Smoking Ban/Downtown/Sun Jan 28/10:58 pm: Officer Kallis responded to a report of a knife fight outside the Noc Noc nightclub. "I contacted the victim who told me the following: He was sitting on the sidewalk, eating some food. [The suspect] was standing next to him, smoking a cigarette. [The victim] asked [the suspect] to move away from him while he ate. [The suspect] told him to 'fuck off,' and continued to smoke. [The victim] became angry and took his artificial leg and threw it on the ground. [The suspect] pulled out a folding knife and pointed it at him and said, 'I'm gonna kill you.'"

The victim identified in the report is a well-known Pioneer Square transient. According to a Noc Noc bartender, "He always sits out there with his rotten-ass leg and throws his garbage around." Bouncer Mike Hidalgo, who witnessed the January 28 incident, says the would-be attacker had been smoking not a cigarette, but a crack pipe. When the victim, trying to enjoy his dinner on the sidewalk, got mad and threw his leg, the smoker "put his pipe away and pulled out a knife." Another doorman Maced the man with the knife and called the cops. The suspect, who also had an outstanding warrant for escape, was arrested and booked into King County Jail.

Caught Dirt Handed/Downtown/Mon Jan 29/12:30 am: Officers Walker and Moran were on patrol downtown when they noticed the wreckage of several flowers pulled from the planters outside Nordstrom. Soon thereafter, they intercepted Monica Aird and Alexandra Austin, who were running westbound on Pine Street. The women both had dirt on their hands. Moran "asked if they were the ones that had pulled out the plants and they stated yes.... Both suspects were intoxicated and difficult to deal with. Austin became argumentative stating there were rapists on the [loose] and why were we picking on her." The suspects were booked into the King County Jail.

Aird, 26, says the plan to get into trouble began with a bottle of tequila she'd been given for Christmas. She and Austin, 22, consumed the bottle, and spent the rest of the evening downing pitchers at Capitol Hill bars. In the beginning, Aird says, "Our goal was to get kicked out of a bar." They nearly succeeded at the Wildrose, which was hosting a viewing party for The L Word, a Showtime drama about lesbians. "I was just commenting on how awful the show was," says Aird, who studies film at Shoreline Community College. After a scolding by a patron, Aird and Austin left the bar of their own accord. Neither can remember the genesis of their decision to liberate Nordstrom's pansies. When police pulled up, Austin walked up to the cruiser and said with a smile, "What's the problem, officers?"

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Aird brokered a deal in which their freedom would be exchanged for replanting the vegetation. Her coconspirator was less conciliatory. Given the choice between jail and a fine up at the precinct, Austin told the officer, "Whatever makes your dick feel bigger, buddy." The two novice inmates, who are both vegetarians, soon learned that bologna sandwiches are breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the King County Jail. Austin gave her sandwich to a cellie named Uncle, who taught her prison lingo. Aird's cellmate offered to braid her hair. They were released the next day.

avaldez@thestranger.com