Kelly O

The folks who run On the Boards were a bit concerned as they braced for eight sold-out screenings of HUMP! on October 5 and 6. They had never moved 2,400 ticket holdersthrough their building in the space of 26 hours. But by the midway point—after the 1,200th HUMP!er had taken his or her seat on Saturday—OTB artistic director Lane Czaplinski and managing director Sarah Wilke were marveling at how polite Seattle's porn fans are. People were excited to be at HUMP!, thrilled that they could buy a drink in the lobby, and willing to be quickly herded out—making sure to stop and stuff their "Best of HUMP!" ballots into our boxes on the way out.

So before we announce the winners of this year's HUMP!, I would like to thank Lane and Sarah and everyone at OTB for allowing us to smut up their art palace for the weekend. Thanks to OTB, twice as many people were able to attend HUMP! this year—and see it on a much bigger screen—as were able to attend in years past. And thanks, of course, to everyone who made films, to Babeland for the awesome gift baskets, and to everyone who attended.

And what did attendees see at this year's HUMP!? Couches doing the nasty, sex on roller skates, aliens fucking predators, hot foot-fetish videos, sex machines taking over the world one female ejaculator at a time, Ken Schram having his way with Ivar Haglund, come shots in SAM's Olympic Sculpture Park, an evil gay genius doing scorchin' hot boys under the Space Needle, and ever so much more. And only HUMP! ticket holders got to see these things: We destroyed our only copies of the films at the end of the last screening.

There were two $2,000 first-place prizes this year: Best Hardcore and Best Humor. HUMP! audience members got to cast one vote for Hardcore and one for Humor for any two films. Here are the films that received more than 100 votes in the Hardcore category:

Rise of the Machines, with 148 votes. A humorous look at a future ruled by President Dan Savage and insatiable sex machines that make women squirt.

Sex on Roller Skates, with 172 votes. Two good-looking guys roll into Capitol Hill's Pony, play air hockey, make out in the bathroom, then find a nice quiet spot to fuck each other's brains out—all on roller skates.

Vampire Strip Club, with 352 votes. A hot babe with an incredible body auditions to work at the titular strip club. But it's not just a vampire-themed strip club....

Broken, with 396 votes. An evil genius with a sex-slave ray gun enslaves the Federal Department of Terrorism agent sent to arrest him. Told backward, à la Memento, this film featured tons of hot sex, huge come shots, and HUMP!'s only mention of Mitt Romney.

And coming in first in the Hardcore category, taking home the trophy, the check for $2,000, and a gift basket from Babeland...

Lauren Likes Candy, with 480 votes. This was HUMP!'s only girl-on-girl submission this year—and it rocked the house. Candy confesses that she's a pain slut, and the sadistic Lauren is only too happy to provide Candy with the pain she craves. This intense but intimate hardcore BDSM flick pushed audiences out of their comfort zones and was rewarded with the Hardcore prize. (A clip from Lauren Likes Candy is up at twobigmeanies.com.)

And here are the films that received more than 100 votes in the Humor category:

AFP, with 117 votes. A pizza delivery boy straight out of Alien serves some hot sausage to a desperate housewife straight out of Predator. An animated short, AFP—or Alien Fucks Predator—featured HUMP!'s most surprising come shot. (You can see AFP online by searching "AFP" at superdeluxe.com.)

The Room, with 314 votes. When two roommates run out to get a bite, their couches get it on in more positions than even the horniest sofaphile thought possible.

Zombie Tapioca Lovefest 4000, with 423 votes. After sleeping with every freak in Seattle, a desperate man—a hot desperate man—goes after only thrill left: fucking the dead. Well, the undead. In a tub full of tapioca pudding. Outstanding and hilarious.

And coming in first in the Humor category, taking home the trophy, the check for $2,000, and a gift basket from Babeland...

Queer Safari, with 729 votes. The runaway audience favorite of HUMP! 3, Queer Safari featured a huge troupe of actors and the biggest dick in this year's festival. An Aussie heads into Woodland Park, à la Man vs. Wild, with only a picture of his wife, his wits, and his cameraman to protect him. He encounters the Pacific Northwest's largest glory hole, roaming packs of endangered twinks, roaring bears, and dancing fag hags. Queer Safari ends with a Blair Witch parody that, amazingly, wasn't tired thanks to the filmmakers' creativity and their actors' willingness to take risks—and, uh, the biggest cock in this year's HUMP!

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Congrats to Lauren Likes Candy and Queer Safari, this year's winners. And a big round of applause for the audiences who chose these films. The audiences at HUMP! were predominantly straight and yet they awarded top honors to two queer films. "The homos really brought it," one audience member told me on the way out of a screening on Saturday. They sure did—between Broken, Sex on Roller Skates, Lauren Likes Candy, and Queer Safari, most of this year's strongest films were submitted by queers.

But congrats to everyone who had the nuts and/or ovaries to make a film for HUMP!—gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, alien, sofa, whatever. And remember, folks: HUMP! 4 is coming up in 12 short months. The time to start working on your submissions for HUMP! 4 is now! recommended