Kelly O

With weekend weather almost hitting the 90-degree mark, I, like tons of other sweaty, ill-equipped Seattleites, looked toward Lake Washington. And because being childless proves awkward at Madrona Beach, and being too old and/or chubby at Madison Beach is completely out of the question, I found myself at Mount Baker Beach, where I met Lil' Bama the black beach towel. He'd been lying there all day in the grass with a half-empty can of Four MaXed. I thought it was beer, so I asked him if I could taste it. HOLY HELL IN A CAN. Four MaXed is a grape-flavored malt-liquor nightmare with a hellish amount of caffeine, taurine, and 10 percent alcohol. TEN PERCENT. It also has wormwood oil, in case the other ingredients just aren't enough. It tasted like carbonated Robitussin mixed with cheap vodka and grape Kool-Aid... it tasted like suicide in a Guyana jungle.

Li'l Bama says, "It's hard campaigning in this heat." Indeed.