ILLUSTRATED BY Robert Sikoryak


Welcome, new students!

As you have probably heard, you are entering the best and most booze-filled years of your life, full of brain-building university classes, brain-deteriorating drugs, and a lot of really trite conversations about rock music. Because many of you are from out of town and don't know the first thing about your new environment--your college or university, this city, the neighborhood you'll be spending the next four years in--your school has provided you with a pile of orientation materials filled with info about how to sign up for classes, get around campus, live in the dorms, etc. Throw away whatever they gave you. It's useless.

College orientation packets never provide the information you will actually need the next four years, information like what to do to avoid getting an STD (gee, you could wear a condom), where to find the clitoris (above the urethral opening), and whether you should smoke coke or snort it (definitely snort it).

There are a few things you need to know about your particular school, too, so The Stranger has asked graduates from five local colleges and universities to tell you everything your school's officials won't.

And, in our tireless efforts to help you get to know the city better, there's a rough lay-of-the-land map on page 14 that will help you locate Seattle's all-night restaurants, all-ages music venues, movie theaters, liquor stores, and strip clubs, as well as a box filled with useful phone numbers (bail bondsmen, anyone?). Hang this map on your wall.

The Stranger understands you are not just entering college, you are entering the rest of your adult life. This orientation packet should set you on your course. Good fucking luck. CHRISTOPHER FRIZZELLE

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