Iâm a bisexual male in the U.S. Army Reserves who was deployed to Iraq about a year ago. I never came out or told anyone that Iâm a sometimes cocksucker. I did, however, talk quite freely about my experiences at swingers parties with my ex-girlfriend. Over the course of the deployment, two other male soldiers discreetly approached me looking for some action. I can only assume they felt comfortable coming out to me because Iâd demonstrated such a blasĂ© attitude about sex in general.
So this kind of stuff happens. And my advice to ILYA is: In casual conversation with Basra, make it known that you donât see why homosexuality in the army is such a big deal. Be cool and donât press the point; just state your beliefs. Basraâs response should give you clues on how to proceed. It might even be the opening heâs been looking for to...
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Iâm a bisexual male in the U.S. Army Reserves who was deployed to Iraq about a year ago. I never came out or told anyone that Iâm a sometimes cocksucker. I did, however, talk quite freely about my experiences at swingers parties with my ex-girlfriend. Over the course of the deployment, two other male soldiers discreetly approached me looking for some action. I can only assume they felt comfortable coming out to me because Iâd demonstrated such a blasĂ© attitude about sex in general.
So this kind of stuff happens. And my advice to ILYA is: In casual conversation with Basra, make it known that you donât see why homosexuality in the army is such a big deal. Be cool and donât press the point; just state your beliefs. Basraâs response should give you clues on how to proceed. It might even be the opening heâs been looking for to come out to you. If he at least agrees with you, you can probably come out to him without risking an ass kicking. And if he turns out to be a rabid homophobe, you can euthanize your dreams and move on.
Been There, Done Soldiers
Iâm 23, straight, and signed on for the navy about four months ago. I assume you had much of the same paperwork that I did. If I recall correctly, I signed like five different papers saying that if I participated in homosexual activity I can be thrown out on my ass. Now I may not agree with the rules, but they are there. I guess you have a judgment call to make. Even if youâre willing to deal with the possibility of getting the crap beat out of you, youâve got to ask yourself if youâre willing to give up your job for your crush, too.
No Clever Acronym
I am a straight former soldier who would like to remind him just how ignorant, homophobic, and violent soldiers actually are by relating my own story.
Fifteen years ago, while stationed in Germany with the army infantry, I made an anti-gay joke to a fellow soldier. It involved me using an effeminate voice and concluded with the line: âYou wanna get your dick sucked?â Well, one of the ignorant hotheads in our company was approaching at that moment and heard only the last six words without any context. He must have concluded that I was gay and was hitting on our colleague. Several days later this guy and a couple of his buddies jumped me outside a bar, calling me a faggot. They beat me down and slammed my head into a parked car. I spent a day and a half in a German hospital with a broken wrist, concussion, black eye that was swollen shut, and a whole new sympathy for the hatred directed at the gay community. My attackers received the proverbial slap on the wrist from our commanders.
This episode taught me three important lessons:
1. Donât tell anti-gay jokes. Theyâre not funny and can have totally unforeseen consequences.
2. Homophobia is everybodyâs problem, because if someone is stupid and ignorant enough to be a homophobe, his gaydar probably sucks.
3. Never let your soldier colleagues even THINK that youâre gay! Your crush may not beat you down, but thereâs an excellent chance that someone else will.
Straight Gay-Bashing Victim
Iâve done combat tours in Afghanistan and Iraq, and Iâm working on my fourth year of service in the army. My advice to ILYA? Drop it. Finish your tour. It canât be more than four years total, and if youâre really gay, youâd be happier leaving the service in the end. If you think Basra is The One, then contact him once youâve left active duty and thereâs no professional or personal danger.
Common Military Sense
Aside from the obvious advice against dating someone in the same unit, I would advise ILYA to just leave Basra alone, keep his feelings to himself, and not reenlist if he wants to be out of the closet. Until there is a more enlightened set of regulations regarding homosexuality (and I wish there were), homosexuals are going to have to remain âclosetedâ if they want to continue serving. Sorry, thatâs just the way it is in the service.
ILYA, you knew exactly what you were getting yourself into when you promised to defend our nation and obey lawful orders and regulations. The âdonât ask, donât tellâ policy is widely known, yet you chose to join up. I donât want to sound mean or insensitive, but suck it up and drive on to your ETS date. Once you get out of the army, feel free to find a nice guy.
No Witty Nickname
I am gay and have successfully served for three years, primarily because I donât date guys in the army, and because I keep my personal life far removed from my professional life. Itâs lonely, itâs not fair, but itâs one of the many sacrifices that come with service. If heâs so reckless that he is willing to hit on his roommate, of all people, heâs almost certainly going to be discovered sooner or later.
In any workplace, relationships lead to drama, but in the army itâs even harder to keep an affair a secret. Whether his roommate does something dumb and accidentally exposes both of them, whether another gay service member gets jealous and exposes them, or someone just finds it fishy that neither ever date but they spend an awful lot of time in their room together with the door locked, word is going to get around.
Iâm sure youâll get a handful of letters from soldiers who tell you that theyâre out and no one in their unit cares, but these are like the 90-year-old smokers who tell you that tobacco is harmless. The bottom line is that heâs taking a risk. There is no sure-fire way to protect himself physically or professionally, and if he isnât prepared to face the likelihood of everyone finding out, he shouldnât try to dip his pen in the company ink.
This Manâs Army
P.S. If he thinks that a likely reaction from this roommate would be to beat the shit out of him, this roommate might not be quality boyfriend material even if he is gay. But thatâs another issue.
