Quivering

"Freeze, douchebag... this is JUSTIN TIMBER- LAKE!"

Okay, so Justin Flaming Timberlake and his beard (Cameron something-something) were making their grandly effeminate egress from a posh L.A. restaurant when, out on the sidewalk, some hysterical woman starts screaming, like, "Help! Help! That jerk just stole my handbag! Oh, please, somebody big and faggy, help, help!" or something. So, Justin Flaming Timberlake (are you ready?) busts a well-polished boy-bander move on said snatcher's ass; he runs the purse-napper down, simultaneously liberating the snatched purse, returning it to its owner, and cell-phoning for help in what I'm certain was a single fluid and elegant gesture.

Can't you just see it? Doesn't it make you just quiver?

And exactly where was Rosie O'Donnell during all of this? Good question. She was making cancer victims cry.

Before we continue, please note that Rosie never fooled me. I saw right through that barf-making "Look! I'm not a bitter dyke, and I just fucking love fucking every- fucking-body.... YAY!" façade, instantly recognizing her as the gigantic, mean-faced bad-hair lady who was just pretending to be nice and fooling everyone for, like, years. Except me. Like I was saying. So do you think I find it the least bit surprising that Rosie reportedly said, "You know what happens to people who lie. They get sick and they get cancer. If they keep lying, they get it again," to a former Rosie magazine employee who's, like, in remission?

Everything surprises me.

Except that John Curley was spotted rooting through buckets of discounted mistint paint at Home Depot. That makes perfect sense.

And that I guess J.Lo really is using Santeria juju (not voodoo--close, but no cigar) to supernaturally control her love life (read: whammy Ben and Matt into keeping their hot hands off each other). Seems Miss Lo actually is in the counsel of a bona fide, chicken-carrying priestess, and it was on this juju woman's spiritual advice that J.Lo postponed her wedding--which, for the record, J.Lo's mother is threatening to eventually boycott if J.Lo doesn't cease her mystical meanderings. If the wedding ever happens, naturally.

And didn't I tell you I wasn't making this shit up?

And Kennedy-spotting "Dave" asks, "Do former MTV VJs/current Hollywood Squares/Republicans count as celebrities?" apparently having actually spotted Kennedy browsing "handmade hippie clothing" in her "big cat glasses" at First Thursday. How else would he have access to all those little details?

adrian@thestranger.com