Northwest Marijuana Guide
2013 National Marijuana Business Conference
A two-day confab that's expected to draw 500 attendees from all around the country to discuss everything related to legal cannabis. Sponsored by the Medical Marijuana Business Journal. Emerald Downs, 2300 Emerald Downs Dr, Auburn, WA, full info at mmjbusinessdaily.com.
Adventures in Cannabisland
This weekly social gathering features a live jazz band and welcomes guests 21 and over, who are invited to bring and enjoy their own marijuana products. Galaxy Lounge, 2329 Rainier Ave S, 420-4065, every Friday.
The man who's made more people weep with laughter than Tracy Morgan, Glenn Beck, and that comedian made entirely of diced onion combined returns to Benaroya for an evening of amazingly hilarious sentences that will inspire multiple actual spit-takes. (Also possible: deep pathos—Sedaris's latest piece for the New Yorker concerns the suicide of his sister.) Benaroya Hall, 200 University St, seattlesymphony.org, 8 pm, $43–$52.
Why is this 1977 horror comedy from Japan one of the greatest films a high-on-marijuana person will ever encounter? Among the many reasons: its plot (which involves a group of schoolgirls who visit a spooky old mansion that devours them one by one); its cast (packed with well-intentioned amateurs!); and its co-screenwriter (director Nobuhiko Obayashi's young daughter, who concocts situations only a thoroughly encouraged 7-year-old might, like having a character suddenly turn into a bunch of bananas). Central Cinema, 1421 21st Ave, central- cinema.com, 9:30 pm, $6.
After making the entire world vomit with delight with Pink Flamingos, John Waters and Divine re-teamed to make this pitch-black comedy about the life and crimes of Dawn Davenport, a troubled teen who grows up to shock the world as an art-crime superstar before she's executed by the state. Featuring the most epic film performance of Divine, Female Trouble has come to be known colloquially as "her Gone with the Wind"—see why while high or die trying. Grand Illusion, 1403 NE 50th St, grandillusioncinema.org, 10 pm.
The man responsible for some of the pot-friendliest pop music ever (see "The Flat Earth" and "Screen Kiss") visits Seattle with his multimedia film-and-music extravaganza The Invisible Lighthouse. Showbox at the Market, 1426 First Ave, 8 pm, $20 adv/$25 DOS, 21+.
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
Steven Spielberg's analog sci-fi mindblower of 1977 returns in a new 35 mm print. (Bonus for stoners: Teri Garr!) Grand Illusion, 1403 NE 50th St, grandillusioncinema.org.
Marijuana License Day!
Today the Washington State Liquor Control Board "expects to begin issuing licenses for marijuana producers, processors and retailers." Will it actually happen? Show up and find out! Washington State Liquor Control Board, 118 N 45th St, info at listserv.wa.gov.
Legal Pot's First Anniversary!
Celebrate the day with the bunch of potheads who plan to descend on Seattle Center for a 4:20 toke session. Seattle Center, 305 Harrison St, 4:20 pm.
Duke Ellington's Sacred Music
The spiritual yet swinging holiday tradition returns, complete with jazz big band, vocal and instrumental soloists, a gospel choir, and tap dancers. Town Hall, 1119 Eighth Ave, townhallseattle.org, 7:30 pm, $14–$36.
Green New Year's Eve Celebration
A special New Year's Eve edition of the social club Adventures in Cannabisland, featuring live music, dancing, raffle prizes, and refreshments. "Bring your medicine, have a great time, and welcome in the new year at NW Cannabis Market!" Galaxy Lounge, 2329 Rainier Ave S, 420-4065, 21+.
Jerry Springer: The Opera
For anyone who ever sat stoned on a sofa watching Jerry Springer and thought, "They should make this an opera." Moore Theatre, 1932 Second Ave, stgpresents.org, $35.
Mark Morris Dance Group
If you've never gotten high and attended a modern-dance performance, here is a brilliant opportunity to right that grievous wrong. Packed with conceptual drama, physical exertion, gorgeous music, and gawk-worthy human forms, the Mark Morris Dance Group will ravish you with pleasure. Paramount Theatre, 911 Pine St, stgpresents.org.
Bake yourself till munchy then head to Seattle Center for the 2013 Vegfest, where an $8 entry fee gains you access to a vast world of meat-free food samples and above-average people watching. Bonus: free cholesterol, glucose, and blood-pressure tests on-site! Seattle Center Exhibition Hall, 305 Harrison St, vegofwa.org/vegfest, 10 am–6 pm, $8/kids under 12 free.
Contrary to potheadular belief, not everything should be done while high on marijuana, including (but not limited to) driving, babysitting, voting, investing, performing surgery, and shopping at Costco.