Kidding!
What really happens is I'm FORCED to defend my honor. Okay. A nice young man named "Joel" was "trying to get sobered up" at Two Bells Tavern on Fat Tuesday. Squelching the urge to barf, he looked up to find a man wearing a mysterious "Indiana Jones" hat sitting across from him. When the man removed his mysterious hat, "Joel" recognized a "FRESHLY MOHAWKED Eddie Vedder!" "Joel" casually waved the bartender over and asked him to confirm his suspicions regarding Mr. Mohawk's identity. "No. It's Dave Matthews," the smarty-pants barkeep quipped. "He thought that was very funny," says Joel.
I know that as the Maven of Glamoure I am expected--nay, REQUIRED--to comment on the upcoming Oscars. Fine. Between you and me? I have avoided the Academy Awards like Brendan Fraser movies ever since the Oscars' spectacularly horrifying opening number in 1988, when Rob Lowe crooned a croaky, badly reworded "Proud Mary" to a never-to-work-again actress dolled up like Snow White, and dancing dinner tables did a conga line. It's all been downhill ever since!
SPEAKING of Brendan Fraser: In last week's Stranger 10th Anniversary Issue, some yahoo claimed that Brendan Fraser and Never Mind Nirvana author Mark Lindquist have both obtained restraining orders against me. Let me set the record straight: Brendan Fraser is a two-bit, two-timing, no-talent psycho-stalker, and if ANYONE needs a restraining order around here, it's ME. Got it? Mark Lindquist, on the other hand....
That being said, people will have no trouble believing that Soundgarden string man Kim Thayil was spotted on the #74 bus last Wednesday. "Candise" reports that "unique-looking" Kim--an olive-complected man with long dark hair and a bushy black beard "with lotsa gray coming in"--was raptly punching on his "Palm Pilot thingamajiggy" until he de-bussed in the U-District. Thanks, "Candise."
Lastly, delusional "KD" claims to have seen Osama bin Laden himself wandering around Vancouver, B.C. She's not kidding. She describes him as "an olive-complected man with long dark hair and a bushy black beard with lotsa gray coming in." Hey! That sounds REALLY familiar....
