I'd rather be set on fire and put out with lemon juice than watch the 10 o'clock news. I think it's perfectly masochistic to junk up one's psyche with hair-raising horror stories just before beddy-bye, and if a current event is important, David Schmader is going to recap it in Last Days anyhow. And so I forbear. Yeah, sure: It's an itsy bitsy on the (ahem) hypocritical side, since I butter my bread dishing about Seattle's news schmucks. But that's why I rely upon YOU to keep me informed about our notorious KING 5ers and Q13ies.

It was in the interests of said beloved readers that I force-fed myself a full week of excruciating late-night newscasts. Now I can answer with complete integrity that, yes, "Anonymous," Q13's Kerri Kazarba's boobs appear to have gone through the kind of GROWTH SPURT usually experienced by pubescent girls reared near leaking nuclear reactors. And, yes, "CMScott," you're right: I don't think anyone's EVER seen Leslie Miller's ears. However, I have heard from those who've stumbled across Miller when she wasn't "in the face," and their tales of makeup-free encounters will go on to terrify young campers for generations. Believe it.

Does anyone recall some obscure drivel about über-gay Northwest Cable News Queen Richard Reid that some idiot wrote for this very paper a while back? Me neither. But somehow it's motivated Richard lovers to shoot me a gazillion Richard-centric tidbits. My favoritest: Richard barking out a rip-roaring rendition of Bonnie Tyler's "I Need A Hero" at Peking Palace karaoke lounge on Greenwood Avenue last week. His crooning completed, Miss Thang reportedly started flirting with a bona fide tit-toting, vagina-having WAITRESS!

"You know when straight guys get juiced and start acting curiously gay?" asks Richard-spotting "Morris Day." "Maybe copious amounts of whiskey makes Dick go gaga for chicks." What-EVER.

My second favoritest: Richard's alleged ritual of donning HIS face (maybe he's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline) in the NWCN ladies' room, and barking at any bona fide, tit-toting femme who dares approach! Meow.

Since I was too busy whining about celebrity's collective bad karma last week to give the big Sub Pop party at the Crocodile its due: R.E.M.'s Scott McCaughey and recently-off-the-hook Peter Buck were there, as was lovely Brigitte Bako (Red Shoe Diaries), dangling from the arm of Never Mind Nirvana author Mark Lindquist--who has a restraining order against ME, if rumors are to be believed. And they always are....