Hmmm. I'm feeling a bit TOO GAY today, so I have a terrific idea! Let's talk about GAY PORN!

Okay, first let's clear something up: Porn "celebrities" are unlike real celebrities in that they are totally unlike real celebrities. What I MEAN to say is that porn stars are NOT real celebrities. They are BIG SLUTS. At least that's how it goes down in the Big Book of Adrian: "Thou shalt not confuseth BIG SLUTS with Celebrities, for verily I say unto Thee, all Stars may be Sluts, but not all Sluts are Stars, and FURTHERMORE! If thou shouldst sally forth or whatever and confuseth, say, Keanu Reeves (a Star AND a Slut) with Marilyn Chambers (just a Slut), well, then you are Unclean and stuff. Amen!" Okay? Not that I'm trashing on the Sluts--hell, I LOVE the Sluts (and by extension the slutty, slutty Porn Stars). Just don't confuse the Sluts with the Real Celebrities, that's all.

So! I wrote this silly little bit about a local porn studio called GAE Productions that ran in this very rag last week. Remember? GAE scoops sexy local meat up off Broadway and pays them to shame their mothers? Right. Well, BOY did I get letters--some of them from the sexy porn "celebrities" (wink, wink) themselves! Here's a fun one:


Didn't you know that GAE Video took out ads in The Stranger about a year ago and had a photo of their "owner" in handcuffs? [I'd bitched that GAE's owner--the amiable Mr. John Guth--had failed to identify himself. Which, at the time, he had. Ahem.] Didn't you know that the face in the ads spent a very long time camped out in front of the Cinerama waiting for Star Wars: Episode II? I think we need to tear up your gay card! --DVL '02

Well, I MAY have known those things, "DVL '02," but I would NEVER admit to reading The Stranger OR waiting in line for Star Wars: Episode II tickets. And good luck tearing up my gay card--I'm the one who issues the damn things. Thanks for writing!

Huh. Since I didn't have as much to say about gay porn as I thought, let's finish up with the Goo Goo Dolls! "CDBerg" trailed the Dolls to their digs at the W Hotel after their show at the Paramount, and reports that lead singer John Rzeznik (both a Star and a Slut) was acting quite the cheesemeister, hitting on a "perky blond" woman... in ITALIAN! ("Boy, was he cheesy!") "CDBerg" also shares this advice: "If you like a celebrity, don't meet them. It'll only disappoint you." Amen!