'If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it firdt thing in the morning. And if it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one firked'

Firkt?!

Nope, Curious continues to reign as the undefeated Firkt Champion.

You gotta be quick around here!

Dan took STIFFED's "button to push" a bit more literally than was optimal. I was expecting instead Dan's standard 'use your hands too' advice that got limited to one sentance.

@fubar
It took me a whole seven minutes this time, it was there for the taking!

@FMF
Plus, I'm getting low on quotes so I'm considering announcing a firkt retirement.

Oh, and STIFFED:
"I don't want to talk with him about this because I don't want to make him self-conscious."

It's good not to ask him to rush. But that doesn't necessarily mean there's nothing you can say.

Because it's possible he thinks you want it to take as long as it does, and he prolongs it for your benefit. I admit this is a lot less likely for oral than for vaginal, but still, if anyone more diplomatic than me (which is many people) can figure out a way to let him know that he needn't prolong it for STIFFED's benefit, that could be good.

It not like he's not gonna notice that hands will become part of the process. And as Dan has said a million times about BJ givers not up for all the length inside the mouth, wet hands are apparently about the same.

(I understand that Dan must be bored of doing the same routine many times, but more of the same routine would have been helpful in addition to the mention that some have a literal button.)

I think it's fine for STIFFED to suggest new techniques to enhance her blowjobs without saying she wants to speed things up. If he's open to butt-play, I'd just start experimenting and see what's fun.

She could also borrow from the other letter and add a vibrator into the mix. I recommend letting him hold a vibe against his taint & balls while you blow him, or you can hold it yourself. (And another vibe for you might help you enjoy the process even more!)

For the second letter (VIBE-guy), I was struck by this sentence:
"She thinks everything is fine and that we're soul mates, friends, lovers, etc., but I feel like her lowest priority."

Dan's advice about the vibrator was solid, but if the guy hasn't yet let his wife know that he feels like a low priority, it's well past time to do so. That conversation should be about love languages and connection and listening to each other without interrupting -- not about the vibrator.

For DRESS, I really don't know why you would need to comment on what your son wears. Do you point out if he wears jeans rather than slacks, or how he styles his hair?

Just let him be, beyond saying he looks good if he looks like he went to some effort.

If the "jokes" motivating his outfits start feeling forced, you could have a conversation to say "you know you can wear whatever you like, right?" I just don't see the benefit of labeling him a "cross-dresser," unless you hear him say he identifies as one.

OMG! I hope the first LW has short nails or Ouchamagoucha! And lube! Lots and lots of lube...

Stiffed, you could also try swallowing on the head. Ask him what he’d really like, but tell him any limits beforehand.

Vibeq,Try to appreciate that at least your wife still has a libido and offer to join in by touching yourself, with a fleshlight, or with your own vibe.

Dress, the right words are ones that make you and your son comfortable. I’d suggest using the same descriptive words that he does if he brings it up, if they don’t make you uncomfortable. So long as he’s not hurting anyone or breaking the rules, he can do what he likes, right?

First letter writer, if your guy is nervous about anal play, you can provide some external simulation to the prostate by stroking and eventually pressing firmly on the taint. The pressing firmly will only work when they are very hard and turned on, but once they are it adds a lot of intense sensation without the requirement for lube or triggering of gay panic in straight guys.

Blood jobs are great but here are a few more tips to spice things up and maybe get her guy to the finish line faster. Put some warm water in your mouth then start to blow him. I've had pros do this and it's great. Make eye contact while going down. My wife moans and makes gagging sounds, the effect is it drives me wild sand I nut faster.

A2 is fine as far as it goes. It's just that L2 should have been written about the time that Ms Graf was completing the only Golden Slam back in 1988. Each passing year has put more bricks in the wall and made it harder to knock down. I'm almost inclined to go with Ms Lava's favourite dictum and suppose that LW2 might be in a condition to benefit from mechanical assistance. Otherwise, why write now? Their having plodded on for well over three decades with such differing apparent views of the state of their union seems highly Gentile Country Club Set, which would suggest that they aren't likely to thaw out in the course of a few conversations.

@curious2: How about "firdkt in war, firdt in peace, frisk in the hearts of his countrymen?"

I can't decide whether LW3 is too woke to be true or if L3 just oozes so much Woke Privilege that one would expect most fifteen-year-olds to react by posing as full fascists. LW3 does give off an aura of Patty Chase updated for the 2020's, not really a bad thing but way too bent on perfection.

I might enjoy having LW3 on the witness stand, as plenty of questions spring to mind. My first thought was that S3 might have a British way of thinking about wearing dresses. Then I began to wonder whose dresses and makeup he's wearing. LW3's? his sister's? his own? and whether there isn't any issue unmentioned there. It's quite plausible that S3's conduct never bothered his father, but one does wonder with such a tightly-wound LW whether they are anywhere near equal parents or whether LW3 runs the parenting and D3 just goes along, knowing better than to offer an opinion. Is S3 really expressing himself or trying to get a reaction that never comes? While the thought of there never having been a gendered toy in the home (although LW3 has no problem gendering clothing) gives off the air of a police state, I do congratulate LW3 on having raised her children on (I shall take a liberty here) playing bridge. I wish L3 had given a location, as "friends across the spectrum of sexual and gender identities" seems the sort of thing that, even if things go well and we reverse the current backlash among the young, which I don't expect to happen, should be several decades away from being common. How many fifteen-year-olds even know that many peers across the entire spectrum? let alone have such an eclectic collection of friends? and how much of that is real and not just what S3 is presenting to LW3 or what she's choosing to believe?

Her concern is good, but feels overdone. Pushing could well send people running screaming in the opposite direction.

LW1~ you’re making a common mistake by thinking you can’t talk to your guy about finishing faster. You’ve GOTTA be able to talk about sex if you want to have better sex, and that goes for both of you. So, just say, “I love sucking your cock, WANT to do it as part of our repertoire, but honestly, it’s hard on me to keep it up (pun intended) for extended periods of time. I’ll give it the old college try, but PLEASE help me out and come before my jaw locks and we have to bring in the paramedics with my face embedded in your crotch. Unless your guy is a selfish prick with a selfish prick, he should be just as concerned with YOUR pleasure as you are with his. I don’t want MY gal to have to “put up” with a tiresome task, I want her to love it, and I’d be more than happy to get the shorter blowjobs if it means she doesn’t feel like it’s a chore, ‘cause that’s poison in the long run. I’m no expert on all guys, but I can definitely come faster if I want to. Ask him what tricks you could use for him. Oh, and think about getting a vibrating butt plug that you can BOTH use (but not switching asses without thorough cleaning).

LW1: Not all blow jobs are to completion. Suck his cock until you don’t want to any more, then do something else. Fucking, maybe. Flip him over and eat his ass. My favourite is to snuggle in, suck his tits and tell him how hot he is while he beats himself off. Check out ohjoysextoy.com for reviews of toys to play with.

LW2: Speaking of toys... Dan, from my point of view you have it completely backwards. A vibrator buzzes the external clit. A penis or dildo massages the internal clit. What exactly do you envision the classic bullet vibe or hitachi magic wand doing for the internal clit???

While some insertion toys vibrate, when LW2 simply refers to “it” as a vibrator, why do you assume it’s an insertion toy?

@1 curious2: WA-HOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Congrats on unsurprisingly scoring this week's "firkt" FIRDT! honors yet again! You indeed hold the Savage Love column record for consistently scoring the first comment of the thread. Kudos, and savor the glory of leading the thread. :)

@3 fantastic_mrs_fox: WA-HOOOOOOOOOO!!! Hearty congrats on scoring SECNOD (and THIRDT!) honors! Bask in the glory of being among the first commenters. :)

@4 fubar: Yes indeed, you have gotta be quick to nail the lucky numbers. Meanwhile, WA_HOOOOOOOO!!! I offer you heartfelt congratulations on hitting FOURTH! this week. :)

Commenters will have to be lightning fast to out FIRDT! curious2, who now holds the all-time consistently FIRDT! (firkt) record. :)

@1 curious2 and @15 nocutename: How about "If at firkt you don't succeed, try Lucky @69"?

A couple additional thoughts for LW1:

It's possible that the BF would like to come sooner. Perhaps the GF can phrase this as a positive.

On the other hand, absolutely ask first (as Dan recommended) about prostate massage. If nothing else, there are those of us who find it painful, and not in a good way.

LW2: “Her priorities: family, job, "it," then me. She thinks everything is fine and that we're soul mates, friends, lovers, etc., but I feel like her lowest priority.”

Interesting. Her kids and her job need her—they are obligations. Her job and “it” are rewarding—they provide recognition, money, orgasms.

