Iâm a gay man. After a decade together and five years of marriage, my husband informed me he wasnât really interested in sex anymore. That was a year ago and we havenât had sex since. He told me I should leave him, if regular sex was âreally that importantâ to me, but if I chose to stay, I had to remain âfaithful.â To him that means me not having sex with anyone else. Iâm 35, heâs 38, and he doesnât see his unilateral decision to end our sex life as him breaking faith with me. Thereâs also the issue of financial dependance. I am NOT dependent on him, he is dependent on ME. I didnât want to abandon him during a pandemic while heâs unemployed, so I stayed. Now he tells me heâs asexual and accuses me of being unsupportive of his sexual identity if I so much as...
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Iâm a gay man. After a decade together and five years of marriage, my husband informed me he wasnât really interested in sex anymore. That was a year ago and we havenât had sex since. He told me I should leave him, if regular sex was âreally that importantâ to me, but if I chose to stay, I had to remain âfaithful.â To him that means me not having sex with anyone else. Iâm 35, heâs 38, and he doesnât see his unilateral decision to end our sex life as him breaking faith with me. Thereâs also the issue of financial dependance. I am NOT dependent on him, he is dependent on ME. I didnât want to abandon him during a pandemic while heâs unemployed, so I stayed. Now he tells me heâs asexual and accuses me of being unsupportive of his sexual identity if I so much as mention missing sex. To make a long story short, three months ago I met a guy at work. Weâre the only people on our floor currently coming into the office and we got to talking and it turned out heâs bisexual and married but open. Iâve been blowing him a couple of times a week for the last two months. Heâs close to my age, and I really need this. We arenât in the same department, so I donât report to him, and he doesnât report to me. He doesnât reciprocate, but I donât care. I wasnât on Grindr and didnât go looking for this. Do I need to feel bad about it?
Cheating Homo On Knees Eating Dick
So, your husband insists you honor the commitment you made to him (not to have other sex partners) but heâs released himself from the commitment he made to you (to be your sex partner) and invited you to divorce him if you didnât like it. And you didnât divorce him. You stayed. Not because you wanna stay in this marriage, and not because youâre obligated to stay in this marriage to affirm his sexual identity, but because heâs unemployed and you donât wanna turn him out on the street during a pandemic.
Okay.
You donât need to feel bad about thisâyou donât need to feel bad about the dick youâre eating at workâand if youâve been reading my column for longer than a week, CHOKED, you knew I was gonna say that. So, you wanted a permission slip and youâve got it, signed and notarized. And now if you stop giving those hot non-recip blowjobs to the bisexual guy at the office, Iâm gonna be pissed at you for wasting my time. So donât let me down here, CHOKED. Keep eating that dick.
Of course, eating that dick isnât a long-term solution to your problem, CHOKED, but that dick will make your life more bearable in the near-term. (It sounds like it has already.) But ultimately, CHOKED, youâre gonna have to counter your husbandâs ridiculous ultimatum with a perfectly reasonable ultimatum of your own: he doesnât have to be sexual with youâhe never has to eat your dick ever againâbut he canât expect you to live a sexless life. Tell him youâre gonna seek dick elsewhere, CHOKED, and if he doesnât like it, then he can leave.
Just wanted to commend you for your advice to âHaving A Realistic Discussion On Needsâ in last weekâs column. I say this as someone who recently went through a similarâthough blessedly temporaryâsituation with my girlfriend. The first time I lost my erection before I came, I was a little bummed, but my attitude was basically, âDang, well, at least I made her come.â My girlfriend, however, had a mild-to-moderate freak-out: Was everything OK? Was she doing something wrong? Was I not attracted to her anymore? Like HARDONâs partner, I also âgot in my own head,â and the same thing kept happening. It got to the point where I was avoiding sex because I didnât want to deal with the crisis-counseling session that would inevitably ensue if I couldnât come again. After a few weeks of this I was finally able to get through to her that talking and obsessing about it was only making it worse. She backed off, I got to a point where I could relax again, and it wasnât long before our happy, healthy, way-hotter-than-youâd-expect-from-a-couple-of-divorced-40-year-olds sex life picked up where it left off.
