Revolting, really, this hypocritical 180-degree deviation from my usual peace-loving, tree-humping, "Put that gun down, soldier, and kiss me" political philosophy. But come the fuck ON, people! Every ass-dragging ape can see that it's high time we cut the crap and let some fucking bombs drop.
And you know? I really don't care if every damn celebrity on the planet disagrees with me, thank you very much Matt Damon, David Duchovny, Dave Matthews, the incomparable Martin Sheen (not to be confused with Charlie Sheen--the two are much alike), Janeane Garofalo, Rosie O'Donnell (who talks like she's whacking one in the face with a frozen carp these days; what's eating that woman, anyway?), and all the rest of you famous antiwarniks. There DOES need to be a war--and fast. That raving lunatic has been a global menace for decades and he needs to be stopped--two weeks ago, if not sooner.
And if not THESE glorious United States, then who, I ask (who?), is up to the task? Who will rid the earth of the obviously dangerous lunatic known as Carrot Top? The Armenians? The French Canadians? Ha! Only we (these glorious United States, remember) have the power to stamp out the international terror, the inhuman horror, the unspeakable evil. Carrot Top must be destroyed. There's clearly no other way.
I know Colin Powell would agree with me. And I'm equally sure that Mr. Bill Clinton agrees too, and I plan to confirm this with him when he speaks at that benefit luncheon for "arts education for local youth" at the Convention Center on April 28. Maybe he and I can get together afterward--you know, kick back, smoke a couple of fat stogies, see how things go. No pressure.
I fucking hate politics.
But I love all of the new and colorful friends I've met after expressing my sympathy for poor Michael Jackson. And I think John Ashcroft is tapping my phone line.
And I love the wonderful sighting of the beautiful Miss Jennifer Garner, star of Alias and the runaway hit Dude, Where's My Car? (oh yeah, and she's in that new Daredevil flick with that Matt Affleck or whatever too). "Tom" saw Jennifer eating breakfast at the Coastal Kitchen. I love breakfast.
Lastly, I really (really) love reports that snotty little Kelly Osbourne has been verbally bitch-slapped by both Pink and Christina Aguilera recently over alleged snotty remarks she made about them (in Rolling Stone and Q magazine, respectively). I love snotty remarks.
Don't miss it! The Stranger's SXSW Send-Off Party! March 8! Showbox! FREE!