Are you an obligation, or are you rewarding?

Presumably your wife isn’t drywalling her vibrator 37.5 hours per week or packing lunches for it. Say she spends half an hour per day masturbating. Does she spend half an hour per day on you? Does she talk to you, watch tv with you, cook for you, fix your plumbing, do your laundry, care for your children, make you call your brother? Would you miss her if she moved out? Would you notice?

I can have a nice stress-relieving orgasm with my vibrator in ten minutes or less. It’s about getting to sleep quickly, not romance.

I rarely suggest couples therapy but I’m going to suggest it for you. You describe your disconnect in very odd terms, which are probably different from how your wife would describe your marriage. I think you guys might benefit from some help making yourselves vulnerable, expressing yourselves and listening well.

Also: are you good in bed?

I think letter writer 2 is saying a common issue in a really weird way by making the vibrator the embodiment of it: he is feeling unfulfilled sexually and knows his wife is using the vibrator plenty (suggesting she has a libido) and that it takes away from sex with him (as if it is a zero-sum game, and he's losing it to the vibrator).

I would say don't hedge around your issues or blame semi-inanimate objects. If you feel your wife is neglecting your needs, really think about whether your expectations are reasonable, and then discuss your feelings with your wife. If it is specifically your sexual needs that you believe are being neglected, really think about if you're giving as much (or more) than you're expecting, and try to work out some kind of compromise with your wife. Make sure both your needs are met.

And about the vibrator... her vibrator is not a higher priority than anything. Her vibrator doesn't have demands. It's not like she can't eat dinner with you because she has to use her vibrator on a schedule or it will leave or break. The real priority list her is family, job, HERSELF, then you. The vibrator might be a comfort, or a release, or just something she enjoys for herself. Her vibrator could just as easily be crocheting, or video games, or a book club, or drinking alone in a dark room, but whatever it is, it's something she does purely for her. And I get it, that if you both watch TV and movies together, and if her thing to do herself was watch movies, you might be upset if she's watched everything by herself so you don't have anything to watch together (if you get the analogy). But that doesn't mean she shouldn't watch stuff by herself, just that you both need to set aside time to watch stuff together that you both want to watch.

So the vibrator is not your problem. The vibrator has nothing to do with you. If your issue is that your sexual needs are not being met, that is your problem, and it is up to both of you to address it (and if she feels she needs to cut down on the vibrator to let some libido build, that's up to her to decide if that's something that would help).

If your issue is that she sets HERSELF as a higher priority to you... I don't know, get over yourself, maybe? Either way, you both could stand some couples therapy, ESPECIALLY if you have voiced your feelings of neglect and her response is that everything's fine.

Curious is cheating somehow. I think Fantastic Mrs Fox deserves the Firkt Award this week.

Great tips for STIFFED. Taking a cue from the next letter, a vibrating butt plug may be even more effective if he's up for butt play.

I also want to know about this magic vibrator that's been going strong for 33 years!
VIBEQ, get over yourself. Either you've had a great marriage for 34 years despite the fact that your wife masturbates -- I'm willing to bet YOU masturbate too, right? -- or you've had a great marriage for 34 years because the vibrator helps her come during sex with you. Or you've had a terrible marriage for 33 years, even though your wife thinks it's a great marriage. I'm betting on the former. Are you "addicted" to masturbation? To porn? My partner and I refer to toys as our little friends. This vibrator is not your competitor, it's your little friend. Now, if your wife is really ignoring or neglecting you, that's a completely different problem that has nothing to do with how she comes. When you speak with her about this, don't even mention "it" because "it" has nothing to do with your problems, and you'll never solve them if you focus on an inanimate object.

DRESS, why don't you ask your son what his labels and pronouns are? He/she/they may be experimenting with gender expression, which is perfectly appropriate for straight boys to do. Or he/she/they may be non-binary or trans. Or they might not know yet, which is fine -- be ready to use neutral words until they narrow it down, or for them to change their mind/label/name and roll with the new one. Keep being non-judgmental, your kid is lucky to have parents that don't shame his fashion choices.

(Dan, A does not stand for ally. We love allies, but cishets don't belong in the alphabet soup.)

Curious @5, "use your hands too" has probably already occurred to STIFFED, but prostate stimulation probably has not.
"It took me a whole seven minutes this time" -- that's what Mr STIFFED said!

Curious @6, are there men who don't know that if they're lucky enough to receive a blowjob, they should be courteous to their givers and finish as quickly as they can? I know many will stop a BJ before coming because they want to move onto penetrative sex. Could this become subconscious perhaps? Penis havers, if you didn't already know this, prolonged cocksucking is hard work so please do try to hurry it up. Or if you know it's going to take a long time or that you may not come at all, do us the kindness of stopping us and moving onto other things before we get jaw-ache. Thanks!

EricaP @9, yes, exactly. As Eddie Izzard would say, he's not wearing women's clothes, he's wearing his clothes. I can't imagine what context DRESS would be referring to her son as a cross-dresser. He's a kid with non-gendered fashion sense.

Turbos @10, yes! Dan, how could you forget the lube??

Donny @17, thank you! I didn't think it would be so offensive to state the obvious, that sucking a cock is hard on the jaw, and ask him to speed up if it's possible. Not, of course, while doing it -- it can't be very sexy to interrupt with a "will you just come already!?" -- but in a clothes-on, flirtatious conversation. It should go without saying that one will get more oral sex if it's more fun for the giver, so, use your words, STIFFED!

Alison @18, I too was slightly amazed at Dan's focus on the mechanics of the clit. I mean, props to a gay man for getting so into the female anatomy, as it were. But you're absolutely correct that most vibrators are external toys, designed to stimulate the external clit. VIBEQ didn't specify, unless that was cut from the letter.

Alison @21: A much better answer than Dan gave! I'd elaborate on your "are you good in bed" question by asking: Are you willing to do whatever she needs to get off -- including using "it" on her? For 33 years the key to her satisfaction has been sitting right there on the bedside table, and you've been ignoring it when having sex with her. It's possible that means she hasn't been coming with you, for 33 years. You can change this. The vibrator is your friend, not your foe.

TheRob @23, another excellent answer for VIBEQ. I hope he reads these comments.

As W2 seems happy with the situation, I suspect that it would put her quite off her stroke for LW2 suddenly to want to make it a threesome, as it were. The Strangelove Solution seems best if one could bring it about - for LW2 to stop worrying and love the bomb. There's probably some good combination of reminding him that it does things that perhaps humans can't, that it does things he probably wouldn't want to do, that he might enjoy things on his own in which he would find her presence intrusive and that he might feel much worse if it were another person insted of an inanimate object.

Ms Fan @24 conclusion - At least by definition Allies are supportive and presumably willing to accept our norms. there are plenty of cishets in other letters, especially if one counts heteroromantic as being effectively just about the same thing.

Venn @27, but one good way to be supportive is to not insist that one gets a stripe on the rainbow, or a cookie, just for being so. Ally should be a baseline for straights, no? And what do letters to Dan have to do with it? Dan's column was originally for straights, they're not excluded. They just shouldn't be the market served by an organisation like GLAAD. (Do allies get defamed? Perhaps GLAAD's mission -should- include standing up for those who get tarred by slurs themselves in return for their support of queers. After all, one need not be queer to get queer-bashed. Dude, comment 28 and I'm already off on the first of this week's tangents. Back to work, BDF.)

For any lurking misogynists: see, it's not just women who get irrationally jealous of their partners' masturbating. The advice is the same: these two things are different, and most people enjoy both, even when in a relationship. If Mrs VIBEQ is routinely turning down sex with her husband in order to masturbate, then that's a problem. The fact that she masturbates -- and this is a good example of a "how one masturbates" issue, as opposed to "whom one involves" from FINDAMN a couple weeks back -- is not a problem.

I'm glad that Dan warned STIFFED not to go lunging for the prostate without talking about it first. Other good options are swallowing while the tip of the beast is at the back of her throat (gag reflex permitting), rimming whilst stroking, and a wet hand around the base.

If Mr. STIFFED is uncut, he'll also have lots of nerve endings in his retracted foreskin, so licking could be very pleasurable.

And what's wrong with a mechanical assist? A butt plug or insertable vibrator might be a good introduction to butt play.

Most importantly, STIFFED should talk with her partner about it. If he's pounding her throat (or she's throttling his dick), he might take longer to come than with a slow, gentle touch, for example.

In my experience, the best blow jobs are those that are performed with enthusiasm. Kudos to STIFFED for wanting to sort this out.

