Oh, CRAP. I was at the fricking VARSITY! How in the name of Bleeding Jesus did I end up all the way across town at the fricking VARSITY Theater when Margaret Cho's people were expecting me at the fricking HARVARD EXIT Theater to watch the pre-premiere screening of The Notorious C.H.O.? And here I was with egg all over my face in the U-District. It HAD to be the work of Satan.

I tore home and rang Margaret in L.A. "Margaret! I missed your frickin' MOVIE!" I hollered. "Don't worry about it, Adrian--just see it when it actually opens like everyone else!" She gave me the gist of the show (think I'm the One That I Want but dirtier--"I think it's my best," she says) and dished on her fascinatingly freakish love life (the girl has dated both Quentin fricking Tarantino and Chris fricking Isaac, you know. I've always wondered if her widely publicized attraction to fags figured into these trysts, but I just COULDN'T ask...) and other equally delightful scraps of scandal. But hold your wagons, an interview is pending! (Okay--I just HAVE to leak this now: Margaret cuts her OWN HAIR!)

LL steals my beard: The only girl I ever had a crush on was OBSESSED with LL Cool J. She agreed to attend the spring dance with me, but dumped my ass for the new black kid--the ONLY black kid--whom she decided was the closest thing to LL she was ever going to score at Butte Jr. High School. (For the record, my rival was actually a scrawny wiener who always wore the same pussy-ish baby blue polo shirt. I thought my girl had gone INSANE.) The episode ruined me; now I'm a bugger, and I blame LL. Well, last week Mr. Cool J himself was spotted pumping up at Allstar Fitness on Queen Anne with his trainer and a bodyguard (he's been holed up at the Oakwood Apts. above the gym). The poetic irony? The Cool J spotter noted how adorable little LL looked in his baby blue outfit with matching hat. The pussy.

I spotted Bill Gates, his haircut, and his lovely wife Melinda, inconspicuously eating dinner in the fricking WINDOW at Aoki Japanese restaurant on Broadway. Supergeek's security consisted of a no-necked white dude in a big white van who parked on the street and alternated really stern "Mind your own frickin' business!" looks between passing traffic and passersby. The trio (Bill, Melinda, Bill's hair) had sushi and some other stuff, but No-Neck glowered at me and I got too flustered to stare.

Also, Matthew Lillard was spotted hogging the Star Wars game at GameWorks. He looked "frickin' hot."