Excellent

LITTLE ORPHAN ANI

TYLENOL TALENT

STUPID BLOODY STUPID!

Interview

All the News That Didn't Fit

On the Record

The Olympia Connection, Or Lack Thereof

Excellent

The Numbness Is Just a Bonus

Hiphop City

WEEN ARE THE WORLD

Soul by the Pound

EXCELLENT REAL ROCK QUOTES

Incest is Best

The Rise and Fall of the N-Word

DEXYS MIDNIGHT RUNNERS

If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say, Tell the Truth Anyway

You Don't Own Me

Summer Lovin'

Stagger Lee

Music to Lose Your Job By

Boy, You Sure Can Take the Fun Out of Music

CINEMATIC CLICHE

Stuart Braithwaite From Mogwai

Going to New York City?

THE CHURCH OF COLTRANE

A Whole N'other Level

Who Says Morrissey Fans Don't Get Laid?

ISSA ROCKA ROLL

Not Modest Enough

How many times has this happened to you: You go to a show, let's say Echo & the Bunnymen, you stake out a prime spot where all the tall guys won't block your view of the lovely Ian McCulloch, and some shitfaced amateur who loved the band as much as you did 10 years ago (but hasn't been to a show since) barges into your bliss?

He squawks loudly and stupidly into the back of your head, backs into you until you're squashed up against the wall, sloshes his drink on you, and refers to his wife as "The Wiff." And then he proceeds to sing every song lyric out loud to her while doing that half-kneeling, "ah-man-this-is-fuckin'-great!!!" thing that invades your space even further.

You ask him to back off, and then he grouses for the remainder of the show about how he paid for his ticket so he can do whatever he wants, bitch. Your night is ruined until they leave during the encore because he wants to "beat the traffic," like all the amateurs do.

What do you do when you find yourself in this unfortunate situation? Allow me to suggest move #3 from my upcoming book, Fifteen Ways to Enjoy the Show When Amateurs are Ruining Your Night. Move #3 involves a safety pin, a swift hand, and an iron-clad poker face. Poke in the thigh, look innocent, and repeat until the fucker leaves, worrying all the way home about having a stroke.