DRESS: As several other commenters have said, the right words are the ones that make your son comfortable. He’ll let you know what they are if and when he wants them to be used. The only common term I haven’t seen mentioned is gender nonconforming (GNC), which is a broad term that describes people who don’t follow transitional gender norms. It can include trans and non-binary people, as well as cis men and women who present (occasionally or frequently) femininely and masculinely, respectively.

If VIBEQ has spent 33 years not talking with his wife about his and her sexual needs, it's no wonder she took up with a vibrator.

My advice would be to buy her a new vibrator - they've come a long way in 33 years - and show her how it works. Maybe even get one with a remote control.

@32: I meant show her how the device itself works. Ask her to show you how it works on her.

as for STIFFED
Just to point out that prostate sensation isn’t universal and shouldn’t be considered the main target when attempting to speed up ejaculation or aiming to please a penis haver.

and as for DRESS
Not sure why there’s a need for a term. Is this something you want to define for yourself so you can better process it, or a need to describe your son for others? If you want to accommodate your child just ask them how they want to be called and leave it at that.

DRESS just wrote in to ask for confirmation of terminology? How about "wearing a dress"?

nocute@15
I like that one the best! I do not have it on my list.

One is certainly firdkt in war.

Donny@17
I totally agree.

"I’m no expert on all guys"

Me neither, so I will happily defer, however

"I can definitely come faster if I want to"

Ditto.

(Speaking in general of orgasm, since I'm personally not a major fan of BJs:) There's a /very/ wide range of how long I can make my ejaculation take. I might not be able to choose the exact time, but I could make it take a few minutes, or I could make it take far far longer.)((Not that I'd want it to take just a couple minutes so I don't have much data on that, because the overall journey is much better than the arrival.)

griz@19
"If at firkt you don't succeed, try..."

Oh, I like that one too, another which I do not have on my list.

Karandora@22
Beautiful comment, thank you!

BDF@25
"are there men who don't know..."

I still think they should be communicating.

"It took me a whole seven minutes this time"

We have no idea how long it's taking him. I have no idea how long she would like it to take (call that T). But if he's anything like Donny and I, he could easily make it take less than T. Which could very well be far less than T. So T could be far more than

"as quickly as they can"

...which would be a shame since as I said above "the overall journey is much better than the arrival".

And if that "seven minutes" is greater than T, then I think a guy would prefer other activities in addition to a pure BJ instead of only less than T minutes of stimulation.

I don't think I could ejaculate in one minute (and I know for sure I would not want to). But for all I know some guys could cum in 1 minute. And for all I know 1 minute is far less than T. So "as quickly as they can" seems an unconstructive guideline about a journey which is better than the arrival.

Fubar @32, I'm sure it's not literally the same vibrator, 33 years later. Good suggestion though -- even better, go sex toy shopping with your wife. Show her you're willing to see these items as little friends that will make your shared sex life better. Perhaps, be open to toys that could be used on you as well. There is a world of new sensations out there and your wife has been navigating it alone. Don't try to beat 'em -- join 'em!

Curious @36, the "seven minutes" was a "title of your sex tape" type joke.

I agree that there is nothing at all wrong with oral sex that does not lead to an orgasm. But STIFFED wants to deliver the kind of blowjob that does. Agree with you regarding communication, and one thing that should be communicated is whether the intent of the blowjob is to lead to completion or not. Sometimes it -is- nice to get someone off with your mouth, and this is clearly STIFFED's goal at least some of the time, or she wouldn't mind stopping when she gets tired. So the first thing is they need to specify whether it's a journey blowjob or a destination blowjob, so he can adjust his mindset accordingly and give them both the result they want.

What I meant by "as quickly as they can" was "with no purposeful delays," as opposed to during intercourse, when many men delay orgasm on purpose so as to extend the experience. If you know someone is trying to get you to come with their mouth, don't do that. Hope that's more constructive.

BDF@37
"there is nothing at all wrong with oral sex that does not lead to an orgasm"

That wasn't really my point. Because as I observed here years ago, it is vastly more pleasurable to cum somewhere warm (like a mouth) than somewhere like a hand. OTOH, on the (also important) journey to that destination, warmth is I think somewhat less crucial.

My main point @36 was about the importance (to the penis-haver) of considering maximizing the amount of time on the more valuable journey, while of course also making sure to take less time than T ("how long she would like it to take").

"If you know someone is trying to get you to come with their mouth, don't do that. Hope that's more constructive."

Of course it would be once the participants in the sex address my main point.

I have a similar "problem" as STIFFED (a partner who lasts "too long" sometimes, boo-boo, right?) and run into similar lockjaw issues with prolonged blow jobs. I second everyone's recommendations above: mix it up with hands, PIV if that's more comfortable, ass play if her BF's up for it, adding toys to the mix. I would add that sometimes the visual of porn accompanying oral sex can really speed things up and make things more fun/different if they both enjoy porn.

But ultimately, as with so many other sex/relationship problems, you're gonna have to talk about it, STIFFED. As my partner and some of the penis-havers of the commentariat have noted, enthusiastic blow jobs = the best blow jobs. Her BF doesn't want it to be something STIFFED begrudgingly suffers through (esp since she seems to enjoy giving head, just not lockjaw-inducingly long sessions), and as BDF noted @25, her BF may be completely unaware how much work a quality blowjob can be. STIFFED doesn't need to frame it as "hurry the fuck up already," but just express it as a simple matter of discomfort. Yes to having a conversation in a non-sexy context ahead of time, and also yes to saying in the moment, "I love sucking your cock, but this is beginning to become uncomfortable. Can we mix things up?" Also, one of the most blissful breakthroughs of my very long-running marriage is my husband and I finally being able to be honest in the moment when an orgasm just isn't going to happen, that it's not at all a big deal, and that the enjoyable sex is an end unto itself regardless of anyone "finishing."

Curious @38, I understand your points now. But if both the penis haver and the blowjob giver want to prolong the experience, there is no letter to Dan. And ejaculating somewhere warm rather than somewhere cold sounds to me like a question about how to make a handjob better, not how to make a blowjob better. So while your points, while not in dispute, don't really pertain to STIFFED's issue.

Mrs Fox @39: "I would add that sometimes the visual of porn accompanying oral sex can really speed things up and make things more fun/different if they both enjoy porn."

Even if they don't both enjoy porn, I think this is a good suggestion. The blowjob giver is looking at the belly/genitals of the blowjob receiver, not what's on a screen. If the blowjob receiver enjoys porn and the blowjob giver enjoys the receiver coming more quickly, porn could be a winning suggestion.

The most marked instance of the knots that people can tie themselves up into (or, here, that men can tie themselves up in) is that the lw VIBEQ does not include himself in his wife's 'family'. This is despite quite probably the family referring to his own children.

It's a sad situation. What should he do? What he should have done 32 1/2 or so years ago--but he can do it now. Ask whether his wife needs the vibrator's deep-tissue stimulation to come, and offer to incorporate her toy into partnered sex--if she wants. Later, once some kind of parity of orgasms in partnered sex has been established, ask her (since he has some claim to being a family member) to make some time occasionally to have sex where the focus is on his pleasure. Though I can't help suspecting that this has been the focus of their infrequent penetrative sex for quite a long time now....

BDF@40
"I understand your points now. But if both the penis haver and the blowjob giver want to prolong the experience, there is no letter to Dan"

No, I didn't say the giver wants to prolong the experience. I said that the receiver doesn't know how long the giver wants the experience to be ("T").

"So while your points, while not in dispute, don't really pertain to STIFFED's issue."

I'm still not getting any sign you know what my points are. Which is important. What I hoped it would be obvious I was implying @38 with this sentence...

"Of course it would be once the participants in the sex address my main point."

...Is that addressing your good point @37 without addressing my more fundamental point leaves the participants in a position as ridiculous as a pair trying to answer 'how is the trip going?' in the middle of a roadtrip before they even ddetermine what the destination is.

In other words, I can (so maybe he can) cum whenever the heck she wants, after however much of it is in her mouth that she wants (or not personally, I have no preference for BJs). And a guy wants to arrange that in a way that respects please that minimizing the amount of time his penis is stimulated is the last thing he wants.

DRESS is caring, sensitive and doing a good job as a parent. When I was fourteen, I dressed up secretly in my mother and aunt's clothes. It was confused, intense, compulsive and shameful. I would have said I wanted sex with boys and men, but wasn't a woman. Many things I would have said I've walked back--and all intensively and continuously considered, of course. I deserved to be listened to, of course, as well. I think my development would have been less tortuous and happier if my mother could have blessed or praised my wearing women's clothes--and this is my basis for commending DRESS.

