Hello, everyone. I'm Wm.™ Steven Humphrey--author of the popular column I Love Television™--and I'm here to say a few words about "getting served." The art of competition permeates our society, on the playground, at home, and in the office. However, did you know there are literally thousands of people engaging in competitions at this very moment, who aren't really competing at all? These unfortunate people are forgetting or choosing to ignore the most important component of competition--"trash talk."
"Trash talk," or the use of hyperbolic nonsensical verbiage to confuse and intimidate your opponent, is as necessary to competition as wearing the right pair of sneakers. The timely and frequent use of "trash talk" can often mean the difference between groveling in defeat and gloating in the sweet backwash of victory. Do you think Churchill wasn't trash-talking when he served Adolf Hitler? See, Churchill was all like, "Awwww, HELL NO! I know you didn't just step. I know you didn't just step to ME, you tiny-mustached bitch. You think YOU got bombs? Well, look what I got. BOOM! It's ON!" Or something to that effect.
So for those who lack the necessary trash-talking skills, I would like to introduce my current favorite TV show of all time, Kenny vs. Spenny (Thursdays, 10 pm, Game Show Network). A Canadian original, Kenny vs. Spenny is a game show of sorts where two lifelong best friends (Kenny Hotz and Spencer Rice) compete against one another in the most idiotic contests imaginable. Among the many competitions are such inspired tests as "Who can sit on a cow the longest?" Or, "Who is the best male stripper?" Or, "Who is the sanest?" (In which both competitors are mentally judged by a panel of psychiatrists.)
However! The reason this show rules over anything you'll ever see on Wide World of Sports is because Kenny CHEATS. He cheats, if you'll excuse the phrase, like a motherfucker. While Spenny fights to win each competition honestly and without compromising his principles, Kenny will take the elevator in a "Climb the stairs" challenge, rig an incredibly complicated harness in order to win the "Who can stand up the longest?" contest, and move furniture around during the "Who can stay blindfolded longest?" competition.
And while Kenny doesn't necessarily consider what he's doing "cheating" (he prefers to call it "intellectually outsmarting his opponent"), the trash-talking flies fast and furious and ultimately contributes to the final outcome of the game--which is what I've been trying to tell you all along!!
So check out the heeee-larious Kenny vs. Spenny, and the next time a coworker is under the mistaken impression he can defeat you in a prune-eating contest, simply tell him, "BOOM! It's ON!" (And afterwards, be sure to lock him out of the bathroom.)