," just like every other part of this discussion, is a matter of opinion.)

@214: "We don't know whether the FinDomme knows he's married and is keeping a secret. If so, she is just as implicted as being "cool with his lying"." I disagree. Most sex workers are aware that a large proportion of their clients are married, and that not all of them have permission. They are not morally obligated to turn away a huge part of their client base.

"If he's resentful about it, then that indicates he is inappropriately emotionally connected with this FinDomme." Nah. It just means that, like Alison said, it ain't broke. I don't know how hard it is to find a good FinDomme who understands and caters for your needs well enough to keep up a business relationship for three years. My impression is that it must not be very easy. If someone were to demand that you get, say, a new lawyer or therapist, you'd resent that, wouldn't you? It wouldn't mean you were in love with your lawyer, it would just mean they're a good lawyer and you don't want to have to find a new one.

"He's the one who needs to prove she can trust him again." Good point that the price of his deceit may be having to sacrifice an arrangement that is good for him. What I hope you can see is that the current arrangement is good -for FINDAMN, too-. Do you see that? Might she see it?

EricaP @216, I agree "FinDomme" might not be the most accurate term for what's going on, but that it also doesn't matter. She's charging him significant but not unaffordable amounts of money and sending him custom degradation videos in return. Whether you call that FinDomming or just Domming or just sex work, I don't think matters.

Opal @219, I'd say you know me quite a bit better than I know some of my metamours.

Harriet @223, I don't think it would send that message. In fact, it would send the opposite -- "I know what you're doing and whom you're doing it with. Let's keep it that way, and everything will be fine."


Opal, not sure what you are addressing to me? I don't think that either your suggestions or BDF's sound unreasonable. I only disagree that is reasonable to know what would best serve the letter writer, tolerating or divorcing, new or old or no findomme, open to some online or in person sex on both sides or one side or none, etc. Because we don't know her preferences or priorities. If they can't figure out some plan that makes them both happy, they'll eventually divorce. Better to try to work on a new plan if a spouse tosses the old, but if they can't say they want the same things anymore, they might as well start looking for what they want now

Agree that if he needs outside attachment, a mistress or specific domme, many women are going to feel intolerant. Men tend to worry that they might raise another's child, about reproductive sex, while women may be more worried that he's going to want to shack up with someone else someday, about how intimate or attached he gets with others. Or maybe not since some women have sperm and some men have wombs.

I think it's more important that they stay honest with each other, and true to themselves, than whether the marriage ultimately survives or ends. He should insist on keeping this domme if he can't stop without resentment, and whether she insists on seeing others too or ending the marriage or just trying to tolerate the bad surprises from her husband, I think she'll be OK if she's being true to herself, no matter what anyone else might choose to do in her situation.


M?? Harriet - Your team is winning; don't demand that my team should start cheerleading for you.

I could say more, but earlier today I was taking a question about why so many people on my team and on yours dislike the idea of conversion therapy, and I am still feeling frosty about it. I think we just have to accept that, while we shall agree on occasion, our teams are enemies and shall always be so.


BiDanFan @220, 224
I misspoke. If FINDAMN does decide that she is ok with her husband being financially dominated by another woman, but not this one, for emotional reasons, you think that would be petty of her. Not to mention, deplorable, illogical, irrational, and punishing the FinDomme.

Since she hasn't said yet how she is going to handle it, you aren't claiming that she is being any of those things. I also wanted to confirm that I don't think you believe she would hypothetically have any of those as character traits, only with respect to this specific situation.

Your opinion is that if I insist my submissive find a new sex worker if it turns out he has been hiding going to a professional male dominant or female submissive, I would be doing so for deplorable, petty, illogical, and irrational reasons. In your opinion, it would be punishing the male pro-Dom or female pro-sub in question unfairly.

However, you don't think that any of those are my character traits in general, just about this specific issue.

Is that accurate? I don't want to misrepresent what you are saying, but it's entirely possible I misunderstood.

I didn't suggest that she should handle it the same way as I would. Nor do I know how she feels about it.

I have no issue with your giving her advice based on how you would handle it. I am worried she might feel a bit hurt by the way you phrased your objections.

It's entirely possible that FINDAMN will see the same advantages as you and Alison do. I don't necessarily agree with you that it's a good idea. Nor do I disagree with you about what she should do. It just isn't advice that would work for me.

I believe I understand your perspective: she has ruled out meeting in person, and FINDAMN knows everything that happened between them.

