I just know that everyone and their pet monkey will be droning on about this for the next two (artists of the?) millennia, so I was planning to utterly restrain myself, but: I think Michael freaking Jackson is a genius. Fabulous. Not in a jillion years would I ever have imagined that he and I had so much in common!
No, I'm not kidding.
Of course, my perky bottle-cap proboscis is a gift from the god of good genes, not Steven M. Hoefflin, M.D., and I haven't shared a bed with an 11-year-old since I was one. Oh, and my taste in $275,000 gold-inlaid urns runs more toward the rococo.
All right, since I was 12.
But other than that? Two pods in a pea patch. (Oh, and I'm still a member of the race I was born to.) (Oh, and I'm out of the closet.) (Oh, and mobs of screaming girls follow me on the street for completely different reasons.) I mean, if I had a dime for every time I've rushed home covered in placenta.... And you can believe that if I had half homeboy's Gs, first thang I'd do is buy me a menagerie and a Tilt-A-Whirl. Bet your sweet white pinecone I would.
And, beep... beep... just back up, Barbara! Barbara Walters--hallmark of journalistic integrity? Pshaw! That broad's Jerry Springer in Tiffany earbobs! "What has Michael Jackson done to his face?" Barbara! People with glass noses shouldn't throw plastic stones.
Now, I know that jaws are gonna drop like stone pelicans, but I think everyone should STOP hounding the poor Thing of Pop once and for all. What a bunch of tight-assed fascists we've become! That Bashir fellow, sniffing around, checking price tags, making tacky comments... I mean really. So Michael is a single turkey-baster dad. Big fucking deal. And so he likes to lie about his quadrillion plastic surgeries. Again, big fucking deal. I believe that all celebrities have the God-given right--nay, responsibility!--to lie, lie, LIE their famous flaming pants off about whatever they please--especially butt sex, eating disorders, and plastic freaking surgery. If Michael Jackson can look the world in the eye and claim that he's only had two surgeries, I say we just nod our heads and humor him. Why rub it in the poor man's poor face? We know the truth. That's enough.
