Listen up, cadets! I fought tooth and nail to write this. The principal was going to have some lesbian humanities teacher do it, but I said HELL NO! Don't get me wrong, maybe she could give good advice, but the point I made (and obviously made well) is that no one understands the special needs of gay guys better than the military. I've got a few simple suggestions, so LISTEN UP, little buddies! Your back to school success depends upon this.
First off, don't tell anyone you're gay. You're just asking for trouble. And remember, there are many ways a gay can tell the whole goddamned school he's gay without actually opening his yap and shouting, "Gay! Gay! Look at me, I'm GAY!" It would also help if you avoid looking like a gay. That means (1) no skin-tight jeans that cling to your girly little butt as you swish down the hallways like some kind of fairy; (2) no bleach-blond hair, plucked eyebrows, lollipop licking, or shiny black shoes; and (3), what's up with the little jackets that hang just above your BELTED JEANS? You end up looking puny, like… I don't know… some kind of weird little gay elf. Is that how you want people to see you? You're a MAN, goddamn it! Not an elf!
I HATE puny! What I like to see is high school guys aspiring to manhood early—working out their bodies, and wearing T-shirts that reveal their success. I remember one scrawny freshman cadet, whom I personally helped with his workout the entire four years he was a student at my school. We'd spend hours after marching drills pumping up together, sparring and doing aerobics. We got religious about that body of his. And believe you me, he looked great by the time I was through with him. Need advice on a workout? Come see me. Or get a subscription to Men's Health. I read it all the time. I hang the pictures up on my basement wall and I stare at them for hours every day. Those guys have great bodies. I look at their chests, while feeling my own for comparison. I imagine those washboard abs are my washboard abs, as I slowly run my index finger along my own tight stomach. It's inspirational. I get excited about my own body, which gives me all the energy I need for my workout. And believe me, when I work out, I WORK THE HELL OUT! YEAH!
You know, you gays have an even bigger problem—LOCKER ROOM issues. What's the big friggin' deal? Boo hoo, it's so scary getting naked with other guys! What if they make fun of me? Or worse, what if I get turned on? I know how you guys think. Well, CUT THE CRAP. As an ex-Navy SEAL, I learned a very important lesson from my stint in the military: You can condition yourself to handle anything. And gays are no exception. My suggestion? When the guys are clowning around naked—wrestling, whipping each other with towels, or whatever, I say JOIN IN THE FUN. It's my opinion that gays would enjoy whipping other guys with towels and wrestling naked if they just didn't make such a big deal out of it. Hell, I'm a grown man, with a wife and three kids, and even I like to get in there and play a little grab-ass once in a while—you know, just for laffs. Puts you in a good mood. Reminds you it's okay to be a guy. Make sense? Good.
Bottom line—you all need to learn to just let… it… go. Gays are too uptight. When people push you into lockers, stuff you into bathroom trash cans, or when they call you "faggot" or "fairy," don't go crying HOMOPHOBIA to the administration, or whining to your little straight girlfriends. Turn around, say "I ain't no fuckin' faggot," and knock their goddamn teeth out! That's how a man learns to let go and BE COMFORTABLE WITH WHO HE IS.
You know, I see all those gay youth groups cropping up in high schools across the country, and I'll be honest—they make my skin crawl. Talk about uptight! Buddy, join one of those clubs and you're digging your own goddamned grave. Who wants to go roller-skating with a bunch of gays anyway? Wheee, wheee, my wheeeels are spinning!!! It's time that high school gays cut the roller-skating crap, and learned some self respect. GAY ROLLER-SKATING IS A ONE-WAY TICKET TO HELL.
Okay, I hope my advice has been helpful. It's important to know that your teachers and administration are always here for you, that we understand your issues, are sensitive to them, and blah, blah, blah.
I look forward to seeing you in ROTC this year. Dismissed!