Iâm a 33-year-old straight female, been with my husband for ten years, married for six. When we first started dating, I was an extremely jealous person. Fortunately, I got it under control with lots of therapy. But once I did, I started having fantasies about him hooking up with other people. We incorporated these fantasies in the bedroomâas a fantasyâand it was insanely hot. Anyways, I had a baby a year ago. It took some time for my libido to come back, but she is back with a vengeance. Iâm horny all the time. Iâm so horny that when my husband mentioned that an old friend of his who lives in another city was getting flirty, I immediately encouraged him to see if anything might come of it. With my blessing, he shared with her that I might be a cuckquean. (Sticking with âmightâ for now, as weâve never...
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Completely Confused Cuckquean
When I shared your letter with Venus, the host of the Venus Cuckoldress Podcast, she responded with three words and one exclamation point: âThe elusive cuckquean!â
Cuckolding is a loving, consensual, âone-sided open relationship,â as Venus likes to describe it, and most self-identified cuckolds are men. Itâs rare to encounter a cuckquean in the wildâthat is, a woman who gets off on her husband or boyfriend sleeping with other women. Iâve received hundreds of letters over the years from men who wanted to be cuckolds (some gay, most straight or bi), but only a handful of letters from women like you, CCC. You are a rare flower, a black swan, a precious gem.
And what you describeâthat feeling of arousal and dread, titillation and anxietyâis so common among wannabe and even practicing cucks that Venus gave it a name (and a whole segment of her podcast): cuck angst.
âThat emotional angst comes with a beautifully complex cuckolding relationship,â said Venus. âTo be able to process and overcome damaging jealousy and turn it into something highly erotic is truly an emotional feat. It's something I admire so much about cuckolds and cuckqueans.â
While cuck angst can be confusing, CCC, itâs not disqualifying. If your angst is manageable and the rewards are worth the effortâand if your partner can help you manage it in an affirming wayâyou can get to a place where you want to realize your fantasies. But like, say, bungee jumping, CCC, itâs still gonna be scary.
âOne minute it can feel great and the next minute it can feel terrifying,â said Venus. âBut your partner plays a big role in providing reassurance and support for you during all of this. I know of a wife who wrote a thoughtful letter to her cuckold husband in advance of her first encounter with another man. It was for him to read if his cuck angst became overwhelming, and it turned out to be exactly what he needed at that moment. He was able to work through the anxiety and make room for the excitement and thrill of thinking about his wife with another man.â
The partner of a cuck has to strike tricky balance. Youâre going to need your husband to acknowledge your insecurities and offer reassurances to minimize them, CCC, but you donât want those insecurities to disappear. For most cucks, eroticized insecurities are at the heart of the cuckolding/cuckqueaning kinkâno insecurities, no thrills. And while this can sound like a lot of effort to someone who doesnât share this kink (or have a kink that requires emotional prep and aftercare), the rewardsâthe experiences youâll share, the connections youâll make, the orgasms youâll haveâcan be great.
âBut be prepared for some ups and downs,â warned Venus, âbecause cuckolding is truly an emotional rollercoaster.â
And pleaseâplease, please, pleaseâdonât rush into your first cuckquean experience just because this particular woman happens to be in town this particular weekend. âTaking things slow is the key to success,â said Venus. âThere's always room to move forward with flirty teasing but having to take steps backwards due to jumping into things too quickly is never easy.â
Itâs not easy to bounce back from a bad threesome that accidentally triggered feelings of jealousy, CCC, but it can be done. A bad first experience with cuckoldingâwhere one person typically wants to be made to feel jealous and/or inadequateâcan destroy a relationship. Learning where the line is between âgood/badâ feelings (sexy jealousy) and âbad/badâ feelings (unsexy jealousy) takes time and not just good communication, CCC, but excessive communication.
Follow Venus on Twitter @CuckoldressV and check out her personals site for men and women seeking cuckold relationships at www.venusconnections.com.
I'm a 30-year lesbian who listens to your podcast and reads your column religiously. I'm in a long-term monogamous relationship, and Iâm very much in love with my girlfriend. I recently told her that I want to explore my kinks and my sexuality and may need an open or at least a monogamish relationship. It looks like she isnât into that. Perhaps we are sexually incompatible and need to part, but what if I act on my fantasies (swinging, orgies, BDSM) and then find out that I'm not really into any of it? Then I would have given up an otherwise good relationship for nothing. Iâve never tried any of the things I mention, so what if theyâre just things I should masturbate about? Mainly, I get very turned on by the thought of being fucked by a group of women wearing strap-ons. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the verge of a life-changing sexual discovery and other times I feel like I just want to stay home with my dog. Where do I go from here? Should I continue just masturbating to these fantasies or do you think that a glorious kinky future awaits me?
Suddenly Thinking Repeatedly About Passionate Orgies Now
Youâre gonna have to make your best guess, STRAPON.
If you think staying with your current girlfriend and not acting on these fantasies and never getting to fully explore these fantasies will cause you to resent your girlfriend, and your resentment will become a cancer that eventually kills your relationshipâif thatâs your best guessâthen you should end things with your girlfriend now. But if you wouldnât be able to enjoy the experience of being pegged by a roomful of hot women because youâre filled with regret about dumping your girlfriend for something so âtrivialâ as a few easier-to-fantasize-about-than-realize sexual fantasiesâif thatâs your best guessâthen make up your mind never to act on these fantasies. (I put âtrivialâ in quotes because I donât think thereâs anything trivial about sexual fantasies.)
But I gotta say⌠when you think about setting these fantasies aside⌠itâs not your girlfriend you see yourself cozying up with at home, STRAPON, itâs your dog. Well, Iâm here from the kinky future to tell you that you can attend an orgy or BDSM play party and go home to your dog afterwards. So, you can have your orgies and your play parties and your dog too; itâs your girlfriend you may not be able to have.
But is it your girlfriend you want? Or is it your dog?
If you want it allâyour girlfriend, your dog, your adventuresâthere may still be a way. You say it âlooks likeâ your girlfriend isnât interested in opening the relationship. Which means she didnât rule it out. So itâs my turn to venture a guess, STRAPON: Iâm thinking your girlfriend mightâve had a different reaction to your request to open your relationship if you had invited her along on these proposed adventures. Instead of saying, âIâd like to have hot sexual experiences involving other people on my own while you wait at home with the dog,â try saying this: âIâd like us to have some hot sexual adventures togetherâyou and me, the two of us, and some hot women who dig us both!â Inviting your girlfriend to run around with you, STRAPON, instead of asking for her permission to run around on her, could get you from âlooks like a noâ to the kind of qualified yes that can becomeâwith time, patience, and open and honest communicationâan enthusiastic yes.
Hey quick announcement â weâre updating the comments section in next week! On November 3rd, weâll be switching over to Disqus, a platform that allows things like comment threading so itâll be way easier to start and follow a conversation. Youâll have to make a new account to comment - or link your Google, Facebook, or Twitter account - so I wanted to give everyone a heads up.
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