"If I'm not invited to go out with you and Matt, then maybe I'm not the one you should be marrying. Maybe you should marry Matt."
Guess who said that and win a prize. Here's a hint: Jennifer Lopez.
You know? I still haven't the foggiest notion what the hell Ozzy Osbourne is saying.
Not. A Fucking. Clue.
I always understand exactly what John Curley is saying, however, as he has consummate diction. And he's so... what's the word? Sunny. That's it. Yes, John Curley is so gol-darn sunny and has such consummate, consummate diction that it makes one just want to perk right up and understand him exactly. I think that's why Hollywood Squares chose him for the honored center square position on last week's charity show, don't you? He won about $50 grand last time he was on the show, but that's not the reason. It's diction. Rumor is, they nicknamed John "The Big Head" on the Hollywood Squares set--which, of course, works on SO many levels.
But Ozzy could never be center square. "Shhhhha-wwwon, fu-BLEEP-ing bloody fu-BLEEP, mumble mumble, fu-BLEEP-ing bloody mumble."
No. Never.
I suppose Sinbad could be center square, although I don't see what the hell that has to do with the recent sighting of him on a Seattle-to-Reno flight. (Did you know Alaska Airlines even HAD first class?) He skipped the beverage cart completely, having M&M's and possibly a few of the "starstruck flight attendants" instead. Allegedly Sinbad kept to himself and carried a bag of books and magazines, although I don't see what the hell that has to do with the Liv Tyler sighting at the Pike Place Market last week, do you? So why are we still talking about it?
(Fine: Liv "had long dark hair and was really tall and had a great smile." You heard it here first.)
And do you know that I have a secret spy at a national scandal rag that I would NEVER admit was the Enquirer, and that this spy confirmed that Christina Aguilera was engaged in some very public, very heavy tongue-sucking with a (some might say "another") bimbo at a Hollywood restaurant called Tantra? Everyone who's shocked, raise your hand. No. Really.
I also got a message from "DDFM" claiming that some old '80s porn star called Kirk Olson bears a too-curious likeness to a "younger Tim Eyman." Well, I pored over photos of the actual and alleged Mr. Eyman (Eymen?) and am wretchedly disappointed to announce that you, "DDFM," are officially on the crack. Shame on you for getting my fu-BLEEP-ing bloody hopes up. Mumble.
