But before the crowds line up and the screenings begin and the HUMP! Awards are handed out, there's one question that we would like to answer: Why would a respected newspaper like The Stranger—indeed, Seattle's only newspaper—host an annual amateur-porn contest?

Why HUMP!?

Because The Stranger believes that we, as a free people, have a right to make short porn films. And we believe that our readers are adventurous and sexy. And once a year we want to see you—the loyal readers of Seattle's only newspaper—bare-ass naked.

That's why HUMP!.

And we're not the only ones who want to see our readers bare-ass naked. Tickets for this year's HUMP! sold out in two hours. We added more shows, and they sold out. We added more shows, and they sold out. There was an unmet demand for quality, amateur porn in Seattle and HUMP! filmmakers and actors have met with grace, courage, and impressive wood.

Below you'll find capsule reviews of all the HUMP! films that are in competition for the 2006 HUMP! Award. Even if you failed to get a ticket to HUMP!—Seattle's signature fall arts event—please join us at Havana on Saturday night for drinks with porn stars and the HUMP! Awards!

Now let's HUMP!

ATTACK OF THE NINJA FLUFFERS!
USA, 2006 (8 min.)
Dir. XXX

Moustaches. Hamburgers. Duct Tape. Taken one at a time, none of these elements are particularly sexy. Put them all together, add the lurid graininess of current video technology, and the overall effort becomes a gem of amateur porn action. We've all seen what so-called professional pornographers have to offer; Attack of the Ninja Fluffers! reminds us that amateurs are often the most creative. Even better, this film carries the ninja meme—introduced last year in Pirate vs. Ninja—into HUMP!'s second installment.

BOIS
USA, 2006 (5 min.)
Dir. XXX

A brazen work of arty smut, inspired by both the French New Wave and late-'30s German expressionism. Employing a sepia tone to create an otherworldly experience, Bois (translation: Wood) is high-minded, to be sure, but it nevertheless speaks to the lowbrow voyeur in all of us.

THE BOOKER HOSS SHOW
USA, 2006 (8 min.)
Dir. XXX

A massive hit at Cannes, where A.O. Scott of the New York Times declared it a "wondrously bleak cinematic invention that titillates even as it dares you not to look away."Our own panel of experts agree, finding it to be one of the most ambitious of this year's Hump! offerings. Booker Hoss features a six-foot-tall Hostess pastry, a nasty gangbang, and offers up more cock in eight minutes than Club Z does in a month.

CONDOMENTS
USA, 2006 (1 min.)
Dir. XXX

The purest and most primitive of all seasonings and une serviette, the most refined of all table implements, come together in this short film. An allegory that challenges all of the audience's assumptions about what constitutes pornography, Condoments is a lo-fi meditation on race and class. The most complex and troubling issues we face as a society are the implicit players in this the coarse film, which also touches on the pleasures of dry humping amid the affected luxury of a fine dining establishment. Active and passive role-playing (consumption versus service, and vice versa) are also addressed. This HUMP! entry will be discussed in college-level cinema classes for generations to come.

CUM ON LOVE!!! BO LOGAN IS WAITING
USA, 2006 (8 min.)
Dir. XXX

This tale of one man's mission to give a woman her first orgasm finds inspiration in both the television series Cheers and Stanley Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange. HUMP! audiences will remember star Bo Logan from Bo Logan's Jack-Off Extravaganza, which took second place in last year's amateur porn competition. Viewers will be relieved to know that this time he doesn't ejaculate into his own mouth—accidentally or otherwise.

CUM SAIL AWAY
USA, 2006 (7 min.)
Dir. XXX

Many films are submitted to HUMP!, but not all can make it into competition. To winnow the field, The Stranger assembles a group of average porn consumers and screens all the entries. To aid in their deliberations, we tape record the discussion during the screening. These are actual quotes from this year's panel screening of Cum Sail Away: "Whoa!" "Oh. My. God." "Aieeeeeee!" "Is that her neck?" "What the fuck?!" "No way... shit, way!" "That ain't right." "Jesus fucking Christ!" "Look at all that hair!" "It just keeps going and going..." "No, really: What? The? fuck?" "I need another drink—HOLY SHIT! DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!?" "What's with the dog?" "How many dogs do they own?" "ACK! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!" And finally, "Wow. That's totally in."

CUTE SWEET HOT SEXY
USA, 2006 (3 min.)
Dir. XXX

Cute Sweet Hot Sexy more than lives up to its title, utilizing music and static images to entice, exhilarate, and ultimately enrapture its audience. The protagonists are sexy, the direction pitch-perfect in its simplicity, and once it's over you'll find yourself feeling flush and randy.

CYBERSEX
USA, 2006 (7 min.)
Dir. XXX

Computers and masturbation—together at last! This story of longing on the information superhighway never takes itself too seriously. Sometimes it's the simplest of tales that turn us on. Cybersex is one of those sometimes.

FAIRIES ON A FERRY
USA, 2006 (7 min.)
Dir. XXX

Winner of this year's coveted "Spot-On Title Award," Fairies on a Ferry involves a Washington State ferry, two skinny boys, a terror screening, copious amounts of lube, and enough hot gay action to give Pat Robertson a stroke.

FAST AND HARD IN THE WILD WEST
USA, 2006 (8 min.)
Dir. XXX

Like Brokeback Mountain, but without all that gay stuff, this film takes American western lore and turns it on its head. A seemingly simple tale of jealousy and dusty machismo, the film climaxes with a good ol' dousing of love sarsparilla. The cinematography and production design are impressive, the sex explicit and splashy, all set to live musical accompaniment by an olde tyme saloon piano player.

FUCKING SEATTLE
USA, 2006 (8 min.)
Dir. XXX

Part tourism video, part declaration of public love, this film is sure to change the very way you look at our fair city. Unfortunately, so ostentatious is its product placement that we suspect Paul Allen's Vulcan Corporation funded the production. Still, billionaire funding or no, there's enough smut on display to keep from dampening your spirits.

GETTIN' A LEG UP ON PORN
USA, 2006 (6 min.)
Dir. XXX

An inspired homage to innocent 16mm industrial films, Gettin' a Leg Up on Porn mines a rich vein of humor with its spot-on satire. Plus, the two hetero men on the panel agree: The woman in the film is, like, totally fucking hot.

AU HASARD BALTHAZAR
France, 1966 (95 min.)
Dir. XXX

A searing portrait of the unspeakable love between a poor waif and a simple donkey, Au Hasard Balthazar ("Hot Ass Sex") pulls no punches—emotional or donkey-wise. Perhaps the most shocking film in this year's HUMP!—or any amateur porn contest, for that matter. The filmmakers ignored HUMP!'s 8 minute time limit, but this HUMP! entry was so powerful, so transcendent, that an exception was made.

IGNIS FATUUS
USA, 2006 (3 min.)
Dir. XXX

Great pornography forces us to experience carnality from new, and exciting, angles. Ignis Fatuus does just that, employing slow motion and a colorful palette to stir our erotic juices in ways we could never expect.

JACKING OFF
USA, 2006 (3 min.)
Dir. XXX

Don't let the title fool you. Though clocking in at a lean three minutes, Jacking Off is an ambitious work of genius. With a keen eye for detail, this filmmaker tackles such normally serious topics as consumerism, interracial relationships, urban decay, and the power of corporations to colonize our erotic inner lives. Humorous but sexy, idea-rich but brief, Jacking Off will linger in your head long after you've made a mess in your lap.

LAWNBOY
USA, 2006 (8 min.)
Dir. XXX

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