MONDAY, OCTOBER 13 Australian rapper Iggy Azalea reminds us once again that "first things first, she's the realest"—that is, if screaming at a paparazzo in a grocery store while purchasing eggs classifies as "real." The "Fancy" rapper was shopping for chicken ova at Vons Grocery in California on Friday (celebrities: so like us!), when she lost her mind after a photog allegedly kept following her around and lay down on the floor to get a snap of her. According to the pap, Iggy spat on him. According to Iggy, the "spat" was well-deserved. But that's not all! The brouhaha continued into the parking lot, where the spat-upon photog asked if Izzy had AIDS and/or Ebola (nice), to which she replied, "I hope you have Ebola" (also nice), and rammed him with her shopping cart. The brawl ended with the snapper victim-blaming Iggy, suggesting if she doesn't want her picture taken in public, she should "go live in Nebraska." (Unbeknownst to the photog, Nebraska isn't such a great place to be a celebrity—take it from one of the few famous people to come from the state, Larry the Cable Guy.)
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 14 A lot of people have been freaking out over the Ebola crisis—which, reality time, is a much greater concern to people residing in African countries than it is to the average Joe American, currently sitting in a KFC washing down a bucket of chicken with a gallon of Coke. However, this certainly doesn't stop rapper and rageaholic Chris Brown from making an ass out of himself on Twatter! Chris—who is neither a doctor nor a member of any health organization—dropped the following knowledge about the outbreak on an unsuspecting public: "I don't know... but I think this Ebola epidemic is a form of population control. Shit is getting crazy, bruh." Cue Brown's poor, embattled publicist, crashing through the living-room wall to beg the rapper to delete the idiotic tweet—which he dutifully did, adding, "Let me shut my black ass up!" (We're all standing by to see if he makes good on that promise.)
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15 More trouble for egg-shopping Iggy Azalea! This weekend, a picture of the blond rapper was posted on the internet—and OMG, she wasn't wearing makeup! Quick! Everyone PANIC! Like most people who refuse to wear makeup, she looked absolutely beautiful (like ourselves, #humblebrag), except to stoned dickhead Snoop Dogg (or Snoop Lion, or whatever he's calling himself these days... make up your mind, pothead!). As a not-very-funny joke, he posted an unflattering photo of an albino woman with cornrows, claiming it was Iggy—which once again sent her over the edge. She swung back hard, posting her own pic of Snoop with the caption "When your drug addict aunt gets clean." Maturely, Snoop responded with an obscenity-laced video where he called Iggy the c-word (UGH!) and issued the following warning: "You're fucking with the wrong [n-word]! And your [the n-word again] better check you before I do!" Cue a well-deserved tsunami of internet rage against this aging, sexist, asshole rapper. Before long, Iggy's producer, rapper T.I., brokered a truce by convincing Snoop to make a public apology for his idiotic and misogynistic behavior. But was he really sorry? When asked about the mea culpa by TMZ, Snoop told them, "Got a lot of love for [T.I.], so I let it go. Too much money on my mind to worry about a biiiiytch." Oh! Well, okay! If that's the way he'd like it... Calling all friends of One Day at a Time: Please join us in cleaning out all that dusty, old-timey Snoop Dogg music from our iTunes. ("Gin and Juice" is overrated anyway.)
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 16 For those of us finding it difficult to pay rent this month, let's check in on Kanye and Kim's 16-month-old baby, North West, to see how she's doing financially. According to Us Weekly, North currently owns more than 200 designer outfits she's never worn (including an Alexander Wang leather dress), a pair of $50,000 half-carat Lorraine Schwartz diamond studs, five different strollers (one costing nearly $1,000), and a $3,950 crib. Her all-white nursery (!) is replicated in whatever foreign destination they're visiting (!!), and she often has her own penthouse suite, as well as a private Parisian chef who cooks only organic food. Wait for it... let it really sink in... okay, now you can kill yourself.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 17 Gun nuts have a habit of shooting themselves in the foot—and earlier this month in Gresham, yet another insecure man-child with a gun proved to be hilariously inept. KOIN 6 News had the story, summing it up thusly: "A man practicing his open carry right was robbed of the gun he was openly carrying." We now pause for derisive laughter. And we're back! "William Coleman III was robbed of his Walter-brand P22 just after 2 a.m. October 4," KOIN reports. "Coleman, 21, was talking to his cousin in the 17200 block of NE Glisan St, after purchasing the handgun earlier that day, when a young man asked him for a cigarette." We now pause for derisive laughter. And we're back! "The man then asked about the gun, pulled a gun from his own waistband, and said, 'I like your gun. Give it to me.' Coleman handed over the gun and the man fled on foot." We now pause for—actually, we now pause to give a bit of advice to anyone who, like William Coleman III, is dim enough to insist on carrying their guns around: If anything like this ever happens to you, don't tell anyone. As if the shame of being one of these open-carry douchebags wasn't great enough, you should at least be ashamed of getting it stolen from you.
•• Meanwhile, some prudish extras on the Savannah, Georgia, set of the eagerly anticipated Magic Mike XXL (the sequel to our fave movie, Magic Mike) are having problems with the film's erotic acrobatics! According to a note from the film's casting team—in which they were looking to cast "African American, Hispanic, and Asian women to play strip club patrons"—the following simply had to be said. "DO NOT SUBMIT if you are not comfortable around nudity and acts of a sexual nature. (Seriously... we warn you guys like a bazillion times and we still had three women leave this morning. Girl.)" In related news, we just booked a flight to Savannah, because when it comes to the objet d'art colloquially known as "Channing's tatum," we're positive that we won't be nearly as dainty as Magic Mike XXL's current extras. Step aside, ladies. Watch how it's done.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 18 Oh, that explains it! Shia LaBeouf has come up with an explanation for his obnoxious and bizarre behavior over the past year: acting! In an interview in Interview magazine, LaBeef "blames method acting for the wacky antics that got him fired from a Broadway play and tossed in the slammer," according to Page Six. "My whole goal was to intimidate the fuck out of Baldwin," Shia explained, about his role in Orphans with Alec Baldwin. "That was the role. And it wasn't going to be fake. I wanted him to be scared... so I went about doing that for three weeks of rehearsal." Likewise, the actor explained that he was merely exploring performance art when he drunkenly slapped Alan Cumming and spit at a cop. "I was reading about performance art of the '60s and '70s and so I thought, 'We're all involved here. It's not just your stage. We're all in here and we're all part of this.' I was wrong." Yes, Shia. You were wrong. Now, who has one of those extra-long canes? Can someone pull this guy off our stage? Preferably with a comical slide-whistle sound effect?
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 19 In today's finest New York Times headline, we reveal the unseemly truth behind autumn in America: "Pumpkin Festival Takes a Menacing Turn." According to the Times, Keene, New Hampshire's annual pumpkin festival was a jolly good time until "hordes of partyers turned parts of the city near Keene State College into chaos." Despite 235 calls to the police, tear gas, pepper balls, and "at least" 49 arrests, rampaging crowds terrorized the town of Keene, with the most likely culprits being idiots from the local college. "Video and photos posted to social media on Saturday and Sunday showed revelers knocking over street signs, setting boxes on fire, standing triumphantly atop an overturned car, and chanting obscenities at the police, who moved in formation to disperse them." And people say that pumpkin spice doesn't have any negative side effects. Just say no, children. Just say no.