@43 p.s.
Which of course means that, while yes

"If you know someone is trying to get you to come with their mouth, don't do that. Hope that's more constructive." (BDF@37)

Before the giver is trying to do that, for it not to suck for both of them, they should each have communicated to know and have arranged that the sex have by then lasted long enough for the receiver, and that no more of the period of sex than the giver wishes shall have been in any and all methods including the mouth.

Because otherwise, the giver might want more stimulation. He might then suggest finishing elsewhere. In which case he would probably wish he had been elsewhere enough already that she hadn't reached "T" yet in the mouth.

I'm just trying to say that they shouldn't have put her in the position begin with of "trying to get" him to cum without knowing he wants that too then.

I thought that this was worth saying, because I'm not sure that what penis-havers want is shared by and thus obvious to women. A guy might feel quite differently (about wanting a non-minimized period of stimulation) if cumming didn't come with a male refractory period.

Vibrator addiction can only be cured if you start treatment within 32 years of your partner beginning to use. Sorry, buddy. You waited just a little too long.

Blow Job Advice from a Gay Man of a Certain Age

Sticking a finger in a man's ass who isn't properly prepared mentally and from a hygene perspective can be unfortunate. I'd advise against.
When you consider orally servicing a man, consider that entire region of their body: Balls, taint, hole, even the area where legs meet torso.
Licking is a thing, you don't have to "suck" 100%.
The most sensitive part of a man's dick is generally the part right beneath the urethra. Licking and even gently biting there can be great.
Try the "hooker" technique -- suck the head while jacking the shaft. That's nearly always very rapidly successful.

Watch some gay porn. Those men can suck. LOL

Blow Job Advice from a Gay Man of a Certain Age

Sticking a finger in a man's ass who isn't properly prepared mentally and from a hygene perspective can be unfortunate. I'd advise against.
When you consider orally servicing a man, consider that entire region of their body: Balls, taint, hole, even the area where legs meet torso.
Licking is a thing, you don't have to "suck" 100%.
The most sensitive part of a man's dick is generally the part right beneath the urethra. Licking and even gently biting there can be great.
Try the "hooker" technique -- suck the head while jacking the shaft. That's nearly always very rapidly successful.

Watch some gay porn. Those men can suck. LOL

VIBEQ -- I've been exactly where you are, and completely empathize with your frustration. My GF's vibrator use really bothered me as well. Fortunately, I was able to get her completely off that thing, by outcompeting the vibrator. I'm sure you can do it, too. You've just got to find the ways to give her multiple, "best-ever" orgasms. Then after you achieve steady success at this, you can ask for a personal favor, to ditch the vibrator.

My GF expresses so much over-the-top praise and gratitude, every single time we have sex! Win-win ;)

"Curious is cheating..."

I didn't want to embarrass myself by addressing this.

Here's what I did yesterday:

I was in another room for twenty minutes. I shaved. Then I wandered back to my PC and refreshed the screen.

I saw that the new column had been up for seven minutes, so I made a comment (then enjoyed and thought about and responded as best I could to the column).

That was the secret method I used to get up a Comment an unbeatable seven minutes after the column was posted. Diabolical of me, I know, to violate the rules which...AFAIK don't even exist.

Ms Fan - Sorry, I meant letters in the soup bowl, not letters to Mr Savage. Between all the straight poly people and the straight kinksters and the heteroromantic asexuals and demisexuals, the "community" already has way more different-seekers than same-seekers. To assimilationists like Mr Savage this is highly desirable.

@36 curious2: See all the fun you're missing by always being firkt?

@24 BiDanFan: After some careful deliberation and consideration as Lucky Numbers Game prize awarder, I am inclined to agree with you.
Curious2 has been the defending FIRDT! champion for a good number of weeks now.
I have already advised curious2 that by his repeatedly claiming FIRDT! (firkt) honors at the very beginning of each weekly Savage Love installment that he willingly forfeits receipt of any following numerical honor per that week's comment thread, starting with the Lucky @69 onward until the onset of the next week's Savage Love column LWs, Dan's responses, and comment threads. :)

@39 fantastic_mrs_fox (re @2 & @3): What say you? I am ready to award you the FIRDT! (firkt) honors in a tie with curious2 @1, however fast and furious he consistently has been to remain FIRDT!. :)

Curious2 @50: How much hair do you have that it takes you 20 minutes to shave? Frankly, I'm jealous.

@50 curious2: Okay, now you and fubar @54 have aroused my curiosity. Curious, are you like Tim Rozon of Schitt's Creek?

I wish LW3 had been my parent. I’m gay and in my 60’s. I don’t recall if I ever had a desire to wear women’s clothing, although I probably did at some point. But just the fact that some kids today have an environment, and parents, who are fine with their son just being himself, whatever that may be...well, that just warms my heart.

DRESS states her son is straight and I can’t decide if she is sincerely looking for a word that sums up what her son says he is, wants to ensure their straightness is included in the definition, or any combination of the two.
In any case, I’d like to advise all involved that at the tender age of 15 one isn’t always aware of what is ahead for them.

And just sayin’ that growing up as a secret “crossdresser” who nowadays steps out on occasion in their female persona while also a parent of grown-ups who have their own journeys, I’m glad there is so much more acceptance. (Echoing JY's @ 56 whose comment I just read)

STIFFED
Another fun way to find out what tickles boyfriend’s fancy is asking him to masturbate while you watch. If all are comfortable, he may give you some clues as to what and where. This may also lead to lending a hand, possibly a tongue, maybe also surrounding lips.
Encourage him to remain involved regardless, which is likely to help with everyone’s comfort as well as speeding things up.

Curious @43, I don't know why you insist on making this into an argument, but it takes two, and there's only one. Hope you get some resolution to whatever's bugging you this week.

Harriet @44, indeed. The world is, generally speaking, a much better place for queer (or just non-conforming) kids than it was when we were those kids. Good for you, DRESS. You're doing the parenting thing right, and don't listen to anyone who would attempt to insult you with compliments like "woke."

InBalance @49, trolling? VIBEQ, yes, try to be a better lover. But vanquishing the vibrator shouldn't be your goal, just as her goal shouldn't be to get you stop masturbating. Learn to stop worrying and love the vibrator.

Venn @51, ah, gotcha. Personally, I don't think straight poly people or straight kinky people belong in the soup bowl either, but they generally do have about a one-to-one correlation with A-for-ally, since they can understand better than monogamous vanilla straights -- these days, potentially better than monogamous vanilla gays -- what it's like to be shamed over one's sexual desires. Unlike allies, poly people and kinky people -are- in danger of losing jobs, child custody, etc, if outed. Besides, you can't be poly or kinky without a huge number of your social group being queer. Not sure what my point is here, other than the P's and K's make great A's, and unlike the vanilla cishets may at times need us to be their allies too.

CMD @57, another great suggestion for STIFFED.

@49. InBalance. Are you trolling? He can't outcompete the vibrator. He's been trying for 32 years. It's likely not his fault, and not for any want of honest, creative effort. His wife's anatomy is such that she needs the toy to come.

He says that their first year of marriage was happy and marked by many intimate moments. I'm going to read this--a little hypothetically--in the most damning way and suggest that he means they had a lot of sex, which he was satisfied with because he came. But did she come? Did he ask her about this?--and does he ask her about this now? The most critical read (the interpretation that makes the story the saddest) is that they were both too reticent and inexperienced to have these conversations; that she didn't come, still doesn't from their PIV, and got the vibrator to have a chance of orgasms. Now, and for the past 30+ years (and I think this is between possible and likely), her sexual regimen is anorgasmic maintenance sex, a little grudging, with him and jilling with the toy.

The marriage has clearly been successful in many ways. They have perhaps raised a family; probably both had successful work careers; stayed together. This would be impossible if she didn't admire him and depend on him in some way. Yet ... his view of the marriage is deeply marked by his sexual resentment, dissatisfaction and sense of exclusion. Now--why not?--is a good time to address this as they head into retirement.

Her wanking with the toy is something she's accustomed to doing solo. She might express resistance to them being prised apart. I think he starts, first of all, by buying her (maybe they buy together) a different (slightly different kind?) of toy, for which he will be the operator. His dick doesn't get a look-in the first few times. Also, he gets better with his fingers and tongue. Let them put embarrassment aside. They've both failed to communicate fully in the past. In sex they've found an accommodation--but it's not one they've discussed explicitly, and not one with which he's entirely happy. I didn't get the sense they were going to split up. It seemed quite possible she might be surprised at how left out and uncared-for he feels. It seems to me they need to have the big shake-out conversation: he says, 'you never cared about sex!', 'you never put me first', and she says, if she has to, 'you never cared about my pleasure! You never learned to give me an orgasm'. And, please, let them learn to talk frankly. No more 'intimate moments'.