Fraternization between two service members working in the same unit is frowned upon because itâs unwise. This doesnât discriminate between homosexuals and heterosexualsâjust look back on all your general military training and you know all the answers: It threatens unit cohesion. What happens when things go sour between two lovers in the same work center/platoon? Most likely, you both carry around some resentment and are no longer able to work or train together effectively. Now take that into a survival situationâwhile I doubt most people would be cretinous enough to disregard your life, you have just spent an entire work-up cycle not firing on all cylinders. Yes, it sounds a little schmaltzy, but think about your unit and its mission. You are obligated to the unitâs best interests for the safety of you and those you work with.
Yes, I know that in practice straights in the same unit sometimes have romantic/sexual relationships (so do gaysâor so Iâve heard), but it does go against the order and usually ends up more trouble than itâs worth.
Call Me Ahab
Regarding the whole âdropping hints to the best friend heâs attracted to who also happens to be a maleâ thing, Iâve got this to say: no, and again, no. Thereâs a time and place to out oneself, and the desert during a frigginâ war is so not either of them. Iâm speaking as a pretty balanced bisexual male in the military, whoâs danced along the edge of ambiguity without more than speculation against me for six years. Itâs challenging enough to get your needs met on a noncombat base if youâre bi or gay. Trying to do so in a war zone is honestly tantamount to suicide. ILYA needs to keep his cock in his pants, and his sexuality in his mind, until heâs at a place where the phrase âtaking a shot in the faceâ is a pleasant euphemism and not a literal threat. At least if he masturbates, he can claim to have been thinking of a girl.
SRA
I was in the Marine Corps for five yearsâwell almost five. I got kicked out after giving head to a guy who freaked out a good bit into it. Still, my advice to ILYA is to get drunk with this guy and if it happens, it happens. I had some really, really good experiences with guys in the Marines and they were all good friends. That one guy I blew, though, was not a friend and I got careless. Let the beer do the talking. Just you two together, some beer and good music never hurts. Remember, if you go slow a friend isnât gonna freak. Yeah, you might get kicked out but, dude, my discharge never once affected my life and you wonât have an arm blown off.
Good luck from an ex-marine who served with a âfewâ good men.
Eric
I am a soldier currently deployed to Iraq. Iâm straight and neither homophobic nor homophilic. My advice to ILYA is to knock it off. Stop sending signals subtle or otherwise, and stop looking for signals that may not be there.
I donât think he or his battle buddy would be in any danger, but if the rumor gets around that one or both of them is gay, it could ruin their chances at an army career if that is what either of them wants. And it could damage unit cohesion. If Basra is not gay, ILYAâs come-ons could damage their friendship and the working relationship they have. A war zone is no place for that kind of pressure
Deployments are a year long and I know that seems like an eternity when youâre young, but it will end. Once off deployment and at their home station ILYA can then ask Basra if he is interested.
Love the column by the way.
D.S.
I spent five repressed years in the army and only once did I breach the boundaries of good taste and common sense. As a result, I was discovered by my immediate supervisor (a beautiful Mexican man who I had also been lusting after). I convinced him that what he saw was innocent, he believed me, it blew over.
ILYA might do well to engage in an indirect âwhat ifâ scenario style conversation with his object of affection. At some point when they have some modicum of privacy he should aver that he does not have any problem whatsoever with gays. He will know by his friendâs response whether to proceed with any course that might lead them to the âunder what circumstance would you suck a cock?â conversation. The best-case scenario is that Basra will suggest a weekend pass in a neutral zone. The worst-case scenario is that he will ask him, âWhatâs up with you and all this fag shit?â
Field Artilleryman
Iâm not in the U.S. Army, but I was in the Canadian Navy for more than 10 yearsâand if that doesnât establish my credentials on the left side of the military debate, I donât know what will. Hell, we were accepting gays long before Clinton betrayed both left and right with the âdonât ask, donât tellâ debacle.
But when I read the letter by In Love Yet Afraid, my gut feeling was an immediate no, no, no. Donât even think about it. Stay away. Take 10 deep breaths and a cold shower. Itâs not just the threat of physical violence, or even the complete unpredictability of Basraâs reaction (which could be negative even if he is gay, and wants to stay closeted). First of all, even if Basra were to enthusiastically welcome ILYAâs initiative, how long would it be before the romance collapsed and life became hell for them both? Itâs like any office romanceâno, worse, because they live and work so closely. People who work that closely shouldnât be dating, especially in a homophobic environment like the U.S. Army.
Even if that didnât happen, and everything went perfectly, how long would it be before someone else in their unit figured it out? Young men arenât long on restraint. Then theyâd both be in deep, deep shit. Official and unofficial.
But while those are compelling, real-world reasons, theyâre not the main reason ILYA should rein himself in. The main reason can be summed up a single word: professionalism. Being in the military isnât about being a boy with toys. Itâs a profession, and those who choose it should act the part. That goes for the dicks who persecute gays in the military, too, by the way.
Among Them, But Never of Them
As a former army soldier (albeit female) and war vetâromance under any âfieldâ conditions regardless of the leanings is a bad idea. Your writer, ILYA, needs to first and foremost focus on his mission at hand. His distraction, as you aptly pointed out, could mean some injury or worse yet, death. Iâm not suggesting that he cannot pursue a deeper friendship with Basra. In fact, thatâs probably his best course of action. Once heâs finished overseas and back in garrison, heâs in a better place to perhaps share his secret with Basra. After a longer time of getting to know Basra, heâll also have a better idea if he can trust him enough to do just that. He should also trust his gut instinct of not trusting Baghdad. My time in the service most definitely taught me to trust my gut instinct.
So take your time, ILYA. Learn more about Basra. It sounds clichĂ©, but if the two of you are meant to be together, you will be. But it will be when youâre finished in the war zone.
Be safe. Come home safe, too.
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