As you implied to HARDON, sometimes you just need to STFU and hope for the best. Guys being who we are, nothing sets our deep-seated insecurities ablaze like being pestered about our dick problems, no matter how well-meaning and sincere the pesterer is. Weâre kind of like toddlers who suffer a minor boo-boo: If we see you frantically running toward us waving your hands and asking whatâs wrong, weâre going to flip out. But if you donât make a big deal out of it, we wonât either. Just wanted to share my straight-dude perspective and thank you for your level-headed response.
Please End Needless Interrogations Speedily
Thanks for sharing, PENIS. And while I sometimes feel like I should say, âEverybody doesnât always need to come during sex,â I worry about some straight guys reading that and then giving even less of a shit about getting their female partners off than they already do. I donât want to accidentally widen the orgasm gap: while more than 95% of straight men self-report that they always come during sex, according to the Archives of Sexual Behavior, only 65% of straight women said the same. We should all want our partners to get off and should make a good-faith effort to get them off, but we shouldnât make a huge deal out of it if our partner, every once in a while, for whatever reason, doesnât get off.
I just read your reply to HARDON and I think you missed something. (I know, I know! Who am I to tell you anything?!?) Iâm a mature woman who had a younger male lover for a while. Same scenario in that he was super fit, had stamina, was eager, etc. All was goodâexcept that he had to finish himself off with a hard and furious handjob every time. I suggested that he go on a masturbation diet: stop jerking off every day and when he did masturbate, use props, e.g., wrap a cloth around his hand, grind against pillows, Fleshlight, whatever he could think of because I had the idea that the intense and hard hold he used when masturbating was the culprit. And I was vindicated! It took a few patient tries, but he got there!
Someone In Toronto
Thank you for sharing, SIT, and I wouldâve addressed the issue you raisedâthe issue you successfully addressed with your hot young manâif HARDON had mentioned something similar, i.e. her boyfriend using what Iâve long called the âdeath gripâ to finish himself off. Dive into the Savage Love archives, SIT, and youâll find tons of advice for guys who used the death grip during masturbation and then couldnât get off during partnered sex because the inside of a vagina, a mouth, or a butt doesnât feel like the inside of a bony clenched fist. My advice for guys who suffer from death grip syndrome is the same as yours: stop jacking off like that, use a lighter touch, get some lube and maybe a Fleshlight, and retrain the dick. It doesnât work in all casesâsome guys canât come back, for other guys thatâs just what their dick needsâbut Iâve heard from plenty of men over the years who successfully retrained their dicks.
TO MY READERS: I had to file this column early due to the Labor Day holiday. But I want you to know that Iâm furious about what happened in Texas last week (a law banning abortion went into effect) and what didnât happen in the Supreme Court (the Trump-packed court didnât block that law from going into effect, essentially nullifying Roe v. Wade). Texasâs new anti-abortion law empowers individual citizens to sue anyone they suspect of having helped a woman get an abortionâdoctors, clinic staffers, parents, anyone. Lend a friend some money to pay for an abortion? You could be sued. Drive a friend to a clinic? You could be sued. If a lawsuit brought against you is successful, you could be ordered to pay the person who sued you $10,000 and reimburse their legal expenses; if you prevail in court, you get nothingâno damages, none of your legal expenses reimbursed. Women still have a constitutional right to an abortion in the United States, but abortion is effectively illegal now in Texas and will be soon in other states, as GOP legislators and governors drive a truck through the hole the Supreme Court just ripped open in Roe v. Wade. My advice to women and men in Texas: stock up on morning after pillsâavailable over the counter (for now)âand vote every last GOP motherfucker out of office.
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