Most decisions include some degree of emotions and some percentage of logic. I think the decision on whether or not to get Covid vaccination should be heavily weighted toward logic, rather than emotion, for example.

A decision about whether to allow my partner to continue seeing a sex worker professionally after hiding it for three years is one I personally would weight heavily toward emotions. Other people have different ratios.


Philophile @225
I think we're mostly in agreement. If he is resentful of FINDAMN if she asks him to find a new FinDomme, he has to decide whether it's a dealbreaker. If they trade ultimatums, and there's no room for compromise, they may need to get divorced.

Hopefully it won't come to that. FINDAMN seems like a sensible woman. I believe she still loves him and wants to continue as his submissive and wife.

Hopefully, between Dan's advice, the comments if she reads them, marital counseling, etc, they will build an agreement that meets both of their needs.

I don't claim to know what is best for FINDAMN or how she feels. I just hope that if she reads the comments, she can feel that they are compassionate and respectful toward her.


BiDanFan @220
I'm not sure how gendered it is. Men blame the Other Man as well. They are more likely to threaten violence about it than women are.

To me, I would say the Other Woman/Man (in general, not this FinDomme) are about 10-20% culpable when they knowingly have an affair with a married person.

They aren't the one who broke their promises. They're far less likely to actively deceive the spouse or partner. I still think it's unethical. The bulk of the responsibility is on the cheater.


Hope LavaGirl is okay -- she hasn't posted at all this week or last.


Phi @225: "I don't think that either your suggestions or BDF's sound unreasonable." Thank you. It's her decision, and she now has two suggestions to weigh. I have made my case for keeping the FinDomme; clearly it hasn't convinced everyone, but that's to be expected.

Opal @228, I'd appreciate words not being put in my mouth. You have indeed misunderstood and are making a mountain out of a molehill. I can only conclude I've hit a nerve here. This isn't a big deal to me; as I've said above, I've made my case, you disagree, I respect your right to disagree, let's move on.

Opal @229, I agree, which is why I'm 100% in agreement with Alison's hypothetical situation wherein a cheating spouse is asked to dump an affair partner, and agree that that situation is different from FINDAMN's.


To clarify my point as I seem to have been misinterpreted. In no way is she obligated to give this FinDomme her blessing. In no way is she obligated to do anything -- she can dump him if she wants. It is her decision. She has facts I don't. My only point was from a practical standpoint, IF she decides she's OK with his being FinDommed, this particular FinDomme seems a good choice because she has been able to keep things discreet, professional and reasonably priced for three years, and there's no guarantee that a different FinDomme would tick these boxes. This FinDomme is a known quantity; a different FinDomme is a risk, and she should consider this before acting on her emotions. I hope my opinion is now clear.


Ms Fan - Agreed that FD1 at least has established herself as a Known Quantity. Maybe the Happy Ending would be for FD1 to decide to discontinue now that LW1 knows about it, but to be able to refer H1 to an acquaintance as ethical as herself.


I'm fascinated by the whole FINDOM thing. Did the husband intend for wife to find out so he would be shamed? Does he secretly get off knowing wife spends big $$$ on beauty and personal trainers? Would husband be constantly aroused if he found out wife was getting VERY personal training? I'm thinking there's a lot to be explored here.


"And while my husband has never complained about what I spend on a personal trainer or my hair or body treatments (admittedly a lot), this is obviously different because he's masturbating over these videos."
It's different in two other ways too:
1) It's likely he personally enjoys the results of the trainer, hair, and body treatments if they're things that make you hotter to him (toned body that has more strength, flexibility, and cardio endurance for sex stuff, nice hair, soft clear skin, etc.)
2) He's always known that you have a trainer, hair stylist, massage therapist, aesthetician, whatever else.


A new column is up.


BiDanFan @231, 232
I didn't think you were saying that she is obligated to let her husband keep being FinDomme1's client.

I thought you were saying that if FINDAMN or someone else in her circumstances decided not to, for emotional reasons, their decision would be (that list of things). However, they would not be (that list of things as a person, as character traits).

I'm still genuinely unsure if that is what you meant or not. I'm not hurt by what you said. I was worried that FINDAMN might be.

I appreciate your phrasing your advice in positive terms, and I believe I understand your perspective.

I don't share it, but that's fine! FINDAMN has advice from more than one framing, and she can choose what suits her situation best.

Ven @233
A referral is a great idea, if they choose to go with someone else! Either from FinDomme1, or from other financial submissives (on FetLife/etc).