I've had it up to my pointy little man teats with this "A. Birch Steen, Ombudsman." [A Critical Overview, Stranger comics page.] "Adrian is 'too gay' THIS, Adrian is 'too gay' THAT!" What an ass munch! And after I kvetched last week about Steen's thinly veiled hate speech (yes... I said HATE SPEECH! Quick! Somebody call the ACLU!), he went on an anti-gay RAMPAGE! Now, not only is Steen shooting off his big mouth that I'm "too gay," but he says that Dan Savage AND Wm.™ Steven Humphrey are TOO GAY too! Well, FUCK 'EM and FEED 'EM FISH! EVERYONE knows that Dan Savage isn't NEARLY gay enough, and Humpy's just a mental case who'd screw a hole in a cardboard box. So the REAL question is, what the heck is up with Steen?
Frankly, I think Steen doth protest WAY too fucking much, if you know what I mean. (And you do.) I'd bet my too-gay fanny that if we went poking around MR. STEEN'S industrial-strength, steel-reinforced closet we'd find more than skeletons. We'd find HIM stuffed way in the back, dressed up like his mother and typing ADRIAN IS TOO GAY ADRIAN IS TOO GAY over and over in between hopeless sobs and shots of Cuervo.
Just a theory.
But the outpouring of support from sympathetic readers has warmed and moistened my cockles. Lev Stone from Philadelphia writes, "After reading your column this week I felt so guity... as a fan for the last few years, I should have told Mr. Steen (that he was) off the mark. If I were living in Seattle I would personally organize that vigil you desire. Your column is not too gay. It's just gay enough."
Ahhhh.... Thanks, Lev! Did you HEAR that, STEEN? Just gay ENOUGH! And shouldn't EVERYTHING be Just GAY ENOUGH? Right! And, for the record: BUTTSEX, CATHOLIC PRIEST, CIRCUIT PARTY, DRAG QUEEN!
ANYhoooo. If you were downtown last week and think you saw some guy who looked just like Scott Wolf from Party of Five kissing on an adorable blonde (with perfect tits) that looked JUST like Kelley from The Real World--New Orleans, well, you DID! Kelley and Danny Roberts are still closer than two boobs in a boob tube, and she flew into town to visit her reality TV pal. Last I heard she was dating wannabe doctors, not TV stars, but I guess she's trading up. Good for her!
And if you were downtown last week and thought you saw Eraserhead hobbling around on crutches, well, you DIDN'T! That was just Lyle Lovett, still recovering from that recent "bull attack" (I am TRYING not to giggle). Limpy was in town for an appearance at Pier 62/63. Limp, limp.
