School Guide

Dear Pupils, A Note from Your Princi"pal"

School Security

"A's" the E-Z Way

Surviving the Shoot-Out

Let's Choose a Mascot

School Uniforms: Where "Style" Meets "Safety"

Drop and Give Me 20 Ways to Get Involved in Sports

"Don't You Do It!"

Senior Popularity: Your Last Chance

Back to School Guide for the Gays

Banned Books: It's a Good Idea

Dear Students of Stranger Prep,

As you prepare to embark upon another year full of hope and promise, I would like to take a moment to explain why I will not be returning as your Sexual Education teacher. Sad though this may be, it will also hopefully alleviate any of your concerns regarding certain rumors which have been circulating—specifically, those rumors centered around one of your fellow students, Trish Vanderhaven, and myself.

Last spring, an unfortunate misunderstanding occurred between Ms. Vanderhaven and myself. I will not go into specifics, but this misunderstanding has led to an investigation of my teaching practices. As a result of this investigation, Principal Humphrey and I have come to the conclusion that it would be in the best interest of everyone if I resigned. It was a painful decision to make, but ultimately, the right one.

My goal as Sexual Education teacher has always been to educate you on sexual facts, as well as enlighten you on what it means to be a healthy sexual adult. And I believe I've been successful—even though some less-than-enlightened souls have labeled my methods as "unorthodox," or even more bluntly, "sicko." You see, as I've watched you grow both emotionally and physically, I've come to see many of you as my contemporaries, or "chums." This is why, in my curriculum, I often use the sexual terminology or slang that you and your contemporaries employ. For example, by using slang such as "the old pickle tickle," "polishing the knob," or "riding the wild baloney pony," I believe I've been better able to help my students move beyond any embarrassment they may feel about the act of sexual love—embarrassment which could possibly hinder the learning process.

You see, my theory is based on the belief that good sexual health leads to good mental health. Anyone who watches the news needs no reminding about Stranger Prep's national reputation for violent acts among its student body. However, I've tried to teach students to overcome their violent impulses by focusing this unhealthy energy toward some form of "sexual release." By using simple "parables"—If you feel like hitting somebody, masturbate; if you feel like bringing a gun to school, masturbate—I think I help my students manage their emotions, as well as keep our school a safer place.

As those who have taken my class know, I regard "love" as the highest form of human emotion, and believe it to be the ultimate healing tool—and if this "love" manifests itself in the form of a natural sexual act? Then so much the better. This is what I taught my students—sexual health for a more loving community, and ending violence through love. Unfortunately, it was these very teachings which led to the misunderstanding between Ms. Vanderhaven and myself.

Many of you know Trish Vanderhaven, and some of you are her friends. The sad fact you may not know is that last spring, she was diagnosed as a "bi-polar revolving dysfunctional schizophrenic." What does this mean? To put it simply, bi-polar revolving dysfunctional schizophrenia is a mental illness which often causes a person to lash out at people or objects in unusual and often emotionally hurtful ways. Now, as you know, I am a nurturer. And as one who nurtures, I suggested to Ms. Vanderhaven that in order to hasten the healing process, she should begin meeting with me daily after school—for therapy. It was during one of these therapy sessions that the misunderstanding between Ms. Vanderhaven and myself arose.

No one is at fault in a situation such as this. As a teacher, my number one goal is to help my students. Unfortunately, in this case, I could not help Ms. Vanderhaven. I realize now that no one responds successfully to every type of therapy, and so I (along with our school board and their legal team) have decided it would be in this institution's best interest if I continued my research in a different educational district.

I have enjoyed immensely my three years at Stranger Prep, and wish you all the best of luck, and sexual health—even Ms. Vanderhaven, who should not be blamed or ostracized for being the inadvertent cause of my dismissal. However, if you ever hear her speak to anyone regarding these unfounded rumors, you are to report her to Principal Humphrey immediately, as this is a direct violation of her settlement agreement.

I will miss the special, loving bonds I have forged with many of my students, and would like to leave you with one final lesson: When you begin school this year, try to remember what an old fogey like me once said—"Make love, not war." Or, better yet, in the words of someone from your own generation, MTV idol Kid Rock: "Now get in the pit, and try to love someone."

Yours Sincerely, Dr. Bradley M. Steinbacher, Sex. Ed.

We've Got Spirit!