Bother me? That I, like, totally outed, like, two major celebrities last week, and all anyone wants to talk to me about are Leslie Miller's missing fucking ears?

Don't be silly.

Well, it bothered me at first, maybe--a smidge!--but now that all the scandal rags are reporting that Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake are dating, I feel so much better. About everything. It never even crossed my mind that Jared Leto was gay!

But I wonder: did Adrien Brody (oh, pardon me, Oscar winner Adrien Brody and his trademark spray-on tan) disgorge his canapé at the SIFF reception for his movie Dummy because he couldn't hold his liquor like a gentleman, or was it the goddamn salmon? EVERY catered event in this hemisphere serves salmon as if it didn't taste like fetid mermaid pantyhose. It's like a religious taboo. Caterers everywhere, do the world a favor and leave those stinking fish in the river where they belong.

(Yes, yes: I told you we were done with SIFF, but I also told you that I'm infrequently an infrequent and terrible liar. Didn't I? DIDN'T I? Just ask Jared Leto.)

Poor Katharine Hepburn. Dead, you know. (Probably the salmon.) I wept. But deep in my heart I know that she's in a better place: forever young, forever beautiful, and kicking the eternal shit out of fucking Strom Thurmond, Matrix-style.

Hepburn's gone, I'm no longer a felon in Texas... I just don't know who I am anymore...

I hear that John Corbett was at the ...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead performance at the Showbox, wearing a smart little pair of glasses and a studded black bracelet. Jude Law, on the other hand, was seen all the way across town at an undisclosed location that I'm forgetting at the moment anyway, making me think that maybe those two don't get along so well. Or something. And I've never even heard of ...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead, so you know what that means. Right. Nothing.

The staff members of London's Landmark Hotel were obviously "shocked" by the girly, girly facial and the girlier, girlier manicure that Eminem asked them for while he was staying as a guest there last week because they didn't read my earlier report that Eminem's secretly into all of that froufrou junk. Snaggletoothed, tea-sipping Philistines. Should boil less meat and pay more attention. .