SIFF Week 1: VIP 101

Ahhhhh... can't you just FEEL IT? Our over-familiar streets are suddenly flowing with über-tans, air-kisses, and a lot more Fendi. It's SIFF, of course, our own little Cannes for those who can't, and it has descended upon our provincial little burg for a whole vainglorious MONTH! So, kiddo, I think it's about time we had a little chat about VIP rooms.

I have this theory: VIP rooms (or "hospitality" rooms--only insensitive classist assholes would use the term VIP anymore) are a great big SHAM! See, what most of us THINK is the VIP room is really just a second-class soirée put on for journalists, corporate sponsors, and loitering throngs of rubberneckers. Somewhere all the REAL stars are holed up in a broom closet eating Taco Bell or something.

Anyhoo, SIFF holds a party every year after the opening-night film, and to keep grifters and lowlifes from crashing it, the party's location isn't announced until AFTER the film is shown. Where was the super-secret after-screening shindig this year? Union Square Mall--again. The hospitality room at the party was (again) crammed into Marco's II upscale hair salon (I question the wisdom of serving buffet in the same spot where Jean Enersen gets her roots touched up). The Opening Night kickoff flick, Igby Goes Down, was screened at the Paramount Theatre; a saucy little gem starring Jeff Goldblum (The FLY!) Claire Danes (Juliette!), Susan Sarandon (Janet minus Brad! Louise sans Thelma!), Ryan Phillippe (just SHUT UP and take your pants off!), and Macaulay Culkin's little bro' Kieran (IGBY!). I was frothing with twitterpation: ANY ONE of these modern cultural icons could arrive at any time!

We got Kieran Culkin.

Disappointed? Bite your tongue! Young Culkin fits Seattle's tepid version of glamoure like a glove: a reluctant, unpretentious celebrity, sexy in that spare, dark, Edward Goreyesque kind of way. Topping his charms? HE ACTUALLY HUNG OUT IN THE VIP ROOM!!! How was he enjoying the party? "It's great," he said with an adorable "great, another fag bugging me over the salmon" grin. And Seattle? "Terrific."

Igby's producers Marco Weber and Lisa Tornell were chattier: We commiserated in the queue for cosmos. "Whew! What a night!" Lisa said fanning herself madly with a SIFF guide. (The SIFF VIP Room traditionally hovers around boiling point.) Was she happy with the event? "I was so nervous, but it's fantastic. Time to start DRINKING!" So we did.

celebisawu@thestranger.com