I moved from Denver to be with you six years ago because you had an awesome bus system, you had oceans and mountains, you had perfect temperatures (if not enough sun), you had a nightlife, you were liberal, and you had plans—BIG plans. You told me about your light rail, and then your monorail. You told me about your urban revitalization, about your progressive agenda, about your trails and waterways. Six years have passed, and all I'm left with is my dick in my hand and a vitamin D deficiency. The light rail is years late, miles short, directionally challenged, and millions over budget. The monorail is dead; the SLUT is a joke. I'm priced out of your urban core, your liberal leadership is limper than Nickels and Chopp's dicks, your nightlife is being suffocated, and your trails are closed from lack of funding. So fuck you, Seattle, and good-bye. I'm headed back to Denver, where light rail is already built under budget and under time. I won't let the viaduct fall on me on my way out.