ey Drunky! Ready for your next round? Is the room spinning yet? Are you a gulp away from getting cut off? Here (against our better judgement) are a few tips for you messy lushes who don't want to be 86'd from your favorite watering holes:
1. SHUT UP ALREADY. Avoid talking too loudly, bragging, or being excessively friendly and affectionate. This is a sure sign that Jack Daniels has rinsed away your inhibitions.
2. WHATEVER, SYBIL. Sudden, unexplained mood changes or temper tantrums will make you appear intoxicated--even if this is just a normal part of your personality(s).
3. DON'T BE A PAIN IN THE ASS. Stop bothering the other customers. Don't approach people you don't know. And complaining to the bartender that there's "not enough vodka" in your cocktail isn't helping your case, either.
4. SLOW DOWN. Stop chugging down double shots of the Jäger. You're not in high school anymore. Oh, you are? Then that's okay.
5. WATCH YOUR FUCKIN' LANGUAGE. Hostile, cranky drunks who instigate fights and use foul language will always get cut off and thrown out of the bar. And no, we don't care who started it!
6. LIGHTEN UP, SUNSHINE. Bartenders are also wary of anti-social loners who sulk and brood and keep to themselves too much. They tend to drown in their gloom and get silently shit-faced without anyone noticing.
7. DRINKS ARE ON ME! Impulsively buying drinks for strangers and large groups is immediate cause for bartender suspicion. You would never be that generous if you were sober. And Mother Theresa you're not.
8. PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER. Glassy eyes, dilated pupils, and slurred speech? Can't light your cigarette after repeated tries? Losing your train of thought in mid-sentence, and just generally unable to focus? Okay, Sleepy head. Buh-bye.
9. DO THE MATH. If you're having a lot of trouble counting out the right amount for your tab, if you just can't figure out the tip, or if you're scratching your head and wondering what the hell happened to that twenty you know you had, it's safe to assume that you're in no condition to order "one more for the road."
10. "UH-OH... I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD." There he is. The soggy, shameless drunk who spills his beer, stumbles around for the bathroom, and looks like he's going to fall over even when standing still. Don't worry, champ. The bartenders will dump your drink and shove you in a cab before you really embarrass yourself.
Min Liao is an expatriate bartender from New York City.