by Dani Cone

You've chosen a fine city to unleash your girly gayness on, but there are a few things you should know.

MYTH: Seattle is the big city!

FACT: Though the Greater Seattle Area boasts a population pushing a million, this damn town is small. Really. Wait a week, turn around three times, and spit in the air. I guarantee you'll know the pissed-off person it lands on. In no time at all, freah meat, you will realize that you are sitting in the same room with not only that good-looking girl over there, but all of her exes as well.

MYTH: "I don't usually do this," or "I don't kiss and tell."

FACT: Yeah, not so much. She usually does do this, and she only tells her closest friend, of course, who won't ever say a thing except to her coworkers, not to mention the roommate who wants details in the morning, the kids on the morning shift at the coffee shop, and her somewhat ex who will now give you dirty looks.

MYTH: There's only one lesbian bar.

FACT: There really is only one lesbian bar. Lots of people have theories about why this is the case, most involving social and/or gender politics, and my advice to you is Get Over It. We're lucky to have the Wildrose and not be meeting in someone's dark basement the next town over. Besides, you can make any bar a dyke bar by gathering up your dyke friends and taking over a "straight" bar. There are also monthly "ladies' night" events at various bars. Keep an eye on telephone polls and check the listings in fine publications like this one.

MYTH: Dyke social life revolves around the bar scene.

FACT: Not so, my friend, there are sports teams, too! For unsporties, this city's arts scene offers a lot of social opportunities. There's also the great outdoors. All you need to be able to do is walk--hiking is basically walking where there are trees. And dykes love trees, right?

MYTH: All of Seattle's dykes live in Capitol Hill.

FACT: Did you know that, statistically speaking, Wallingford has more lesbians per capita than anywhere else?

MYTH: There's a good chance you will be labeled butch or femme.

FACT: Actually that one's true, too. If you're labeled butch, be prepared to get stuck with a nickname like Chief (Hey there, Heidi, do you get this paper in Texas?), Sarge (I know you get this paper in West Seattle, Sarah), or Captain (Congrats on the baby, Becky!). Once labeled butch, you will be expected to either act accordingly or explain yourself constantly. If you're labeled femme, be prepared to explain that one's hair length is not always a telltale sign. But whether you're labeled butch or femme, new girl, you have my permission to fuck labels and define yourself as you wish.

MYTH: All lesbians work at co-ops.

FACT: Yes, you can always find at least one dyke in a co-op, and Seattle has quite a few of these alternative grocery stores. But you can find lesbians at just about any company in town, from big, bad Microsoft to funky record stores.

MYTH: Seattle lesbians have style.

FACT: I'm on the fence. Do we have style, or do we have a style? If you just arrived here from a farm town, style might dictate that you get rid of that chewin' tabacky and unpeg those pants--but if you really identify with that look, if it's your style, then by all means keep chewin' and peggin'. But however authentically "you" you believe your current look is, you'll probably find yourself evolving. I've changed a bit since I arrived in Seattle in 1999 after six years in Oregon and Boulder, Colorado, but only because I was seeking out change, not because Seattle or its lesbians forced me to change. If you want to blend in instantly, take your dyke self down to REI and get some Chacos or Keens (the new dyke "it" shoes) or hit up your local Broadway store for a black leather wrist cuff or belt.

PARTING WORDS: Seattle is a fairly tolerant town, and I advise you to be the same. Go hang out in your local coffee shop, develop some informed opinions about female musicians who go by one name (Ani, Melissa, Amy & Emily, etc.), write it all down in your journal, and a year from now try not to stare at your current girlfriend's ex-girlfriend's current girlfriend, who happens to be your ex. And don't leave this city until you have done what you came here to do. Welcome.