Oscar Naught

Make him work with Diana Ross? Force his sons to attend a pajama party at Michael Jackson's house?

Joan Rivers is such a BITCH.

She addressed "the troops" from the red carpet at the Academy Awards, and that's what she told them to do--expose Saddam Hussein and his family to Diana Ross and Michael Jackson. War has made Joan cruel. And still not that funny.

I hate the Oscars. I WANT to love the Oscars; I TRY to love the Oscars. But who has the patience to sit through that shit? The pope? If he were in a COMA, maybe. (Is he in a coma, maybe?) But we're forced to talk about the Oscars this year. War, you know. This year's Oscars ceremony is no longer just a big self-congratulatory fuckfest. No sir. It's a big self-congratulatory political-statement-making fuckfest. Oh! To attend or not to attend? Oh! To rant or not to rant? Such a quandary. War. What art thou good for?

Thinning out the Oscars, apparently.

Who didn't show: Will Smith, Angelina Jolie, director Peter Jackson, Cate Blanchett (she claims she's working; I prefer to believe she's rebelling), Eminem (who just didn't need to show up--the dude's making bank)--even Barbara Walters canceled her traditional Sunday-night Oscar special! Who ranted: that Bowling for Columbine guy and that Bowling for Columbine guy.

The Independent Spirit Awards show is a hose of a different color, however. My close personal friend (he'll be surprised to hear) John Waters hosted. John criticized independently spirited actresses in general for their interminably slutty attire at awards shows. "Does Brad Pitt show plumber's crack?" he lamented. (In your dreams, darling.) John made a lot of Jennifer Aniston jokes, but she looked like she didn't understand one word he was saying.

Did you know that the New York Post published a huge list of pacifist performing artists, begging a boycott of them because of their antiwar sentiments? Sheryl Crow, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Samuel L. Jackson, Janeane Garofalo, Fred Durst--the blacklist is big as a barn! The headline reads, "Don't Aid These Saddam Lovers." Can you imagine? SADDAM LOVERS? No one "loves" Saddam! Negroes, Jews, and fags, maybe. But Saddam? He's all jowly! The fascist-yet-catty Post even quips that Fred Durst's fans "probably don't even know what Iraq is."

The Post is such a BITCH.