"I don't know if it's custom to bang glasses on the table in Ballard or if it's a nouveau riche waitress thing, but it HAS TO STOP!" writes "Christina."

Of course. A nouveau riche waitress custom.

"She [the allegedly nouveau riche waitress] even banged the glass for the former president's son [Ron Reagan Jr.]! His company was a nice older woman. They looked like friends. Maybe it was his P.R. person, but it had the look of 'she wants more'... with italics! How hot is that?"

Hot, baby. Hot.

But not this hot: I--yes, me, Adrian here, hello--sat next to Ron Reagan Jr. on a San Francisco-to-Seattle flight once. Yes, recently. I politely chose to ignore that Ron is the son of the Son of Satan and he politely chose to ignore that I kept "accidentally" rubbing his knee up against mine beneath the foldout trays. And I noted--as did the obviously waitress-a-phobic "Christina"--that Satan Jr. "smiles a lot" and is indeed a surprising hottie, having respectably maintained his dancer's ass. Now, that's hot, honey. Scorching.

And yet a question arises: Does Adrian fly first class, or does Ron Reagan Jr. fly coach?

I'll never tell.

But I can't WAIT to tell you all about the fabulous celebrity charity event that I have just now this very second become privy to. Picture it: ALL the big names and little old me, you know, giving it up for the boat people or the legless lesbians of Martinique or the endangered fur-bearing wives of millionaires or fut the whuck ever. Except I swore I wouldn't say a peep about it until the dates were firm and I actually remembered the charity. Oh--and the "big names" will actually be the ones giving it, as it were, "up" for charity. And remember: You almost heard it here first.

And will someone please tell me just where the hell Dave Matthews is these days?

We don't have a heck of a lot of faded (yet spunky, endearing, and eternally dear to my heart) motivational gurus in Seattle, do we? So I guess if I started telling you about a certain spunky, endearing, and faded motivational guru who showed up at University Inn reportedly looking "raunchy" and "confused" while eating a box of Chinese takeout "orgasmically" ("ooohh my gooood, I loove it") and was described by witnesses as resembling a "crazy hooker," you'd probably know exactly who I was talking about, wouldn't you? I thought so.