I’m sorry, but no. I can’t review Blades of Glory. It’s a Will Ferrell movie. Asking me to review it is like saying “Here, Megan, write 300 words about this baby.” I can’t write about a baby! All babies are the same! They’re cute (in an alien sort of way), they’re squishy and squirmy, they generally leak fluids from a number of orifices, and they make awkward noises—they have good and bad points, but there’s absolutely nothing distinctive about one baby compared to the next.

Will Ferrell movies are like babies—the differences are subtle. I dunno. I guess the big difference between babies and a Will Ferrell movie is that I like Will Ferrell movies usually. They’re entertaining, and Blades of Glory is especially so. Jon Heder is great and Amy Poehler is pretty hilarious. But it’s not that I don’t like babies too. I like babies fine. I mean, I don’t want my own babies. Not right now. Maybe someday. I mean, I wouldn’t like… ABORT if I got pregnant right now. Actually, right now I probably would. I don’t wanna be a single mom in a studio apartment, you know? But maybe if I was like, married or in a long-term relationship with a guy who also wanted a child or something… then I could maybe want a baby. I mean, we could talk about it. I would probably need a better job because I like working here and all, but I don’t make enough as a writer to support a family or anything. Or I guess I could stop getting so many fucking parking tickets. I guess it could work.

Jon Heder’s hair is really awful in this movie, but in a perfect way. That has nothing to do with anything; I just said it because I just thought of that. It’s called free-writing, people. Get into it.

Day In • Day Out returns this summer, August 12th thru 14th!
Featuring The National, Mitski, Mac DeMarco and more! Full lineup and tickets at dayindayoutfest.com