Control Tower
Man Seeking Woman
by Mistress Matisse
âItâs 2006,â he said earnestly. âAnd this year, Iâm gonna put up a personal ad so I can meet some kinky girls!â
Iâve heard this from several different guys lately, and I think itâs a grand idea. Not only have I used personal ads myself, I have also been privy to many conversations with kinky women who cruise the personal ads. So, let me give you some tips on how to impress the ladies of the fetish community.
Be honest and donât attempt to use insider lingo if youâre new to kink. You will invariably get part of it wrong, which will brand you as a foolish poser. Or itâll set you up for a date with someone you think is a really big Louis Armstrong fan⌠only to find that they mean the other kind of scat.
If youâre 23-years-old, you do not have 10 years of experience in kink. No, no, you really donât. Throwing lit matches at your bunkmates at summer camp does not count as a BDSM relationship.
On the other hand, a man over 50 who states that he is seeking women between 18â26 is courting ridicule and gold diggers.
Everyone is looking for âsomeone who is seriousâ and ânot into game playing.â Using these phrases is tantamount to saying you like to go for long walks on the beach. Another phrase to avoid: ââŚthe gift of your/my submission.â I know you mean well, but itâs become such an eye-rolling clichĂŠ that sheâll be hitting the back button as soon as she reads it.
To he who would be Master: Iâve heard a number of submissive women put forth the theory that there is an inverse ratio between a manâs skill as a dominant and how early in the communication cycle he mentions using blowjobs as a tool for âtrainingâ a submissive. Consider your approach here carefully.
Also, addressing all female submissives, generically, as âlittle oneâ or âlittle girlâ is about as suave as calling vanilla women âsexy mama.â You might as well wear a bad hairpiece.
To those seeking a Mistress: announcing you like to do âpussy worshipâ does not strongly differentiate you from 98 percent of the ads on the vanilla dating sites, let alone other male submissives. If you really want to jump off the page, let us know youâre willing to do âdirty dishes worship.â
Poetry in your ad? Usually a really bad idea. Especially if youâve written it yourself, and most especially if you try to rhyme âbondageâ with âhomage.â
Having, or being, a caged and naked sex slave is fineâfor a weekend. If you write an ad seriously stating that youâre looking for a relationship in which one of you lives in a dog crate indefinitely, you might as well entitle your profile âWhack Job Seeks Same!â
Speaking of whack jobs: Anyone who starts talking about relocation in the first e-mail exchange is not someone to whom Iâd give my home address. Ever.
Now, a word about picturesâalthough not a thousand of them. Guys, Iâm a very sex-positive girl, and even I donât want to see a close-up of your crankshaft before Iâve decided if I like you or not. So ix-nay on the nothing-but-dick pix, please. Iâve seen some attractive full-length nude shots, but generally, a head and (clothed) torso is best. I know some of you donât want to put your face in the shot, so Iâll grudgingly permit you some creative camera angles or cropping. But no silly face-hiding techniques. Those executioner masks, for example? No. The kindest possible interpretation would be that youâre going for Quentin Tarantinoâstyle irony. But, reallyâno.
And be careful of props. A motorcycle, for example, is a good prop. Pictures of you with your Ren faire sword are borderline, but no Captain Jack Sparrow hats. Pictures of you with your dog would probably be fine on a vanilla dating site, but it might raise niggling doubts on a kink site if you seem a little too affectionate.
The crucial thing to bring to the whole experience is a sense of humor about it. To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, loveâand the search for itâis much too important to be taken seriously.
THURSDAY 1/19
JACK OFF PARTY
Rain City Jacks is a private, men-only JO club thatâs alcohol-, smoke-, and attitude-free. Raincityjacks.org or rc@raincityjacks.org, 6:30â9:30 pm, membership required.
FRIDAY 1/20
REDMOND RANCH SWING CLUB
Swing club Redmond Ranch hosts âFantasy Night.â Single men must RSVP for waiting list, couples/single women can just show up, 425-868-8169. Doors at 7 pm, new people must arrive by 8 pm, $45 for couples/$25 for single women.
MALE MULTIPLE ORGASMS
Itâs not just for women! Sex educator Ian Hagemann discusses male-multiple-orgasm techniques in a safe and welcoming environment. School of One, 523-5544 or www.schoolofone.com, 8â10 pm, $20 donation requested.
MEN-ONLY NIGHT
BDSM play party for the boys. Wet Spot, men-only@wetspot.org or 270-9746, 10 pmâ3 am, $15, male ID required, membership required.
SATURDAY 1/21
LOVE LOUNGE SEATTLE
Love Lounge is an âadult social clubâ that holds events for bi women and male/female couplesâno single men, please. Lovelounge@lovelounge.net, 9:30 pm, no cover, membership required, 21+.
PERSONAL SAFETY FOR PERVERTS
Meeting new prospective partners? Jennifer of Libido Events discusses first meetings, safe calls, negotiating, safe words, what to do when things go wrong, and abuse of power. Wet Spot, wetspot.org or 270-9746, 3:30â5:30 pm, $20, membership not required.
TELEPATHIC COMMUNICATION: THE KEY TO UNLOCKING THE SASQUATCH MYSTERY
Social scientist, world traveler, and preeminent Sasquatch researcher Kewaunee Lapseritis holds forth on the kinky key to cracking the Sasquatch mysteryâtelepathic communication! Seattle Museum of the Mysteries, 623 Broadway E, 328-6499, 7-9 pm, $5.
SUNDAY 1/22
KINK TASTINGS
Are you a newcomer whoâd like a little sample of bondage, flogging, needle-play, or other BDSM techniques? Explore different kink sensations with experienced volunteers. Wet Spot, wetspot.org or 270-9746, 7â11 pm, $10, membership required.