I've been up to my titney in Britney since learning that She and Her Boobies will be gracing the too, too Freudian Tacoma Dome in May (heaven forbid she play a nice, concave, nipple-less ARENA or THEATER!). That teeny-bopping devil's anthem will be running in my head on an interminable loop for weeks.
I realize that every fag and 13-year-old girl who reads this will give a shrill cry of terror, BUT! The Girl (and her boobies) gives me the screaming horrors! I once made the mind-splitting error of getting as baked as a birthday cake and flipping rapidly between Planet of the Apes and her hormonal "Slave for You" "video" (read: kiddie porn). Imagine if you will my terrifying vision of the future: a vast radioactive wasteland populated by horny, telekinetic cockroaches that worship Britney's everlasting tits. The AP claims that she's thinking [sic] of coming out with her own line of "clothing"--which is sure to give every mother in America the screaming horrors.
And SPEAKING of coming out (or not), let's discuss Justin Timberlake, the Britster's former boyfriend [sic]. Forgive the tangent, but have we learned NOTHING from Rosie or George Michael? Or must we wait until Justin's arrested in some men's room bottoming out for Nick Carter? ("Whoops!") I mean, the boy makes a better Elton John than Elton John. 'Nuff said. (Confidential to Justin: You aren't fooling anyone, silly fruit. We all know you dated Britney just to get your hands on her belly-shirts... so you could wear them.)
Now let's cleanse our palates by turning our attention to the furthest thing from Britney Spears in the whole known universe--Q13's delightful newscastrix Leslie Miller. It's always perplexed me that people are so hard on our poor Leslie. To the best of my knowledge, she thinks that kittens are swell, had a sweet little old gramma, and hasn't killed a single hooker or transient since she moved to Seattle. Not a one! So why is everyone always on her case? Could it be because she doesn't TIP? A secret informant reports that the lovely lady Miller just had her immaculate black Benz detailed at a local car cleanery and, well, here it is from the horse's mouth: "I personally dried her Mercedes. I'm not sure what she makes dollar-wise at Q13, and I know the economy sucks, but for fuck's sake, Leslie! Could you please toss a few bones to the laboring poor folk?"
