Too Gay? Touché!

Well. Once again Pride Week lies thickly upon us, like some sodden patchwork quilt. I've been waiting 'til now to tell all you so-called GAYS that y'all ain't NOTHIN' but a steaming pile of BLOATED, SELFISH, APATHETIC SLACKERS who've set this whole "gay rights movement" thingy or whatever back ONE, possibly TWO hundred years!

As SOME of you lazy gay smartmouths may have noticed, EVERY week some idiot called "A. Birch Steen, Ombudsman" ["A Critical Overview," Stranger comics page] trashes every loving word I type as "too gay"! TOO GAY?! What the fuck does he/she/it MEAN, too fucking GAY? (Although I do agree with Steen's stunningly accurate critique of Dan Savage:Yawn. But still.) And you know? Not one militant dyke or oversensitive fag has said ONE WORD in my defense. Not ONE! Heck, in MY day, if some fag stubbed his faggy TOE we'd find a branch of ACT UP and have a protest march and candlelight fucking VIGIL! Where is my fucking VIGIL?? I DEMAND a Pride Day RIOT! Loot and burn! Let's hunt this "ombudsman" bitch down and serve him up a nice hot plate of TOO FUCKING GAY!

But before we get to that, though, let's talk über-luscious Real World godling Danny Roberts! Now, I know what you're thinking: "Wasn't Adrian supposed to have an interview with Danny? I guess it didn't happen, and Adrian's a big ASSHOLE who's AVOIDING THE SUBJECT!" Right?

Well, surprise, surprise--the interview went down AGES ago. (Picture it: Poor dumbstruck little ME struggling to imagine old nuns and roadkill just to maintain my sanity while the source of 99 percent of my masturbatory fantasies sat 14 inches from my face.) Sadly, the unfathomable gods of publishing have not yet deemed to carve out a space for said interview, and so I wait. But! If you need a Danny fix RIGHT NOW, log on to eBay and do some nosing around, 'cause DANNY IS AUCTIONING OFF HIS UNDERWEAR!!

Kidding? Heavens, no! Nothing less than a testosterone-drenched Spandex wrestling suit by Oasis went on the block--complete with bona fide Danny-soiled ATHLETIC CUP!!--worn by the little stud on the interminable Real World/Road Rules Challenge! (Sadly, those fascists at eBay force sellers to LAUNDER their skivvies before shipping, which is the greatest injustice EVER.)

Chill out; the auction is for CHARITY. Proceeds go to "YouthCare," some nonprofit that "takes kids off the street to turn their lives around." At any rate, don't you just ADORE this boy? Giving his crotch for the community... now that's PRIDE!

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