Ring Ring!

Me: Hello

Caller: Um, yes, is this Mistress Matisse?

Me: Yes, are you calling about making an appointment?

Caller: Yeah, sort of. I was told that I had to call you.

This is never a good beginning. When someone starts off like this, what it means is that he wants to engage in some kind of nonconsensual role-play with me. He wants to pretend that he's not calling me to book a session because he wants to, no, no. He's calling me because someone else is compelling him to. The usual line is that some authority figure has caught him being "bad" and has sentenced him to be punished—by me.

I have no problem playing that kind of game once I've talked to someone a little bit and gotten a feel for him. In fact, I rather like it—I do a great turn as the sadistic human resources director, for example. I put on a black suit, do my hair in a bun, and get a file folder full of mysterious documents that I leaf through, shaking my head. "Your job performance has been completely unacceptable, Mr. Smith, and what's this about you looking at porn on your company computer? I can see I'm going to have to take some disciplinary action here. This company has some... unconventional behavioral motivation techniques. You do want to keep your job here, don't you, Mr. Smith? Good. Bend over my desk."

Another favorite game of mine is to play "irate sex-toy store owner and red-handed shoplifter." While I doubt that the women at Babeland do this, in my fantasy world I don't call the police when I catch someone trying to steal a pair of panties or a butt plug. No, I deal with the matter personally.

But I'm not willing to start any of these kinds of role-plays first crack out of the box. I have no information about who this guy is and what he's looking for—I don't know where the boundaries are. Plus, consent goes both ways—just because I have an ad in the paper doesn't mean I'll play with anyone, at any time. It's important to establish to people I might meet that the Mistress has limits, too. So let's see if I can redirect this conversation.

Me: But you're calling me about seeing me for a session, yes?

Caller: Yes, because I have to. My ex-wife told me I had to. She told me if I didn't call you she'd take me back to court for more child support.

Wow, that's a new one. Mistress Matisse or family court, huh? Very creative. Guys who like to play this game usually say it's a female boss or coworker who's sent them, or a current wife or girlfriend. I wonder if this guy wanks off to Judge Judy. But he's not helping me out here, so let me try to be even more clear about what I want.

Me: I hear you telling me that you want to do a role-play where you're being forced to see me. That's fine, but I need you to put that aside for the moment, and talk to me outside that game, okay? Just tell me a little bit about what your experience is and what kinds of activities you're looking for.

Caller: No, really, my ex-wife is making me call you. She wants you to punish me. She's gonna take me to court if I don't come see you!

He's being very insistent about it, but I'm not buying. For one thing, I don't know a mother in the world who would let her kids go without the support she thought they were entitled to in exchange for her ex-husband getting spanked by me.

Me: You know, if I believed that was true, then I definitely wouldn't see you. I don't do BDSM with people unless they really want to play with me, and being pressured into it by your ex-wife doesn't count as wanting to play with me.

Caller: So you don't like to punish men?

Me: Only if they consent to it.

Caller: Huh. Guess I should have married you.

Kink Calendar



Instructor Miss Lori explores how to get more erotic juice into your life with exercises designed to get you to taste, touch, smell, and see more sensuously. School of One, 612-3511, 8–10 pm, $20 donation requested.


Socialize, flirt, and do BDSM with the girls. All orientations welcome. Wet Spot, 270-9746, women-only@wetspot.org, 9 pm–3 am, $15, members only, female ID required.



Learn to give and receive full-body erotic pleasure that stimulates your emotional and spiritual awareness. Spend two days rediscovering each other's erogenous zones in a safe, honoring, and playful setting. Contact Dennis Martin at 440-5310 or www.bodyelectric.org, $350 per person.



Spanking enthusiasts eat, socialize, and discuss the pleasures of the well-reddened behind while meeting in a discreet, no-pressure environment. Newcomers welcome. For info see www.chastenwood.com, 6 pm.



Burlesque performer Miss Indigo Blue will reveal the secrets of the erotic tease for use on the stage or in the boudoir. Babeland, 707 E Pike St, 328-2914, 7:30 pm, $30/sliding scale available.


This month's topic is "Bondage for Sex." Instructions and sexy demos! Wet Spot, 270-9746, www.bondagelessons.com, 2:30 pm, $30/$35, nonmembers welcome at workshop, members only at party to follow.


Kink for a cause: Law enforcement officials take to the roofs of Seattle's and Issaquah's Krispy Kreme stores for 60 straight hours, during which they'll sleep, eat, and "play" while collecting donations for the Special Olympics. Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, 12505 Aurora Ave N. and two other area locations. From 6 am Friday through 6 pm Sunday. Look at cops for free, doughnuts cost money.