TE · NA · CIOUS adj. 1. Holding or tending to hold persistently to something, such as a point of view. 2. Holding together firmly; cohesive: a tenacious material. 3. Clinging to another object or surface; adhesive: a tenacious macious lint on my jacket. 4. Tending to retain; retentive: a tenacious memory. 5. The greatest motherfucking rawk band of all time; brilliant: Tenacious D will rock your fucking socks off!

-- from the American Heritage Dictionary (except for that last one)

Two overweight, balding white guys get up on the stage. They have acoustic guitars, and acoustic guitars only -- no backup band, no phony electronic mumbo-jumbo. They just get up there and sing a little song:

"All the ladies in the house say yeah/Come on you motherfuckers say a prayer/When you fights you gots to fight fair/You motherfucker, oh, you motherfucker/You know what time it is/Tenacious D time, you motherfucker waaaaaa!/Fuck you!"

This is Tenacious D, the greatest motherfucking rock band in the history of the world. And this is what they do: The worst motherfucking rock songs in the history of the world.

For the uninitiated, Tenacious D are Jack Black ("JB") and Kyle Gass ("KG"), two half-wits from Los Angeles who are obsessed with becoming rock gods. JB is the singer, KG the musical genius, and they have their own show on HBO. Or they had their own show. It may have been canceled already.

Whatever.

And now they're playing the Crocodile. They're dragging their (rather rotund) asses up here to our shitty little burg and they're putting on a little show for us -- a rawk show. This dumb city, this pathetic hamlet, we don't deserve The D. We don't deserve the pure rawk power of Tenacious D, but we're getting it anyway.

At least, that's what The D would say.

Tenacious D sing songs like "Sex With Me and KG." Songs with lyrics like: "Listen Honey/Thinking 'bout a couple things to say to you/Showing/ Growing/Man I'd like to put my hand upon your fucking sexy ass and squeeze!/And squeeeeeze!"

Pretty, pretty songs.

The D want one simple thing: World Domination. They want massive record sales, massive tours. They want videos on MTV. They want to turn on the TV and hear "Tonight's episode of Dawson's Creek featured music by... Tenacious D."

And they're convinced they can get it. This is the joke -- the one joke. Fortunately, Tenacious D can also play. Otherwise it wouldn't be funny anymore. Their songs do, indeed, rawk. Or at least, they rawk as much as two goons with acoustic guitars can rawk.

The story is that The D started in a bar, at an open mic night. This was in L.A., around three or four years ago. This is the story. The truth, however, is presented in the song "The History of Tenacious D":

"We ride with kings on mighty steeds/Across the devil's plain/We walked with Jesus and his cross/He did not die in vain, no/Kyle's fingers be silver/Jack's voice then be gold/Unless you think we're vain/ We know it's open mic night/We don't care/Tenacious D we reign supreme, oh God/Burrito supreme/Chicken supreme/Nacho supreme/Supreme!"

Tenacious D is God.

Whether you believe me or not, I guarantee you that Tenacious D will be the funniest (if not the greatest) rock and/or roll show you will see this year. JB and KG will knock you on your ass (or, as they like to say, "Rock your socks off!"). All you have to do is show up, but if you're a little scaredy-person, or one of those "music should make an important statement on society as a whole, as well as on the musician creating it" people, then you might as well stay home.

Tenacious D don't want you there. Tenacious D wants you to stay home and watch Nightline, or some British sitcom on PBS. The D want you to read a book and be in bed by 10 p.m. so you can get up in the morning fresh for your very important career.

The D want people at their show who like to... no, wait -- who know how to have fun. They want people who want to get their socks rocked off. All other people should just stay home.

At least that's what The D would say.

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