In lieu of an informative column, here is a truncated list of things I said in 2012, provided entirely out of context. (As if that would help.) —Humpy
"I do not outwardly dislike old people. This is because when I do outwardly dislike them, they tend to shake their walkers at me, accuse me of being 'ageist,' and then wander off, forgetting what they were yelling at me about in the first place."
"Ben Franklin felt lonely as he stepped out of the shower. Rubbing the rough towel over his moist naked body, he was struck by the realization he hadn't felt the soft caressing touch of a lover since that cold, cold winter he dry-boned Betsy Ross. Suddenly... the bathroom door flew open. It was Wm.™ Steven Humphrey dressed as a British Redcoat! 'Ha-haaa!' Humphrey noisily purred, his bulging groin pulsating with sexual intent. 'Me thinks a certain founding father is in need of a patriotic dry boning!'"
"So the twins were instructed to decide between themselves who would drink the donkey semen and who would drink the donkey urine—a true 'Sophie's Choice,' wouldn't you say?"
"Have I mentioned that America loves fireworks? That's because they metaphorically symbolize us sticking a Roman candle up the fanny of King George—which is both hilarious and disturbing. I mean, that would really hurt. But maybe having an exploded, burned anus taught him a valuable lesson about taxation without representation."
"QUESTION: If common mouthwash can be 10 percent alcohol, then why can't I sell 10 percent Valium pills over the counter? ANSWER: I can and I will."
"MEN'S GYMNASTICS: Other than engorging my penis with blood, why does this event exist?"
"Holocostco—that's a terrible name for a discount store."
"YAY SURROGATE MOMS! YAY GAYS! BOOO LITERALLY COOKING BABIES! BOOOOOO GLEE!!"
"A crude but effective vibrator can be fashioned by attaching an angry hive of bees to the end of a cucumber. HA! Electricity-schmecknicity. WHO NEEDS IT?!?"
"Now, I'm not saying that Tony's new Macaroni & Cheese Pizza is worse than the Holocaust—because that would be insulting to Hitler. He'd be like, 'DUDE. I admit I hated Jews, Poles, and the gays—but Tony's Pizza hates EVERYBODY. Macaroni & Cheese Pizza? Man. That's ice cold.'"
"Batman is a total... dick. First, he calls himself the 'world's greatest detective.' Umm... Encyclopedia Brown is the world's greatest detective, dick!"
"I firmly believe in the adage 'humor trumps cruelty,' and if it's a choice between making someone cry or delivering an insanely hilarious joke—well, that's why they invented Puff's lubricated tissues."
"UGHHNHH! Why is everybody always trying to manipulate me? Just 10 minutes ago, my editor tells me I need to write gooder. Psssht! I've been writing this column for more than 15 years, and my writing has only improvend. (Or at least it had not been more worsenening.)"
"Hey, I did MY job over the last four years... pleasuring each and every one of you to the best of my epic abilities. I upheld my end of the bargain! So even if the president isn't a magical unicorn genie who shoots sparkly rainbows and Skittles out of his bottom, I am STILL Wm.™ Steven Humphrey—and I STILL love you, long, LONG time."
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 26
9:00 CBS KENNEDY CENTER HONORS
Celebrating the lives and careers of such notables as Dustin Hoffman, David Letterman, and (YES!) Led Zeppelin.
10:00 E! THE SOUP
It’s the annual “Clipdown Special” featuring the most hilariously humiliating TV clips of the year!
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 27
9:00 LIF PROJECT RUNWAY: ALL STARS
The contestants are ordered to design a Broadway-inspired line of what will surely be terrible clothing.
11:00 SHO DAVE’S OLD PORN
Season finale! Dave Attell’s comedian friends sit around making fun of classic porn. (Which is better than watching them masturbate, I guess?)
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 28
10:00 E! FASHION POLICE
It’s the end of the year roundup, which means that anyone who didn’t get insulted, will get insulted.
10:00 LIF TEEN TROUBLE
Debut! A new reality series where a therapist helps families with “out of control teens”—JUST LIKE YOU WERE.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 29
8:00 LIF SHE MADE THEM DO IT—Movie
(2012) The true story of an escaped female murderess—costarring Mackenzie “One Day at a Time” Phillips! EEEE!!!
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 30
9:00 E! THE REAL 50 SHADES OF GREY
An E! “investigative report” about real housewives who were inspired by the book to… to… BLECHH!!! I CAN’T SAY IT!!
MONDAY, DECEMBER 31
10:00 ABC DICK CLARK’S NEW YEAR’S ROCKIN’ EVE
Host Ryan Seacrest looks on lustfully as the ball drops.
10:00 NBC NEW YEAR’S EVE WITH CARSON DALY
Host Carson Daly looks on lustfully at Ryan Seacrest.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 1
8:00 AM HALL TOURNAMENT OF ROSES PARADE
For anyone not nursing a hangover, or refusing to go to sleep. (Lay off the cocaine, btw! The party’s OVER.)
5:00 ESPN ROSE BOWL GAME
Football! (For those of you who didn’t take my advice about the cocaine. Lay off the chicken wings, btw!)
Twitter! Quote me on that. @WmSteveHumphrey