However painful or eye-opening, this conversation has to be better than what he has now.

Harriet @59, if we both read a letter the same way, it's a good bet it's an accurate read. But there are two possibilities I see. One is indeed that they had a year of sex post-marriage that was unsatisfying for her, then she discovered the vibrator and the partnered sex dropped way off -- understandably. Perhaps she thought that he was also masturbating so less frequent sex wasn't an issue. The other, less charitable (to him) read is that he simply felt threatened by her getting off with a toy that vibrates in a way his dick can't. This is not uncommon among straight men, and utterly hypocritical for any of them who masturbate (ie all of them). Perhaps the sex just decreased because the NRE period was over, and would have done so whether she had the vibrator or not, and he just doesn't like the idea of her masturbating. Indeed, they need to talk frankly -- it's a red flag that she thinks everything is fine and he doesn't, so either he isn't communicating his loneliness or she isn't listening. He needs to couch this not as "I don't like you masturbating" but as "I'd like us to have sex more often." If she's not receptive to discussing his needs, marriage counselling for them.

Ms Fan - Fair enough, though my experience when I was socially active was rather different. It just makes one imagine several versions of a comedy scene in which Pride is eventually entirely devoid of SS conduct.

xxx

Mx Wanna - I suspect this is just about the right sort of son to suit LW3. One can imagine many possible alternatives - her overwhelming a Normie straight son with helicopter regulation, or likely becoming president of PFLAG with a gay one. She might remind me of the mother in a YA novel called Openly Straight in which a gay teen in Colorado gets tired of his activist lifestyle and applies to a New England boarding school where he won't be The Gay Kid. He drags his parents and female best friend into the closet with him but then completes the circle as he keeps a diary for the one teacher who knows who he is and comes to appreciate being out.

fubar@54
"How much hair do you have that it takes you 20 minutes to shave?"

A few years ago I started shaving my head. Due to baldness.

For the pandemic I've been also shaving my beard. Mask aren't effective with stubble, let alone beards. I liked my beard.

Dan: how do I get what I want without thinking or talking about it? How do I get my partner to do X without telling them?
STIFFED is declining opportunities to suck her partner's cock, rather than tell him she might run out of gas before he comes. Now there are TWO problems where there had been one.

Don't feel compelled to grind away to the finish. Take breaks, use your hands more, have him help things along so you can take over for the finish.

@58, @59

I was wondering if I would get some pushback for responding as a kindred spirit.

"Are you trolling?" is rude and offensive, jsyk. If you re-read the letter to Dan, the husband framed it himself as a competition, and asked for advice on how to win--

I know it's complicated, but what can I do to win her back?
I've tried romancing her but I always competing with "it" for intimate attention.
How many others have been replaced by "it" in their relationships? What can I do?
Vanquishing “It” Becomes Essential Quest

"Are you trolling" was a genuine question, because that didn't seem like a genuine answer. Dan and other commenters answered the question, "What can I do?" realistically. You didn't. The husband may have framed it as a competition, but the fact is, it isn't. Could you ever have a partner so good in bed you stopped masturbating? Is your masturbating "competition" for sex with your partner? Of course it's not. Telling this husband that he can somehow get so good in bed that a vibrator becomes unnecessary is setting him up to fail, and that would be bad advice. So bad it would appear to be trolling. JSYK.

JSYK, if you ever wonder before posting whether you will get pushback, you already know you will. You went ahead and posted anyway. And you're offended that you got the pushback you knew you were going to get. Welcome to the internet.

Here is a wall of text regarding firdt.

As I keep saying: I haven't wanted to embarrass myself by addressing this. But it had been generous and kind of everyone to be confused by it, and I can see how my truthful explanation of what I lackadaisically did 2 days ago @50 is incongruous given how often I've been @1 this year, so I'll go ahead. After all what I most value is connection.

I was hardly ever firdt until last winter. I never was until a couple years ago when fubar pointed out the best page to refresh (Dan's author page), since I had been using the wrong one, on which a new column doesn't appear for hours.

About 5 months ago in the dark of pandemic winter, I wanted to know when a new column was up. For one, because I thought it would be fun to try commenting before I had the benefit of reading other comments. Then more and more I got into the game of trying to make the @1 comment. I wasn't trying very hard; I would simply refresh the browser page a few times an hour, which was usually enough to be firdt.

Then I found myself with a little streak of consecutive weeks that I made the @1 comment, and felt like extending it. (I must admit to being extremely competitive.) So I refreshed the webpage gradually more frequently over the weeks, particularly when I sensed increasingly more competition.

This was complicated by that my ancient PC takes forever to do anything; simply refreshing a web page could take it a minute or so. We have a general idea of when the new columns will appear; it's a time of day that I'm usually working on my computer screen anyway. As competition increased I tried to already have attended to distracting chores (such as putting out the trash bin which Tuesday is my day to).

Since my phone is much faster than my ancient PC, while working on my ancient PC I kept my phone next to it, with the web page open on my phone, I clicked refresh on it on my phone when the time of day rolled around. Weeks when I sensed that the competition was hot I clicked refresh on my phone as much as about once a minute.

See, I told y'all repeatedly that it was embarrassing. That's why when Delta asked a couple months ago what my secret was I didn't say till now. Because it's embarrassing to admit I'm so bored and competitive as to invest so much obsessive compulsive energy into being firdt.

(And, conversely, I very much appreciate that instead of assuming the truth, that I was that pathetic, you imagined it must be something else. Thank you very much, friends. I know that I made my bed by being pathetic, and now I'm laying in it.)

Even though clicking Refresh on my phone once a minute only took a second, y'all now knowing that I did is embarrassing. I would like to say that it didn't distract me all that much from the work I was doing during the rest of each minute. I was once an FAA air traffic controller, I'm pretty good at multitasking and focusing.

But wait, how does this fit with what you told us @50 you lackadaisically did 2 days ago?

Last week (9 days ago) for the first time I got sick enough of my obsessive-compulsive addiction to try a new method. One I'd never used before 9 days ago to be firdt. But it's certainly not a secret, I told you all about it here couple years ago when I only used to use it once comments on the column had petered out, just to see when there was a new comment without refreshing the comments sections of the column and the various letters of the day.

Perhaps I should just say it's a very easy, free, and very easily available technological method. (That again, I've only used /once/ to be firdt, 9 days ago.) If y'all think it's best I'm happy to tell you about it again, but I'm concerned that doing so will create an arms race. And spoil the game more than I guess my pathetic obsessive-compulsiveness already has.

It certainly made winning nine days ago a piece of cake compared to the trying effort it had been every other week of this year. The technological method was checking for page changes every 5 seconds, and when it saw a page change I had it set to play an attention-getting buzzer sound audible everywhere in my apartment. (Even with this, my firdt 9 days ago was 2 minutes after the time stamp on the board, so I don't know how one could comment any closer than that to the time stamp.)

Something went wrong with my technological method 2 days ago. Or maybe I was in the backyard cleaning my shaver and didn't hear the buzzer. So the only reason I managed to make the @1 comment 2 days ago was, just as I said @50, that I happened to think to manually refresh the page, for the first time in at least 20 minutes.

All those other weeks prior to the last two, I managed to make the @1 comment purely out of the embarrassing competitive obsessive compulsive effort that I have now humiliated myself by admitting. As for the magical rewards of firdt's I earned the last five months, I grant all of them to each one of you. I never wanted the magical rewards (I do my best to avoid hitting any other magic numbers). This has been simply a matter of me diverting myself from my pandemic boredom with my nutty sense of competition.

Perhaps I can note that between last August and a couple weeks ago when I had started setting up a new PC, the technological method was not even available to me. I had wanted to be able to use it to be notified of new comments on stale threads, but couldn't make it work on my phone, or on my ancient Linux PC since I'm a Linux noob. Though without SLLOTD, threads don't get so stale anymore anyway, so I didn't miss it.

Also, your girlfriend's using her vibrator when you're not around.

@68 was for JSYK, if it wasn't obvious. And the @69 is for me!

Curious @67, the only reason I was secnod this time (instead of like forty-frith or something) was your excellent tip-off last week about checking a different page. I usually navigate to the SL page via an SL Archives google search, and was wondering how on earth you were managing to say "a new page is up" when I wouldn't be able to see it for hours. This week I hovered around The Stranger's main page around the time the letter usually drops in the afternoon (Pacific Standard, anyway). So yeah. I need better things to do. And am more than pleased to accept secnod and thrid this week.

