Bragging? That I was the very first person (or so) in the entire world to allegedly allege that the new governor of California (or is he? Seriously, I forget...), Arnold Schwarzenegger, may have inappropriately squeezed an unwilling melon or 12 during his long, long, long (and so forth) career as the Most Stuffed-Up-Sounding Man in History? And that the story is just now breaking nationally, what? A kajillion weeks later?

Heavens no.

Hell, I thought I was just making all that crap up. Even the part about Arnold groping the melon (or melons--who knows, it could even have been her ass) attached to a fresh young she-actor from what might have been a painfully recent movie of his.

Please. I could never make that crap up. I just sort of sense it, you know, instinctively. Celebravoyance, perhaps. For instance:

I get the feeling that Beyoncé is a self-diagnosed schizo who's often engaged in fierce psychological battle with her bitch-a-minute alter ego, "Sasha." Sasha is incorrigible (I get the feeling), speaks with a high-pitched British accent, and mostly pops up for a "pip, pip!" only when Beyoncé divas out for cameras and concerts and so forth. And the weird thing? I'm really not making this up.

And you know the really weird thing about Arnold Schwarzenegger? My computer's spell checker knows the correct spelling of his incredibly weird name, and I sure as shoe-shit didn't teach it. Tell me THAT isn't a Republican plot.

Picture it: Gina Gershon browsing the bins at Crossroads Trading Co. on Capitol Hill, lamenting, "Terrible, terrible, terrible!" as she both brazenly rejected each previously owned garment and banished any doubt whatsoever that times have really sucked for everyone. And is she still dating Paul Allen, or was that centuries ago? He could float her a few bucks, I bet. Just a suggestion.

I don't know why I'm so hard on Courtney Love. I have every CD the snatch ever pumped out, and I thought her performance as a massively fucked-in-the-head yet emotionally vulnerable chain-smoking whore in 200 Cigarettes was fucking phenomenal, typecasting be damned. So I take hardly any glee at all in reports that she was arrested and "investigated" (imagination runs amok) in L.A. for being under the influence of what the kind, kind police report refers to as a "controlled substance," because, well, I think she might have a problem.

And Will Smith recently announced that he'd make a great president (yes, of the USA), estimating that he could accomplish the goal "within the next 15 years if I set my mind to it"--which I might have laughed off, had my spell checker not instantly recognized the spelling of his name.

Hold me. I'm afraid.