Of course there's always a strong possibility that Ashton and Demi's bone-eyed mooning is neither actually happening nor simply an ingenious playful play for publicity (I'd feel so used). Let's hypothetically consider for a few delicious butterscotch moments that the couple is, secretly you know, The GAY. Let's hypothetically consider that it's all a big cover-up. "Misdirection," as it were. This shit happens, you know. In the military. Constantly.
It's just too precious a dream to clutch on to.
And it does too happen all the time.
If you think you saw waxy old John Norris trolling the fag bars last weekend, you did. Unfortunately, I've made certain people certain promises that I'd keep the old catbags in the beancan regarding Grandpa MTV's raison d'être here--for, you see, the top-secret fruit of John's visit is not scheduled to germinate for three more months. But I'd look pretty retarded if I didn't at least tell that I promised not to tell, wouldn't I? And let's not nod our noggins in the direction of the other top-secret secret I'm keeping--the one that's probably related somehow to the first top secret (maybe) but which is technically a completely different top secret. That would simply be waxing overly obscure. But I just want it known that I know. And trust me, I do.
And believe it or not, it only gets gayer from here.
And I'm clearly not referring to Matt Damon. But you knew that he's had some sort of girlfriend person flittering about him for fucking ever, yes? Plain as a vanilla wall and possibly unsatisfied on ever so many levels? Ben Affleck's cast-off assistant? Any bells? Well, you can exhale; they've broken up. The newly liberated young lady (I'd never call anyone a fag hag) reports that she's looking forward to finally having sex with a man.
But I may have made that last part up entirely. We just can't know, can we?
And you know how I think J.Lo is keeping Ben stringing along, don't you? Right. Voodoo.
And you'll just flip when it turns out I'm right, won't you?
And forgive me, but has David Gest not reached both the nadir and the zenith of no dignity? Ignoring the fact that faggy millions would gnaw off their own faggy feet for a chance to offer themselves up on the allegedly pugilistic altar of a shitfaced Liza--who amongst us hasn't craved a shooter or two followed by the lively ass-kicking of that prissy, pruny old woman of a fairy man? Really, now?
I'm sure not casting any stones. Not first, anyway.