InBalance @64, apologies for answering your snark with more snark. I'm glad you reacted to your irrational bias against vibrators by becoming a super attentive lover -- and I'm sure your girlfriend is glad too. But it was still out of line for you to ask her to give up her vibrator. How about, become such a good lover that you no longer see a vibrator as a threat? That would have been better advice. I hope you take it too. Imagine how happy your girlfriend would be if she had a great lover who goes down on her enthusiastically AND a vibrator for when she just wants to get off quickly by herself. Don't you love her enough to want that for her? Don't you love yourself enough to want to get over your insecurity about your partners' masturbating? Now THAT would be the win-win.

Inbalance @49: "My GF expresses so much over-the-top praise and gratitude, every single time we have sex! "

She's figured out how insecure you are, and how much reassurance you need. So she overdoes the praise so you'll leave her and her vibrator alone. Win-win!

@64. InBalance. By calling yourself a 'kindred spirit', you set yourself up as a prize doofus.

There is no competition between a husband and a vibrator to have sex with the guy's wife. They offer different things, have different capabilities, lend themselves to different moments. The husband evidently enters into more real-world relationships with her, as co-parent, the person who goes along to parent-teacher evenings, school sports days; who may earn a wage and sometimes be chief provider; who may cook, or will otherwise eat the dinner made for him--though, by contrast, the vibrator is usually the better conversationalist. VIBEQ's way of framing his question is woeful, is really woefully unfortunate. He's had 32 years of feeling neglected in part because he's been unable to conceive of his wife's enjoying orgasms in other than a little-boy-hurt way. It's time for him to stop. To talk more and learn stuff so he (and she) can have more and better sex.

@60. Bi. Well, I note two things:

1) Mrs VIBEQ does not appear to have had a vibrator in her first year of marriage;

2) She makes no bones about using it while he's about. It's not something she's ashamed of or tries to hide.

He describes their first year of marital fucking as 'many intimate moments'. Let's say this is something like weekly (?), bi-weekly (?) sex. I can fill in the blanks and suppose that, after not coming from 100 PIV poundings, she's gone to one of her married girlfriends and sought advice--and her friend has said, 'get a vibrator'. (Or she's read it in a magazine--whatever). She hasn't left him, or even apparently considered leaving him. She (or her friend, maybe) perhaps saw him as a good man, someone who would tirelessly provide, who would be loyal and a good father. But he wasn't imaginative in bed, didn't have the flexibility to learn, wasn't good at braving the embarrassment of talking about it--and neither was she, it might be. Maybe she got the toy in the hope that he would take more of an interest in her pleasure--would see her wanking and find out what got her off. But as he didn't, she carried on openly in the mood that she was entitled to something for herself, or even in a spirit of mild defiance.

Does someone who describes sex as 'many intimate moments' even go down on his wife? I wouldn't be certain. It's even possible she's using her vibrator as housewives supposedly took Valium in the 70s, as a way of managing the otherwise overwhelming strains of being the sole responsible homemaker.

Yes, any cis guy jealous of a vibrator is almost certainly an absurd hypocrite.

@22 Karandora, Informative, wise, and kind... best SL comment ever!

@73

prize doofus, absurd hypocrite

What kind of forum is this that allows mean-spirited name-calling? Are there no moderators or high-minded regulars to step in here? Very disappointing.

I prefer respectful discussion and so won't be engaging further. Y'all won at your group-think and pointless bullying. It'll get better for me somewhere else.

BDF@58
I admit it bugged me that you declared "Curious is cheating"@24 even though it's been (almost entirely) that I was working my stupid butt off. Plus as far as I know there are no rules to break anyway.

In retrospect I think that's why the next thing I read ("are there men who don't know..."@25) bugged me, and seemed to call for a new point I really liked that it made me think of.
Which, you're right, I apologize for then trying to rope you into.

InBalance @75: There are no high-minded regulars, just we few who bothered to reply to you, and could not support your tale of defeating your partner's vibrator by developing superior sexual prowess. But you're not reading this, because byeee.

Curious@67 You aren’t pathetic— I think all of us who believe in the pandemic have taken to unconventional, digital ways of keeping ourselves entertained. I have been tutoring online, (although that job is suspended for the summer, leaving me unemployed yet again,) and I have spent more time refreshing the Savage Love comments page than I would care to admit, when I didn’t even have the courage to sign up for an account and comment myself! I say, congrats on your firkt streak!

Regarding LW3, if their child is wearing girls' clothes to be funny, or as a joke, maybe their family isn't as liberal as they think they are. It's possible there are situations in which that could be pulled off as a joke without being either misogynistic, transphobic (probably, I think, in this case), or both, but I'm having trouble thinking of what they would be. The closest thing I can think of would be a drag performance, which I still wouldn't classify as a joke, even if humor is as part of the performance.

I absolutely agree with @9 EricaP about having the, "you know you can wear whatever you want, right?" conversation. But I wouldn't necessarily wait until the situation feels forced. I'd suggest just talking to your kid about it. Something like, "we (the parents) notice you've been wearing dresses occassionally for a joke and staying in them sometimes after the joke is over. We remembered that you used to wear them when you were younger too, and we just want to make sure you know..."and then go into EricaP's line. You might also gently address that your child frames their dress wearing as a joke, and while being understanding of why they might feel that need, also pointing out that it isn't necessary and pointing out ways using dress wearing as jokes could be harmful to marginalized communities. And I'd suggest not having that conversation in front of family members, friends, or others. In fact, depending on the family dynamics, it might even be better to have one parent have that conversation with the kid alone so they don't feel ganged up on. And during a casual moment might be a good idea, like when watching tv, playing sports, or cooking together.

Sometimes jokes are just jokes, but often, especially in those who are insecure and/or young, they can also be anything ranging from fear of whatever they are joking about to insecurity or internalized judgement about it to a way of testing out the waters and seeing if it's safe to be whatever they're joking about or what kind of reaction it gets.

It's certainly possible your child is your straight son, but it's also possible your child is exploring or tentatively expressing themself as a different gender. There's also the (I think slim, in this instance) possibility that it could be a kink/fetish thing for them, in which case they probably wouldn't want to express that to their parents, nor is it something that would need to be pried into by the parents in this situation. I know as a society, we don't tend to like to think of minors as being sexual or kinky, but it happens, and might explain why even with friends across gender and sexuality spectrums the teen frames it as a joke and doesn't address it directly.

And again, it's possible the teen really is a straight son who likes to wear dresses sometimes. But I think it's also possible to likely that your teen is exploring being some type of trans or nonbinary. I will say that at fifteen, my parents thought I was a straight girl and I was most certainly neither of those things. They also knew my long-term best friend was gay. I'll also mention that before coming out as trans, I was understandably terrified to come out to my conservative family members, but I was also afraid to come out to my liberal, openly gay family members, and had half convinced myself that one of them might be a TERF without me knowing, and absent of any evidence. Fear and stigma can do a number on people, including on their logic. Coming out to family and loved ones is often especially scary, even with reasonable assurances of being accepted.

And as others have said, it's also entirely possible they may either have no idea what their gender or sexuality are, or they may, but they may change. i agree with those who said to just go with it and to be loving and accepting throughout the journey and throughout any coming out, walking back, changing identities, or clarifications. I also agree with those who said to use whatever language your teen is comfortable with, but baring knowing that, I think "wearing a dress" is probably better than "cross-dresser" in this instance -- at the very least, it is factually describing an action/behavior they are engaging in, whereas the latter is assigning them a label that may or may not be accurate.

Regarding LW2, I am 90% sure it's a fake. Not that people don't get jealous of their partners masturbating, of their partners having or using sex toys or porn, of their partners having orgasms or having orgasms without them, or of their partners being able to get something from someone or something else that they can't or won't get from that partner. All of those things happen often, for sure. And LW2 wouldn't be the first (I'm admittedly assuming here) straight cisgender guy to be insecure, angry, hurt, or sexist and misygonistic in those regards, and he certainly won't be the last. But something about the way the letter is phrased, plus all the emphasis on calling the vibe "it", the mentions of "addiction" and "snubbing", the "I know it's complicated, but what can I do to win her back?" It just seems really fishy to me. My guess would be either a troll of the regular variety, or else of the sex-negativebconservative variety. However, like I said, all those things at the begining could be true because they are certainly common. In which case...yikes.

So, assuming it's true, there is presumably a huge disconnect between his perspective on their lives together and on hers. Like many others, I think it's highly probable the wife isn't satisfied with their sex life, either, and probably just gave up long ago. In that case, she may or may not believe her husband is satisfied with it (but I would guess she probably thinks he is). It's also possible the wife is satisfied with their sex life and believes he is, too. In this particular situation, it doesn't sound like the wife is satisfied with it but knows the husband is dissatisfied with it.

