You wouldn't always know it to hear me talk, but there are some sexual kinks in the world besides BDSM. I don't always know so much about them, but luckily I have nasty friends. I was having dinner with some people recently when a kind man explained to me the difference between "furries" and "plushies." (Yes, I missed that CSI show about them.) Furries, he said, identify with animals, and frequently dress up like them. And some furries like to have sex in their animal suits, although apparently there is some kind of cultural schism between people looking for what they call yiff parties--"yiff" means "sex" in furry parlance--and furries who play the part, but who disapprove of those seeking fur-suit sex.

"And plushies?" I asked.

"That's people who like to masturbate with stuffed animals," he answered. Now, I pride myself on being an open-minded girl. But stuffed animals? That's weird. I mean, wouldn't you get them all messy? What, do you Scotch Guard them first?

And I'm told some people cut a hole in the stuffed animal to, ahem, facilitate entry--but doesn't the stuffing come out? Is that the stuffed animal equivalent of blood sports? See, I just don't get it. I think it's harmless enough, but weird.

And even the sex-in-furry-suits thing sounded kinda silly. I admit that once, at a Halloween party at a nudist resort, I picked up a guy who was wearing tufted ears, a long fuzzy tail, and very elaborate body makeup in the style of the musical Cats. We went out and had sex in my car, and when we were finished, we went back into the party, where my friends were kind enough to point out that a lot of his make-up was now smeared all over me. They were highly amused, and I was mildly embarrassed, but he didn't seem upset by it at all. Perhaps he wasn't a genuine furry.

Anyway, in the name of being open to new kinks, I went and looked at some furry porn online to see if I could eroticize it.

Observation number one: A guy's pink, hairless dick looks sort of silly and diminished coming out of a black bear costume.

Observation number two: I bet it gets really, really sweaty in there.

Observation number three: A lot of furry porn seems to be gay. I couldn't find any porn with fur-suit sex involving women, although I'm sure it's out there somewhere. (No, I would not care to help make any, thank you.)

Observation number four: I have always found Siegfried and Roy's enthusiasm about their pets to be a trifle suspicious, even before Roy came out on the wrong end of a lover's spat with one of them. But, all right, after looking at some pictures, I can sort of see how someone might find it sexy to get fucked by someone dressed as, say, a tiger--not enough to try it myself, necessarily, but enough to make it vaguely comprehensible.

So the furry thing doesn't really excite me. I do have one non-BDSM kink, though, and that's foot fetishism. Now, I know you can incorporate foot worship into a BDSM scene. You could do Japanese rope bondage on Tigger, too--lots of kinks are mix 'n' matchable. But feet and furries are both stand-alone fetishes as well. I enjoy having my feet touched and kissed and played with so much that I'm generally happy to structure that kind of play however my partner wants. In the dungeon, in my leather corset? Fine. In the living room, in shorts and a halter-top? That's fine too. I've even pretended to be a shy, demure little foot-virgin. As long as it involves my toes in your mouth, it's all good.

Hey, maybe that's why I don't get turned on by the furry thing. There are no mouths in those fur suits. Those big costume heads--there's no way to get to someone's mouth. And it seems like that's gonna rule out a lot of the fun parts of sex right there. Because while fur is soft and nice to stroke, it's not smooth and wet and slippery, like someone's tongue sliding deliciously in between my toes. That's what I call yiffy.