Speaking from experience, I can say that it is much easier to hide or minimize one sore spot or area wherevit isn't working in a relationship when the rest of the relationship is otherwise good. Likewise, it's easier to bury one displeased part of a relationship under the rug if only one of the partners is unsatisfied with that aspect -- especially if the other partner is unaware. However, also from experience, I can say that often when those sore spots and areas of dissatisfaction are talked about with honestly, compassion, patience, love, trust, and respect, they can take an otherwise great relationship and make it astronomically wonderful. Honest, forthright, and non-threatened conversations are in order. I definitely think couples counseling could help, but I don't necessarily think you need to start there, if you are committed to respecting and having compassion for and understanding of your wife. Individual counseling would be good to, particularly for help with the whole "non-threatened" thing.

LW1 -- 1. Yes, consent first, on both sides, always. 2. Yes lube, one designed for anal specifically, and lots of it. 3. If you are going to stick your finger up someone's butt and they haven't done something to clean it out first, you will probably get fecal matter on your hand and it will also probably be harder to find their prostate gland, so be prepared for those eventualities. 4. Prostate glands can be easier or harder to find on different people -- I never could find it on one of partners (and not the first one), though they most definitely had one. 5. Not everyone with a prostate gland likes having it stimulated. I've been with partners who loved it, those who hated it, and one who was indifferent to it. 6. If you and your partner to agree to you stimulating their prostate and they aren't used to having anything in their anus, it is highly unlikely that you will be able to get a full finger in there the first time -- possibly not even the first several times. Take it slow and make sure they are both relaxed and aroused because it will help.

Mostly, though, I agree with what most people said about having honest conversation around the blowjob subject and making sure you are on the same page regarding goals for endpoints and time lengths and nonjudgementally communicating discomfort or a desire to move on/switch methods of sex to each other. The only real downside I can see to that is if you and your partner decide that his orgasm is the goal and that you want to speed things up, he might get performance anxiety, which can lead to temporary erectile dysfunction in cisgender men. If that happens, don't be critical or impatient, and just keep having honest conversations about what works for both you and him.

@75. InBalance. Wait ... there is still time for you to give VIBEQ better advice, as you see it, than the snarky, group-thinking commenters. How should he give his wife the best sex of her life, the most ground-shaking orgasms she's ever had? Orgasms so good that, as you would hope or project, she puts the Vibe aside?

Bear in mind that this is a goal that will have been present to him as desirable for at least the last thirty years. Be explicit. This is someone who describes probably penetrative fucking as 'many intimate moments'. Also bear in mind he's at least pushing sixty, perhaps into his 60s. But this could be a red herring; what he has to do to get her off could easily be something a 63yo can do as easily as a 30yo. VIBEQ may be able to take it from you as he cannot from, variously, a bigendered woman-at-home (me), an expat bisexual woman and alternative scenester (BiDanFan), a thoughtful male-feminist Dom (fubar) and a feminist big on psychiatry (alison_cummins). If you say e.g. 'dude, you have to go down on her', and he's never before gone down on her and he starts, it will be you, not Daniel Savage nor any of the rag-tag commenters, who is the savior of their last twenty years together, their retirement, their sex lives and his sense of being loved and being a man.

Fubar @72, bang on. Sorry, InBalance.

Harriet @73, InBalance isn't a doofus. I should have realised he was genuine; as I acknowledged @60, "This [feeling threatened by vibrators] is not uncommon among straight men." It shouldn't have seemed implausible to me that one of these men would comment on this column. InBalance is an insecure individual in need of good advice, not name calling, despite his having called us "rude and offensive." But you are absolutely correct that a vibrator is not competition for a living, breathing partner, and that it's ridiculous to think so, which is why we both thought he was trolling.

InBalance @75, I'm sorry for mocking your insecurity. You expressed yourself badly, but your follow-up showed you're a real person who could benefit from kindly worded advice. I hope that before leaving, you did get the memo that there are better ways of dealing with your insecurity than trying to police your girlfriend's masturbation. If porn isn't "competition" for her, then toys aren't competition for you, and you have just as little right (and can expect just as poor results) to ask her to give up her vibrator as she does to ask you to stop looking at porn. Both of these are unreasonable asks that are doomed to fail, that's why your advice was laughed off. I'm sorry for my unsupportive tone.

Curious @76, I was teasing with the "cheating" comment. It's been pointed out for the past several weeks that you must have some kind of system to always be "firkt." I'm in the wrong time zone, and each week it's a fun moment for me to open up the comments and see who's hit the first lucky number, and it's not very entertaining when it's you every single time. It takes the fun out of the "firkt" game when nobody else gets a chance to "win." Apology accepted.

Snowflake @78, I for one am glad you've left the ranks of the lurkers and are now sharing your thoughts too. Welcome! I'm so pathetic I've been commenting madly for years, even before there was a pandemic as an excuse. ;)

Bivalve and Karandora, thanks to you both as well, and please do stick around, it would be great to have more trans perspectives around here.

@79. Bivalve. At fifteen what I said or thought changed from week to week. The boy's family should affirm their love for him, and make clear they understand he finds his explorations both interesting and necessary. I think your full and sensitively-given perspective should be helpful to the lw!

Apropos VIBEQ, I would not think this fake. This guy loves and admires his wife, but has been sexually dissatisfied for 32+ years. He's ambivalent, doesn't even know how ambivalent he is. The real issue is that he feels she neglects him--is perhaps not that interested in, perhaps turns down PIV sex. But he can't say that his loving, ever-present wife neglects him. So he makes it about the toy--'it' about 'it'. 'It' becomes a character in a triangular drama because he can't entertain ambivalence about his wife.

The mailsack doubtless has lots of letters from husbands unhappy with no or little sex from their wife, but relatively few get printed, partly because their expression is boring or stereotyped.

@81. Bi. A 'doofus' to me is a foolish man, possibly with outmoded views. 'Doofus' was an appeal to his intelligence. Does InBalance actually think VIBEQ can 'outcompete' the vibrator, say by moving at a speed (tongue, dick or finger) that imparts better sensations to his lover?

What I said about the lw perhaps being able to take it from a fellow het husband but not us was quite sincere. Often I suspect both you and I give the right advice, but 'only on paper', since issues of both manner and identity deter lw s from seriously considering our suggestions.

Harriet, you could have just described me as a bisexual woman, I'm not sure how the other (ahem, potentially identifying) features are relevant.

Harriet @83, that bit came across as extremely snarky, as I'm sure you intended. "Don't take advice from a recognised sex expert or from people with the body parts in question, but from another insecure het dude, I'm sure that's the best way forward!" After you called him a doofus and a hypocrite? Sincere? Really?? I at least admitted and apologised for my snark, which in retrospect was not all that snarky, aside from @68. (Which was actually also true, but didn't need to be said in that way.) Nobody likes being called rude and offensive, but own that you responded in (un)kind.

The other problem with "just be so good in bed that she won't want a vibrator / he won't want porn" is that it's not sustainable. Sure, early in a relationship you may be able to give your partner mind-blowing sex whenever they want. But as relationships progress, the sex settles into an enjoyable but comfortable routine. You may not want sex when your partner does. You may not have the energy to provide extended oral sex. You may be tired or ill or not at home. Your partner has the right to masturbate. And while, in the throes of NRE, they may agree to give up vibrators or porn to assuage your insecurities, they will resent having done so later, when they're horny and you're asleep or away or sex has finished before they did. They know you don't approve of vibrators / porn, so they'll use it in secret. Then you'll find out and feel hurt, "but you promised!" and it becomes a betrayal. So much better to follow the advice of Dan and everyone else and get over your insecurities than to feel pressured to perform like a porn star non-stop to prevent them from turning to "the competition."

Toy tip for VIBEQ: a vibrating cock ring. Then she gets vibrations against her clit while you're fucking her, which could be the key to her coming while you're fucking her. Better living through technology!

Oh and the InBalance debate seems to suggest a strategy for women to get more oral sex from their male partners. Buy a vibrator and let him know about it, so he'll feel compelled to "compete." ;)

"We aren't attacking you, you just gave shitty advice". Great justification for the pile on. This place is so stuffy sometimes...

JibeHo @89: Three people responded to that commenter. As pile-one go, that’s rather anemic.

BDF, Fubar, Harriet - don't feed the trolls, please and thank you!

Does VIBEQ realize Dan's been in business since the 90s? He could have spared himself a couple of decades of this misery if he'd written in sooner. But in all seriousness, I wonder what their conversations around this look like. Is VIBEQ just complaining about Mrs. VIBEQ's vibrator use, or has he been able to say "I feel like I'm not important to you in our relationship." The latter ultimately is their (shared) issue. I think most Savagistas agree that it's unreasonable to ask a partner not to masturbate, or to see toys or porn as threats to/competition with a relationship, but we can agree that when these things start to eclipse other aspects of a relationship, they can become a problem. At the very least, I see in VIBEQ's letter one party saying "I have this problem" and the other party saying "There's no problem" and this is a huge problem.

VIBEQ needs to unambiguously state what his problem is, ideally without dragging the vibrator into it. If a lack of sex is the problem, say you're unhappy with the amount of sex you're having. If you're feeling emotionally disconnected, say so. You have every right to say you're unhappy feeling like you're not a high enough priority in your wife's life, and that message will probably be better received if you can not frame it as "what you do for your own self-pleasure is a problem for me."

And if it really is all about "it," then what exactly does VIBEQ find so threatening? Is he falling victim to the notion that if sex is aided with toys it's somehow a consolation prize to "real" PIV? Threatened that the vibe can give his wife an orgasm but he can't? I'm just spitballing here, but VIBEQ would do himself a favor to ask himself what it is that bothers him so much about it. Someone upthread made the excellent comparison to porn: VIBEQ, your wife's vibe is no more a threat to you, your relationship, or your manhood than a young, buxom porn actress in a video during a wank session is to your wife. And yeah, you should have jumped in to offer to use the vibe on/with your wife like 30 years ago, man. My husband loves using toys on me and particularly enjoys the visual aspect, and gets way harder just enjoying the visual of it than during "unassisted" sex. VIBEQ has been robbing himself of a sexy shared experience by getting all bent out of shape over an assistive device, ffs.

fantastic_mrs_fox @91,

How many of us remember when sex toys were called “marital aids”?

If LW2 thinks of sex as a service that wives provide husbands, that would explain why his list of her priorities—family first, then job and “it,” with him last—makes sense to him. Sex is a service that women provide, and she’s providing more of that service to “it” than to him.

I love InBalance’s comment @49. It offers a complete paradigm shift. Sex is not a service that women provide; sex is a shared activity that is fun and motivating for all parties. If LW2 wants more sex with his wife he should start engaging with it actively and thinking of ways it could be fun for her.

I’ve had sex with men who think that sex is a service that women provide, and that foreplay and romance are tricks for coaxing them into providing it. They are terrible lovers.

Talk to full-service sex workers and they will tell you: many of their clients are terrible lovers who complain their wives won’t put out any more.

If LW2 doesn’t understand that sex needs to be good for his wife, that it’s a service he provides her just as much as the other way around, then I do think that InBalance’s advice is spot-on.

Thank you JibeHo and Alison Cummings for your supportive comments, I appreciate you taking the time.

BiDanFan, your backhanded apologies are acknowledged ("apologies for answering your snark with more snark", "I'm sorry for mocking your insecurity. You expressed yourself badly.."), though I don't see the point..?

Like some other commenters in this thread, you are still making unfounded, inaccurate assumptions about me and my attitudes. It's amusing to hear you call me irrational, when tbh you have no idea what you're talking about, in spinning your fantasy-- "it was still out of line for you to ask her to give up her vibrator". I didn't share the intimate specifics of what I meant by "ditching the vibrator", and it wasn't as you thought.

Mrs. Fox, I wasn't expecting to find you among the name-callers as well. ("BDF, Fubar, Harriet - don't feed the trolls, please and thank you!") Thank you though for seconding a key theme that I'm looking forward to digging into -- "Someone upthread made the excellent comparison to porn: VIBEQ, your wife's vibe is no more a threat to you, your relationship, or your manhood than a young, buxom porn actress in a video during a wank session is to your wife."

I'll share my own thoughts when I have a few minutes again. Busy weekend ahead, hope everyone here has a good weekend.

@84. Bi. 'Expat' does not really narrow the field, does it? I did not say from which country you were an expat. Lots of cities (I'd venture all) have alternative scenes. You reveal a lot about yourself: cumulatively, over a period as short as the last six months, e.g. your profession (boundary-disrespecting friends interrupted your weekend to ask advice), your city, the state/province/county you were originally from, your bodily type in one of the genders to which you're attracted, etc.. I would think anyone who knows you reasonably intimately irl would recognise you from your comments on here.

Personally I have shifted or smudged one or two identifying details, mostly to avoid compromising one others (not necessarily sex partners). Of course this brings down on me the wrath of people like curious--for whom the greater exposure of NB people in elite spaces, and our greater vulnerability, is unimaginable and not an object of sympathy. It would surprise me, from how open you are about yourself, if you wanted to keep your identity thoroughly under a bushel.

If someone said to me, 'I can't believe you're being so stupid about this', I wouldn't primarily take it as an insult, but would revisit the topic, seeing if my critic was right. This was all 'prize doofus' was: saying someone set themselves up, this one time, as foolish, and seeing whether, when cued, they could acknowledge their foolishness and unreasonableness. I wasn't saying that the rather vague, leaves-something-to-be-desired advice, 'find the ways' to bring VIBEQ's wife to multiple orgasms was good, was on the money in the way Dan wasn't, but that in filling it out, in making it explicit as a straight man talking to a straight man--saying for instance that the lw had to be a better listener than before, had to try oral, had to push his dick to the back seat--someone like InConcept could well get through where we hadn't. This was perfectly sincere. Irony, comedy, maybe, I hope, but I generally don't do snark.

Harriet@95
"curious--for whom the greater exposure of NB people in elite spaces, and our greater vulnerability, is unimaginable and not an object of sympathy."

What would be unimaginable to me is how any thinking person(1) could think that that characterizes anything but the total opposite of me. I believe I have proven that countless times without fail.

(1) By "would be" I mean I don't think anyone counts Harriet as a "thinking person" in any sane way. So while I can't imagine--and don't look forward to--how Harriet will try to justify that ludicrous and horrifically vile attack, I know from painfully tedious experience that Harriet is eminently capable of not disappointing my expectation that Harriet will pile more gratuitous and despicable behavior toward me upon that sentence's pile of it @95.

Why not also call me a "battleaxe", Harriet? (Like you did some good women here.) I'm sure I could be one under your secret unique definition which you amused everyone by claiming that when you say it, it is not derogatory.

It has been so wonderful ignoring your posts. I wish you'd refrain from insane attacks upon me so I can please go back to the joy of ignoring your posts.

p.s. @96
You know, Harriet, I had thought that you cunningly avoided abuse so obvious and horrific as to expose yourself to being Reported and banned by the community on this board. I think that sentence proved me wrong.

Harriet's MO is trying to get under somebody's skin then play dumb. This is hostility.

Not jarringly obvious hostility like Sportlandia aka Endless Ork's wild violent rages. It's so subtle that usually only the target victim is even paying enough attention to notice; in that it's much more cowardly-hostility in that it's safer, calculated so that Harriet can continue this hostility forever without getting banned.

Who knows if Harriet knows full well that Harriet is doing this, like F.M.Fox says. And who cares. It's hostility regardless.

This explains quite a bit. Harriet not just doesn't adopt an avatar, but argues to literally strip usernames from the comments, so that old victims can be caught again and again (by the MO of trying to get under their skin). Fool me once shame on me. But if we don't know it's Harriet, Harriet figures we can be caught again and again.

Harriet also argues against anyone identifying Harriet's MO for exactly this reason. If Jack the Ripper was identified, he could not have continued to prey. Harriet sometimes pretends a person pointing out Harriet's MO is objecting to Harriet's identity, to deflect from the truth of Harriet's MO.

What do I mean by 'play dumb'? For example, when Harriet attacked many women calling them "battleaxes", Harriet argued that Harriet had (as Harriet frequently does) a secret private definition of the word which (conveniently) is not an insult.

I don't like to watch Harriet target people; but it's usually so subtle I felt there was never any point filing a Report on Harriet for this pattern of abuse. Until Harriet's @95.

BiDan@87~ Thumbs up for the vibrating cock ring, heartily endorsed by the GF!

InBalance @94 - and I almost wrote "perceived" trolls @91. My comment was directed at the folks I specifically mentioned because I don't like folks piling on comments they see as troll-ish because it has a way of taking over the thread and making it no fun anymore. It was meant as a reminder to stay non-toxic. It wasn't meant as a jab at you, though I see how you saw it that way. It wasn't my intention and I'm sorry.

Alison @92 - I haven't heard sex toys referred to as marital aids, but that's both hilarious and accurate. And yes all around to your points @93.

BDF @87 - better living through technology, indeed! Seems like it would be a win-win all around (assuming VIBEQ didn't feel he needed to compete with the clock ring as well...)